by Lucy Coleman
Karl’s smile is so fake that it’s like a mask, giving away nothing of the turmoil that’s probably going on inside his head right now. I look at him, hoping that finally he will do the right thing. Robert is giving him a chance to get this out in the open and maybe find a way around it.
‘Nothing could be further from the truth, Robert. Naturally, both Anna and I are used to spending a lot of time together because we are both totally committed to what we do. Speaking for myself, I think we make a good team on a professional level and I like to think that it works equally as well for Anna.’
A slight frown passes over Robert’s face. ‘To be clear, what you are saying is that neither of you have an issue with the no fraternisation policy? It’s there for a very legitimate reason, to safeguard both our clients’ interests and those of our colleagues. Nothing divides a team more than the conflict when personal relationships complicate matters.’
Karl’s face doesn’t flinch. ‘Understood, and I can assure you there is nothing remotely personal going on between Anna and myself. We simply make a good team and spark off each other, which benefits both our clients and the company.’
How can he sit there and say that in front of me? How can he deny us without a second thought – when ‘love you, babe’ trips so easily off his tongue? He’s lying to Robert but the question in my mind is was he lying to me all along?
I’m so angry and confused that I don’t know what to do. I’ve lived in dread of something like this happening and now all my worst fears have been confirmed. If I make an admission now then I’m destroying two people’s careers. If Robert directs the question at me next, I’m sunk. I don’t know if I can hold back the angry words forming in my head and it will be a brutal outpouring. I’ll leave him in no doubt whatsoever about what’s really been going on. I take a deep breath, not at all sure what I’m going to say until the words are suddenly there.
‘Actually, Robert, I’m making some major changes in my life at the moment and it was my intention to hand in my resignation this morning. I’m sorry that the timing of this isn’t the best, but I’m sure you’ll easily find another candidate who can assist Karl in this exciting new challenge. Someone who isn’t sleeping with him but then that doesn’t really appear to mean anything, anyway.’
The silence hangs uncomfortably between the three of us. It’s not only Karl’s jaw that has dropped as they both stare back at me in total disbelief. I can only hope my own face isn’t giving anything away, because I’m equally as horrified as they are by the words that have just slipped out of my mouth with no prior thought whatsoever.
Karl begins speaking, his eyes flicking frantically between Robert and myself.
‘Anna, I was only trying to protect you… Robert, this was a situation we were going to resolve, I can give you my utmost assurance of that.’
Resolve? How? I’ve not even left the room and he’s already focused on damage limitation, first and foremost. When I turn and walk towards the door I push back my shoulders and straighten my spine. One thing no one can accuse me of is being a coward when it comes to drawing a line. And the line has now been drawn.
One Moment of Glory and Then Reality Dawns
The sense of elation is momentary; a transient feeling of power and being in control. A natural reaction, I tell myself, considering the way Karl has treated me. But even before I get back to my desk I’m tearful and panicky. I have one month to sort out my life and find myself another job. Was making that impulsive decision to resign worth it?
Yes.
My email to HR is brief and I don’t offer any form of explanation. Less than twenty minutes later their acknowledgement informs me that I am being granted thirty days paid gardening leave to commence with immediate effect. After which, my employment with the company will cease. The HR manager reminds me of the commercial-in-confidence clause within my contract and informs me I have until the end of the day to clear my desk. It’s like a slap in the face. So my hard work counts for nothing, nothing at all.
Well, at least that means I don’t have to face the humiliation of coming back into the office while I’m serving my notice. Rumours won’t begin circulating until tomorrow, if I’m lucky. I don’t want to be around when people start asking what happened and why.
As I’m re-reading HR’s email for the third time, still reeling a little, a notification alert pops up and there’s an email from Karl.
Hey, babe. Well, that was unexpected. I’m not even sure I understand what happened. I didn’t mean anything I said, I assumed you’d know that – it was just a way of getting around the situation. Fortunately, Robert was fine about it all after you left and said he thought it was for the best. But I was shocked and I will miss having you by my side. Still, you took one for the team and I owe you. It’s full steam ahead and Robert said it was good to clear the air. When everything is up and running I’m sure I can talk Robert into welcoming you back. We can say that your plans for the future didn’t quite work out as you’d hoped and that we’ve started seeing each other again.
Fist pumping the air! We did it and I’ll soon have you back at my side – what do you say? I must go – Robert has called me into a meeting so I’ll catch up with you as soon as I can. We’ll sort this, don’t worry. Love you, babe, you’re the best!
Am I missing something here? It takes two to have an affair and yet Robert is prepared to overlook Karl’s part in this deception. That’s unbelievable, given that first of all he was my boss and secondly, he stood there and blatantly lied to his face. I stand up and tell the truth and I’m treated as if I was the only one breaking the rules. Talk about double standards!
Why had I let Karl talk me into doing something I knew from the start was wrong and which pushed aside my principles as if they meant nothing? Am I so desperate to be loved that I’m willing to pay any price at all? And now I have nothing. No relationship and no job. Karl, on the other hand, has a nice promotion and still thinks he can waltz back into my life when it’s convenient. You’ve just shown your true colours, Karl, and now I know the reason I was feeling so hesitant. It wasn’t my past insecurities but my instincts screaming at me that I was in danger of making a big mistake. Why, oh, why, didn’t I listen?
*
I leave the office less than an hour later without attracting any undue attention. I’m often out and about so it’s not unusual and the few personal things I keep in the office barely fill a small carrier bag. I feel like I’m slinking away, though, and I keep telling myself that maybe I played into Robert’s hands. Karl is the one he wanted and I’m collateral damage.
For some inexplicable reason, when I arrive home I throw myself into cleaning the house from top to bottom. I suppose it helps to have something to do while I try to take it all in. I keep going over and over some of the things that have happened in the past and suddenly I’m seeing it from a slightly different perspective. Two hours pass and I’m just finishing off in the bathroom when the doorbell rings. As I open it, I realise I’m still wearing my bright pink rubber gloves.
‘Babe, you didn’t respond to my text. We were lucky Robert took it so well but that was a big risk you took there. Here, why are you cleaning? Let’s take those off.’
Karl steps inside and immediately begins to slip the gloves from my hands, throwing them onto the console table in the hallway.
‘We need to talk through what happens next,’ he adds, apparently totally unfazed by today’s events.
‘Next?’
He turns and walks into the sitting room and I follow him, trying to keep up with what he’s saying.
‘… the meeting went well and things need to be put in place rather quickly now. I’m not going to be around much at the start and the panic is on to replace you. But you’re a tough act to follow and it isn’t going to be easy. I wish we’d had more notice as that was a bit drastic, Anna. You didn’t have to resign; we could have found a way around it if you’d stuck to the plan.’
‘More lies, you mean? Wel
l, I’m done with that, Karl.’
‘Done with what?’
‘With us. It’s over. The fact that you could so easily dismiss what we have when you had no idea how I’d react to that. Didn’t you think I’d be at least a little hurt by what you said and maybe see that as something to be concerned about?’
The look of surprise on his face is quickly turning into one of anger.
‘It’s business, what’s your problem? We did what we had to do for me to get that promotion. I was doing it for both of us and we each had to make a sacrifice. We only have to wait a short while and then I tell everyone how much I miss you, so much so that I ask you to marry me.’
From where I’m standing Karl made his sacrifice seem worryingly easy; too easy. And now, it seems, his plans extend way beyond a mere promotion. Isn’t that something he should have mentioned before now?
‘Everything that has happened goes against the grain for me. I can’t go on like this, Karl. We both want different things out of life and I think that’s become increasingly obvious as time has gone on. I wish you luck and great success but I can’t be a part of your future plans.’
He stands there looking at me as if I’m mad.
‘You are joking, Anna, aren’t you? Where has all this sudden disapproval come from? I thought we were clear from day one about where we were heading.’
I turn on my heel and head towards the hallway. A few seconds pass and I’m already standing with the front door open when he eventually walks up to me.
‘You’re heading out of my life, Karl, and I’m going to have a long think about what I’m going to do next. This chapter in my life is now firmly closed.’
*
It’s a full week before I pluck up the courage to ring Mum. The glow from the satisfaction of handing in my resignation lasted what, three minutes at most? After that it was like being on a rollercoaster heading towards the ground at a terrifying speed. I’ve never hit rock bottom as fast as I did later that night. Sitting at home, alone and wondering what the hell I was going to do next was the most depressing moment of my entire life. And I thought I’d already experienced that several years’ ago.
‘Anna, how are you, dear?’
Just the sound of Mum’s voice is like the hug I so badly need right now. Warm and comforting.
‘I’m good. How is life in Saint-Julien-de-Vouvantes?’
Mum and Dad moved to France ten months ago. It’s something they intended to do when they retired, but when Dad was made redundant it seemed logical to bring their plans forward. Neither Mum nor Dad were happy at the thought of us being parted when the day finally came to wave them off. However, I encouraged them to go for it because the time was right. After all, I’m an independent woman and they should be able to stop worrying about me and put themselves first for a change.
Admittedly, set in the Loire-Atlantique department in western France, Saint-Julien-de-Vouvantes is about six hundred miles away from my home in the market town of Dursley, in Gloucestershire. But my life seemed to be finally settling down and we said our goodbyes the day they sold their house nearby, safe in the knowledge that I wasn’t alone. After all, I had Karl by my side. Well, almost, because he lived in Stroud, about a fifteen minute drive away from the office. That was another reason why my move to a bigger house on the same new build development in Dursley was crazy. I was so sure he’d step in at some point before I could sign on the dotted line. But the disappointments just kept on coming right up to the end.
I tune back in, trying not to sigh at Mum’s blissful state of total ignorance.
‘– and we’re already fully booked for the entire summer season. It’s marvellous, isn’t it?’
This is great news, but it takes a lot of effort to make myself smile enough to lift my voice.
‘That’s wonderful, Mum. Is the house totally finished now?’
‘Oh, yes. Dad’s done well and it’s been a blessing, as you know, having English builders virtually on our doorstep. The Callaghans have become great friends. Neil and Sarah have been so supportive and their son, Sam, is still working here. He recently began renovating the first of those two dilapidated stone buildings in the orchard that we’re planning on turning into gîtes. It’s all so exciting seeing our dream coming alive.’
‘Things really are moving along nicely and I’m thrilled for you both.’
‘Ah, thanks lovey. Neil obtained the permis de construire for us and we had the mayor, Bastien Deniaud, to dinner to talk about our plans for the gîtes. Many of our bookings came from Bastien’s referrals and we’re turning people down for the peak weeks on a daily basis. How we’re going to cope with all the rooms full, I have no idea, but Sarah has offered to help out.’
It’s lovely to hear her sounding so happy. When they bought Le Manoir d’Orsenne it was in a relatively good condition, just needing general redecoration and a new kitchen. But there was a lot of work to do to turn it into a bed and breakfast business. The biggest problem was the plumbing, which was never designed to accommodate multiple en-suite facilities. On my very first visit I was shocked to hear my father, one of the most patient men I know, swearing under his breath as he struggled with a labyrinth of old pipework. The solution was to install a new system alongside the old one, rather than to try to utilise what was there and overload a system that worked well within limits.
‘When I was there last your guests looked very happy, despite the fact that Dad and Neil were still working on the outside of the property. It must look so lovely now.’ I can’t hide the wistful note in my voice.
There are a few seconds of silence before Mum jumps in.
‘What’s happened, Anna? I can tell something is wrong.’
I clear my throat, uneasily. Crunch time.
‘I handed in my notice and I’m looking for another job.’
The sharp intake of breath is as clear as if Mum is standing in front of me.
‘Oh, Anna. Is this about Karl?’
I nod, then realise she isn’t here in the flesh.
‘Yes. I was offered a promotion but things became complicated. Karl wants us to focus on our careers—’
My words dry up as a feeling of hurt, combined with a sense of abject failure, threatens to overwhelm me. I mustn’t start crying as that wouldn’t be fair on Mum.
‘My poor, darling, girl. Maybe it’s for the best… oh dear. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s only that I want to see you happy, lovely girl, because it’s what you deserve.’
I can hear the concern in her voice.
‘What will you do?’
I try my best to sound upbeat. ‘I’m in the process of applying for a job with another agency and it would be a step up – sort of on a par with the promotion I was offered.’
Mum isn’t fooled.
‘Your heart’s not in it, Anna, I can hear it in your voice.’
The seconds roll by as I try to pull myself together and lighten my mood, as Mum continues.
‘Anna, I know you, my love, and whatever has happened between you and Karl has hit you hard. I’m not trying to interfere, but if it really is over then you’re going to need some time to pick yourself back up. You deserve better and you must never forget that, Anna. Why don’t you come and spend a little time here? It’s such a wonderful time of the year and it’s very warm.’
‘Oh, Mum, if only life was that simple. I’ve not long moved into the new house and I simply can’t afford not to work. I guess it was a bit cavalier of me, handing in my notice when I’ve so recently taken on an even bigger mortgage. Bricks and mortar might be a good investment but they’re also a heavy burden.’
I can hear Mum whispering, no doubt her hand is only partially covering the mouthpiece of the phone and she doesn’t realise I can hear them talking. Dad has probably been listening in, concerned by her responses. There’s a rustling sound, then Dad’s voice comes on the line.
‘Hi, Anna. Listen, honey, we have plenty of work over here, whether it’s helping i
n the house or getting your hands dirty on the renovations. We’d really appreciate some help as it’s hard to find casual workers. You could earn some money, and it would be a blessing to have you here as the pressure is on.’
Aww, my heart feels heavy when I hear the love and concern reflected in his voice. He’s trying to convince me that they need me, rather than it being the other way around.
‘It’s not that simple, Dad. I wish it were.’
‘Then make it simple. Rent the house out for six months. Lizzie is in the lettings business and she’ll sort it out for you. Come out and earn a little money while enjoying a break away from it all. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it, Anna. I’m only cross I didn’t warn you about that Karl Radford.’
‘Geoff!’
Mum’s voice sounds scandalised and I can visualise them jostling over the phone.
‘Don’t listen to your dad, Anna. If things aren’t really over between the two of you and this is just a temporary… blip, then we want you to know we are here for you no matter what happens.’
It all goes silent as, no doubt, Mum gives Dad one of her infamous stares to put him in his place.
‘It’s truly over, Mum. When I made it clear that we were personally involved, Karl told Robert Carson he’d lied in order to protect ME. What sort of man does that? And to add insult to injury, after I left Robert told him my leaving was for the best. Karl’s promotion is still on the table as if everything was my fault!’
‘Oh.’
The line goes ominously quiet and I wonder if Mum is wondering how I could be foolish enough to let it happen to me for a second time. Am I one of those people who are always destined to keep making the same mistakes over, and over, again? I thought I was protecting myself this time around. But if that’s true then why does it still hurt so much?