I barely held in my tears as I walked to the guest room. Then I bawled. It felt good somehow, almost hopeful. The tears felt like they were welcoming the new rather than clearing out the old.
We started this morning in a lighter mood—pancakes and belated Christmas gifts. A box from Alex was first. He sent Mrs. Muir beautiful linen stationery; the professor, a gorgeous edition of The Old Man and the Sea; and me, a beautiful deep green scarf and winter hat. I can’t believe he remembered me. Should I have sent a gift to him? Too late now. I penned him a note, and Mrs. Muir will include it with her letter.
I also exchanged some texts with him a few days after Christmas. It was right during my work with Kyle. I still have them on my phone. I couldn’t delete them.
Alex: Merry Christmas. Mom M & Pops had it right to go to FL. NY freezing. Chicago?
I replied: Brrrrr . . . Keeping warm with work.
Alex: Going well?
Me: No. Got 1 chance to make it good.
Alex: ??????
Me: Can’t. Like your p. 187. But if I get through this, I’ll be OK.
Alex: Thoughts and prayers with you. :) Keep me posted.
I was touched, Mr. Knightley. I didn’t tell him anything, yet I felt he understood. Is that possible? Maybe he doesn’t understand or even care, but I like to believe he does. The gifts suggest he might, right? Not like a boyfriend, but like a real friend.
So there is my Christmas. School resumes in three days, and I’ll go back to my apartment tomorrow. The professor sits next to me reading the book Alex sent him, and Mrs. Muir is writing letters. This feels nice.
That said, this whole experience has been too exhausting for me to want to repeat it. Kyle said he slept for three days straight, and I believe him. But I wouldn’t trade all this either. Through it, I found a new character. Me. She’s bold and fairly feisty, with serious timidity issues at times. Every step she takes forward, she glances back and even retreats. But she’s got courage. I think she’ll make it. I don’t know when she’ll be free to run—figuratively, that is. Physically she runs plenty, and that’s where she gets her courage. I hope to like this new character.
I hope Josh does too. He came by my apartment when he got back from Cincinnati and brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. He’s on a business trip now. We talk every night, and it’s going well. I feel like he is more accepting of me. Or perhaps I am simply more honest with him. Either way, it’s good. I’m going downtown Friday for dinner with him and his friends, and I think that I should stay at his place. He keeps asking, and I don’t know why I don’t.
Mrs. Muir asked me to bring him up here for dinner sometime, but Josh says it’s too far and that he’s already met the Conleys. No big deal, I guess, but I’d like him to meet the Muirs. They’re important to me. Do you think Alex would mind if I considered them surrogate parents too?
All the best,
Sam
P.S. Is it odd that I keep asking you questions? On some level, I believe you’ll write back and answer them. I know I said I rely on this one-way relationship, but should I put that away? I’m trying to stand on my own. Should this be a part of that? Would you consider writing?
JANUARY 9
Dear Samantha,
Please consider carefully. You have lauded our “soul-purging-one-sided-relationship” many times. If I reply to your letters, that will change. Everything will change. The decision is yours.
Sincerely,
G. Knightley
JANUARY 13
Dear Mr. Knightley,
What’s wrong with me?
I paced this apartment for two hours and I have no answers. No sleep and no answers. I planned to stay downtown tonight. I did. I told Josh as soon as I met him at the restaurant. I convinced myself it was right.
“That’s perfect, sweetheart. It’s about time.” He leaned over and gently kissed me, lingering too long with all his friends watching, but they do that too—so I guess it’s not a big deal.
The evening went great. Josh spent most of the night with his arm around my chair, acting more affectionate than I’ve ever seen him. It was wonderful. I’ve worried about telling him my past, but I felt so loved all night that the worries dissolved. It couldn’t have been a better evening.
Then Josh’s friend Logan stepped in. There’s a nastiness about him that repels me. I think if Logan ever decided to go after someone, there would be no end to his depravity. He may actually be a Dorian Gray. While looking over the dessert menu, Logan made a big show of yawning and checking his watch—a slick gold and silver thing he’s inordinately obsessed with.
“How’d it get so late? Sam, you’d better head to the Metra or catch a cab. Josh, I know you get tired of always walking her, but a lady shouldn’t go alone. I’ll stretch my legs and provide a proper escort. Ready, Sam?” He stood up and leaned over the girl next to him. “Lucy, be a love and keep Josh company.”
Josh’s arm tightened around my shoulder. “Sam’s staying with me tonight.”
“Is she?” Logan sat and let the question linger until he’d gotten everyone’s attention. He draped his arm across Lucy’s shoulders, squeezing gently. “This is a big night. Perhaps we shouldn’t have dessert. Wouldn’t want to get too full.” He stared straight at me. No blinking, just a hard smile.
“Let’s order. My treat.” Josh called over the waiter.
Logan hiked one corner of his mouth and continued to stare. He was challenging me, undressing me, and dismissing me simultaneously—right across the table, while holding Lucy tight. She looked equally uncomfortable. Josh caught none of it as he continued to jostle with his other friends, talking about their ad campaigns and trashing the competition’s upcoming Super Bowl commercials.
We sat for another half hour, then as we grabbed our coats, Josh’s hand brushed under my arm. He whispered in my ear, “Are you ready?” He wasn’t talking about hailing a cab. The hair on the back of my neck stood up.
Logan followed us out the door and waited with us, even though he lives only a few blocks from Café Ba-Ba-Reeba. He waited and watched. As I climbed into the cab, Logan elbowed Josh. “Have a great night, big man. See you at the office. I’ll bring the cigarettes—I mean doughnuts.”
Josh laughed and climbed in behind me. I didn’t know if he was offended and laughed to cover his embarrassment or he thought Logan was funny. We all laugh at inappropriate things—I get that. You don’t want to feel left out. But this was too far. I felt like a piece of meat. It wasn’t Josh’s fault, but he didn’t stop it.
I told the cabdriver Josh’s address and sat silent. Josh took my hand. I didn’t pull away. I waited. When the cab pulled to a stop, Josh moved to get out.
“Josh, I’m heading back north tonight. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
He dropped back into the car. “Sam, that’s just Logan. You know him. He doesn’t mean anything.”
You knew Logan was out of line. “Yes, he does. He made me feel cheap, and you didn’t call him on it.”
“You’re overreacting, honey. Just forget about him and come inside. It’s cold.” He leaned in and kissed my neck. Then he pushed himself out of the car as if all was settled.
“Not tonight, Josh.” I reached for his door.
“You’re kidding. Right?” He was irritated now.
“No. Good night.” I tried to shut the door, but he held it open.
“You can’t keep doing this, Sam.”
“What?”
“This. Whatever this is to you.” And he slammed the door.
I turned to the cabdriver. “Sorry about that.” I gave him my address. “Do you mind driving all the way to Evanston?”
“Not at all, miss. Let’s get you home.” He sounded like he was glad to be rid of Josh too. He didn’t say another word, and I was grateful for that. My thoughts were loud enough. Was Josh right? Had I overreacted? Was I a prude? Or worse, a tease? Was Josh a jerk? We know what Logan was.
Now that I’ve cooled down, I admit that I took my
anger with Logan out on Josh. Or should Josh have shut him up? That’s where I’m still confused. And there’s something else—something hard to explain. Logan’s comment tonight saved me from a tough decision—and part of me is grateful for that. His insult made it easy for me to leave. It gave me courage. Next time, I’ll need to decide where I stand—on my own.
I tried to call Josh to explain, but he wouldn’t answer. He says he sleeps with his cell phone next to his bed, so I assume he’s mad at me. Any insights, Mr. Knightley? (That’s rhetorical, by the way. I’ll explain after I finish this thought.) As I said, I don’t have enough experience for this, and I don’t want to ask my friends. It’s tiresome to always be clueless, and this one’s a little more personal and embarrassing than my usual blunders. I will let it rest for now. I’m sure I’ll have to pick this up again tomorrow and talk to Josh.
I’m sorry I launched into tonight’s events without addressing your letter. It arrived today and made one thing very clear: I need these letters—as they are, with no changes to our agreement. Thank you for the final chance to come to my senses. Don’t write me. Never write me. I can’t believe I asked you. The moment I opened your letter and saw your signature, I panicked. I recalled all I’d told you, all you knew, and all I feared. I felt more exposed than in the article Kyle and I wrote. You know my heart.
And tonight confirmed it. When I got home, I paced for a while, then knew I’d find comfort if I turned to you. I’m not ready to give you up—just the way you are—a safe place in which to share my life and my dreams. Thank you for this. I may keep asking questions—I can’t seem to help myself—but please, never supply the answers.
Time to sleep,
Sam
JANUARY 15
Dear Mr. Knightley,
I handed in my 5,000-word feature to Johnson yesterday. Now I wait . . .
And during my free Saturday—after all, this piece will either save me or get me kicked out, so there’s no sense stressing about classes until I hear—I went in search of Cara. Does that surprise you? It did me.
I discovered the need to find her while writing with Kyle. It was right of me to leave her at eighteen, but I did things wrong too. They were relying on me and my rent money; I shouldn’t have walked out. Maybe it was reading that Lewis book, maybe it’s talking to the Muirs; for some reason I felt the need to make things right with Cara—as best I could.
I started my search at our old apartment, which is as wretched as I remembered. No one there remembered her, so I canvassed her old workplaces and followed the trail until I found her five hours later. Her new apartment is worse than the one we shared. It’s on the west edge of Hyde Park abutting the highway, near the site of the old Robert Taylor Homes. Many of those have been torn down or abandoned now, but some remain and are shockingly scary places. I clutched my pepper spray and jumped at every noise. In spite of it being about ten below today, I was sweating under my coat.
The lobby was vacant, and the stagnant air brought back painful memories. Gunfire or a car backfiring—I didn’t dwell on which it was—sent my pulse soaring. And the clanging of the metal doors on each floor didn’t help. I’m lucky nothing happened, Mr. Knightley. It was probably pretty stupid of me to go there alone. But I’m safe now, so I can tell the story . . .
I knocked on the door to 3B and got no reply. I’d come all this way, so I decided to wait. I slid down the wall outside the door and pulled The Life of Pi from my bag—a Mrs. Conley recommendation. It’s about a young boy and a tiger in a lifeboat, in the middle of the Pacific. That’s as far as I’ve gotten, but I feel a connection to young Pi, trying to survive alongside the very thing that can kill him. Is a tiger easier than your own past? I was thinking about all this so hard that I didn’t hear anyone coming until the metal door slammed on the stairway.
I jumped to my feet and shoved the book in my bag. A huge Hispanic guy with long hair rounded the corner and rattled off some harsh-sounding Spanish. He looked me up and down—slowly. He made my skin crawl.
He switched to English. “Who are you?” He stopped inches from my face.
I wanted to cower, but forced myself to stand tall and straight. “Is this your door? I’m sorry. I thought Cara Sanchez lived here.”
“What you want with her?” He glanced around.
“I’m a friend.”
“She’s comin’ up.” He turned the metal knob and shoulder-butted his way into the apartment. I remained in the hall and again heard the screech of the door. Cara rounded the corner and saw me.
“Hi.” My voice sounded high and oddly perky.
“What do you want?”
No hello? “I just wanted to see you.”
“How’d you find me?”
“I asked around. All those detective novels served me well. First your old place, some job sites, friends . . .” I rushed to help her with her bags. “How are you?”
“Like you care.” She shuffled on, but I stopped.
Do I care?
Kyle and I worked hard to pull out our pasts and loosen their grips on us. Fixing things with Cara was another step in that process, but faced with her, I wondered if there was more to it. Our pasts were linked. Are our futures?
“Cara, I need to apologize for how I left our apartment.”
“Don’t just stand there. Ric’s ice cream’ll melt. Come on.” She opened the door, using three shoulder-butts, and there sat Ric, sprawled on the couch with the TV blaring. Cara didn’t even look at him as she passed into a dirty gray kitchen.
“Bring a spoon,” he called.
Cara didn’t miss a beat. As I put the bag on the counter, she grabbed a spoon next to the sink, snatched the ice cream, and carried it to the living room. I stood awkwardly and calculated the difference between this and my warm apartment and the difference between Ric and Josh.
I sat down in a metal chair to give the impression I was staying as she came back to the kitchen. She narrowed her eyes and leaned against the counter.
“When did you move?” I pretended this was an afternoon chat with a friend.
“I stayed a couple years, but Ric and I are together, so I moved here a couple years ago. Rent’s cheaper and we’re good.”
“I can see that.” Oops, bad sarcasm!
“What?”
“Nothing. Where’d you two meet?”
“He’s a friend of Ron’s. Ron got sent up on charges. Loser. Ric keeps tabs on him, but I don’t care. Don’t need that.”
I didn’t know what to say to her. Her defenses were up, and why wouldn’t they be? I was intruding. I could see it in her body language: neck pulled back, jaw pushed forward, arms crossed.
“You don’t look good, Cara. Are you okay?” That was exactly the wrong thing to say.
“What?”
“You just look tired. I’m sorry. I’m not doing this right.”
Tired was an understatement. Cara was always rounded and boy crazy—think Lydia Bennet or Harriet Smith. Now she looked wizened, haggard, thin, and defeated—think any Hollywood celebrity you want, during dieting and before her next rehab. And I was screwing it up.
“You talk different. You dress rich.” She assessed me, and I didn’t make the grade.
“I’m wearing jeans just like you.” I cringed as I glanced at my sweater and boots. They looked too polished, too refined.
“You think I’m trash, but you’re no—” She interrupted herself with a coughing fit.
“You’re ill, Cara. Do you have the flu?”
“It’s nothing. I got some bug at the Shell. There’s cold medicine somewhere ’round here.”
We talked a little while longer. Short sentences with no real meaning. I told her about life on campus, but left out a lot of details. “I wanted to come and apologize for the way I left.”
“You’re sorry?” Cara sounded shocked.
“Yes.”
“You sound like Father John,” Cara sneered.
Why does everyone disrespect Father John? I caught myself
. I did the same thing over the grant. That’s another apology I’ll need to make someday.
“I’ve hung around him enough, and he does make some sense. After I left you, I lived in Independence Cottage until a couple months ago. I’m up in Evanston now, but I went back to Grace House over Christmas.”
“Why?”
“I got sick, and it was the only place I could go.”
She opened her mouth as Ric’s yell cut across the room. “I’m goin’ out. Get me dinner, and none o’ those ramen noodles.”
Cara pushed off the counter and fidgeted with her hands. I knew that gesture. She needed me to leave.
“Thanks for seeing me, Cara. I’m sorry. That’s all I wanted to say.” I tried to hug her, but she didn’t lift her arms. I walked through the living room. “’Bye, Ric. Nice meeting you.” He didn’t look up.
It had turned dark outside. There were no cabs around, so I ran to the ‘L’ fast enough that I don’t think an attacker could have caught me if he’d tried. Luckily it was so cold no one was outside or interested in coming out. I hopped the train and gulped in air. Each breath took me north . . . and forward.
When I got home I took a hot bath and invited Isabella up for a movie. We chatted, ate popcorn, and drank hot chocolate. It was just what I needed to settle my thoughts and memories. She’s a cute kid. I gave her a copy of Emma for her twelfth birthday last week. I thought you’d appreciate that.
And now I should tell you about my classes this quarter—assuming I stay. You know about my Johnson class, the features one. I’m also taking Distribution Statistics and Audience Variance, as well as Quarterly Reviews. I know, statistics is a math class, and you might question the relevance. But Johnson always talks about the importance of connecting with the reader, and I figure I can do it better if I understand my readers, where they live and what they think. Hmm . . . I sound like a kiss-up. Still, it’s a solid topic and it makes good sense. Quarterly Reviews covers academic writing and, although I doubt I’ll do much of that, many such articles are written by free-lancers because there’s good money in it.
A Katherine Reay Collection Page 13