by Kailin Gow
I thought about my fear of trying new things. I thought about my fear of breaking rules. For so many years, Billy had kept me in fear of messing up, of having any decent romantic relationships. So many years, my father and the people whose opinions he cared so much about, have kept me in fear of doing things outside of my comfort zone, doing anything that wouldn’t be acceptable for a Pastor’s upstanding daughter to do. It kept me from living fully as a person, from growing up.
“Yes,” I said. “I’m sure, with you, Collins. Only you.”
Collins’ eyes filled with tears. He took my hands and kissed each of my fingers. “You don’t know how much this means to me, Sam. You can tell me to stop at any time, and I will, Sam. You can trust me on that.”
“I trust you, Collins,” I said. “I love you.”
Collins inhaled deeply. “I love you, too, Babycakes.”
“Babycakes?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“Yes,” Collins said. “I’ll take you there one day…my favorite bakery. But for now, I’m hungry, I need my daily dose of you…” he licked his lips before he crushed me to his chest, carrying me into the Production Room and placing me on the Casanova bed. He reached behind me, and I heard a click. “We’ll start with something small.”
“Small?” I laughed. “At this point, Collins, anything you begin with will be a new experience for me so if it’s small, it’s still something fresh.”
Collins lifted my hands with his, leaning into me, above my head, and handcuffed me with soft sheepskin-lined handcuffs that came down from the bedpost. With my arms handcuffed above my head, my breasts jutted out freely, right in front of Collins. His eyes grew dark, as he stared at them. “You are so fucking beautiful,” he said. He closed his eyes as though he was memorizing in his mind how I looked naked and handcuffed hanging on his luxurious sexy bed.
Without a stitch of clothing on him, I could see how much he wanted me, and how much he was holding back. As much as he was admiring my body, I was admiring his. I think that was the point, with my hands above my head, I couldn’t touch him, while he reached behind me and pulled out an object. An ice cube. He sucked on it at first, and with his tongue licked the tip of my nipples. The ice cold sensation of his tongue wet against my skin made me moan. “Not cold enough?” he asked, rubbing the cube on the tip of my other nipple while licking the one still in front of him. The shock of the ice against my nipple jolted through me, and I felt my lower muscles clench. Collins took the same piece of ice cube and sucked on it before bringing it up to my lips to rub it against my lower lips. I opened my mouth and began sucking hard on it, feeling it quench my thirst, and giving a little relief to the fire that was raging inside. The room felt warmer, and I was feeling my skin began to sweat as Collins lifted my legs on top of his shoulders and mercilessly devoured my burning skin below. Not being able to move my hands or arms, I was trapped as his skilled tongue and mouth licked and bit me with small and then large pressure. Collins had the most talented tongue, and I was so aroused, I want him to pull away to kiss me. I wanted to taste his tongue.
“I want…” I panted.
Collins lifted his head for a second, looking at me with sincere blue eyes, deeply aroused, but adoring. “What do you want, Baby?”
“I want you to kiss me, Collins,” I said.
“Oh, but I’m not done with you yet,” he said, kissing the inside of my thighs. He crawled up my body, pressing his skin against mine until his face was facing mine, nose against nose. “Kiss you?”
“Kiss me, Collins,” I said.
He moved in and opened my mouth with his tongue before passionately kissing me, entwining my tongue with his. With his hand, he continued rubbing my nipples, while the other one reach into me, two fingers at a time until he found the most sensitive spot and started rubbing.
I’ve never felt so much sensations all at once, heightened just by having my hands above my head. “Collins,” I said, “I can’t hold on.”
“Then let go,” Collins said.
“I can’t,” I said.
“But you haven’t even began getting any pleasure out of this. I want to touch you so badly. I want to…” My moan was so intense as Collins’ hardness rubbed against my heated clit. Was he going to finally make love to me, fuck me, as I wanted so badly to be fucked by him?
Could he? Could the heat of our passion right now tip him over to having sex normally without any of his former needs?
“Just a minute,” Collins said. He walked over to a chest of drawers, took out a box of condoms, placed one on, and then, right when I thought he was returning, he went up to the control room. I looked up, and I saw the camera above me on the ceiling, adjusting. The robotic camera in front of the bed tilted, and the other one to the side moved.
Collins bounded down the stairs to me, ready to continue where we left off.
“I took one look at the camera overhead, the camera in front, and the camera to the side, and began laughing. If there was ever anything I was terrified of, it was being on stage unprepared. I felt so unprepared right now. This was my first time to have sex, and it’s going to be captured on camera.
“What’s the matter, Baby?” Collins asked. “I thought you wanted to try this?”
He was hard as a rock, and from the look of it, I wondered how I could fit him all in.
“Baby…we’ll ease into it,” he kissed my jaw, my neck, and then my breasts, while his fingers trailed down my stomach to once again work on my heat.
I was responsive, but still apprehensive.
“You’re so wet,” Collins said, appreciatively. “That’s good. It’ll be that much easier for you.”
“Collins,” I said, feeling the tension build again. “I want you to be in me with I come…”
Collins kissed me, and his eyes half-hooded in sheer bliss. “I would like that. I need this as much as you need this, our Next Step.”
He positioned himself over me, and I could feel the head right against me.
“Are you sure?” Collins asked me. “There’s no turning back after this. Once we do this, Baby, you’re mine. And I’m yours. I won’t let anyone come between us. Your body is mine, and mine is yours.”
My heart was racing. Collins was serious about making love with me. It wasn’t just about sex to him; it was about love and commitment. I was so wrong about him just wanting sex for the sake of it, just to have it.
Was I that committed to him? Was I ready to forsake everyone else for him?
Before I could answer, there was a beeping sound in the room. Over and over again, louder and louder.
“God, what can that be?” Collins yelled, frustrated. He gave me an apologetic look before he sauntered over to the dresser, where he picked up his phone.
“Oh, hi, Mrs. Sullivan,” Collins said, his voice immediately respectful. “Yes, she’s here. Hold on a second.”
Collins walked over to me, handing me the phone, after releasing the handcuffs. “It’s your mother.”
I stared at him in amazement and mouthed in silence, “When did my mom start calling you?”
“Hello Mom?” I said. “What’s up?”
“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Mom asked.
“Well…actually,” I stammered, blushing. Right, she did catch me at a bad time. The time when I was going to experience my first time having mind-blowing sex with Collins McGregor wrong time.
“I had been looking for you. Why didn’t you answer your phone? Never mind, I found Collins’ card and called him.”
“Why Mom, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know what to do, Sam. Your dad has demanded sole custody of Nydia when this divorce goes through. The hearing for that is scheduled at the OC Court House tomorrow. I tried getting a lawyer for this, but your dad is a Pastor. He’s upstanding, and it’ll be an easy case for him to win. I don’t want to spend what little money I have on legal fees to defend against that, but at the same time, maybe I should. I don’t want to lose Nydia.”
“I’ll talk to Collins about it,” I said. “Maybe he knows people who would know what to do. Where is the hearing tomorrow, Mom?”
“The OC Family Court, Judge Colleen Seevers.”
“I’ll meet you there tomorrow, Mom. Whatever I can do, even just being there for you, I will.”
“Okay, darling,” Mom said. “I love you, you know that?”
“Yes, I do,” I said. “I love you, too.”
“See you tomorrow.”
“See you, and don’t worry, we’ll figure something out.”
She hung up, and I turned to Collins.
“Collins, my parents’ divorce is almost finalized, and they’re holding a hearing on who gets custody of Nydia.” My voice broke thinking about my little sister, and how sad it would be for her to only live with one parent now. In fact, all of a sudden, I’m feeling an avalanche of sadness. My parents were getting a divorce after all these years. The family I knew of would be no longer.
Collins placed my black silk bathrobe over me, after slipping one on himself. “Don’t worry about it, I know a couple of people at that Court. I’ll talk to them.”
He hugged me, enfolding me close to his chest.
“I’m sorry we didn’t make love,” I said.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Collins said. “Don’t apologize. It should come naturally, and if now’s not the moment, then it isn’t.”
He kissed the top of my nose, before getting on his cell phone. “Well, looks like I’ll be busy working out a few details for tomorrow’s hearing,” he said. “Why don’t you take a hot shower, and I’ll give you a massage afterwards?”
I smiled. Maybe the night wasn’t completely shot.
Chapter 15
It turned out we didn’t have much time to do anything afterwards. I showered and went to bed. As soon as I hit my pillow, I was out like a light, and didn’t feel Collins join me in bed until much later that night. He seemed preoccupied when I woke up for a little bit, although he was sitting in bed, typing away on his laptop, while massaging my back with another hand.
When I woke up the next morning, Collins was still in the same position, but he had taken a shower and had changed. I laid on my side, admiring his just washed messy hair and beautiful profile. Still in silk pajamas, freshly washed, he looked younger and happier, although a little serious at the moment. His icy blue eyes were intensely on the screen in front of him.
I knew he would have worked in the office in the other room, but somehow he felt he should be here with me on the bed. He was right. I slept peacefully with him nearby, and woke with a happy smile on my face.
My heart warmed thinking about how caring he was throughout our lovemaking yesterday, and how he thought about everything I needed or will ever need for this apartment. I’ve never felt so loved and well-cared for by a man before…a man as desirable as Collins. Even in just pajamas, he was hot. And he smelled so good - masculine, warm and clean at the same time.
With a hint of cinnamon vanilla. I inhaled the delicious scent of him, and said, “Hmm, you smell so good, I can eat you!”
Collins stopped typing, and glanced over at me, his lips turning up into a wry smile. “That must be the cinnamon rolls Barbara is baking for breakfast.”
“She’s here already?” I asked.
“Yes, you should meet her. She’ll be coming in everyday except weekends to cook and clean up.”
“Cook? Collins, I can do that for myself,” I said.
“Since you’ve moved in, you haven’t,” he said. “There’s nothing in the cabinets except peanut butter and jelly, some bread, a box of dry ramen noodles, and a can of tuna. Vincent and I helped stock up your kitchen the first night you moved in, but after that, you haven’t had anything in the refrigerator.
“Collins…”
“No Collins me,” he said. “You need to start caring for yourself, especially remembering to eat. I notice you skip meals once in a while or hardly eat at all. I’m worried about that, Sam.”
“Well, you don’t have to,” I said. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t even have to think about it, Barbara will do the shopping for you and plan the meals. Don’t worry, she’ll work with you in getting what you want.”
“Sounds great,” I said.
Collins grinned. “Think of it this way, Babycakes, it’ll give me more of your time…and judging from how insatiable you and I are with each other, whatever extra time we can get, just to be together, is worth it.”
I sat up and crawled over close to Collins and kissed him. “I love spending time with you, Collins.”
“So you’re not upset I hired someone to cook for you?”
“Are you kidding me?” I asked. “I’m grateful I have such a sweet and thoughtful man as my boyfriend.”
With that, Collins pulled me over so I was sitting on his lap facing him while he kissed me. After pulling away, Collins said, “As much as I’d like to continue all day kissing you, it’s time to get ready. Court hearing today remember?”
“Yes,” I got up, went to the bathroom and got ready, emerging out of my closet in a dark blue sheath dress with matching blazer. I knew it was a bit formal for me, but according to Vincent, who once worked in court, that’s how you dress in court.
*****
We arrived at the Courthouse and met with my mother, who was dressed in a suit. She was dressed appropriately as usual. Despite having a drinking problem, which she claimed she no longer had, she always knew how to dress.
“Thanks for being here,” Mom said, approaching Collins and I.
“My lawyer is flying in,” Collins said. “He should be here this morning.” Collins looked nervously around, and said, “Any minute now.”
“They moved courtrooms,” Mom said, looking at the schedule. “Everyone’s going to be almost late, but let’s get going.”
Collins took a look at the schedule, and for some reason, his face froze for a second. He shook his head, reached into his grey suit pocket, and brought out his phone. “I’ll let Howard, my attorney know about the room change,” he said, and walked off to the side.
“How are you feeling, Mom?” I asked, walking close to her, while Collins is walking behind us, talking on the phone.
“Oh, worried, that’s all,” Mom said. “I know your father would be a good parent to Nydia. He loves her and would take good care of her, but I’m her mother, and…”
I reached over to hug Mom. I know what she meant, despite Mom’s problems with alcohol. Despite that, she was always there for Nydia and me. “Mom, we can’t worry about the past, just the present and the future. We have to be positive about this. Maybe the judge, if she’s nice and have a heart, would grant joint custody instead of sole custody.”
“But I’m…” Mom started to say.
“Mom,” I said. “Look at me. You have to think positive about this. You’re doing everything you can to be a better person. You’re going to a support group for drinking. You’re trying to stop, and you have for a while now, right? That’s what you said last time we talked.”
“But I failed as a mother. It’s on the records,” she said. “I failed to protect you from almost being raped by that psycho boy back home.”
Billy? Mom was referring to Billy?
“It’s not your fault, Mom.”
“His parents attended our church. Your father was counseling their whole family about Billy. We just never knew he was out to get you the entire time.”
“Mom…” my head was reeling. I didn’t want to think about Billy and how long he tormented me in school…so much so that I shut down whenever a boy wanted to touch me. “Mom, let’s not talk about him.”
“But it’s on the record, Sam. Your Dad and I put Billy in jail, in juvenile court, for attempted rape and assault. You didn’t know at the time what happened to him, and we made up a story about him moving away with his family, but after what your father heard through counseling with his family, he thought it was best to put him beh
ind bars.”
My mind woke up. “What did Dad hear?”
“He didn’t know who the girl Billy was talking about, but he was obsessed with a girl he knew, and he said she was a walking orgasm waiting to happen, and he wanted to teach her a lesson for leading him on and…”
“That Son of a Bitch!” I said. “That was all in his sick mind.”
“Baby…Honey,” Mom said. “I’m so sorry. Your father and I should’ve known it was you. We should have protected you from that sick kid. The way he described you, it was a completely different person. We thought he was being teased and led on by a cruel girl in school, one of the pretty popular mean girls who liked to step on boys’ hearts. That wasn’t you at all!”
“Mom…” I was trying so hard not to cry. “You have no idea what he put me through…”
Mom reached over and hugged me. “I’m so so sorry, Sam. I’m not worthy to be your mom, but I’m so damn proud to be.”
Now I had tears in my eyes. “Mom, it’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. But you have to kick this drinking habit. It’s not good for anyone. That’s not to say you can’t have something in moderation, but Mom, you can’t get to the point where you’re drunk and…oh, I better stop. You know what you have to do, Mom. When you get up to tell the judge your side of the story, remember…you’re doing everything you can to be a good responsible parent. You love Nydia, and you’ll do everything to protect her and keep her safe.”
“I love you, too, Sammy Baby,” Mom said, tears streaming down her face.
“Oh no, we can’t be crying, not now, not before the hearing,” I said, taking out tissue paper from my purse and handing it to her.
We were standing in front of the double doors to the Courtroom, but I can see the ladies’ room to the side. Collins was way behind us, still talking on the phone. I took Mom’s arm and led her to the restroom. “Mom, we have to freshen up. No tears, no looking tired or incapacitated. We have to look our best, be positive, and upbeat. We’re going to win this!”
Mom glanced over at me while applying fresh lipstick. “You know what you just sounded like?” she asked.