by Jayne, S. L.
Matt stands in front of me, with his arms slightly raised, the look on his face is almost as if he’s asking for permission to dance with me. I bravely take a step forward and walk into his arms, wrapping my arms around his waist. We move in time with each other, his hands slide down my back, causing my back to arch and press my chest against him. I don’t think that’s such a good idea, so I turn around, keeping his arms wrapped around me, I feel his body press up against my back.
“You’re gonna kill me, baby. This song… you have no idea,” Matt’s velvety deep voice escapes into my ear.
Feeling bold, I ignore his words and slide my body down his and back up, slowly. I can feel his chest heaving, like he’s struggling to let out a breath. His hands grip my hips, pressing my ass into his groin, and I have no control over the smile spreading across my face at the feel of his erection through his jeans.
Turning to face him, I pull his head down level with mine, so he can hear me. “You need to take another shot, big man.” I smile and turn back around.
He spins me back around to face him. “You need to stop being so fucking sexy, shorty. Shit, I only have so much self-control, and around you? It’s like being on thin ice,” he breathed into my hair.
“I’m sorry, Matt, I don’t mean to make it hard for you,” I blush as soon as the words come out.
I feel his chest rumble from his laugh. “Don’t be sorry, baby, it’s a better memory than the last time we were here.”
That reminds me of our screaming match, the one that ended in me walking out of here after telling him to go fuck himself. It also reminds me of what Ava said, that Matt had announced that night that he wanted me.
“Did you really say you wanted me that night? Ava told me the next day what you’d said, but I didn’t remember, or really believe her.”
Watching his megawatt smile appear across his face, I think he definitely said it.
“Yeah, I said it… it’s true, I really meant it. I still do,” he nodded.
“What do you want from me, Matt?”
“Nothing, beautiful… just you, always just you. As long as I have all of you, every single piece of you, that will always be enough. Believe me.”
Before I can take in his words, or think of anything to say, his lips crash against mine and his arms wrap around me, tightly. My traitorous body responds exactly how he wants it to, my mouth moves with his, my lips part as he slides his tongue across them, wanting access. My hands move on their own accord, around his neck pulling him into me, wanting the kiss deeper. The vibrations in my mouth from his groan sets my entire body alight.
What am I doing? Hearing him say those words, kissing me so passionately- I don’t know if it’s the shots taking effect or the swarm of butterflies I feel in my stomach making my head spin. I pull away from him, I need some cold water.
“I’ll be back, I need the bathroom,” I smile up at him.
He nods back at me as I walk away. Making my way through the swarmed dance floor, I don’t think I’ll make it to the bathroom, I’ll end up trampled on before I reach the stairs. It’s easier for me to step outside for a bit of air instead, that will be just as effective as cold water.
Setting myself down on the wall outside, I feel my body cooling down already from the chill in the air. There’s a guy sitting adjacent to me with his head in his hands, I’m thinking he’s ready to throw up- I’m glad he’s not too close to me.
“Can you believe I came here to surprise my girlfriend, but I’m the one left surprised, finding her in there draped over another guy?” he spoke, I could hear the hurt laced in his voice.
I looked around to see who else he could be talking to, no one else was around, except the bouncer near the door.
“Go in there and claim your girl, get her away from the guy. She may not know what she’s doing, or worse, she might be trying to get away from him. Hear her out, before you get mad at her.”
The guy nods, taking in my words. I can hear my name being called, it’s distant but I can tell it’s a male voice. Shit! Matt thought I was going to the bathroom. Standing up I turn to face the guy, who is now on his feet, too.
“Go… what are you waiting for? My best friend says, always have faith, and that’s what you need, faith. Get your girl back,” I smiled at him.
He takes the three steps it takes to close the space between and wraps his arms around me, hugging me. “Thank you. You’re a great girl.”
Before he can pull away, I hear Matt’s voice. “RYLEE!” He is frantically shouting something about killing the guy. I step away from him and try to explain to Matt that he wasn’t doing anything wrong, but it’s too late. The guy collapses to the floor after one punch from Matt.
“MATT! NO! He wasn’t doing anything. STOP!” I scream, looking around for someone to help. The bouncer has vanished inside, hopefully to find someone.
My words aren’t being recognized; Matt’s on top of this guy and won’t stop punching him. What the hell has gotten into him? I scream at him to stop again.
“Matt, please, STOP!” Tears are streaming down my face, my hands are shaking. I don’t know how far he’s going to go.
Ava and Ryan come running out of the doors, Ava is screaming at me, asking what’s happened. I try to explain but fear for his guy has taken over and I can’t form words. Ava and I continue to scream at Matt, our pleas falling on deaf ears, he won’t stop, he’s like a man possessed, and right now, he’s downright scary. It’s like he’s been replaced with a different man altogether
Ryan, Walker, Liam, and the bouncers are pulling Matt off of the guy, they get him upright, and I look at him, meeting his eyes.
“What the hell, Matt? The lump in my throat makes my words sound rough.
“Don’t… don’t what the hell me, Rylee. I’d have killed him there and then if these jackasses would have left me to it. This is me, this is who I am. I’m a fucked up mess and you shouldn’t want me.”
His words hit me like a bulldozer, I instantly feel sick, my fight or flight instinct has kicked in and I don’t have the fight in me to go against Matt. My eyes glaze over with unshed tears as I turn and run towards the line of cabs outside the club. I need to get away from him, his words, and the murderous look on his face.
Chapter Six
“Let’s get you inside, you’re shaking, Ry. Deep breaths, sweetie,” Ava is whispering in my ear, trying her best to calm me down.
I nod my head, accepting what she’s said. I try to take deep breaths, but I can’t stop my body from shaking, and Matt’s words are blocking any other thoughts from entering my head. “I’m a fucked up mess and you shouldn’t want me.”
Why did he tell me he wanted me in the club if I shouldn’t want him back? Why kiss me the way he did? Why, is the devils word… it’s the one word we all ask, but we never ask ourselves if we’re prepared for the answer. Matt’s actions and words tonight have thrown me, I don’t know if I can see him without remembering that look in his eyes, he looked like a totally different man, not like my Matt, at all. Do I want to know what’s made him fucked up? What is fucked up to him? What is fucked up to anyone? We all think we’re fucked up in some way or another, but we all have different perceptions on the meaning.
The next thing I know, I’m on my bed and Ava is tucking me in, telling me she’ll be back in a minute with a drink of water. I don’t even remember walking into the apartment. I can vaguely hear hushed voices on the other side of the door, we must have woken my mom up when we came in. I totally forgot she was staying the night because of her AC being replaced.
“She’ll be okay, Lexi, she’s just upset right now,” Ava’s voice is low but clear.
“Does she need to talk to me? I’ll go and see, I want to help her,” I hear mom reply.
She walks into my room carrying the glass of water that I guess Ava had gotten for me.
“Are you okay? You can talk to me, you know. I’ll just listen,” mom smiled at me.
Where do I start?
“I don’t know where to start mom, I don’t even know if I can talk about it. Where’s Ava?” I ask, looking around the room. She’s my best friend, I need her- I can’t open up without her here.
“I’ll get her. I know she’s your rock, Rylee, but I want you to know I’m here for you too.” She nods before leaving the room.
“Mom, wait. I still want you in here, I want to talk to you, but I want Ava here too.”
She smiled back at me and nodded. Less than a minute later, mom and Ava were back in my room, waiting for me to start talking.
“You don’t have to go through tonight’s events, Ry. I’ve already told Lexi what happened.” Ava said as she reached over to hold my hand.
I looked at them both. “I don’t understand what happened. One minute we were in the club, Matt was telling me he wants me, all of me- he even kissed me.” I stopped talking, the memory of the moments we shared in the club flooded my mind. He was sweet and gentle, the kiss was meaningful.
“The next thing I know, he’s shouting at me, telling me I shouldn’t want him because he’s fucked up… What the actual fuck? Why push me away minutes after bringing me close?” I shake my head and close my eyes, trying to clear my mind. It doesn’t work.
Mom looked at me. “People react in different ways to things, Rylee. I don’t think Matt meant to upset you, whatever his reasons are for believing he’s fucked up, he wouldn’t have meant to hurt you. I know you’re upset and you probably don’t want to see him any time soon, but try and get some sleep- we’ll find Matt tomorrow and make sure he’s okay,” she said.
“Make sure he’s okay? What about me, Mom? What about how I feel… I don’t want to see him,” I say, starting to get angry.
“I didn’t mean it like that, sweetheart, I just know you’re angry about the way he’s acted tonight. I really think you need to try and sleep a little,” mom said.
She’s right, I need to try and sleep this anger off, if I can.
“Lexi’s right, you need to sleep. Do you want me to sleep in here with you?” Ava asks.
I shake my head. I need to be alone.
“No, it’s okay, I’ll be fine. You need to be in your bed in case Ryan comes back here, he’ll wonder where you are,” I say, giving her a small smile.
***
Feeling the mattress dip behind me, I smile, knowing Ava has sneaked in here to watch over me. I don’t remember drifting off to sleep, the last thought I had on repeat in my mind, was how this has all happened.
Heavy breathing and the feel of muscles bring my heart to a stop. It isn’t Ava lying behind me, it’s Matt. I freeze, feeling his arm wrap around my waist from behind as he moves forward, closing the space between us, I can’t even let out the breath I’m holding. I don’t want him to know I’m awake. I also don’t want him to have come here to tell me not to want him, I can’t listen to that.
What if he’s still angry? My heart starts beating faster, I squeeze my eyes closed and re-open them, thinking this could be a dream. It’s not, he’s still here. I breathe in his scent one last time and attempt to move as slowly as possible to get out of his arms.
His arm locks around me. “No, I’m sorry, so fucking sorry… you have no idea how fucking sorry I am, you have to believe me. I begged Ryan to bring me here, to let me see you. Please don’t walk out,” his voice is thick with remorse.
I hear Ava through the wall shouting at Ryan to keep his drunk ass quiet, because she’s trying to listen to Matt and me talking. She’s out of luck, I haven’t said anything, yet.
I reach over to switch the bed side light on, not caring that I could look like a racoon right now with mascara lines on my cheeks. I want to see his face, I need to see the look in his eyes.
“Leave if off, please. It’s easier to tell you in the dark, because then I won’t be able to see the disappointment in your eyes.”
I turn to face him, the light shining through the curtain from the street light is glowing on his face, making it easy to see his pained expression.
“Matt…”
“Please, Princess, I need to tell you… you have to understand why I’m fucked up.”
Am I ready to know? Can I handle the truth? All I know is that if I just remember who Matt is now, the Matt I know, nothing in this world will change my opinion of him.
I have to do this, a few hours ago I was angry with him, but I need to listen- for both of us.
Looking at him, I nod my head. “Okay, I’ll listen… but please stop saying you’re fucked up, Matt.”
He turned onto his back, facing the ceiling as he found his words. “I used to fight, cage fight. It was a way to release my anger, anger that I’d built up while I was growing up. I know it’s not safe, it’s illegal, but I didn’t care about that or getting hurt, or worse, getting killed. Nothing mattered to me, when I first got into it… I felt like a sadist, because inflicting pain on people felt good,” His voice is low and his expression is mixed with shame and disgust.
He stopped for a few seconds, shaking his head before continuing.
“It wasn’t until I was on the receiving end of the pain that I knew how masochists felt, because receiving the pain felt equally good. It was an indescribable feeling. That’s when I knew I was fucked up, I knew I was because my friends even told me. My best friend at the time, Cole, he set up a fight for me, but he knew the guy wouldn’t have been able to hold his own against me… it was that night, that night when I almost killed a guy. I nearly fucking killed him, baby, I had no control… I see red and then blind rage takes over.” I hear him swallow hard.
Turning my head to face him, I see a single tear roll down his right cheek.
“Matt… It’s not your fault, you’re not that person anymore. You didn’t kill him- he’s alive,” I said, trying to relieve him of any guilt that may be re-surfacing.
“I know he is, but that doesn’t mean I get to feel better about it. I could have ended up in jail. My dad, he was crushed by what I did. That night was the last time I saw Cole, or raised a hand to anyone. I met Liam that night, he saved me. He introduced me to the gym, said it was the best thing for me, it would help me, and it’s a safer way to release the anger.” He turned to face me, testing my expression.
I nod my head, I’m not sure what to say to him. I still don’t know what made him so angry, but I have to accept whatever he’s ready to tell me and understand how hard it is for him to open up.
“What happened tonight, Matt? What made you flip out?” I ask. I need to know what I did wrong.
Turning his attention back to the ceiling, I now know it’s because he doesn’t want to look me in the eye as he talks. “I would have killed that guy at the club tonight, I’d kill anyone for you. I hadn’t laid a hand on anyone until that night in my bar when I pinned that guy up against the wall for touching you- I can’t stand it. I know you hate feeling owned, and I don’t want to own you in the way of controlling you- what I feel for you is different. I want to keep you, not own you. People have come and gone in my life, who I didn’t care much for, but you, I want you to stay.” His eyes meet mine as he turns his head slightly to face me.
I smile at him. “I’m not going anywhere, Matt. I’m right here.”
“For now,” he whispered, turning his head away.
“I was lost inside my head tonight, when I couldn’t find you inside I knew you had walked out of the club without anyone, and it scared the life out of me. Seeing you outside with that guys arms around you… it was too much, it brought back the thoughts of something I have fought to forget for years.”
“What is it you fought to forget, Matt… what happened to you?”
His chest his rising and falling, his eyes are closed and I can see his nostrils flaring.
“It wasn’t me it happened to, not directly… it was my mom, my birth mom. She was attacked… She was raped by a sick bastard. She was out one night with her friends, she left them to go home early… She didn’t report it, she was too ashamed. She found ou
t nine weeks later that she was pregnant, but didn’t know who the father was, my dad or the slime ball that attacked her. She thought about having an abortion but my dad begged her not to, told her they will do a paternity test, eventually, but said he’d love the baby no matter what.”
I gasp, taking it all in. That’s why he lost it when I was outside of the club, with another man hugging me. I get it now, I get why he would imagine the worst. I swallow back the lump forming in my throat, I can’t begin to imagine how hard that would be for his mom, dealing with that. Tears fall from my eyes, tears for Matt, his mom, his dad- all of them.
“I’m sorry that happened to your mom, Matt. I’m sorry for leaving the club without telling you… What happened to your mom afterward, and the baby?”
“I am the baby… I’m the one that my mom couldn’t bring herself to face, I’m the child that made her not want to face the truth and put off the test for almost three years. I’m that three year old child that had their mom there one day, and gone the next. She left dad and me. He tried to stop her but she said she couldn’t handle it. Dad went ahead with the test a few months later, it turned out he was my father- but she… she never came back, there were rumours that she had taken her own life six months after she left… dad had tried to contact her family but they blamed him, which is what led us to believe the rumours were true. Every person I’ve ever told has looked at me with revulsion, that I could have been the spawn of a rapist, and that my mom left because she couldn’t face me. You’re learning to believe in yourself, Princess… but me, I’m learning to believe in others.”
The awfulness of what happened to him and his dad hit me hard, the shock was evident on my face with the tears streaming down my cheeks. I look at him with compassion.
“I...”
“Don’t look at me like that, Rylee…” he said, lifting himself off of the bed and walking towards the door.