RECYCLED MEMORY

  The emptiness inside me ripped open the flood gates, and I choked on an audible sob from deep within my throat. I pressed my face against the cold metal of the six-foot fencing that separated me from my old playhouse and cried with reckless abandon. Someone had repaired the opening and installed taller panels on the very day Marcus left for boot camp. I remembered watching from a short distance away as the last remaining connection I’d had to the man I loved was grimly stripped away, its access denied to me. Looking back at the chain of events that had followed Marcus’s departure, I could safely say it worked out for the best. The good times we had sharing each other’s hopes and dreams, making love till the wee hours of the morning, and just being ourselves had been ruined irreparably. Those memories were overshadowed with a heartache so profound, I felt it as strongly today as I had as a sixteen-year-old girl. My mind wandered back to that faithful night in the cabin, the night when things took a turn I’d never seen coming.

  “That was wonderful, Marcus.” I stretched like the kitten who drank the cream, still reeling from our lovemaking.

  I felt amazing.

  “My body’s tingling all over, and I have the strangest craving for tacos.” I giggled like a silly school girl. Our lovemaking had been intense yet slow and sensual at the same time.

  “Glad you enjoyed the dick, little pocket.” He stood and discarded the used condom in the trashcan with his back turned to me.

  “Where are you going? I thought we could cuddle for a few hours. My parents are at some stupid charity thing, so they won’t be back anytime soon. We’ve got plenty of time.”

  “No thanks. Got all the pussy I needed from you tonight.” Marcus threw on his boxers and gathered his jeans from the floor and slipped them on. Okay, that was… mean.

  “There was something I’d been meaning to tell you about, you know, what we talked about the other day? It’s sort of important now that we finally graduated from high school.”

  He still hadn’t turned around to face me, so I sat up and wrapped the blanket around my naked form and attempted to hug him from behind. He abruptly pulled away and continued dressing without as much as a peck on the cheek. What the hell?

  “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, too.” He fastened his jeans and grabbed his shirt that lay across the chair in the corner.

  “Oh? What’s that?” I smirked to myself. “That I’m the love of your life and you can’t live without me?” The smile I flashed toward his muscled back died on my lips the minute Marcus did an about-face. He never made eye contact but instead focused on an imaginary spot somewhere behind me on the wall.

  “I’m leaving tomorrow, and I won’t be coming back anytime soon. Went down to the Marine recruitment center and joined up. I’m headed out to boot camp at first light.”

  “What?” I wailed. “How could you… Why didn’t you talk to me about this before you made that decision, Marcus?”

  His beautiful mouth twisted into a sinister sneer followed by a unrestrained round of spiteful laughter. He shot me a disgusted half-smirk as he looked upon my body and shook his head back and forth like he couldn’t believe I had the nerve to ask such a question. Something was definitely wrong. My heart started beating wildly in my chest, and a sob threatened to break free if I didn’t get control of myself. My tough guy had disappeared. The boy who’d loved me so completely minutes ago was replaced with an evil version of himself, and I hated him for it.

  “You’re joking, right? Why the fuck would I talk to you about that? You’re not my fucking mother, just some bitch I lay pipe to when the mood hit me.”

  He yanked his shirt on with so much force he nearly ripped the collar off.

  “I know that, but I just thought…” Ohmygod, what’s happening?

  “Thought what?” he fired back. “That I let you ride my dick so now you have a say-so in what I do with my life? Let me enlighten you, little girl. Yours ain’t the only wet pussy I’ve had in this cabin, so don’t go making claims to something that don’t belong to you.”

  “That’s not true,” I challenged brokenly. “Why are you saying these things, Marcus?”

  A sob burst from my lips followed by a flood of tears that I couldn’t stop from streaming down my face. I felt as if Marcus had reached his hand inside my chest and ripped my guts out. How could he make love to me, then crush my very soul with words that were so cruel, I peeked through wet lashes to find the hidden cameras. This had to be some sort of joke. Maybe a test of my loyalty. Whatever it was, I wanted it to stop before it ruined me.

  “Oh shit!” He smiled, but it never reached his eyes. “Did you think you were the only one, Pocket? Glad I got to bust that cherry and all; never had virgin pussy before. It was alright, I guess. Nothing special.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Now, the chick I’m going to meet? Her pussy is fucking golden, best I’ve ever had. Know what I mean? Just like…a golden princess. Glad I brought my swim trunks.”

  He shot me a wink before he put on his boots and headed toward the door of the cabin. He was really going to leave me there, alone and heartbroken, like he didn’t even care. He’d planned this whole thing from the beginning. The junior dance, the promises to never hurt me again, the declarations of love. It was all bullshit. A way to get inside my pants and laugh about it later. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. All the words I wanted to say were lost in my head. This was it, the end of us.

  I wasn’t ready to give him up.

  Marcus was my one true heart.

  My life.

  “You said you loved me, Marcus. You promised you’d never hurt me again. Why? I don’t understand any of this. What did I do that was so wrong?” I yelled out to him.

  “I did love you, Pocket. The whole time my dick was inside your tight little pussy, I loved you. Not my fault you believed the fairy tale, kid.” I was on the verge of a complete meltdown. My vision blurred, and I found it impossible to intake enough air to fill my lungs.

  “Marcus, please don’t do this. I love you,” I begged shamelessly.

  “Close the door on your way out, Maribel. It’s been an experience.” He paused just long enough to deliver the final dagger. “Oh, and by the way, just in case you missed the punch line, I’m through with your ass. Have a nice life.” He walked out slamming the door behind him.

  Don’t break.

  Don’t break.

  Don’t break.

  I chanted it over and over again in my head until all the agony and torment were directed inward to the point of physical pain. I willed my breaths to settle long enough so I could concentrate and for my brain to kick start. I thought back to everything that had happened since we’d arrived at the cabin, all the words I needed to pin down where things started to fall apart. I sat on that cot for hours, immobile, just me and that tired gray army surplus blanket. The country was at war; hundreds of soldiers died every day on the battlefield. What if I lost him? What if he never came back?

  Anger took over.

  I raged against the pain inside me.

  I trashed that fucking cabin so completely, there wasn’t a spot to be seen that didn’t have a broken glass or overturned shelves of supplies. The morning light peeked through the broken window, a sign that I still had a chance to change his mind. I threw on my clothes and ran for my life; for our life. The short distance to the junkyard was all a blur of tears and sweat streaming down my face. I screamed for him; at every turn I called out his name, pleading with him to hear my voice and come to me.

  Where are you, Marcus?

  I couldn’t stop, not till I found him. What if this was our only chance?

  “He’s gone, girl. Left a few hours ago.”

  Strong arms held me by the shoulders right before my legs gave out. I recognized the voice immediately but refused to believe what he’d just told me. He can’t be gone.

  “Please, Buck, I can’t breathe.” I clutched my chest and rubbed at the aching spot to make the pain go away. “What am I supposed to do without him?
I can’t. It hurts too much. Please help me bring him back.”

  Buck gave my shoulders a shake, not enough to hurt me, but enough to get my attention. My breaths were choppy and my vision cloudy from the stream of tears that refused to stop flowing. I was grasping at the last semblance of sanity I had left. Any little thing to hold on to and stop this nightmare from actually happening.

  “Easy, girl, breathe easy now. Watch me. Deep breaths in and out,” he demanded.

  “I can’t, Buck. I can’t... Please, I’m begging you.”

  I shook my head no, but my body chose that moment to rebel against me. I was so tired and overwrought the adrenalin spike caused my limbs to shake violently. Buck continued to coax me to calm with shushes and words of encouragement. He never judged or chastised me for acting like a love-sick idiot; he just waited until I had nothing left to hold on to.

  Nothing to hope for.

  “What am I supposed to do now, Buck?” I asked him through a series of hiccups and shudders.

  Buck grunted his displeasure with my question. “What do you mean, what are you supposed to do? You keep fighting, girl, with everything you’ve got. Keep fucking fighting,” he replied with firmness. I raised my head and stared at him woodenly.

  What the fuck was he asking me to do?

  Didn’t he understand that my life was over?

  “What’s left to fight for, Buck?” He faltered at my question but quickly recovered.

  “That’s up to you to decide. Whatever it is, make sure and give it all you’ve got. Don’t back down for nothing or no one. There’s strength in you; I see it. Never forget that, girl. Understand?”

  That was the last time I ever saw Buck Calhoun or any of the other guys from the junkyard until they showed up at the diner weeks ago. Things had never been the same after that. Eight years, I struggled to find something worth fighting for, anything that resembled the love I’d felt for the first and only time in my life. Coming back here again was the reminder I needed to never forget those dark days, how far I’d come on my journey, and that I was never going back. Newly focused, I left behind the pain of what might have been and set my sights on what actually was.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Marcus

  WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED to the man sitting down in front of me? He had to be in his mid-fifty’s by now, but the motherfucker could pass for a hundred. Balding hair, back hunched over, saddle bags under his eyes, the guy looked like hammered shit, and that was a compliment. The regally dignified man who’d convinced me to give up on his daughter couldn’t coax a starving squirrel to eat a bag of nuts right about now. He stared at me from across the room, probably wondering how I’d managed to still be alive after all this time. Clearly, he didn’t know what to make of my sudden appearance or why I had two pistols pointed at this head. But we’d get to that. He’d made a lot of promises to me concerning his daughter, and as far as I was concerned, he’d broken every fucking one of them. A man is only as good as his word, Buck used to say. That meant Dr. Laine wasn’t worth shit in my book and no great loss if I decided to end his life.

  “You can put the guns away, son. This is a hospital, not a shooting range.” He fidgeted.

  “Yeah, I’ll get right on that.” I held my nines steady. “The last time you and I were in the same room together, I was eighteen years old and you ordered me to leave your daughter alone. Do you remember that, Doc?” He blinked. Taken aback by my question.

  “Yes, well, it was my understanding that you joined the Marines. I’d like to thank you for your service to our great nation, Marcus.” My hands shook with tension at his condescending response.

  I wasn’t getting through.

  Change of tactics.

  “War did some strange shit to me, Doc, inside my head.” I tapped the side of my skull with one of the nines. “PTMFD, or whatever the fuck it’s called. Don’t really matter. I could bash your brains in with the butt of my guns until you bleed out on your freshly polished floors and get away with it. I don’t mind playing the crazy card if it means spending a year on the couch in some headshrinker’s office while you rot in a shallow grave. You feel me?”

  That got his attention.

  “You don’t scare—” he tried.

  “Tsk. Tsk.” I shook my head. “I’m not sure if you’ve realized it yet, but you’re in a world of shit, Doc. Now, whether or not you make it out this office alive is completely up to you. Do I make myself clear, or do you need me to spell it out?”

  “Crystal clear, Mr. Mecken. Tell me what it is you want, so you can leave my office.”

  Smart.

  “I wanna know,” I growled through clenched teeth, “why the fuck Maribel is working at a sleazy diner instead of right here in this hospital next to you like you promised.”

  “You’ve seen my baby girl?” He perked up excitedly. “How is she? Did you speak with her? Is she well? Why would she be working at a diner of all places?” he asked. Dumfounded.

  “What happened to Maribel?” I hissed. “Before you answer, know this. I’m hanging on by a very thin thread, Doc. DO. NOT. TEST. ME.”

  “I find your statement ironic, Mr. Mecken, considering what you put my daughter through. You never deserved the love she felt for you. Maribel was exceptional. I hope you—”

  I advanced a bullet into the chamber of one my nines, ending his bullshit blame speech. Whatever color he had left drained from his face when he realized I wasn’t fucking around. A sound akin to a yelp left his lips just before he broke out in tears. What a pussy. My give-a-fuck meter never kicked in, but I was forced to wait while his nose dripped snot all over his desk before he locked down his shit long enough to talk.

  “After you decided to leave, Maribel had a difficult time accepting that it was for the best. She stopped eating, communicating. We had no choice but to seek alternative means to help her. I consulted with my colleagues, and we came up with a viable solution given the circumstances.”

  The bottom dropped out of my stomach, and I felt a wave of sickness. His double-talking bullshit meant fuck all to me. He was stalling…and it was gonna cost him.

  “I never decided shit, motherfucker. YOU were the one who said it was all taken care of, that you would protect her. Now, tell me what you did to her and why she isn’t a doctor. Straight this time. No fucking bullshit,” I snarled.

  “I… She changed into someone I didn’t recognize. Everything, from her emaciated body to the very depths of her soul. She disappeared right in front of my eyes, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it but watch. I’M HER FATHER! I should have been able to reach her.”

  “Last time, Doc. What did you do to her?” I repeated slowly, more menacingly.

  He sat back in his chair. Resolved.

  I’d seen that look before, lately, when I looked in the mirror.

  He was ready to die.

  “No. I won’t tell you that.” He took a sobering breath. “I won’t betray my daughter’s confidence, no matter what the circumstances. She has a right to her privacy, even if she no longer accepts us as part of her life.”

  “Do you have any idea how bad I want to fuck you up right now? Whatever you’re thinkin’, believe me, it’s nowhere close to where my head’s at. Eight fucking years, I stayed away, forced my family to stay away, all because you had to have it your way. How does it feel, Doc? Knowing things could have turned out so differently if you’d just given us a chance.” I’d heard enough of his bullshit excuses.

  I couldn’t breathe. All I saw was red. I did this.

  My fault.

  My fucking choice.

  The shit I’d put her through the night before I left for boot camp had been gutless and unconscionable. I’d made love to her with every intention of ending things in the worst possible way; bend but not break. I’d needed her to hate me, so she would forget about us and go about her business of becoming a doctor. I wondered how that night changed the trajectory of her bright future. Had she suffered greatly? Had she been alon
e, calling for me? Pleading for me to come and get her? While I’d fought for my country, Pocket was here fighting her own war, yet unlike me, she hadn’t had a platoon of brothers that had her back. Who had she turned to for help? I was such a cunt. I’d forced Range and the rest of the guys to stay away from her, gave them some bullshit story about the spark being gone. They never knew what really went down; that truth was for me and me alone. I’d never forgive myself for the pain I’d caused to the one girl I loved with all my heart and soul.

  “You fucking promised me that you’d look out for her, and you broke that promise. You fucking lied to me, and for that, I should kill you with my bare hands.” I got up from the chair I was sitting in and holstered my weapons. I needed to go find Maribel and tell her the truth. She deserved to know that none of it was her fault.

  “Please, Marcus.” The doctor stood and reached for my arm before I forcefully yanked it away. “I haven’t seen my baby girl in over five years,” he cried, and for the first time since I’d arrived, I felt sorry for him. “I miss her so much I ache inside. You couldn’t possible know what that feels like. She had so much potential, a shining star for the world to gaze upon but never touch. She was my life. Don’t you see that?” he pleaded.

  “The brightest stars are the ones that burn out the fastest, Doc,” I countered. “And you’re wrong. I know exactly what the fuck that feels like.”

  I jumped on my bike and left the hospital in a hurry. The diner was on the outskirts of town. With luck, Maribel was working, and she and I could talk. Who the fuck was I kidding? She’d rather stick a Coke bottle in my ass than sit down and have a conversation with me. Maribel hated my guts. She had a reason to, but that wouldn’t stop me. I’d watched her from across the street working in that filthy diner. She was the vision I’d imagined for years out on the battlefield. I thought those feelings would fade; it had been high school, for fuck’s sake. What asshole carried a torch around for someone they’d dated when they were eighteen? I’d had other women; liberty time in the infantry was welcomed after weeks of fighting the insurgents. Pussy and booze were the first stop for most Marines, and not necessarily in that order. Empty pussy was a nice distraction. Over time, the women just became nameless, faceless vessels for my cock to warm in for a while. Dodging bullets and sleeping in trenches of sand was hell, but it was also my duty as a soldier.