“Captain Sterling.” His body twitched slightly at the greeting, up until now I’d called him Captain or Michael, friendlier too.
“Joshua, can I talk to you for a minute?”
My family was all in the front hall watching this interaction.
“Captain is my son in some sort of trouble?”
“No, no, no Dr. Steele, it’s something of a personal matter, nothing to worry about I promise.”
“Okay then, why don’t you go on back to my study Joshua will show you the way. Son, I’m here.”
“I’m good dad.”
I led the way to my father’s study with the Captain on my heels.
“What can I do for you Captain?”
“What did you do to my daughter?”
“Who would that be?”
“Who.....Carissa of course.” He looked perplexed.
“I know no one by that name.”
“You..., what the hell is going on, is this about Thanksgiving? She just wanted to go see her mother for the holiday.” He looked confused as hell.
Looks like he really believed that shit too.
“Captain Sterling I’m sorry you came all the way out here for nothing, I can’t help you.”
“Do you know I went back in my mind to the last time I saw my child eat and it’s been over a few weeks, have you seen her? She looks like hell; the girl’s lost almost fifteen pounds in two weeks, what the hell happened between you two?”
I didn’t answer; I’d said all I was going to to him.
He stayed there for another five minutes waiting me out, but nothing.
“Damn son, where did you learn to be that cold? Maybe it’s good that you’re no longer in her life, she’s had enough bullshit to deal with already.”
He left after that pithy remark; I guess that was supposed to make me feel bad. It didn’t.
She fucked up, she had a play and she made the wrong move, if I’d been too hard on her I would’ve known, I know her limits even better than she does, this wasn’t about me whipping and fucking her in the fucking woods, this was about her power plays, her need to control everything out of fear, her need to prove that she’s tough.
She learned some fucked up shit from her life with her mother, there’s no trust in her, no balance. She runs away from life when she should stand up and fight, but she sees it as her being tough.
She thinks I’m possessive and controlling, yes the fuck I am so the fuck what. I’m not gonna change that shit, I like who I am, Carissa’s problem is that she hates herself and she doesn’t even know it.
She knew the rules I never lied to her, I’d told her time and again, If she keeps fucking up she’d bear the consequences, that’s who I am, apparently she can’t deal with who I am so.......so be it.
At lunch the next day I went to the room I’d been sneaking off to every afternoon now, the music room. I sat down at the piano and started to play, it’s a song I’d started for Carrie why the fuck I was playing that shit now was beyond me.
I’m not a fool, I know myself, I know there’s no way in hell that I’ll ever let her go, but I won’t play her game.
It wasn’t so much the fact that she went to see her mother that pissed me off, yes that was part of it, but that I could’ve dealt with, it was the way she did that shit.
To have me leave her bed expecting one thing only to be blindsided by another was too fucked up for words, and when I dug into her computer and found out that she’d had the tickets since the day after our little skirmish...no words.
She’d smiled in my fucking face; let me into her body and all the while she knew she would do this.
There’s no amount of spanking in the world to bring her as low as she brought me.
Chapter 24
Carrie
I’m lost, I know it, I can feel it, but I can’t seem to bring myself back. My dad’s been acting a little strange like watching me while I eat which is barely anything and hardly ever.
I just walk through my days now, not really paying attention to what’s going on around me, my teachers have started to grumble about missed assignments, I have to be more focused.
Today I almost left the house in my pajamas, my hair was a mess, had I not taken a look in the rear view mirror I would’ve been mortified.
I’m at my locker and this jerk off Rodney Dyson is making an ass of himself.
“So since Steele doesn’t want you anymore does that mean I can hit it? I don’t mind sloppy seconds but could we do it sometime soon because you’re beginning to look like shit.”
There was a lot of laughter following that remark.
I just stood there, not because I was afraid of him or his words, but because I just didn’t care.
He walked back over to me egged on by his friends.
“So what do you say Carrie, you’re not so high and mighty now are you, not since the Steeles ditched your ass, so how about we go behind the bleachers and fuck?”
Joshua came out of nowhere and grabbed Rodney by his throat, picking him up he slammed him into the lockers. Without one word he just stared into his eyes until Rodney was kicking his legs and trying to pull Joshua’s hand away while fighting for breath.
With a flick of his wrist he threw Rodney to the floor and walked away.
Not...one...word. Fuck he really is one fuck hot crazy ass motherfucker.
Vanessa came over to me and put her arms around me, but something inside me had snapped.
Shrugging her hand away I went back out the doors and headed for my truck.
I spent the whole day out on the cliffs at Dormer’s Beach just thinking, trying to put things into perspective.
I started at the beginning, no, not mine and Joshua’s, but mine and my parents. Especially Michael, we’d had a fine relationship before the divorce that I remember kinda, then one day he was just not there and I was in a new place with Paula as my sole provider.
I had to learn real quick how to fend for myself, how to dodge the octopus like hands of the different men she brought home. How to move from place to place when she ran out of money.
I watched her use and be used by everyone in her life.
I remember being left alone. A lot.
I remember needing to be held and getting a yelling at or a beating for being a whiny brat instead.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I recalled my horrible childhood. I saw myself as I was now, always expecting the worst, always having to be in control, always having to prove myself.
It made me tired.
I tried to shy away from thoughts of Joshua but that was too hard, I missed him so much it hurt.
I rewound our time together in my head and my heart as the waves crashed against the rocks below.
Josh
I’m going to pound the ever living shit out of Rodney Dyson’s ass as soon as he comes through those doors. Fucking douche put his hands on what’s mine.
I knew when I turned the corner and saw the crowd gathered there that she was somehow involved and when I’d heard the shit he was saying to her....let’s just say that if Matt hadn’t pulled me back I would’ve really hurt the fuck.
He’s lucky I was cooled down by the time I got my fucking hands on him. And why the fuck was she just standing there taking that shit anyway?
Where was the foul mouthed bad ass that was always ready to tear me a new one?
“Josh let’s go.”
“No.”
“Come on lil bro, he’s not worth it.”
“Did you see her face, see looked fucking broken.”
“I’m sorry to tell you this bro but Dyson didn’t do that to her.”
I looked at him; I knew what he was saying.
“I don’t know what happened between you two, you never said but I know it had to be bad, I’m your big brother, I’m with you all the way, but bro, if you feel for this girl what I know you do, you gotta end this shit. Dyson’s just the first of many have you thought of that, have you thought of her moving on and be
ing with some other guy.....?”
I had him by the front of his shirt ready to pound the shit out of him before I knew what I was doing.
“See what I mean, what the fuck do you think’s gonna happen if you let this go on, did you see her bro, have you taken a look at her lately, no? You’re too busy hiding away from her to punish her for what I don’t know, but bro, I always expected better of you. This is not the man I thought you would be.”
He turned and walked away and got into his car. That bitch Patti was smirking at me. She’s been very happy lately with Carrie out of the picture.
That burned my ass too. I saw Dyson come out the door with his posse and walked toward them, separating him from his boys with a hand in his chest, I pushed him back against the wall.
“You ever go near what’s mine again, you’ll disappear.”
I left him there and got into my car, Matthew was right he wasn’t worth it.
I had a lot to think about, I’m not a total asshole, well not all the time, but I had seen her today for the first time since she’d been back, I mean really looked at her and my baby was almost emaciated. That wasn’t one of the consequences I had in mind.
Fuck what the fuck did she want from me?
Someone was here, I could feel it the moment they entered the room.
“How the fuck did you get in here?”
The shadow moved but said nothing, the hairs on my body stood on alert so I knew instinctively who my visitor was but did not let on.
“I came to take back what’s mine.”
Chapter 25
Josh
I didn’t say anything at first, my heart raced in my chest, I was still mad and yes a little hurt, but I couldn’t turn love away like that, not anymore.
After my soul searching I’d made some decisions.
“Can you........”
There was a thud and I was off the bed in a flash.
“Carrie......”
I picked her up and started running, fucking shit she was light as a fucking feather what the fuck had she done to herself?
I ran all the way to my parent’s wing of the house and barely felt her in my arms.
“Dad.”
He came out of the room tying his robe around his waist.
“Joshua, what’s going on...is that Carrie?”
“Help her, help us please.....”
“Give her to me son...shit, what the hell happened to her?”
“Her father said she hasn’t been eating.”
“For how long?”
He moved quickly towards the stairs.
“More than two weeks.”
“What?”
The others must’ve heard the commotion because they all came running.
“How did she get here?”
“She drove half way but then her truck broke down and she walked the rest of the way....I’m sorry Joshua but I had to let her in.” Vanessa was wringing her hands and crying.
“It’s okay sis, I’m not mad at you.”
“We have to get her to the hospital, she needs a drip stat.”
I followed him out the door as he headed for his car with the others behind us in their pajamas.
I held her in my lap in the backseat, looking at her for the first time.
Her eyes were sunken pools in her head; her cheek bones were so prominent there was hardly any flesh there.
I was afraid to lift her shirt to see beneath, I could feel through the thin shirt she wore that she was just a shadow of the girl she’d been a month ago.
Her breathing was sporadic and labored.
I couldn’t think, why couldn’t I think.
“Dad?” My voice sounded foreign even to my ears.
“We’re almost there son hold on, she’s going to be okay, you just hold on.”
I held on long enough to make it to the hospital, to watch them work on her. Thank God she’d only fainted.
Dad saw to it that she was hooked up to an IV and settled in a private room.
Somewhere around the time mom was calling the Captain I was no longer there. I could feel myself breathing; I could hear the hustle and bustle of movement around me but I couldn’t feel, couldn’t move.
“Joshua, Joshua, son can you hear me?”
“What’s wrong with him, dad?”
“Wait a minute Matt......”
“Get a room ready for my son....now.”
“You kids start talking....now, what the hell is going on with these two, I know my son would never take drugs so what the hell is this? He’s fucking catatonic.”
I could hear all of this but couldn’t respond, why couldn’t I respond?
“They broke up dad, or had a falling out.”
“And.....”
“That’s really all we know dad, Vanessa and I tried getting Joshua to talk about it but you know how he is, he shut down. Just stopped even mentioning her name, it was like she never existed or something, you know he gets like that dad, we tried to bring him around but....”
“And Carrie, why didn’t either of you notice that she was wasting away, all this time your mother and I thought that Joshua was spending more time at her house with her dad, you mean to tell me that he was home all that time?”
“Yeah, he stayed in his rooms.....”
“You still haven’t told me why you or your sister didn’t notice that she was sick.”
“Because we weren’t talking to her either, I mean I saw her, after a while I noticed the weight loss, I even mentioned it to Joshua but I had no idea it would be this bad, I mean Patti goes for days without eating and nothing like this has ever happened.”
“That’s because Patti is a .......”
“Margaret....”
“So let me get this straight, Joshua broke up with her and you guys went into family mode and cut her off too, but you missed a step there.....she’s family too, you fucked up, all of you.”
“Dad....”
“No Matt, how many girls have your brother brought home?”
“One.”
“What does that say to you, how did he introduce Carrie to us, before we even met her, what did he say to us?”
“He said he’d met his mate.”
“You know your brother, you know if he said that he meant it, it doesn’t matter that something happened to come between them for a moment, you know how he is...she’s family and you fucked up.”
“I know dad and I tried to talk to him, we both did...Nessa stop crying.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been this disappointed in you lot before.”
They left the room and it went silent.
No come back, take me to Carrie, please.....
I felt the wetness of tears on my cheeks as I tried to hold a thought. I was dead inside, that’s it, I’d died but was still breathing.
Sometime later I heard voices in the hall outside my door.
“I don’t care that he’s sick, he almost killed her and for what, because she went to spend thanksgiving with her mother?”
“I don’t have all the facts Captain but I’m pretty sure there’s more to it than that, has to be. One thing I can tell you, if these two kids react this way to being apart I think it would be homicidal to keep them from each other.” Thanks dad.
“She keeps asking for him, but how can I trust him?”
“You don’t worry about that Captain, I’ll deal with him.”
“Damn kids, whatever happened to carefree teenage years?”
“Captain the world is a changed place, let’s go grab some awful hospital swill and calm down, I think we could both use it, those kids scared five years off my damn life.”
“Margaret’s with her so I guess that would be okay.”
They walked away.
I must’ve fallen asleep because when I woke up I was me again. I had no idea how much time had passed and didn’t care.
I made my way down the hall looking for her room.
She was like a magnet drawing me to he
r.
She was asleep when I reached her room; mom and Vanessa were there with her.
“Joshua....”
“Son.....”
They both ran crying to hug me.
“I’m fine.....” I kissed both their heads.
“How is she?”
“The doctor says she’s just slightly malnourished but we got her just in time, a few more days and her organs could’ve started to shut down. I don’t know what happened between you two, but my son would never let such a thing happen.”
“I didn’t know mom.....”
“Shame on you, listen Joshua I’ve always pretty much let you go your own way, your brain scares me, all that intelligence in one so young, but I didn’t realize I had neglected to teach you the social graces.....you never break the ones you love, you might bend them a little, but you never break them....that is a broken girl in that bed.”
I felt sick. What had I done, was it really worth it, did I prove my point.....I’d say so, but not just to her, I’d proven something to myself as well.
“Can you two leave us alone for a while?”
“Son....”
“It’s alright mom, it’s going to be alright.”
She’d come to me, I have to remember that, before all this happened, she’d come to me, to take back what’s hers she’d said. I held on to that.
That’s right, I was as much hers as she was mine. I’d forsaken mine, almost destroyed it.
They left and I approached the bed.
She was so pale and small; I felt my gut twist in agony as I looked at what I had inadvertently brought about.
I’d read her diaries, I knew what her life had been, had Paula ever betrayed her like I did, was I now the new monster in her world?
No I couldn’t think like that, she’d come to me, she hadn’t given up on us.
I’d missed a few steps though, my dominant nature had not only over shadowed her, it had almost crushed her.
I climbed onto the narrow hospital bed with her and carefully drew her onto my chest.
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