Regrets Only (Sequel to The Marriage Pact)

by Pullen, M. J.

  She gave him a tired smile. “Maybe some other time,” she said.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” Officer Daniels said gently from the doorway. “Suzanne, your parents are here. The ambulance is on its way, and they can ride with you if you want.”

  “Oh, God, Bonita, do I have to go in an ambulance? I’m fine, physically at least.”

  “Well, that’s protocol, but let me see if I can take you in the squad car.”

  Bonita stepped back into the hallway and radioed back and forth with someone while Suzanne’s parents, looking overwhelmed, went to their daughter. Her mother was blonde and pretty, an older version of Suzanne, and her dad was the well-fed pasty type, seemingly too young for the cane he carried.

  Suzanne hugged her mother tightly while her father hung back awkwardly. He seemed unsure whether to talk to Jake and Marci, or to wait to hug his daughter. Dylan felt like a stranger at a family dinner. After a few moments, his shame and discomfort became unbearable. When Bonita returned to say that the ambulance had already arrived and it might be best if Suzanne simply rode in it, he took the opportunity to duck out quietly.

  Chapter 22

  On the Thursday before Memorial Day, nearly three weeks after the attack, Suzanne set out for the cabin in Tennessee with even more discomfort than she’d felt when she left it last time. Traffic was a mess getting out of the city, as everyone else seemed to have the same idea she did of starting the holiday weekend early. The afternoon heat was stifling and the I-75/I-85 Downtown Connector was a parking lot.

  She fidgeted in her seat while she waited for the cars to move and practiced her deep breathing exercises, trying not to panic. She’d been seeing a therapist twice a week since the attack, which seemed to be helping her regulate her feelings, but she was still sensitive to feeling hemmed in. Mercifully, the traffic began to move after about twenty minutes and soon she was barreling up the highway toward the Smokies.

  Kate had offered, of course, for Suzanne to back out of the job, with full pay, after what happened. But Suzanne knew there was no way she could hand off the wedding now, especially knowing that anyone who could be found on short notice for a holiday weekend would be likely to take advantage of Kate. More than that, Suzanne was tired of hiding. Now that she knew who Penny and Gunnar were, it was easier to direct her anger at them, and she refused to let them steal one more minute of her life.

  Until the incident at the High, she had never failed to finish an event, and she did not intend to let that become a pattern. Neither Penny and Gunnar, nor her feelings about Dylan, were going to prevent her keeping her promise to Kate.

  She had barely spoken to Dylan since the attack. He’d called a couple of times to check in on her the first week, while she was staying with her parents until she could force herself to go back to the condo, but she let it roll to voicemail. The third time, she had answered, and their conversation had been short and stilted. He asked how she was, she assured him she was fine, and then they sat in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds before Suzanne insisted that she needed to go. So many emotions tumbled inside her: anger, gratitude, attraction, betrayal and…something deeper that she did not at all want to acknowledge. She couldn’t process all of it. He seemed to get the message, or maybe he felt something similar, because he hadn’t called back.

  William, however, had called again, that same week. When she heard his voice, she realized she’d completely forgotten the message he left right before the attack. She decided to simply explain what had happened. Their first “date” was actually a long walk around her parents’ neighborhood during which she told the whole story and cried, and William held her hand as though no time had passed since they were together.

  Suzanne had apologized for his humiliation ten years before, and he waved it away. “It’s in the past,” he said with a smile. “Even my parents are getting over it. Besides, it’s nothing compared to what you just went through.” They’d been out a few times since then and he had graciously agreed to come up the next day to be her date to the wedding weekend. Crossing the border into Tennessee Thursday evening, she still wasn’t sure this had been the wisest choice. But Marci and Jake had plans for the weekend and Suzanne didn’t think she could handle it alone.

  #

  Friday morning, Suzanne wandered into Kate’s bedroom at the cabin to bring her a tray of snacks, and found the bride in tears. Thinking it was hormones or pre-wedding jitters, Suzanne sat on the bed next to her and waited for her to talk. When it seemed all Kate could do was cry, Suzanne prompted gently, “Anything I can do?”

  “You can send everyone home!” Kate said wildly. Unlike some of Dylan’s other sisters, Kate was not prone to baseless dramatics, so Suzanne began to worry.

  “Honey, what’s wrong?”

  “Everything. Jeff is playing golf.”

  “And we don’t want him to play golf?”

  “I told him if he went to play golf he shouldn’t bother coming back because the wedding was off!” Kate hesitated, and then went on, embarrassed. “We had a huge fight. I had asked him to stay nearby today, in case I needed him. Then he informed me this morning he was going to play golf, by text message. The coward.”

  “Ah,” Suzanne said. She had actually overheard Dylan and his two brothers-in-law convincing Jeff the night before that he should go play golf with them that day. They reasoned that keeping himself out of the way would really be a gift to his bride, and it was his last chance to play golf without needing permission from his wife. Jeff had resisted, but they had teased him mercilessly about his manhood and being “whipped” until he gave in. Suzanne suspected that the primary reason they actually had in mind was that taking the groom to the golf course before the wedding made it easier to get permission from their wives. But she stayed out of it.

  She decided to take a practical approach with Kate. “Do you need him now? Is there something I can do?”

  “No,” Kate admitted tearfully. “But I just can’t believe he would go play golf after I asked him not to. He didn’t even ask—not that he needs my permission, of course; I know that’d make me sound like a controlling bitch.”

  “No, it doesn’t,” Suzanne said.

  “It’s just so unlike Jeff to disregard my feelings like that, or at least I thought it was unlike him. But lately it seems like we’ve been fighting a lot.”

  “Fighting?”

  “Well, not knock-down drag-outs or anything,” Kate said. “Oh, you don’t want to hear all this. Not after everything…everything you went through.”

  “Of course I do,” Suzanne said, pressing Kate’s hand gently. “This matters, too.”

  “Well, we’ve been talking a lot about the wedding and the, the baby.” She reddened on the word baby. “I have wanted to tell our families about it. I just think it would be easier if everyone knew. I’m three months along now and I have so many questions. I want to be able to talk to my mom and my sisters who have kids, and to tell Dylan.”

  “They don’t know?” Suzanne asked, incredulous. She had spotted it almost immediately a month ago; she found it hard to believe that Kate had successfully hidden this information from the people who knew her best.

  But Kate shook her head. “Everyone’s been really busy and distracted; we told them I had mono. I think they believed us.”

  Suzanne had her doubts, especially about the formidable Mrs. Burke, but she stayed silent. “Anyway,” Kate went on, “I didn’t want a bunch of questions this weekend about why I’m not drinking or when we’re going to have kids, and I just feel better when my family knows what’s going on. We’re close like that, you know? Especially Dylan and me and our parents.”

  “Jeff doesn’t want to tell anyone?”

  “His father is a Baptist minister,” she explained. “His parents are really conservative.”

  “And he doesn’t think they’ll do the math when you have a baby six months after your wedding day?”

  “That’s what I said!” Kate agreed. “But he said they
’ll be really upset when they first find out, and he’s worried that their disappointment will ruin our wedding. They still think he’s a virgin.”

  Suzanne snorted loudly. Jeff was certainly one of the more wholesome members of the Dylan Burke entourage, but a good-looking music promoter in his late twenties with access to all those girls just dying to meet someone famous? A virgin? Inconceivable.

  Kate looked surprised for a second and then giggled. “I guess it is kind of silly, isn’t it?”

  Suzanne searched for something diplomatic to say. “Well, I guess it’s nice that they have so much confidence in him, and that he wants them to be happy.”

  “Actually, he says he doesn’t care what they think, really, but it’s just that they can be kind of harsh and dramatic with their opinions sometimes. He says he doesn’t want me to look back on my wedding day and remember that his mom called me a harlot or that his parents refused to pose for pictures.”

  “Surely they wouldn’t?”

  “I don’t think so. I think maybe Jeff doesn’t give them enough credit sometimes. Anyway, that’s what we’ve been fighting about. Well, that and my sisters…”

  “Amber and Sherrie?”

  Kate nodded. “The crazy two. They’re my mom’s daughters, and before she met my dad her life was…a little unpredictable. I love them, but…”

  Suzanne smiled. She could only imagine how soft-spoken Kate, so much like her dad, must react to that pair. Suzanne had once seen a picture of the two of them on the front page of some tabloid magazine, both blitzed out of their minds, wearing tiny denim shorts and halter tops and drinking something fruity from yard-long beakers. They were on stage somewhere, dancing around a stripper pole that was probably serving as much to hold them up as it was a prop. Suzanne had never forgotten the headline: “Keeping Up with the White Trashians.”

  Kate seemed to know that Suzanne would fill in the blanks, because she went on. “Jeff didn’t want them here this weekend at first. He said they’re an embarrassment to the family. But Dylan talked to him and he changed his mind. Still, he barely talks to them. I know what everyone thinks of them, but they’re still my sisters. And I’m kind of pissed because Dylan had to talk him into letting them come to our wedding. Why didn’t he listen to me? I’m starting to wonder what it’s going to be like raising a baby with someone who doesn’t respect my opinions.”

  The old Suzanne would’ve said: Screw the wedding and run like hell. Obviously this guy is never going to treat you like an equal. But she paused; something told her maybe it wasn’t that simple.

  “Is it normal for Jeff to disregard your opinions like this? Is that how he’s always been?”

  “No,” Kate cried. “That’s what’s so frustrating! I’ve always felt that we understood each other so deeply, and now I feel like he’s so focused on what everyone else thinks.”

  Suzanne mulled this over for a minute. “Well, it’s your choice. You never have to marry anyone you don’t want to marry. And while it is a big decision in terms of this baby,” she gestured toward Kate’s belly, “one thing I know for sure is that you can’t let the wedding make your decision about the marriage. If you think you’ve made a mistake, don’t let the people and the catering and the embarrassment bully you.”

  Kate looked at her, wide-eyed, and nodded slowly. “That said,” Suzanne went on, “Jeff seems like a really good guy most of the time, and no one is perfect. From what I’ve seen, he is absolutely crazy about you. And I just know he’s excited about this baby.”

  “He really is,” Kate said, her entire expression softening with affection. “He’s going to be a great dad.”

  Already Suzanne could tell what Kate really wanted to do. The task now was to help it go more smoothly.

  “I think…” she said, giving words to a thought that had been forming since she started making her list of rejected men. “I think it’s hard being a guy sometimes. Especially a guy who loves a smart, strong woman like you. People tell them they’re supposed to be manly, to wear the pants, to not let their wives and girlfriends drive the relationship. But things are different now and we women have so many more choices. That’s wonderful, but it makes it difficult sometimes for guys to know where they fit into our lives. Their hearts can break just as easily as ours can, but they’re not allowed to show it. They want to protect us, and sometimes they can’t even protect themselves.”

  “I never thought about it that way,” Kate said.

  “Me either,” Suzanne said, smiling. “Not until recently.”

  Kate started to say something, but stopped; so Suzanne continued.

  “Maybe what Jeff needs is a chance to show you that he can protect you and do the best thing for your relationship, without ignoring your feelings. Maybe he just needs a little nudge in the right direction, and for you to be honest with him about what you need. Then let him figure out how to give it to you.”

  Kate thought this over for a minute. “Honestly? I thought him playing golf was a great idea, once I realized I didn’t really need him here. I just wanted my opinion about it to matter to him. It’s the same with the baby.”

  “Easy enough,” Suzanne said. “He can fix that. So that’s what you tell him.”

  “But I was so mean to him. I can’t ask him to come back now. I’ll look like an idiot.”

  “Tell you what—it’s your wedding weekend and I’m a full-service event planner. I’ll go talk to him and get him to come see you. Just this once, though. Next time you’re on your own. He’s going to be your husband. You’d better learn how to start these conversations.”

  Kate smiled sheepishly. “Thanks, Suzanne.” She added more softly, “I can see why Dylan is so fond of you.”

  Now it was Suzanne’s turn to blush. “Well, that’s what wedding planners are for.”

  #

  She found the guys, not on the golf course a few miles from the house, but at a bar on the green called the 19th Hole. They were in a corner booth with a pitcher of dark beer and an empty one next to it. Carla’s husband Guillermo was talking animatedly about something, gesturing wildly and grinning. Dylan and his other brother-in-law Spencer were listening with amused attention. Jeff, who was in the corner hardest to see from the door, appeared to be glumly leaning over his beer glass.

  Suzanne took a deep breath before walking over. It pained her a little just to see him there. Still, she had a great affection for Kate and knew Kate loved Jeff, so she would have to get past her own feelings.

  “Hello, boys,” she said, pulling up a chair and sitting backwards in it—a gesture that was at once flirtatious and non-negotiable. Guillermo and Dylan both looked shocked to see her, while Spencer and Jeff each gave her a polite smile. “How did everyone shoot today?”

  They each reacted according to their performance, bragging or making excuses, muttering about how little time they had to play or that they were just lucky enough to beat the pants off someone else. How cute, she thought, you think I am really here to ask about your golf game. But she smiled appreciatively and talked golf with them for a few minutes. Golf was another game she’d learned from her father, and though she seldom played for pleasure now, the basic skills had served her well in meetings over the years.

  When the chatter slowed, she got down to business. “How are you, Jeff? You don’t look like a guy who just shot two over par on a tough course.”

  He stared at the table and the other three made incomprehensible gestures, as though she’d just announced that she had brought his test results from the STD clinic and was about to read them aloud. She continued. “You know, driving over here, I was just thinking how nice it would be for you, marrying into a big family like this one—you already have three brothers-in-law built in to give you good marriage advice.”

  Dylan, who had been avoiding her gaze, smirked at the ceiling. Despite her anger and hurt, his approval of her comment was energizing. Guillermo and Spencer, meanwhile, looked appropriately shame-faced and uncomfortable. That’s right, you
little bastards. Squirm.

  Jeff spoke next. “You’ve talked to Kate?”

  She nodded.

  “Is she…is she okay?” he asked.

  “I think she will be,” Suzanne said brightly, “once she talks to you again.”

  “Oh, God. Suzanne, I screwed up. I feel so bad. I’ve never seen her so pissed off.”

  Dylan’s face clouded. Clearly, Jeff had not relayed the fight to the rest of the guys. “What happened, dude?”

  “Nothing big,” Jeff said quickly. “I mean, I don’t think it is. I was just…kind of a jerk. I’ve had a lot on my mind with the wedding and the b—” he stopped himself and corrected, “the band.”

  Dylan eyed him suspiciously but Jeff looked at Suzanne. “Do you think she’ll talk to me? Do you think I can make it right?”

  “I think she’ll talk to you,” Suzanne said. “I mean, she did agree to marry you and all.”

  “How do I make it up to her? What do I say?”

  “I have to admit, I don’t have a lot of experience with being in love,” said Suzanne, trying hard not to look at Dylan in her peripheral vision. “But I think women often appreciate grand romantic gestures at times like this. Meaningful grand romantic gestures.”

  Jeff considered this, and then swallowed the last of his beer. “Can you give me a ride back?”

  #

  Shortly after she pulled up to the house and let Jeff out of her car, her phone buzzed. “Hi there,” said William. “I’m afraid I’m going to be late. I had a case that I thought would be over in fifteen minutes this morning, but it’s still going on. I’m so sorry.” It was 3:15, according to the clock in her car. Her heart sank. She had hoped he would be here to keep her company during the rehearsal dinner, and there was no way he would make it up in time.

  “Are you going to come up afterward?” she asked.

  “Well, it’s up to you. I know I’ll miss dinner tonight, but I could come anyway or I can leave at the crack of dawn and be there to help out all day tomorrow.”