“Is it? If I’d stayed, I could’ve helped you with the bills. You wouldn’t have had to work so hard. You wouldn’t have been so tired. If that guy was calling you, I would’ve put an end to it before it got to the point it did.”
“Shoulda, coulda, woulda. You can’t change the course of life. You can wish things all you want. You can imagine how they should’ve turned out, but the fact is it happened. Whether you stayed or not doesn’t matter. I could’ve damn well still took him on as a lab partner and your threats could’ve made it worse.”
I went to speak but she held up her finger.
“I’m so sick of living in the past. I just want to move on with my life.”
“Then we’ll move on. Start a new chapter.”
“How? I’m still living in my childhood home with all the same paint and furniture.”
“Then change it.”
“It’s too expensive.”
“Then we’ll start small.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “And how do you suggest we do that?”
I took out my cell phone and hit the camera button. Kat eyed me suspiciously and I wrapped my hand around her head and urged her lips to mine. She stiffened as I pulled her close, and the stadium lights in my head flicked on—I realized it wasn’t me causing her reluctance.
“He did this to you. Didn’t he?”
Her nose crinkled and more tears welled in her eyes. I ran my thumb under her lid and then dragged a finger down to her chin. I pushed her gaze to mine. “Look at me.” She was shy at first, but eventually blinked up at me. “It’s me. I would never hurt you.”
“I know that.”
“Do you?”
“It’s not you. It’s just at first, when you get close, and I close my eyes, I see him.”
I hated the bastard for doing this to her. For the fear that consumed her. He didn’t belong on her mind. In her thoughts. “Then don’t close your eyes,” I said.
The skin on the bridge of her nose pinched. “That’s weird. The number one rule of kissing is close your eyes.”
“Rules are meant to be broken. Trust me.”
She nodded and I reached up to hold her face in my hands. I kept my eyes on hers and slowly moved towards her. She sucked in an unsteady breath, but never let her gaze waver. I inched closer and the second our lips touched her entire body relaxed.
I kept it light, letting her take the lead. Her mouth moved against mine, soft and sweet. I let go of her face and held my arm out, knowing this would be more than just a memory. It would be a breakthrough in our relationship.
As soon as the picture snapped, I pulled away. Red crept up her neck and spread through her cheeks. I brought up her number and texted her the picture. “The album is only half complete. I think it’s time you finish it.”
Her lip twitched at the corner. “I want to hate you.”
“You should.” She had every right to hate my guts. Wish the bubonic plague on me. But she didn’t and wouldn’t. Because looking into her eyes I knew what I had known two years ago, before I stupidly walked away from her. She wasn’t with me because I was Josh Wagner, state champion and MVP. The Josh Wagner all the girls wanted to tame. She was with me simply because she loved me.
“I really should. I thought it would be easy to. But it’s not. I’m just lying to myself and it’s exhausting, so I give up.” Her hands fiddled with her shirt again and then she stopped, blue eyes glancing up at me. “I love you. Ever since you popped in my window and gave me five reasons why you liked me . . . I was yours. Your gut could’ve been hanging over your lifeguard shorts or you could’ve been four foot eleven—it wouldn’t have mattered. All that mattered was you took the time to know me. Nobody had ever done that before.”
I angled my body towards her, completely aware of her cotton candy scent, the way her eyes darted back and forth between her shirt and me, and the way her teeth slid over her bottom lip as she sucked it in.
“And even now. You remembered my fear of sea lions. I told you that once a million years ago. How did you even . . .”
“Remember that?” I asked and brushed her hair behind her ear, partly because it was blocking her eyes, but mainly because I just needed to touch her.
“Yes,” she whispered.
“How could I forget the terrifying sea lion kiss of ’01? It was epically awful.”
She laughed, and I inched closer to her, resting my hand on her leg.
“Or how you stepped on a rusty nail when you were five and had to get a tetanus shot and you cried, until your dad promised to buy you an ice cream cone. Or how you won the spelling bee in fifth grade, beating Connie Fu with ‘fauna.’”
I ran my hand up the inside of her arm, grazing her breast before resting it on her cheek, her skin so soft against my fingers. “Or how big your eyes get when you’re excited. Like when we went to that music festival and the first band walked out onstage, when the drummer counted them off, the way your lips quirked at the corners.”
Kat smiled. “That would’ve been anyone’s reaction. Try again,” she teased.
“It was the first time I had seen you free. No lip sucking. No piling your hair on your head. Your arms were in the air and you were smiling big so big. I was a little jealous of the band actually. That they were able to get such a reaction out of you.”
She laughed. “It wasn’t the band. It was everything. The festival. Being away from my mom and her cancer. Not having to make sure my brother was staying out of trouble. You. It was perfect. Wrapped up so nicely in this package I had only dreamed about. You made it a reality. At least for a weekend.” Kat lifted her ring up and outlined the tattoo with her finger. “When my mom’s cancer spread, and Justin started getting into trouble in school, I would lay in bed at night and think of that day. I was so happy to have something to escape to.”
“I wish you had more memories.”
“I didn’t need any more. I had plenty.”
Did she though? It was hard to believe. Even all the happy memories led down a path plagued with sadness and tragedy. Her dad died. Her mom died. I . . . I left her. There might have been happy times but no happy ending.
Then there’s the mess she was dealing with now, all because she was nice to a guy. Was it worth it? Your whole life you’re groomed to be polite, to be friendly, to give a helping hand, but they never prepare you for when that backfires.
I was nice to Steve Mitchell, but he still came to the Kramer Science Building that day, killed six people, and injured seventeen others. Maybe my life was spared because I was nice to him. I’d like to think that, but I couldn’t imagine sweet, bubbly Nia ever being anything but nice to Steve Mitchell, and she lost her life that day.
“Where’d you go?” Kat asked.
“Sorry,” I muttered, shaking the shooting from my mind.
“Don’t apologize.” Kat ran her fingers through the front of my hair. “I know what it’s like to get lost in your own mind. It’s scary.”
“I hate it. It’s like he didn’t only put a bullet hole in my leg, he put one right through my mind. This gaping, disgusting hole that’ll never heal. He tainted the one place where I was always happy.”
“And you feel violated and no matter how hard you want to think of the happy and escape there’s always that one part that trickles in and throws you right back to the darkness. I have plenty of memories, but it doesn’t matter. The darkness always finds its way in.”
I didn’t think anyone would ever understand what I went through that day unless they were there too, but Kat did. Our situations may have been different, but one didn’t trump the other. We were both attacked by people we knew. Left to live with fear, scarred because of it.
Kat had always understood me. More than anyone else, and that hadn’t changed. She was always there in the exact moment I needed her. That summer we were together, I was lost. I had gotten a baseball scholarship and that was the dream, but it wasn’t a realistic career, at least according to everyone else.
My father was determined for me to pin down a major before I got there, but there was nothing I wanted to do other than play. He was on my ass, and Kat was there to listen to me bitch. Help me realize dreams were nice to have, but a backup plan was just as important.
Now, with my hand pressed against her skin, I wanted her more than ever. A desire so deep that I didn’t want her to just love me. I wanted her to fall in love with me all over again, just as I was with her.
It was obvious I’d never stopped loving her, but these past few weeks, I had fallen in love with her more than I thought possible. I couldn’t imagine a day without seeing her run her fingers through her hair or suck her lip in.
All those times I spent with other girls, I was trying to fill a void, and I kept failing because I was looking in all the wrong places. Then the shooting threw my life off its axis, spinning out of control, but who knew it would land me back where I needed to be? It brought me back home.
It brought me back to Kat.
Chapter 16
I lifted my other hand to her face and pulled her close, pressing my lips to hers, soft, sweet, and perfect. The scent of cotton candy engulfed me as her hair fell forward and she wrapped her arms around my neck.
“I wish I could carry you to bed,” I whispered against her ear, her fingers traveling down my sides.
Her hand rested in mine, interlocking. “Come on,” she said and stood up, pulling at me.
I lifted from the couch and tugged her towards me. She smacked into my chest and I dipped my head, kissing the length of her neck.
My lips glided across her scar then stopped. “This? Did he do this?” My jaw clenched and tension pulled tight and ugly at my shoulders.
Kat sucked in a jagged breath then slowly let it out. “When he knocked me to the ground, my neck hit a broken branch. It pierced my skin. I didn’t realize how bad it was until it was over and Darren hugged me. When he pulled away his shirt was covered in my blood. I had to get stitches. Five.”
I swiped a thumb at the tears that had started falling down her cheeks. “Shh. It’s okay. He’ll never hurt you again. I promise. You’re safe with me.”
A small smile tugged at her lips. I brought her face close to mine and brushed my mouth against hers before moving back to the mark on her skin and gently pressing my lips to it.
A moan escaped her lips, and I continued up until our mouths were hot against each other.
God, what I wouldn’t do to grab her ass and hoist her up onto me. Instead I traced my tongue across the crease of her mouth and when she parted her lips I plunged in, meeting her thrust for thrust.
Another moan and I moved my hands down her body, cupping her breasts and caressing until another moan escaped. I continued down to the hem of her shirt and lifted it over her head.
Her black bra with lace cups had me straining against my jeans. I trailed my tongue along the strap and pushed it off her shoulder, leaving a line of kisses across her front right to the other strap. I pulled that one down, letting her fall free from the restrictive material.
I dipped my head and took her nipple in my mouth, lapping my tongue around the hard peak. She threw her head back and I pressed my hands into the curve of her spine, holding her up.
Goosebumps popped up on her skin, and I pulled away to look at her. Her face was flushed, skin so pale and beautiful it seemed like she was illuminated. The vision of an angel.
And maybe she was. My very own angel.
Slowly, I eased her back to me, her hair swaying behind her. She straightened and I pulled her tight against me. Her eyes widened, but this time there was no band playing. No festival. She was excited for me. For us. For what was to come.
“Bedroom,” she whispered. She didn’t have to say it again.
“Lead the way.” I wanted to leave my crutches behind, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I needed to get to that bedroom as much as I needed to breathe.
Once I positioned the crutches under my arms, Kat let go of me and ran to a door at the end of a long hallway. I took my time even though the need to be with her was overwhelming my senses. I knew the slow torturous walk to get to her would be more than worth it once I reached that bedroom door.
I walked over the threshold and halted at the sight of Kat’s pants on the floor. I looked up and there she was, propped against a pile of pillows, bare legs bent and knees pointed upward. The light from the bedside lamp was shining across her skin, casting shadows along her face.
For a moment I just stared, appreciating how lucky I was. Then I couldn’t stay away from her for another second. I dropped my crutches and hobbled to the bed, lying down on my good side.
I reached up to rest my hand on her cheek. “Look at me,” I said and she leaned down to kiss me. I shifted, and managed, with minimal pain, to flip her beneath me.
Her big gorgeous eyes, hooded by passion, peeked up at me, and I bent down to kiss the dusting of freckles along her nose. “You’re so beautiful.”
“We both know you’re the pretty one in this relationship.”
The word hit me like a gust of cold air on a hot day. Relationship. “Does that mean you want this?”
She nodded in response, and with her eyes still open, I pressed my lips to hers. “Me too,” I said against her mouth. “Me too.”
Her hands fumbled with the button on my pants, but when she managed to unzip me, she stopped. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
I wanted to say screw it, just rip those suckers off, but I didn’t want anything to happen that would prevent us from reaching home plate. I flipped to my back and carefully removed my pants and boxers. As they passed my hips my erection sprang up and Kat sucked in a jagged breath.
“Bigger than you remembered?” I joked.
“Actually, yes,” she said.
I couldn’t help the cocky smile that spread across my face. It was the ultimate compliment.
“Don’t let it go to your head,” she said, and I laughed.
I grabbed my pants and fished out my wallet, flipping to the pocket where I kept the condom. Her hand wrapped around mine.
“No condom. I want to feel all of you.”
My eyes shot open. “Kat, you can . . .”
“I’m on the pill.”
My eyebrows rose in surprise. Was she having sex with someone else? Now that Darren was out of the picture, I didn’t think there was anybody but me.
“Not that I want to ruin the mood with this right now, but I see your mind working. I went on it after . . . after the incident. If he managed to actually rape me . . . I just never wanted . . .”
“Shh,” I rested my finger on her lip. “Don’t let him ruin this. This is our moment.”
She sucked in her lip, and I leaned in and kissed the spot where it quirked. Her back lay against the white and blue comforter, and I hovered over her. “I love you.”
“I know,” she said. “I’ve never doubted it.”
Feeling as if I needed to say it, even though it totally took away from the moment, I stopped and said, “And I’m clean. I was tested not too long ago.”
“Good to know,” she smirked.
I pulled her panties down and sank a finger into her wetness. Her breath caught and then the sexiest moan slipped from her lips as her body arched back and her nails dug into the comforter. All the blood rushed to my dick, wanting release, but it wasn’t about me right now. My focus was on Kat, and only Kat.
It had been so long since I’d touched her like this. I kissed her neck, wanting her to experience it all. Every caress of my tongue, every stroke of my finger, every single sensation we’d missed out on for the past couple of years.
She moved against my hand, and I bent down, circling my tongue around her nipple, my hand caressing the other. Her breathing sped up, and I slowly made my retreat back to her lips, pausing to lightly suck on the skin at the crook of her neck.
My teeth grazed her earlobe and I nipped at it, knowing it would push her over the edge. Her muscles tightened around me, a
nd I moved faster, riding out her orgasm until she screamed and her body went lax against the bed.
Her face flushed and her hair was sprawled across the pillow. A gleam of sweat coated her forehead, and if possible, it only made her look sexier. I pushed her towards me and kissed her. Hard and long. “You okay?” I asked, pulling away, a cocky smile settling into place.
“It’s been a while.”
“How long?” And as soon as the words came out of my mouth I wanted to hit myself over the head with a baseball bat. “Sorry, don’t answer that.”
She shrugged. “That last night in your pickup.”
My mouth popped open and my eyebrows rose. “Seriously?”
“As serious as a heart attack.”
Suddenly I felt like the scum of the earth. She hadn’t slept with a single person since our time together and me . . . well . . . I had lost count a long time ago.
“It’s not like I was holding out hope for you to come back and sweep me off my feet, so please, keep your ego in check. It’s just that I didn’t have time. Between working and school and housekeeping, it doesn’t give you much space for a social life. Don’t worry, I won’t ask you how many girls you’ve been with, because trust me, I don’t want to know. As long as I’m your only for now.”
I pulled her against my chest and put my lips to her ear. “Forever.”
Chapter 17
Kat’s head rested on my bare chest. She was still recovering from her orgasm. I’d give her all the time in the world—I could wait. I combed my fingers through her hair, completely content. I could’ve stayed there in that place for the rest of time and I wouldn’t have cared.
“You awake?” I asked.
“Barely.”
I brushed her hair away from her ear. It was the first time we had been in a bed together, and while my pickup truck was just fine, there was something more intimate about being inside, surrounded by walls.
“Rest up. You’ll need all your energy for what I have planned,” I said and kissed the top of her head.
I had nowhere to be and there was nowhere I’d rather be. I didn’t need to jump right into sex. I wanted to drag out the night as long as I could. Make it as memorable as possible. Relish in the privacy.
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