by Mia Ford
Allie didn't look so sure, and honestly, I didn't feel so sure myself.
ooo000ooo
“Maya,” my mom said, surprise in her voice as I stepped inside my family home, “we weren't expecting you tonight. Don't you have classes in the morning?”
“Yes, and I'll get up early and drive in,” I said with a fake smile. “I just needed to see you guys.”
Her eyes softened as she hugged me, thinking I came home because I missed them.
“Where's dad?”
“He worked a little late, but he should be home any minute now.”
“Good,” I said, my voice shaky as I removed my coat and scarf, hanging them up on the coatrack behind the door. “And Luke? Is he out for the night?”
I was hopeful. The last thing I needed was for my brother to be there to judge me and to mock me – especially considering the fact that the father of the child was his own best friend. Not that he'd know that, if Reese had kept our secret, anyway. I hadn't spoken to Reese since that night. He'd taken me back to my sorority house the next morning, dropped me off with a kiss and said he was leaving for LA so we probably wouldn't see each other again. I'd felt a twinge of sadness as I watched him drive off, but that was the deal. That's what we'd agreed to.
I just hadn't expected that I'd end up pregnant because of it.
“I think so? He didn't come home from work last night, so I don't really know. You know your brother and his friends,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“Yeah, I do. All too well.”
“I'm just glad one of our children turned out well,” she said, beaming with pride as she stared at me.
I had to look away from her. There was no way I could meet her gaze with the secret I was holding onto. I couldn't tell them until dad was home. He was the doctor; he'd be the logical one. My mom was emotional and was always concerned with what others thought of us. There was no way she'd take the news well. Not when I was their precious little angel. Not when I'd be neighborhood gossip when this got out.
Thankfully, the front door opened a moment later and my father stepped through it, kissing mom and looking at me with surprise.
“Well, look who decided to stop by!” he said, hugging me tight.
My dad's hugs usually always seemed to make everything better – but not this time. Not even daddy's hug could make this situation better. But perhaps his advice would.
My entire body was trembling and I was fighting a nauseous feeling in my stomach. My dad pulled away and stared at me, concern in his eyes. He looked at me and I lost control of myself and my emotions and began to cry. Normally, there was so much pride for me in those eyes, and I'd let him down. How could I not cry? I was probably never going to see that look of pride on their faces ever again.
“What's wrong, sweetie?” my mom asked, stepping up and putting her arm around my shoulders.
And before I could stop myself, I blurted out the news. No preamble. No softening of the blow – just threw the cold, hard truth out there.
“I'm pregnant,” I said.
And the room went completely silent and it felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out. Neither my mom nor my dad said a single word for a long moment, and I would have sworn that they weren't even breathing.
“I'm sorry, I really am,” I sobbed. “I didn't mean for this to happen –”
“Who's the –” I knew what my mom was going to ask long before she spit out the words, but she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.
Knowing how they felt about Luke's friends, and knowing that Reese has made it perfectly clear that he didn't want to be serious with me, I did the only thing I could think of – I lied.
“I don't know,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “I don't know. It was a mistake; it was a one night stand at a party and I have no idea. He left before I could get his name.”
My mom looked as if she'd seen a ghost. My dad's grip on my shoulders got tighter, but his face remained neutral. He just stared at me, and I couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. He just stared at me without saying anything at all.
My mom, on the other hand, took a seat, fanning herself as if she might pass out. But my dad stared at me, and I watched as the pride he'd had in me slipped away, bit by bit. He looked at me as if he didn't even know me, like I was a stranger to him.
And honestly, I felt like a stranger myself.
Several Years Later
“Elijah Michael McConnell, put that down!” my mom shouted.
Visiting my parents with my son was always an adventure. My mom, as much as she claimed to love children, really wasn't too fond of a toddler who liked to grab all the little trinkets off the shelves. Maybe it was because she'd thought she was past all of that. That she'd done her tour of duty raising kids and it was over. What with her own kids grown up and able to comprehend that the porcelain birds on the shelves were fragile and all. But I never remembered my mom being that strict or grumpy when I was a child myself.
My son, Elijah, was precocious too. I often said he was just like his father. He looked like him, not that anyone but me knew who his father was, but I could see it plain as day. His skin was a nice natural tan and he had the same dark eyes and dark hair that his dad did. Thankfully, no one else put two and two together – Reese was so far out of the picture, no one even mentioned his name anymore. Luke seemed to have all but forgotten about him. He was off in LA, living his dream and he'd forgotten about all of us there in the suburbs of Chicago.
And most of the time, I was thankful for that.
“What's he getting into now?” I asked, coming down the hallway.
I had stepped away to use the bathroom – that was it. A few minutes away and my mom was already freaking out because Elijah was getting into something – again.
I walked into the living room to find her hovering over Eli, standing over him and blocking him from getting to her shelves. She had one of her glass birds in her hand, holding it out of reach and Eli reached up for it, a smile on his face.
His father's smile.
“Maybe you should try putting those stupid birds up higher,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Why put something that looks like a toy – but is made of glass – within his reach? You're only tempting him and seriously, it's not worth the trouble.”
Yeah, that was the new me. I was no longer the dutiful daughter who never talked back. Once I'd lost my status as the family's golden child, I realized my parents weren't the perfect parents they pretended to be either. And now that I was a mother myself, I had grown up. A lot.
“Because it's my house, Maya, and I want to decorate it how I please,” my mom said.
I picked up Eli, propping him up on my hip and laughed. “Well, he's your grandson, so it's either put the birds up higher or expect them to get broken, because you know he's going to find a way over there when we're not looking.”
My mom scowled and placed the bird – a white dove – on the top shelf. Almost like she was admitting I was right without actually admitting it. Because I couldn't be right about anything. Not anymore.
Luke came downstairs at that moment, saw the way mom and I were staring at each other – probably felt the tension in the air – and laughed long and loud.
“It's so nice not being the biggest failure in this family,” he said and smiled wide.
It was a common insult, one he tossed at me whenever he had the chance.
“Oh shut up, Luke,” I said, bouncing Eli on my hip. “I'm still not a bigger screw-up than you. At least I went to college –”
“Only to drop out in your first semester because you got knocked up at a frat party,” he said, rolling his eyes. “But hey? Who am I to judge?”
I gritted my teeth and prepared to go off. I didn't want my son hearing crap like Luke was spewing. Right now, it didn't mean anything to him because he was so young and didn't understand. But one day, it would. And Luke had no right to talk to me like that.
“You're a disgrace, Luke McConnell,” I sai
d, leaving the room and heading toward the kitchen.
I needed to get away from him before I went off and said some things I'd regret later. I couldn't let him get to me. I couldn't let my son see me this upset. Luke wasn't worth any of that.
I put Eli in the high chair and sat down in the breakfast nook, my head in my hands, tears streaming down my face. Luke was right though. Try as hard as I could to deny it, it was the truth – I was a failure. Medical school? Down the drain. I was taking classes at the community college in the evening, but there was no future for me as a doctor. Not anymore. I'd never be able to do that, not as a single mother.
Eli babbled, but all I could make out was, “Mama crying,” and instantly, my heart broke.
I didn't want my child to see me crying, especially about my future – or lack thereof. Especially, since my future included him. And he was very much a blessing. I never wanted him to feel like a burden or an unwanted presence. Never.
Yes, Allie had suggested an abortion and I could have done just that. If I had, I wouldn't be in my current situation and would probably already be in med school. But God, there was no way. Once I'd went to the doctor and confirmed what was happening to my body, I couldn't do it. I would never judge somebody else for having an abortion, but I couldn't do it. Not for me.
And despite the fact that my future looked way more uncertain and scary, my son was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was thankful for him, and I could never, ever let him see me crying over the future I gave up to have him.
“No, mama isn't crying, Eli,” I said, wiping the tears away. “I'm fine. Now let's get you something to eat, okay?”
Eli smiled a toothy grin, his dark eyes so sweet and filled with so much love. My son was already getting so big; he was growing up. One day he'd hear the insults Luke threw at me and he'd understand that they were about him. Which was why I needed to put a stop to that. My son didn't need to feel like he was a burden. He was a choice. I chose to keep him. And that was a choice I never regretted – not even for a second, even though my dreams of being a doctor flew right out the window.
“What do you mean you're having a friend over? You know it's family dinner night,” my mom said as she and Luke walked into the kitchen. “It's for family only.”
Luke went to the fridge and pulled out a carton of milk, drinking from it before my mom shot him a dirty look. He grabbed a glass and rolled his eyes.
“Come on, mom. You know Reese. He's like family, isn't he?”
My heart stopped. Literally, it stopped in my chest as I fed Eli his animal crackers. I stared up at Luke, eyes wide, a nervous energy making my body hum.
“Reese? Didn't he move a long time ago?”
“Yeah, but he's back. The LA thing didn't work out too well,” he said.
“He's back?” I choked.
“Yeah, you deaf or what?” Luke turned to me with a scowl on his face. “Oh, you don't still have a crush on him, do you? He's not into MILF's, sorry.”
My hands were shaking, so I kept them underneath the table. I focused my attention on my son, trying to keep from fighting with my brother. You'd think that a twenty-five-year-old man wouldn't act like he was twelve, but he always got away with murder – even now. Mom let him talk to me this way, without so much as sticking up for me, and I hated it.
“He's not family,” I said., trying to answer for mom, hoping she'd agree with me. “Why can't he come over another night?”
“Because he just got back in town and I want to see him,” Luke said.
“Well see him,” I said. “But he doesn't have to come to dinner.”
“Oh, okay. I'll just skip dinner with the family then –”
Mom finally spoke up, shouting above both of us, “Fine, yes, invite him over. No one misses family dinner.”
She left the room in a huff, leaving me with my obnoxious older brother who looked pleased as punch. He smirked at me, and I swear, it took everything in me not to smack that smile right off his dumb looking face.
No one missed family dinner. My mom said it herself. Nobody missed it without suffering some dire consequences – usually in the form of a never-ending guilt trip. So, I knew there was no way I could get out of the dinner despite the fact that I desperately wanted to.
I racked my brain trying to figure some way out of this mess but was coming up empty at every turn. Maybe if I pretended to be sick? Maybe that would work? Nah, she rarely bought illness as an excuse for anything. Her standard response would likely be telling me to suck it up and be there. I came to the inescapable conclusion that nothing outside of my death would get me out of this.
So, the only thing left for me to do was to talk myself down from the ledge.
It was going to be okay. There was no way Reese could know Eli is his son. Right? In fact, he probably wouldn't even look at me. He likely wanted to avoid me just as much as I wanted to avoid him. Just keep my head down and avoid speaking or making eye contact – just like I used to do when I was young – and hopefully he wouldn't ask about the child sitting next to me that happened to look just like him.
Shit.
Okay, so maybe I noticed the resemblance because I knew the truth of his parentage. It seemed more than obvious to me, but my family – not even Luke – had put two-and-two together. So, maybe Reese wouldn't either. After all, we'd had our one night fling four years ago. Maybe – if I was really lucky – he even forgotten we'd ever slept together. That would be good. That would be very good. In fact, it would be ideal.
As dinnertime approached, I found myself pacing the living room, a knot and a side order of butterflies battling it out in my stomach. Eli was playing on the floor and I was keeping an eye on him, making sure he didn't go near those damn birds again. But I was beyond distracted and couldn't focus on anything.
I listened for any sound that would signal Reese's arrival. I listened for a car pulling up. Footsteps on the front porch. The sound of his voice. Since he and my brother often came in through the back door off the driveway – through the kitchen – I felt relatively safe in the living room. At least, for the moment. I couldn't help but pace as I listened and tried to prepare myself for what was about to happen.
He'd be what, twenty-five now? Like my brother? He could have changed and grown up a lot since I'd last seen him. Maybe he was a completely different man. Perhaps life in LA had changed him. Maybe for the better. Maybe, he'd become a responsible adult who was putting his life in order.
Maybe, he had the right to know he had a son.
I looked down at Eli, at his sweet face, and it broke my heart that he might never know his father. Every little boy deserved to know who his dad was. But that competed with my belief that not every dad deserved to know who his son was. Some men wanted to be in their lives and others didn't. Would not knowing his father be better than the rejection of a man who wanted nothing to do with you?
And what kind of man would Reese actually be?
So many thoughts. So many questions. None of them had answers.
“Hey, Maya.”
Reese's voice surprised me, caused me to jump, and made a fist seemingly made of ice squeeze my heart painfully. I literally screeched when I heard him. I was facing away from the kitchen and somehow, he'd managed to slip inside without me hearing him. And there he was standing there, bigger than life, and was even saying hi to me.
I turned and put on a fake smile. “Hi Reese. How's it been?”
I didn't know if he noticed Eli at that point or not, because he just stared at me and smiled. That smile that always pulled me in and made my heart flutter. The one that had never been directed at me until the night I'd conceived our son. And yet, there he was, smiling at me again.
Oh, and he was still so gorgeous. Tall, dark and handsome as ever. He was no longer wearing the super baggy jeans and baseball caps he wore in his younger days. But he was still looking every bit the part of the big baller – just a little bit nicer. Nicer jeans, a nicer shirt. And he'd grown up a b
it too. His face had stubble on it, just a light dusting of hair that made him look more like a man and less like the boy that he was before he left town.
“It's been good,” he said. “Glad to be home though. I missed Chicago.”
“Missed it here? While in LA?” I asked.
I was nervous, not really sure how to make small talk with the father of my child – especially given the fact that he didn't know he was the father of my child.
“Yeah, the weather is nice out there,” he said. “But it's just not the same as home, ya know?”
“Not really. I've never been,” I said. “But I guess home is where the heart is, right?”
“I suppose so.”
That's when Eli pulled on my pants leg and said, “Mama, hold me?”
Reese's gaze fell on the toddler, and there was a moment of surprise in his face – but also a question in his eyes. I could see it on his face, plain as day, as he studied the child in front of me. I picked up my son, cradled him in my arms, facing him away from Reese.
“Listen,” I said, “It was nice catching up, but I really have to help my mom in the –”
But Reese stopped me from walking past him and into the kitchen. He stopped and looked at the child in my arms, then back at me, then back at Eli again. Eli looked back at him like he would any new person – with a wary curiosity.
“You have a kid?” Reese asked.
“I do, yes,” I said. “His name is Elijah. Eli for short.”
“How old is he?”
I could see Reese putting the pieces together, one-by-one. He was doing the math in his head, trying to find proof that this wasn't his kid.
“Three years old,” I said. Almost four now, but Reese didn't need to know that much.
“And what about medical school?” he asked me quietly.
“It didn't work out,” I said. “Now if you'll excuse me –”
Luke came down the stairs at that point, pulling Reese away. Thankfully so. Eli and I escaped into the kitchen, and I tried to remain calm.