by Lucy Coleman
‘You don’t have to work constantly, you know.’ Mum settles herself back in her seat and frowns at me. ‘This is a working holiday. Notice that work isn’t the only word in that phrase.’
I nod, my mouth full of sweet young lettuce leaves from the garden.
‘I’m happy and I like to be productive. My focus is getting that wall finished so I can help Sam when it’s time to start the painting. He’s a hard worker, that’s for sure.’
‘I’m glad the two of you are getting along. He’s a nice young man and I know he needs the money, but he has really put himself out to help us. The clock is ticking and we need those gîtes to be rented out. He usually works alongside Neil, so we have him to thank, too.’
We eat in silence for a few minutes. Even though we’re a long way from the front of the house I can hear the children’s excited screeches and laughter carrying on the breeze. Other than that, it’s mainly bird song and the occasional bleating from the sheep in the field behind us.
‘Sam has settled here permanently, then?’
Dad stops eating to take a sip of his wine and glances across at me.
‘You must get him to show you his project some time. He bought a wreck of a barn and he’s turning it into a home.’
‘He said he’s been here for three years. Why isn’t it finished by now?’
Dad looks at Mum, who looks back at him with one of her warning expressions.
‘He works on it when he can between the day jobs, darling. How’s the fish?’
Well, that ends that line of questioning. From what I’ve seen so far, I can’t see why Sam would think he was such a disappointment to his family. Anyway, Mum is making it clear it’s none of my business and she’s right. I know she’s close to Sarah, but I doubt Mum would have told her the details of my sorry little tale, either.
‘Wonderful. You really should offer dinner to your guests, Mum. Your cooking is on a par with any restaurant I’ve eaten in and it would increase your income.’
‘I’ve been telling her precisely the same thing, Anna. Admittedly, we’d need some help in the kitchen, but when all eight rooms are let with potentially sixteen adults and maybe half-a-dozen children between the two family rooms, we’ll be able to afford to bring in some help. However, letting out the gîtes will give us a safety net and we’re hoping to be able to top our savings up for a rainy day.’
Mum glances across at Dad and then her eyes alight on me.
‘I’d forgotten what an effective team you two are when you’re in agreement about something. I am listening and maybe. We’ll see. Anyway, Anna, I don’t suppose you’ve heard from Karl at all?’
I hesitate for one tiny second but recover well.
‘It seems no one wants to speak to me, not even Lizzie. Still, that means the tenant will have settled in without any problems, so it’s good news in a way.’
Technically I haven’t heard from Karl, I’ve just scanned his texts with increasing irritation.
I love you, babe. Nothing will ever change that fact.
I know you are angry but please just let me know you are OK.
I’m in Edinburgh and it’s raining and I miss you.
Just let me explain, please. Don’t cut me off like this.
‘Well, I think you are well rid of him. I never liked him from the start. Overly confident, if you ask me and smug with it.’
‘Geoff! No one asked for your opinion and I think that’s something best kept to yourself. Anna, don’t take any notice. We hardly knew Karl and what matters is what you feel about him.’
Mum is now glaring at Dad, worrying that now he’s put his feelings out there it places me in an awkward position.
‘Actually, I agree with Dad. I am just as ambitious as Karl, but if I truly loved someone they would come first, every time. You guys have set the bar high, relationship wise, and I don’t intend to aim for anything less.’
Mum’s eyes suddenly begin to glisten and I change the subject by suggesting that we clear away and then have a look at today’s progress on the gîte. I think they are both in for a very pleasant surprise. At least that’s something I can feel positive about.
New Life, Old Wounds
Day four on the job and I’m up early. I start working on the wall before Sam arrives. The problem I have is that at one end there are some rather large gaps where, over the years, individual stones have fallen out. On Sam’s suggestion, I’ve been rooting around outside as there are pockets of stones in several places around the garden. Most have fallen out of the boundary walls, but it’s a case of finding the right shape and size to fill each hole. Gradually though, I’m making progress and if I can just stop worrying so much about the spiders who live in the larger crevices it would probably become quite a pleasurable task. It’s very much like putting a jigsaw together and you know when you have the right stone. As you set it into the mortar, it either looks at home, or it looks wrong. It’s a question of trial and error.
As I gingerly push my gloved hand into the next void to scoop out any loose rubble, my hand brushes against a flat edge. I manoeuvre my fingers around the object and yank, but it won’t budge. Taking a screwdriver from one of Sam’s tool boxes in the corner, I chip away at a couple of pieces of rubble that are holding back some of the crumbling mortar. Bit by bit I can work my hand further inside to scoop out the loose debris surrounding the object. Finally, a piece of stone that seemed to be wedged in front of the object releases and suddenly there it is in my hand – a small wooden box. It’s probably six inches square and it’s very old. The lid is too warped to prise open. I rub my gloved hand over the top of it but the dirt is caked on and will require some work to clean it up. I wonder why someone would shove this into a hole in the wall. Shaking it, it’s hard to tell if there is anything inside so I guess my curiosity will have to wait until later.
I place it on the window sill and get back to clearing out the hole, ready to fit a new stone and line it with mortar.
‘Hey, what’s this? Are you trying to show me up? How long have you been here?’
‘Not long. What do you think?’ I stand back, one arm folded across my chest and the other one raised as I cup my chin in my hand. It’s my thinking pose. Having just filled probably seventy-five per cent of the biggest hole I’m trying to assess my work with impartial eyes.
‘You haven’t done all of that this morning, have you?’ Sam looks at me incredulously.
‘No, of course not! After dinner, last night, I spent ages wandering along the boundary wall in search of suitable stones until it was too dark to see.’
A smirk makes its way over his face and I instantly react.
‘What? I’m loving this time with my parents but they do need a little quality time alone together. And I’m not used to having all of this spare time on my hands.’
As Sam begins to unpack some of his tools ready to start work he flashes me a sympathetic look.
‘There isn’t much to do here in the evenings except walk and you’re very welcome to join me tonight if you want.’
Karl’s latest text flashes through my mind.
Call me, let’s talk. Please. I can make this right, I promise you.
It’s a kind offer and I do need to keep myself occupied at the moment. I try not to read Karl’s texts before I delete them but sometimes I can’t help myself. He’s trying to make me feel that I owe him the chance to explain himself. Nothing will change how I feel, though, and being coerced into talking to him is the last thing I need right now. ‘Okay, sounds good. What time?’
‘Seven thirty. Now, sorry to drag you away, but when you’ve finished using up that mix can I borrow those strong arms of yours? If we can finish the boarding today then tomorrow I can begin filling and applying the tape to the joints ready for plastering.’
Typically with Sam, we exchange more words in that first five minutes than in the whole of the rest of the day. We work together in companionable silence, going back and forth with the plasterboard sheets. He
likes to concentrate on what he’s doing, only breaking the silence to give me directions. Although I don’t get time to do any more repointing, it’s another very satisfying day.
When it’s time to finish, Sam walks over to perform a quiet inspection of my repointing before packing everything up. He seems content with what I managed to achieve first thing, as I watch him out of the corner of my eye.
‘Right, I’m off to eat, shower and change. See you later.’
Dad and Sam pass in the doorway and I notice he gives Sam a grateful pat on the back before walking over to me. Ziggy puts in a brief appearance but disappears when I collide with the bucket and a trowel hits the floor with a loud clatter.
‘Poor Ziggy, a building site isn’t the best place for her but she likes to know what’s going on. It’s looking good, girl. The holes are nearly gone and you’re doing a great job. Mum’s worried you’re overdoing it, though. You were pottering around out here until late last night and up way before everyone else. Is there anything in particular worrying you? Or is this just general anxiety because you are at a crossroads? How are you doing for money?’
‘Dad, I’m a grown woman. I’m doing fine. I’m settling in, that’s all. It’s such a huge change for me and I’m happy to say I’m enjoying it. I just need to adjust to my new routine. Besides, my head is working on my plan of action for the future and gradually it’s coming together, but that’s not always conducive to sleep.’
‘Well, if you need anything, even just a listening ear, I’m here. I know you don’t like to worry your mum. I’m sorry if I was out of order about Karl. If he is the one for you and you end up going back to him, he might even redeem himself. Either way, I promise I’ll keep my opinions to myself.’
Dad places his hand on my shoulder and gives a gentle squeeze. I know that must have been so hard for him to say.
‘I appreciate your honesty, Dad. As for Karl, I think I’m guilty of seeing what I wanted to see, rather than what was really there, to be honest. I feel like I’ve been duped in a way. That’s why being here right now is so good for me.’
He nods his head, clearly relieved to see I’m not upset.
‘You’re no fool, Anna, and whatever you decide to do will be for the right reasons. Now, Mum sent me over to ask what time you want dinner?’
‘As soon as possible. I’m going for a walk with Sam tonight.’
Dad raises his eyebrows. ‘Mum will be pleased.’
I roll my eyes. ‘It’s not like that, Dad. I need to get back in shape and walking is gentle exercise. I can’t end up going home with arms like Arnold Schwarzenegger and legs like a sparrow.’
He laughs and we link arms as he walks me back to the house.
*
I close the passenger door, turning to Sam as I do up my seat belt.
‘I thought you said we were going for a walk?’
‘Yes, we are, but this isn’t the best place to take a stroll at night as there aren’t any pavements. It’s only a couple of kilometres away and it’s worth the drive, plus you’ll get to see the sunflowers as it’s a track around a field. Much safer when dusk falls.’
He has a point. The sun is sinking in the sky but there’s plenty of time for a good walk before the darkness descends.
‘I’m taking you to one of my favourite viewpoints. Was Geoff pleased with what we achieved today?’
‘He was delighted. He said he’s going to start clearing out the second gîte tomorrow. It’s packed full of old furniture but after poking my head in to take a quick look, I doubt anything in there is salvageable. There are too many spiders around for me to give him a hand, though.’
Sam’s side profile reflects an instant smile which he immediately tries to hide. He stopped short of laughing out loud, so that’s something, I suppose, but I can’t help my phobia. I notice that we turn right at a signpost marked Erbray 6km.
‘They were both in pretty much the same state. People tend to hang on to everything until one day all it’s good for is firewood.’
‘Oh, I found a box. I forgot to mention it to Dad. I can’t get the lid off, because it’s warped. It was stuffed into the wall.’
‘Interesting. Maybe it’s full of gold coins. Now wouldn’t that be a nice little find?’
‘I expect it’s empty, but if there was anything valuable inside it, then it begs the question about who put it there and why hide it in the first place?’
‘I’m pretty sure you could lay claim to it. Buying property means you buy it as it stands and that includes useless old furniture, as well as precious finds.’
I laugh. ‘Well, perhaps we can try to open it tomorrow.’
‘I have a six millimetre chisel that might ease it off. Right. This is it.’
Sam parks up on the verge alongside a field of sunflowers. The small heads have all closed and are bowed after a day spent gazing at the sun. In a few weeks’ time, this crop will be towering way above us, but today the sturdy stems barely reach my hip. We follow the narrow track around the outskirts until we reach an old wooden stile. Sam extends his hand to help me over it and we skirt around the edge of yet another field; this time it’s corn and there’s a rustling sound as the plants wave gently back and forth in the breeze. It’s not the easiest of walks as it’s slightly uphill, but we round a large copse and suddenly the land falls away in front of us. We are standing on the brow of a hill and the view is amazing. Less than half a mile away are three enormous wind turbines, standing like sentinels over the landscape. One is stationary, but the other two emit a low hum and a loud whispering sound as the blades turn and glint in the light of the glowing sunset.
With the sun low on the horizon behind them and the silvery blue sky streaked with a deep crimson pink, it looks more like a painting than a real life scene.
‘Impressive, isn’t it?’ For one moment, I’d forgotten Sam was standing next to me.
The sun shifts slightly and now there’s a huge ball of light being funnelled between two trees way in the distance. It sends a shaft of light across the field in front of us.
‘That’s quite a scene.’
‘Here, hop up onto this wall and we’ll watch the final rays before the sun slips below the horizon.’
We sit in silence for quite a while, watching as the ball of light becomes smaller and smaller. Time seems to stand still and suddenly my head is empty of all thoughts. I turn to glance at Sam, a look of pure concentration is on his face. He’s a very attractive guy and there are moments when he makes my pulse race. Like now, for instance.
‘Some people think wind turbines are a blot on the landscape, but I guessed you wouldn’t be one of them. You’re a thinker and you take pleasure in the aesthetics of life. A part of that is caring about the environment.’ He turns to look at me and I nod gratefully.
‘It’s taking me a while to unwind and let go of a few things. But I’m getting there.’
As I turn to look at him what I see on his face is empathy and maybe a tinge of regret, reflected in those mysterious green eyes flecked with a hint of grey.
‘Sometimes life’s hurdles aren’t easy to jump. It’s a case of learning how to survive the fall really.’
There’s sadness and pain in his voice.
‘Was it that bad?’
‘Bad enough. Anyway, it’s time to head back or we’ll find ourselves walking in the pitch black.’
We hardly speak on the journey home and I can see that he’s deep in thought. I give a final wave goodbye as Sam pulls the van off the drive, wondering why such a sensitive guy has chosen to turn his back on life. Yes, I know I’ve more or less done the same thing, but it’s only for six months. After that I’ll pick my old life back up again, just in a new way. I wonder why Sam can’t do that, too.
The Discovery
I hop into bed, waiting for Ziggy to decide where she’s going to settle before picking up my phone. I do so with a sense of something akin to dread. I don’t want to cut myself off from everyone in Dursley, or the friends
I made at work, but being here seems to make my old life seem unreal. Nothing matters in quite the same way as it did back home; I don’t feel an urgency to respond and get drawn back into it because I’m moving on. Living in France is a temporary thing, but when I go back everything will be different because I’ll be starting over again.
My inbox sends an automatic reply telling people I’m on holiday and will get back to them when I can as I have limited Wi-Fi access. Yes, that’s a cop out and I know it, but I figure I deserve a real break. I scan down the long list of emails, noting there are messages from several people I used to work with and the usual social media notifications. Then I find one from Lizzie:
Hey, Anna, I will call you at the weekend but I wanted to give you a few days to settle in. The tenant is fine and loves the house. He says the location is perfect for him as it’s close to where he works. When the tenancy is up he will be looking to buy something in the area. I know your long term plans are a bit up in the air at the moment, but having had a long chat with him, this guy is serious. He’s keen to talk to you before you think of putting it on the market, if that becomes an option. Anyway, hope the weather is wonderful and you’re enjoying yourself. Speak soon. L xx
I read it twice and find myself absentmindedly chewing my lip. I don’t know how I feel about this because I keep telling myself I have plenty of time before I start thinking about my next step. But selling the house wasn’t on my list of options, that’s for sure.
I scroll on down and Karl’s name is suddenly staring back at me. In the subject line it simply reads “Please don’t ignore this”. As I click to open it I can feel a knot forming in my stomach as my muscles tense.
Anna, nothing is working here. I’m going through the motions and hating every minute. You’re supposed to be here by my side as we’re a team and I’ve forgotten how to function alone.
I thought you felt something for me but to up and leave like that, without even a goodbye! I can’t believe this is happening. I thought this was the start of getting to where we wanted to be and that meant doing everything together.