Abstract Love

by Samantha Christy

  Oh, crap. I’m so busted. Why did I have to open my big mouth? Now he knows that I talk about him. And to a twelve-year-old, of all people.

  Me: Um, she was having boy trouble so I tried to make her feel better.

  I re-read what I sent to him and sink into my seat. I’m just digging myself in deeper. I look up to see him smile and darn it if that adorable dimple on his left cheek doesn’t totally make me melt.

  Jace: Boy trouble? Kimberly was having boy trouble so my name came up?

  My face must be so red right now that I’m surprised Stacy isn’t running over here to take my vitals. I’m not even sure what I can say to recover from this.

  Jace: I’m just teasing you, Keri.

  He writes something on a piece of paper and gets Stacy’s attention. Then she walks over to me and holds her hand out. “He wants the hat.”

  I look up at Jace in confusion.

  Jace: Give Stacy the hat so I can put it on. That way you can have a picture to show Kimberly that you let me borrow it.

  I place the hat in Stacy’s hand and watch in utter disbelief when he puts it on after she walks it over to him. My first thought when he removes the ball cap is that I’ve never seen a more attractive bald man. I’ve never been into bald guys before, and I still question whether or not I would find any other bald man attractive, but he owns it. In fact, I don’t even think he should be wearing anything on his head. He looks that good.

  The next thing I think about is how absolutely ridiculous he looks when he places Kimberly’s hat on his head. I’ve never met a guy that is so completely gorgeous, yet would allow his picture to be taken wearing, arguably, the most hideous hat ever made, making him look like a total geek. Just to make a twelve-year-old girl smile.

  Jace: Hello? Are you going to take the picture or aren’t you?

  I snap out of my trance and take a picture of him with my phone. I look at the picture and I know immediately that this is going to be my favorite picture of any I have ever taken.

  I fully expect him to remove the unsightly hat and give it back to me, but he keeps it on and I can’t help but giggle at his humility. My heart is expanding with feelings for this man and I better do something quick to squash them.

  Me: How’s Morgan dealing with everything?

  He shakes his head and looks at the floor before responding.

  Jace: She is having a hard time with it. I wanted her to shave my head so that she could feel like she is a part of this with me but she refused. But I don’t think it’s the hair—or lack of—that she is having the biggest problem with. It’s the G-tube.

  They told me about feeding tubes before my chemo, the ones they put directly into your stomach that you pump liquid food into. Some people get so sick during therapy that they can’t eat for months. However, I suspect his has more to do with his throat. He has said it hurts a lot to eat so I guess he just hasn’t been.

  Me: Oh. When did you get it?

  Jace: Last week. I think it was inevitable really, and they told me I’d probably have to get one since it hurts like a mother to eat. But Morgan can’t look at it. She can’t even talk about it. Other than that, she’s been great. She’s had a lot thrown at her with this. On the bright side, I’ve gained back five pounds this week.

  She’s had a lot thrown at her? What about Jace?

  Jace: Enough about me, how was your week?

  Me: It was pretty great, actually. I had a good day with the kids at The Freeway Station and over the weekend Tanner and I made a killing in tips. I just can’t believe how things have started to work out for me. A few weeks ago, I thought all my credit cards were going to get maxed out from my medical bills and now, I think I might be able to scrape by.

  Jace: That’s great. I’m really happy for you, Keri.

  Jace: You know, I Googled your cancer, too. And there is one thing I’ve been wondering about. Do you have that cancer gene, Bracca or whatever?

  I’m about to text him back when I realize what he has said. He’s been wondering about it. He thinks about me. He Googled something for me. It’s a small victory in my mind and although I know it doesn’t mean much, I like the fact that he wonders about me outside of these walls. Then I think back to that visit with Dr. Olsen when he suggested genetic testing for the BRCA gene. I know he thought I had it since I’m so young. But given no woman in my family has ever had breast cancer, that I’m aware of, the chances of me carrying the gene were small.

  I feel my phone vibrate in my lap so I look down at it.

  Jace: Um . . . Keri . . . why are you touching your boobs?

  I look down in horror to see that I had absentmindedly cupped my breasts when I was thinking about the day I was told of my diagnosis. I must turn ten shades of red because my face is on fire. I refuse to look across the room at Jace.

  Jace: Hey, it’s fine with me. In fact, I contemplated not telling you at all. But then I’d have to remove the IV and go take a cold shower. LOL.

  He winks at me and I’m beside myself with embarrassment and really wish I had something to throw across the room at him.

  Jace: So, Bracca gene?

  Me: I’m so embarrassed. Sometimes that just happens when I think about losing my breasts. But, no I don’t have the BRCA gene. Most people think I do since I’m only 24. There is only a five percent chance of getting breast cancer in women under the age of 40.

  Jace: No need to be embarrassed. You and your numbers. Wow, you are only 24? I would have guessed you were older.

  Me: Thanks, I guess. What about you, you never told me how old you are.

  Jace: 27

  Me: How is it that you ended up with throat cancer at such a young age?

  He looks at me like he’s not sure he wants to have this conversation. But then he takes a breath and commits himself to it.

  Jace: Have you heard of HPV?

  Me: I think so, but isn’t that like an STD?

  Jace: Yeah, kind of. Usually it is seen in women and mostly it will simply go away on its own without any symptoms. But in rare instances it can cause cancer.

  Me: Cancer in women? Then how did you get it in your throat?

  I look over at him. He is not texting me, he’s just staring at me with raised eyebrows like he is waiting for something. Then it hits me. Oh my God. I get it. And for the umpteenth time today I turn red.

  Me: Oh.

  He laughs silently as I try to look at anything in the room but him.

  Jace: You are adorable when you blush.

  I shake my head at him. Why does he keep saying things like that when he has a girlfriend? He is toying with my emotions. Or maybe I’m simply reading things into this that I shouldn’t. Tanner kids with other girls all the time just like Jace jokes around with me. Maybe all guys are like that. Does he even have a clue how I really feel about him? I hope not because maybe then he would stop this—whatever this is. And even though I know it will hurt me in the end, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than to keep this up.

  Jace: Do you want to see another one of my paintings?

  I snap my head up with wide eyes and then reply.

  Me: YES! Of course I do.

  A proud smile crosses his face and then he looks down at his phone and taps around until he finds what he wants to send me.

  Jace: This is the only other painting I’ve done since my diagnosis.

  When I get the text I, once again, forward it to my email so that I can view it on my laptop. And once again, Jace looks as impatient as a kid in a candy store.

  I’m stunned by the abstract art that he creates. The image is clearly a depiction of two people on a sea of blue surrounded by white blobs that could represent boats. My first instinct is that he painted this after my revelation about my dad and the marina. But I shake my head at my own bold assumption that he could possibly paint something that has anything to do with me. He has a girlfriend, I remind myself for the hundredth time.

  Jace: Well?

  Me: I guess it could be
two people swimming out in the ocean among some boats.

  Jace: Could be. But is that what you really think it is?

  I look at him for a minute and take in his meaningful gaze. Then I study the painting some more. It dawns on me what it is. Or what I think it is. Or what my mind has decided it is. I abruptly look up at him.

  Jace: What, Keri. What do you think? Tell me.

  Me: I think it is two people, lying prone on a cold, hard tiled floor, surrounded by gleaming white bathroom fixtures. Two people that are so exhausted from getting sick that they can’t move from the position they are in.

  He blows out the breath he was holding and nods his head. Oh, God, I was right. I look back at the picture and belatedly notice that one of the ‘blobs’ has yellow hair. And then I notice the two people are holding hands.

  Me: Jace, it’s wonderful! You are so talented.

  Jace: I was inspired.

  We lock eyes for what seems like minutes. Nothing else exists in the world for me right now. In this brief minute, cancer does not control my life. I am free and my heart is bursting with unrequited feelings for the man sitting across the room from me.

  He closes his eyes and types out a text.

  Jace: Side effects. Now, Keri.

  Way to ruin the perfect moment for me.

  Me: What is it with you and your side effects? Are you bi-polar?

  Jace: No. Not bi-polar. Just feeling things I shouldn’t. Things I can’t.

  He stares at me some more and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’m so stupid. Of course he knows the side effects of chemo, we all do. Why did I ever think that he didn’t? He has feelings for me. I’m elated and sad at the same time. I’m not alone in this, yet I’m all by myself.

  Jace: I have a girlfriend, Keri.

  Me: Yes.

  Jace: I love Morgan.

  I take a deep breath. Of course he does, I’m fooling myself to think otherwise.

  Me: Yes.

  Jace: But I feel this intense connection with you.

  Me: Yes.

  All this time. When he’s asked me for side effects. Those are the times when his feelings for me are creeping up and he needs to have something to take his mind off me. Something terrible. Something gross. I don’t want him to feel any guilt. So I play along.

  Me: Sometimes my pee is red for a few days after chemo. Oh, and my nails are brittle and flaky and they look like an old woman’s. And my lips, they are so chapped I feel like I’ve been out in the sun for days without water. Yuck, I mean who would want to kiss that?

  I smile at him, but it is a weak smile. I know he suffers a lot of the same side effects and wild horses couldn’t keep me from kissing his dry, chapped lips if given the chance.

  Jace: Thanks, Keri. You are a real friend, you know that don’t you?

  Friend. I look up at him and see him still wearing that frightful hat, and think about what I told Kimberly just last week. I would rather have him as a friend than not at all.

  Me: Anytime. And you, too.

  Chapter Seven

  “So he makes you spew out gross things about chemo so that he can stop thinking about undressing you with his eyes?” Tanner asks, before finishing off his beer and grabbing another.

  We are having a Wednesday night movie marathon. It is one of his few nights off so we rented some chick flicks, ordered Chinese food and are sharing a six pack. Well, technically Tanner is having five and I’m having one since I’m not supposed to drink much.

  “Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that,” I say, grabbing the last egg roll. “But he says he does it because he can’t have feelings for me.”

  “Mmmm.” He studies me for a second. “I read the texts, Keri. The guy wants you.”

  “Not really, Tanner. It’s just that we share this thing. This horrible thing that nobody else can relate to and it makes us feel closer than we would normally. But we have no connection outside of chemo.” I sigh and wipe the beads of condensation from the side of my beer bottle. “I’m sure that if we met on the street, he wouldn’t even give me a second look.”

  “Keri, you really underestimate yourself, don’t you? You are sweet and compassionate and you’re super hot.” He grabs my leg and gives it a squeeze. “And you know I’d totally ‘do’ you again if I was straight, right?”

  I lean over and kiss his check. “Thanks. I think.” I shake my head remembering the one time Tanner and I did hook up as I pick up the empty food containers and walk them into the kitchen. Then I frown when I notice what is on the counter. It’s another medical bill. They started rolling in last week when I got the bill for harvesting my eggs. That alone cost more than eight thousand dollars plus my yearly storage fee. Tanner insisted I do it even though it was expensive and it might not even be necessary. He said it would be a shame to deprive the world of my ‘hot genes.’ Just another reason why I love him so much.

  This bill is the first of many for my actual chemo. Not including the doctor visits and the extensive list of prescription drugs, which can cost even more than the chemo cycles. However, I’m completely surprised when I open it and find that the amount due is much less than I expected. This bill should cover four cycles, but I think they mistakenly charged me for only one. I show the invoice to Tanner.

  “No, it covers all the dates of your first four. Look here.” He points them out to me.

  “But when I had my consultation they said it would be much more than this.”

  “And your problem with this is?” He raises his brows at me.

  “I just don’t want them to discover their error after I’ve gone and spent the money on something else,” I tell him.

  “Then call them tomorrow. But if I were you, I wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” He throws the bill down on the counter. “Just sayin’.”

  “Tanner, we unexpectedly got raises. Then I won that spa day. We got off-the-charts tips last weekend and now this. It’s not possible for one person to be so lucky.” I shake my head at him.

  His eyes open wide and then he furrows his brow. “Lucky? You think you’re lucky, Keri?”

  “Well, I—”

  “What goes around comes around, sweetie,” he interrupts me. “Look at how hard you work despite the fact you have cancer. The kids you help at Freeway? What you did for me? You are an incredible woman. This is pure karma and you deserve every good thing that happens to you.”

  I smile at my best friend as he leads me back out to the couch. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve you, Tanner. But I’m so grateful you are in my life.” A tear slips out of the corner of my eye and trails down my cheek before he reaches out to wipe it.

  “No. It’s me that’s grateful.” He sits us down on the couch and pulls my legs into his lap. “Now quit crying and save the waterworks for our Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan marathon.”

  ~ ~ ~

  Monday morning has me feeling guilty about missing an entire shift at the club this weekend. I should have known better than to put in a day at The Freeway Station when I had a shift that night. It kills me that I can’t do both.

  Seven more cycles. Seven more weeks and if all goes well, I will start to get back to normal after that.

  I’m running a few minutes late because I stopped by the club to see if I could take Shana’s Wednesday shift since she was called in for mine. She wouldn’t hear of it and I didn’t push too hard since I know it would be a lot for me to do a full shift only two days after a treatment.

  When I walk in, I’m surprised to see a woman sitting next to Jace. For a split second, jealousy courses through my veins and I want to stretch my leg out and kick her chair right out from under her. But Stacy is impatiently waiting for me across the room so all I can do is nod and smile at Jace on my way by.

  Stacy is doing my workup when she whispers in my ear, “It’s just his sister.”

  I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding in. I stare across the room at them while Stacy finishes up with me. His sister is quietly talking to him an
d he is writing back to her. I look from one to the other and see that she has the same light-brown hair as he did, but the similarity ends there. She smiles, but her face is lacking that wonderful dimple that he has and I can’t be sure from this far away, but I think her eyes might be blue. Then I look at her tight sweater that enhances her large breasts. She looks over and catches me staring and I watch as a huge grin creeps up her flawless face.

  As soon as Stacy is finished with me, Jace’s sister says something to him and then walks across the room and pulls a chair up right next to me. She holds her hand out to me. “Keri, I’m Jace’s sister, Julianne. But you can call me Jules. All my friends do.”

  She smiles brightly at me and I feel instantly at ease with her. “It’s nice to meet you, Jules.”

  “I just had to come and meet the girl that has my big brother all in a tizzy,” she says not quite loud enough for Jace to hear.

  My jaw drops and I turn my head towards her to look her straight in the eye.