by Matt Brennan
So I say nothing.
I want to give her the time to process and decompress. And hopefully calm down.
But she starts shaking in front of me. I start to panic. I think maybe she might be slipping into shock. I don’t know what to do, so put my hand on her shoulder in a comforting gesture and I gently pat her back.
But she spins and throws her arms around me and buries her face in my neck. I can feel the tears moisten my neck. She is uncontrollably sobbing now. I awkwardly place my arms around her. I can feel her hands gripping my jacket tightly behind my back. I put my left hand on her shoulder blade and the other I clumsily place on the back of her head. And almost without thinking, I start rocking her.
It’s weird, like all those hugs my mother gave me when I was scared come rushing back to me. It just feels natural to hold her. I just want to soothe her and make her feel safe. I would give anything to make her feel safe.
I begin a steady stream of whispers, saying, “It’s okay. I’ve got you. We’re safe. You saved us. We’re safe.”
God she smells so good and she’s so warm. I begin to hate myself, because it’s not cool to take so much pleasure from comforting someone. But I can’t help myself. She feels so good in my arms. She lifts her head and looks at me and her eyes are just so deep brown and vulnerable and beautiful.
I can honestly say, I have never seen anyone look more beautiful than Lyssa does at this moment.
So I kiss her.
I know. I’m such an ass.
I don’t know where it came from, the desire to kiss her was suddenly just so overpowering. When my lips meet hers, there is this spark that seizes me in my stomach. I’ve never done this before and I have to admit, I had been sort of dreading it. I was terrified I’d stink at it. That whatever passion might have been there, my lack of skill would squash it. But it just feels so natural to kiss her that I can’t stop. And she is kissing me back with just as much passion as I’m kissing her.
And I was so afraid Ellie would k—oh my god, Ellie!
I jump back. “I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have done that.”
Lyssa is clearly embarrassed and emotional and I took advantage of the situation. I’m such an ass.
“Lyssa, I’m so sorry. I—I mean, you just looked so—I mean, I don’t know what I—That’s not true, I totally knew, but—”
Lyssa finally stands and walks into the shadows. “Don’t.”
The tension between us now is so thick, I’m not sure I can stand it.
What was I thinking?
After a few minutes, we silently decide we both need to move on. We climb on the sled and hang our legs over the sides, so we can drag our feet to help us stop. No more running starts.
We start gently, by pushing off with our feet, and then pick them up. We travel swiftly and silently. She is like a block of steel in front of me. It’s hard to believe she’s the same person.
I have completely ruined our friendship.
After a few hours I can’t stand the silence. “Can we stop? I have to pee and I’m starving.”
Lyssa nods but says nothing. We stop, and Lyssa leaps up from the sled so fast, she nearly knocks me over. I get up and we turn the sled sideways so it doesn’t roll down the tunnel. We unpack the portable stove and Lyssa begins to heat us up some soup.
I can’t stand the silence. It’s so overpowering, it’s hurting my ears.
I’m about to speak and Lyssa stops me. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
She sighs, and stirs the pot, saying “Just don’t.”
I stand up and begin to pace. “This is crazy! I can’t take this silence!”
She stops stirring and looks at me. “I’m sorry, but I don’t remember asking you to kiss me.”
“I know that.”
“And I definitely didn’t ask you to stop.”
I shove my hands in my pockets, feeling even more guilty than I did before. “I know.”
She beings stirring again. “So you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t care if you’re uncomfortable with my silence. I’m processing things. I do that with my brain and not my mouth.”
She serves the soup and we eat in silence.
So unfortunately, all I’m left with are my own thoughts and feelings of guilt. I have never been more confused about anything in my life. My dad’s logic problems would be a welcome distraction right now. I have these intense feelings for Ellie. I have a connection with her that few of my friends understand. And I know it’s not perfect, but it is what it is. She’s been there for me, as long as I can remember. There are precious few people I can say that about.
I mean, there are so many amazing things about Ellie it’s hard to list them. Her sense of humor is so dry it always takes me a minute to figure out she just told a joke. But when I do get them, they are hilarious. She’s brilliant. I mean, mad scientist brilliant. There hasn’t been a logic problem written that Ellie can’t demolish in seconds. Her coding is legendary in the Nexus.
She is one of a kind.
But then there’s Lyssa.
Oh my god, she is so beautiful. And she smells so good. And she has these chocolate-brown eyes that just kill me. And she, like just about everyone else who survived The Darkness, is way smarter than me. The way she steered the sled through the tunnel was nothing short of amazing.
And her voice!
Oh my god, that is truly the worst part about her silence, I just love the sound of her voice. It’s so melodic and raspy. I imagine that she would have been a really good jazz singer if the end of the world didn’t happen. I can totally picture her on stage, with a glittery blue dress, singing standards to a smoky crowd.
Even now, layered with the same crummy clothes that I have and wearing that gigantic winter coat and the over sized goofy hat, she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. And what’s worst, is that ever since I kissed her, it’s all I can think about. The feel of her lips and the warmth of her breath. Her taste. The deep felt connection.
God, I want that so bad again it hurts.
But I do nothing. Even though every fiber of my being is telling me to race over to her, stand her up look her in the eyes and say, “I’m so sorry I hurt you. It will never happen again.” And then kiss her, like I did before, but more so.
But I don’t.
I just sit here and eat my soup and look stupid.
I’m good at that.
CHAPTER TWELVE
After we eat, we get back on the sled and travel in silence.
We ride for hours without saying a word. Finally, out of exhaustion, Lyssa tells me to stop so we can make camp for the night. Lyssa makes a bed out of the sled and I curl up into a ball on the ground. I haven’t felt this alone since I was in the biosphere the day my mother died.
It takes me awhile, but I finally fall asleep. All I keep thinking about while I lay on the cold rock hard ground is why I was so stupid to ever leave the biosphere. I missed the Nexus and all my friends. I know they were just voices in the ether and weren’t really there, but I feel so alone now.
I would have killed to have them.
I finally fall asleep thinking about my last visit to the Nexus.
* * *
It was always startling to me, logging into the Nexus I mean.
I got that I was really just sitting at my desk, but with the goggles on and the earphones jacked in, it was like being Jeannie on that old TV show I Dream of Jeannie.
You ever watch that show?
The one with the blonde lady with the long ponytail, who wore extremely revealing outfits and called her live-in boyfriend Master? Well it was just like when Jeannie would pop in, one second you’re sitting on the couch, then with a flick of your ponytail, you’re standing in the drop-off point in the Nexus.
It was just jarring is all. Only way to explain it.
Every time a new user account logged in, they started out at the drop-off point. Since I hacked into the system, I got dumped there. I was expecting it. Su
re, it’s annoying, but it wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened.
At least I was close to Central Perk.
I walked out the door and I found myself standing in the middle of a busy square. It was night and yet there had to be two- or three-thousand people bustling past me through the streets of the city. The Nexus drop-off area was designed to look like a busy neighborhood in Hong Kong at rush hour. Most of the people you saw there were fake, they were just bots trolling around. You learned to avoid them pretty fast. Of course, when you were new to the game, the bots were harder to spot. More times than I care to admit, I spent entire evenings trying to convince a bunch of code into a date.
Embarrassing. But it’s happened to everyone.
I raced up Main Street and made a beeline to the coffee shop. It was where all of our friends hung out. It was set up to look just like Central Perk, the coffee shop the cast of Friends hung out at on their show.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Another TV show? Really?
You see, a few years ago, Zack and I found this server that had every TV show that’s ever aired. It was a treasure trove of entertainment and fun. That server got me through some pretty lonely nights. Anyway, I think it was Zack’s idea, or maybe mine, to make the coffee shop from the show. Anyway, we ran the place as a side business. Ellie and I spent months coding the place. We didn’t get rich from it, but it was a nice steady stream of creds.
When I walked in, Ellie wasn’t there, but luckily Zack was. I grabbed him by his arm and pulled him over to the couch. He had no clue who I was, because when you’re new to the Nexus you get a generic avatar.
“Dude, you have like zero seconds to get the heck away from me or I’m gonna brain you!”
“Zack, shut up and sit down. Don’t make a scene, but it’s me, Dorian.”
Zack leaped to his feet and grabbed my shirt collar and pulled me to my feet, “Dude, now I’m definitely gonna brain you! Dorian was my best friend till he died and thanks to that stupid joke, in a minute, you’re going to join him!”
I grab his wrists. “Zack, you had a fire last year. Did you eat today, or is this a fasting day? You have three of those a month, right?”
Zack lets me go and backs away. “Dude, you’re really freaking me out here.”
Encouraged, I say, “Your dad didn’t properly vent the methane out of the recycler and it caught fire.”
Zack grabbed my shoulders, and shouts, “Dorian? For real?”
I rolled my eyes. “Zack, lower your voice and just so you know, if you try to hug me or make a scene, I’m punching you in the face.”
Zack instantly hugged me tightly, “Holy crap! It really is you! Dorian, what the heck’s going on? Are you like a ghost in the machine?”
It had to be a fast day. Zack got really stupid on the fast days.
I grabbed Zack and pulled him down to the couch and looked around to make sure no one was paying attention. “Zack, you know for a brilliant guy, you can really be a moron! No, I’m not a ghost. We’re in the Nexus idiot.”
Zack shook his head. “I know, but you’re dead dude?”
I kept looking around to make sure no one was paying attention. “Jeez, will you keep your voice down? I didn’t die. I almost died, but I pulled through. Don’t ask me how, because I haven’t a clue.”
Zack smiled. “Hey, that rhymed!”
I sighed, sometimes I forgot he was slowly starving to death. “Where’s Ellie?” I asked.
Zack shook his head. “Dude, she is hurting man. I haven’t seen her since your broadcast. She just went radio silent. She hasn’t responded to my texts or anything. You really need to think things through before you die man. You know, for next time and all.”
I loved Zack, but he really needed to fix his food situation. “Look Zack, I don’t have time to explain. I need you to a get a scrambled message to her, telling her I’m alive and to meet me at Central Perk at nine tonight, Nexus time.”
Zack looked unsure. “Dude, if you’re Dorian, why can’t you do that yourself?”
I looked around; I knew my time was short. I had to log off and fast. “No time to explain man. Someone is looking for me and they cannot find me.”
Zack collapsed back into the chair. “Dude, this is so weird. I mean, I always figured that if I was talking to your double, he’d at least look like you. I don’t know what to do man. Are you sure you’re Dorian?”
I smiled, sometimes the similarities between the character Joey on that show Friends and fasting Zack were just eerie. “Zack, it’s me. You have a picture of Ingrid Bergman beside your bed and dream about her on a nightly basis.”
Zack sat bolt upright and dove into my arms hugging me again. “Holy moly! It really is you!”
I looked around, hoping his affections weren’t attracting too much attention. But after a minute, I didn’t care if anyone saw us, I just wanted him to let me go, “Zack, we can have the warm reception you want another time my friend. But right now, I really need you to log off and get the message to Ellie. Can you do that for me?”
Zack jumped to his feet, “Right, I’ll be right back! Man, I can’t believe you’re still alive!”
I pulled him back to the couch, and said softly, “Zack, if you don’t keep your voice down, I won’t be! I will see you soon, but get her the message.”
I reached out with my real hands, hit the “Escape” key and Zack and Central Perk vanished from sight.
I took off my goggles and disconnected from the satellite. I sighed as I had forty-five minutes to kill. I couldn’t believe I had to count on Zack during a fasting day. I hoped he picked up on the fact that I told him to scramble the message. Which was a code we came up with to use this clandestine communication network Ellie invented. It spread a signal out over fifteen satellites, so if you didn’t have the proper software to merge the data, there was no way you’d be able to detect it, nevermind read it. It was the most secure form of communication ever thought of by anyone—ever!
Just my opinion—but I was bias.
Did I mention Ellie was genius?
This is a common thread with survivors, that genius trait. You had to be smart to both foresee the plague and then build a biosphere. Anyone incapable of reading a wiring diagram was just no longer among the living.
After my busy day, I was completely exhausted. So I set the alarm for 8:45 p.m., which should have given me plenty of time to reconnect to the satellite and hack my way back in. I jumped into bed.
I remember I was asleep before I even closed my eyes.
* * *
I hear a loud noise and jump out of bed. My heart is racing.
I never hear noises. I don’t even know what to do with noises.
So, I creep to the door and peer out. There isn’t anything there, but I don’t like it. It’s just too quiet. So I grab the hammer sitting on my desk and dash out into the hallway, hammer raised to kill. I curse my parents for not believing in weapons, because a shotgun right now would be very comforting.
I look all over, trying desperately to discover the source of the sound when I hear it again behind me.
Screeeeeeeeeech!
The sound hits my nervous system with the collected force of ten thousand fingernails scraping a chalkboard. Which is bad enough, but isn’t the worst part. The worst part is that it seems to be coming from one of my parent’s rooms.
I’m terrified. My hands are shaking and sweating. My mouth is completely dry. I slowly walk towards my mother’s door, despite my every instinct telling me to run the other way, I just have to know.
When I get to her door I slowly peel back the black plastic sheeting and look through the window and I see her. She’s lying in the exact same spot I left her in. I turn around and my rotting zombie father reaches out and grabs me by my throat and growls, “How could you have just left her on the floor!”
* * *
I snapped awake and jumped from the bed screaming. I brushed off my clothes with abandon, as I remember I could sti
ll feel my father’s slimy hands on me, not to mention the horrible stench. The alarm suddenly went off and I jumped nearly as badly as I did when I thought my dead father was coming to wreak vengeance on me. I shook the willies out of my skin and sat on the edge of the bed. After a moment I reached over and shut off the alarm.
Is there any sound more awful than that of an alarm clock? Who invented them anyway, Marat Sade?
I remember I was so shaken I had to sit at my desk for a minute before I reached down to turn on my CPU. After the screen turned on, I connected my server to the Soviet weather satellite and within minutes I was logging back into the Nexus. I put on my goggles and headphones and hit “Enter”.
* * *
I was once again standing in the drop-off point in the Nexus.
It would have been easier to just log in as myself, but I know they were hoping I’d make a mistake like that. I dashed out the front door to race down Main Street and something stopped me in my tracks.
No one was here.
I’ve never seen this before. There was always a thousand bots and people milling all around. Not to mention the zillion conversations happening in the cacophony of rush hour.
The silence was just weird.
If it weren’t for the fact that I was quickly running out of time and had to get to the Perk, I would have looked into things. But I just didn’t have the time; I had to see Ellie. If there was one person in the world who could hack into the Nexus when nobody else could, that would be Ellie. I knew she’d be there. So I raced off down Main Street. When I got there, I could only see one person inside—and it wasn’t Ellie. I was tempted to wait across the street till she got there, but something told me I needed to check that person out.
So I stepped inside and tapped the dude on the shoulder and asked him where everyone was. Doctor Sanderson turned around. I stumbled backwards a few steps and fell over the back of the armchair, plopping down into the seat.
Doctor Sanderson lunged forward to try to catch me. “Please, don’t be alarmed Mr. Whitney. You do remember me, correct?”