He couldn’t hold her tight enough to soothe his heart. They couldn’t stay out there, hiding all day. “Would you like to be my date to a charity event tonight?”
“I’d be your date anywhere, Mr. Walsh.”
He hoped that was true, because he didn’t plan to ever let her go.
Chapter Nine
Three months later…
“I’ve gotten five calls in the last twenty-four hours, asking for comments from you about your relationship with Cal.”
Mara rolled her eyes at Michael’s remark. “You’d think one public charity event over three months ago equated sex on the table for the world to see. Sheesh. Don’t they have anything better to talk about yet? Hasn’t anyone gotten a DUI or publicly flipped their shit lately? Come on, Hollywood. You’re failing me.”
“Not a single boob falling out in public either. Pity.”
Mara snorted at Michael’s bland tone. “What do you care about boobs?”
“Not a thing,” Michael said before seeming to reconsider. “Other than they make for fun news.”
“What makes for fun news?” Cal said, returning from the kitchen with a glass of wine for Mara and a bottle of water for himself. Damn, she loved the sight of him relaxed as he was tonight. Loose-fit jeans and cotton long-sleeve shirt. It had a row of four buttons at the collar. He’d left two undone, showing just enough skin to make her want to lick him.
“Boobs,” Michael said, answering Cal’s question and dragging Mara’s mind back on topic.
“What do you care about boobs?” Cal asked, using the exact tone she had moments earlier. Mara and Michael exchanged a glance before bursting into laughter.
“Okay,” Cal said, sounding lost. He handed Mara the wineglass and claimed the empty spot next to her on the couch. Mara’s stomach churned as the smell of wine overcame her. She set the glass aside. Cal eyed her face. “Are you okay? You look a little pale.”
She flashed him a smile. “I’m fine. Just feeling a little off. I think I’ll stick to water tonight.”
Cal passed his unopened water bottle her way and moved as if to stand again. “Do you need anything else?”
Mara stopped him from getting back up. “I’m fine.” She passed the water back to him. “Do you need anything else? I’ll get up this time.” She stood before he could argue. They room spun a little, but she refused to show it. Mara never got sick.
“I’m good,” Cal said, staring at her as if he wasn’t fooled.
She headed for the kitchen before he saw too much.
Michael trailed along on her heels. “Do I need to set up a doctor’s appointment for you?” he asked the moment they were out of earshot.
“I just need some water,” Mara said, flashing him a smile. “And a keeper. I’m such a dumbass. It just occurred to me I haven’t really had anything to drink all day,” she added, turning up a bottle of water, attempting to prove her point.
“I am your keeper,” Michael reminded her. “Now, do I need to set up a doctor’s appointment for you?”
Mara sighed. He wasn’t going to let it go. “Do whatever you want. What’s up with you?” she asked, changing the subject. “You seem sad.”
“I’m not sad, but I am about to head out for the night. Go to sleep,” he ordered, sounding stern. “You look exhausted, which is ridiculous considering you’re not working right now. Stop staying up all night worrying over your man not sleeping, and let the man not sleep. You can’t fall for someone dark and brooding, and then fret when they turn out to be dark and brooding.”
Michael’s description of her current woes was too apt for Mara to keep a straight face. A chuckle escaped her before dying on a sigh. “Come here,” she said, waving Michael closer. “Give me a hug, and don’t tell me you don’t need one, because it’s written all over your face.” A low growl escaped Michael, but he dutifully gave her hug. When his arms came around her, he held on tighter than she expected, proving her point. To her surprise, Mara’s eyes filled with tears. It wasn’t uncommon for her to get emotional, but it was unexpected under the circumstances. Mara didn’t let go. “You’d tell me if you needed me, right?” she asked in a low voice, needing him to know they were friends above all else.
“Of course,” Michael said, pulling away, and Mara knew he lied. It was written in every syllable of his fake tone. “Now go to bed,” Michael ordered again, giving her a stern look before heading for the door. Mara watched him go and worried at her bottom lip. He could protest all he wanted, but Mara knew something was going on with him.
“That’s a good idea.”
Mara’s gaze shot to the doorway of the kitchen. Cal stood with his shoulder leaned against the frame. “What’s a good idea?”
Cal’s mouth turned up in one corner, as if amused by her. “You should go to bed. It’s obvious you’re not feeling well.”
“I feel fine.” It was true. Whatever had been making her head swim earlier had passed. Now Cal had the bedroom on her mind. “If you want me to go to bed, you should make me.” Mara couldn’t keep the taunt from her voice.
Cal didn’t bother arguing. He simply crossed the room and lifted her into his arms. Mara curled up against his chest and stared at his face as he carried her to the bedroom. He had the sexiest jawline. She wanted to kiss it. Mara was so damn warm and happy in Cal’s arms. When he set her on the mattress, she clung to his shirt, refusing to let him get away. His light-blue gaze collided with hers. Mara’s breath caught in the back of her throat at his intensity. Michael had been right earlier. She had fallen for Cal. Sometimes, when he looked at her, as he did now, she knew he felt the same. But the words always froze in her throat before falling from her lips. Mara had already learned the hard way once that—sometimes—what she thought other people felt for her, didn’t really exist at all. How much longer would she get with him until he ripped everything away from her, the way everyone always did?
“You look sad,” Cal said, setting one knee on the mattress and straddling her body. He kept his weight braced on his palms and knees, but there was no way she could move him. Mara was pinned beneath his large frame and piercing stare.
“I’m not,” Mara promised. Maybe a small part of her was, but he wasn’t gone yet. She still had time to savor him. “Kiss me.”
The instant Cal lowered his head and touched his lips to hers, Mara shoved her hands underneath his shirt, going for bare skin. His breath shuddered against her lips as he teased her lips open. Goddamn, his every reaction was addictive. No one else had ever reacted to her touch the way he did—like she moved him. Cal repositioned his body until she cradled him at the apex of her thighs. His erection ground against her through her clothes. He wasn’t soft. Cal’s tongue demanded entry. He licked at the inside of her mouth, making her pant. He rocked against her at the perfect angle. Her panties were soaked. She wanted them gone. Mara wasn’t one to ask permission. She popped the button on Cal’s jeans and pushed them down his hips as far as she could without help. Cal’s mouth moved to her throat. He shoved at her clothes, pushing her shirt higher and her cotton shorts lower. Her back arched as she sought his touch. Cal’s patience seemed to disappear. He tore at her clothes, pulling them from her body with little to no grace. She didn’t care. Mara wanted them gone. She craved what only Cal could give her.
Mara pushed at his chest, forcing him to give her room to set his erection free. She no longer cared that she was nude while he was still almost completely dressed. Mara wanted him inside her, making her feel more than alive. When it came to sex, Cal was never gentle. Mara loved it. She knew it meant she’d stolen the control he held too tightly. She wanted his tongue on her skin. His teeth denting her flesh. She needed to feel like he was hers, and she wasn’t alone in this sickness inside her.
There was no prep work. It wasn’t needed. She was always ready for Cal. He shoved her knee higher and pushed his way inside. Mara held her breath and focused on the way he hit everything at the perfect angle. Everything else disappeared. She was nothing
more than want and need. Cal kissed her so deeply, she could barely breathe. She didn’t need oxygen—only him. Her muscles tightened around his cock, attempting to keep him inside as his dick sawed in and out. He reached between them and toyed with her clit, stealing a moan from her throat. Mara’s hips lifted, trying to get closer—to take everything she craved. Her muscles screamed from being tensed—balanced on the edge of release. She focused on Cal’s touch, reaching for what he offered. Light burst inside her and the pressure broke, sending wave after wave of ecstasy rolling through her.
Mara bit Cal’s bottom lip as she whimpered and he dragged her pleasure out as long as possible. He pulled away and pressed his forehead to hers. Mara stared at his face, marveling at the way he kept his eyes squeezed shut and his lips parted as he pumped inside her, reaching for his own release. The moment his orgasm hit, Cal’s eyes opened and their gazes met. The world stopped for Mara as they’d stared at each other—more connected than any two people in the world. She loved him. That was something that would never die.
Cal rolled to the side, but he didn’t release her. Even as he grabbed a handful of comforter and pulled it over them, Cal didn’t let go. She snuggled as close as she could get and stared at his flushed face. His eyes were closed and he fought to catch his breath. He was beautiful. Mara couldn’t look away. Even as his breaths calmed and then deepened, Mara barely blinked. Soon, she’d let go. There was no other choice. It wouldn’t be long before she’d have to be honest with him. She’d watch his expression close against her, and then he’d be gone. After all, Cal’s “I can’t be fixed” always sounded a lot like “this is temporary” to Mara. At least he was honest. Mara would eventually have to retreat to the solitude she’d had before him.
A whimper came from the back of Cal’s throat—like a broken man. His muscles tensed, and she knew the nightmares had come, as they did every night. Mara did what she always did. She pet him. Starting at his head, she swiped her fingers through his hair, and then soothed her palm down his cheek. She stroked his chest and his arms until his muscles relaxed and the dreams went away, leaving him in peace.
Cal’s mouth lifted in one corner, as if she’d transformed his nightmare into something good. The weight that lived on her chest since meeting Cal increased. She wanted to keep him. He belonged to her. Yet, he never would.
“Mara,” he whispered as his eyes fluttered open.
The words that had been stuck in her throat, choking her, burst from her. “I love you.”
Cal exploded into action, flying from the bed without a backward glance. He straightened his clothes as he went.
Mara watched it happen from her spot on the bed, incapable of moving. “Are you okay?” She had no idea how she managed to squeeze the question past her rapidly swelling throat.
Cal still didn’t look her way. His frame was stiff and unbending. Even from Mara’s position, she could see a muscle jumping in his jaw. “I need to think,” he growled as he headed for the door.
Mara stared at the ceiling and didn’t move. She wouldn’t chase him. Once again, everything was her greedy heart’s fault. He’d told her time and time again he couldn’t be fixed. Every time she’d heard what he meant—don’t get attached. Mara’s heart didn’t work that way. It got invested every time. Her heart craved and ached, demanding everything. Once again, it wanted more than someone else could give. She deserved to be alone.
Cal didn’t return. She’d known he wouldn’t. The alarm panel in her room had lit ten minutes earlier, showing his departure. Still, she didn’t move. He’d ripped the comforter from her body in his escape. She was cold. Mara did nothing to remedy it. Cold and alone was a familiar state. She wrapped the emotions around her like a blanket. Twice now, she’d fallen in love. Both times, everything had shattered in a blink of an eye the moment she exposed her heart. This time was different. Soon, Michael would make that appointment for her. She’d be forced to face the truth. Soon, everything would change. It was best she get reacquainted with cold and alone. Soon, that would be all she had.
Cal was like a toy powered by a string. Mara had pulled his chain with her confession. Now, he couldn’t stop moving. He’d stamped into his shoes, was out the door, and halfway down the road before he drew a breath. His brain wouldn’t work at all. He’d woken from a nightmare with her pressed against him. Her sweet scent and familiar weight comforted him. He’d known before his eyes opened he was safe. She made him feel that way. Then, Mara had said the words he’d been warning her not to feel since they met.
He’d told her several times he couldn’t be fixed. Cal would never be better. Now, he couldn’t think. He’d left. Funny how that fact just now sank in. She’d told him she loved him, and Cal had left. Jesus. He barely stopped himself from punching himself right in the jaw. Of all the dumbass moves he could’ve made, that was the one he’d chosen. He needed to think. That part hadn’t been a lie. Cal needed to turn this over in his mind until he no longer felt the taint of insanity. But leaving, fuck. That had been stupid as hell.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t make himself turn back. Cal’s foot refused to lift from the gas and his fists stayed steadily wrapped around the steering wheel, heading in the opposite direction of everything he wanted most. His heart screamed his home was behind him. Cal ignored that voice. If he went back, then he’d have to embrace the fact that Mara had chosen him—a broken down man with nothing to offer but a tarnished soul. If he turned back, he’d have to accept he loved her too, and that was a dick move. No one deserved that.
Cal kept his gaze locked straight ahead and blocked out his thoughts. He needed to regain control. Rather than heading home, Cal found his Chevy parked in the back lot of The Rabbit Warren, and his feet headed toward the door. His mind shied away from the place. Being here, it felt a lot like cheating. He felt... wrong. Those feelings didn’t stop him from digging out his wallet and swiping his membership card at the door, unlocking it. His guilt didn’t slow his step as he headed for the bar. The man in charge of services caught his eye and headed his way. Cal didn’t flinch or back down.
“Are my play partners here?” Cal asked before he could change his mind. He needed control more than he needed to feel better about himself.
A line appeared between Mark’s eyebrows at Cal’s question. “Did they not tell you? They cancelled their membership. If you’d like, I could find you a different couple.”
Kieran and Henley were through with this place. Cal couldn’t say he was surprised. Something had seemed off the past few times he’d joined them. He stared at Mark, unsure of what to do. Cal needed to know he could control the most basic of instincts. He needed to pass this test again, as he had countless times with Kieran. But the truth was, he’d never been in any real danger of failing with Henley and Kieran, because they’d never let him join, even if his control had snapped. They weren’t a threat to his heart. The pair had been a release without the consequences or touching. No one else could give him that, and only one person touched him.
“No, thank you,” Cal said, amazed at how calm he sounded. Without another word, he turned away. He would cancel his membership as well. There was nothing left for him here. In truth, there was nothing left for him anywhere. He’d left his shattered mind back in a dark cave in the desert. His heart belonged to Mara. The rest of him walked around dead and without purpose. Cal had no idea where to go from here.
Never in a million years—if she’d ever thought about it—would Mara have thought Kieran would be the person she ran to in her time of need. Yet here she was, driving to his house. A chuckle kept rising in her throat. Mara couldn’t decide if it was due to finding humor in her situation or if it was a hysterical one. She made her way past the gate and circled the house to park. Mara forced her mind blank. Overthinking things had led her here to begin with. Now it was time for her comeuppance.
To her surprise, Kieran’s younger brother, Gannon, answered the door. Seeing him made her smile. Looking at him made everyone smile. He was yo
ung, gorgeous, and sweet. His messy brown hair and cute blue eyes damn near made her blush. No man should be as pretty.
“Hey, Gannon. I didn’t know you were visiting.” She accepted his hug, still trying to find a way to apologize. “I guess I should’ve called first.”
“Don’t worry over it,” Gannon said, giving her a light squeeze before releasing her. “This place is still like a second home to me. I’m here a lot, which you’d know if you visited more often,” he said, sounding like his brother.
Mara flashed him an apologetic smile. “Sorry about that. Things have been insane. Is Kieran around?” She hoped she wasn’t making Gannon feel brushed off, but she was scared she’d lose her nerve if she waited too long to talk to Kieran.
Gannon motioned toward a set of closed double doors off the living room. “He’s in his office. I’d knock first since Henley is home, and you know...”
“Do you mean I know he’s a dirty boy?” Mara snorted out a horrified laugh as the question floated from her mouth. She was so damn nervous she wasn’t guarding her tongue.
Gannon’s eyes flashed with humor. “That’s exactly what I meant, so knock. It was good seeing you again,” Gannon said, heading out the door and leaving her alone.
Mara spent a moment eyeing Kieran’s expensive furnishings. He’d inherited this house. The man came from generations of money and old money bled from his pores. It only took one glance at the man’s home to see it. If she’d never met the man, his antiques and polished wood would tell Kieran’s story. Not all of it, though. Not the parts that made his heart golden. That was why she’d come here first and why she wouldn’t give in to the temptation to race from the house. Instead, she put one foot in front of the other until her knuckles skimmed the wooden door of his office.
“Come.”
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