“What’s wrong, Mikuru? You look as though you got molested by an old geezer. Or did your doctor say you’ve got athlete’s foot?”
Standing by the corner of the classroom, Mikuru replied,
“The time has finally arrived. I must go and fight my final battle.”
“Sounds great, Mikuru. We’re counting on you! The fate of the Earth rests upon your shoulders!”
After muttering her lines, Tsuruya-san twitched her face, and finally laughed out loud, not being able to hold on any longer.
“……I’ll do my best,”
Mikuru said softly at a volume that could barely be picked up by the microphone.
It’s probably futile trying to question the deep flaws of this story. Just how did Mikuru and Tsuruya-san know each other? When Tsuruya-san first appeared as a mind-controlled zombie in the pond scene, it seems that they already knew each other then. If that’s the case, then Yuki’s mind control attacks ought to take place afterwards. This would make that battle scene more intense as the audience would realize that Mikuru and Tsuruya-san are supposed to be friends. I dare say that this mix up in the order of scenarios is all due to the director’s negligence.
Of course, the annoying deus ex machina was adamant that she knew what she was doing, and ignored all these accusations, while pouring all her passion into shooting whatever came into her mind. As a result, she has slaved ordinary people like me to exhaustion already.
It was decided that the final battle would take place at the roof of the school.
Yuki waited on the roof during lunch time, dressed in her black magician cloak with Shamisen clinging to her shoulder.
A few seconds later, the door to the roof opened and Mikuru, in her battle waitress costume, now entered.
“D, did you wait long?”
“Very long.”
Yuki answered frankly. In fact, Mikuru had gone to the bathroom to change into her costume, which was why she took so long. As cameraman, I too have waited for quite some time.
“Then……”
The ever frank Yuki now recited the long-prepared dialogue,
“This time, we will put an end to all of this. We do not have much time. This must end in the next few minutes at the latest.”
“I feel the same way too…… But! Itsuki-kun will definitely choose me! Um…… This may sound embarrassing, but that’s what I firmly believe!”
“Unfortunately, I do not intend to respect his wishes. I need his powers, that is why I must have him. Even if it means conquering the whole Earth.”
Well you could always conquer the planet first then kidnap Itsuki along the way. Because by then no one would be able to resist you, and Mikuru will be isolated as most people would have followed the majority and would gladly hand Itsuki over to you. Even a cute battle waitress would have a hard time trying to overturn this overwhelming majority.
If you even have the ability to conquer the Earth, what’s so difficult about capturing Itsuki?
“You won’t have your way! That’s the reason I arrived from the future!”
Ah, yes, of course. I nearly forgot, Mikuru is a battle waitress from the future. But the movie’s almost finished now, I simply don’t know why the screenwriter wanted to include this time traveling plot device when it’s hardly ever used.
The laser battles between Yuki and Mikuru now commence once again.
Mikuru went “Hiyaaa!” and “Take this!” while shooting lasers, beams, missiles and mini black holes from her eye. On the other hand, Yuki simply remained silent and waved her wand.
Mikuru went “Hiyaaa!” and “Take this!” while shooting lasers, beams, missiles and mini black holes from her eye. On the other hand, Yuki simply remained silent and waved her wand.
We must create an atmosphere which can’t be done with computer effects alone! Under this command, firecrackers were used extravagantly on the roof. Even though these were all abandoned firecrackers obtained from the toy store storage, they would still make loud noises when ignited. As a result, a few teachers came rushing up from downstairs and gave us a good scolding.
Getting scolded by the teachers is inevitable when you play with fireworks in school.
Should my disciplinary record be given negative points as a result, please have them transferred over to the director, thank you. Even if she were to pool all the negative records of Asahina-san, Nagato and Koizumi, she would still be able to get herself off the hook thanks to her excellent academic record. If that girl could sit down quietly, no one would find any fault in her.
Ignoring the cameraman’s narrative, the battle rages on.
This is all credit to our director who, undaunted by the teachers’ demands to leave the school roof at once, even warned them that if they were to stop us from shooting this important scene, she would threaten to sue the school for attempting to stifle the students’ freedom of expression.
Now that would be pretty scary if that were to happen.
I don’t care. Just don’t play with fire! - The teachers hesitantly left the roof with this parting shot. The roof was now packed with curious onlookers who were increasing in numbers, causing Mikuru to become even more embarrassed.
Under intense pressure, Mikuru was now in a desperate situation. All her attacks on Yuki had been futile, and with Yuki slowly moving closer, Mikuru could only back up and was now forced to the fence by the edge of the roof.
“Now die in peace! I will select a nice tombstone for you. Try to perform many good deeds in the afterlife so that you can enjoy your karma when you reincarnate.”
Yuki waved her wand as she bid her farewell to Mikuru,
“Goodbye.”
In an instant, the wand known as the “Star Ring something” gave an unusual glow, and the inexpensive flashlight flickered a few times.
“Kyaa~~!”
Mikuru held her head and wrapped herself into a bundle.
Though it’s hard to comprehend what kind of attack that was, we just know that it’s a very powerful one. Watching the screen alone, one can see many lasers being fired from the wand, it must be some terrifying magical spell capable of disintegrating Mikuru to the molecular level.
You have to hang in there. If we don’t arrange for a climax here, there won’t be another chance.
“Waaa! Aaa~~!”
Yet all Mikuru could do was scream in agony.
Normally, one would be feeling annoyed already by the uselessness of the female protagonist, but since she is just too cute, one is ready to tolerate that.
However, even if someone were willing to tolerate her, at this rate, Mikuru would be defeated. Under the mainstream concept of good triumphing over evil, the ending of this movie would provide a thinly-veiled satire on how those in power would always win in reality.
“……!”
Obviously the movie was not going to end like that. Standing in the side of justice, our last-minute hero is not going to just disappear like that when the story is approaching its end. An invisible hand would always arrive coincidentally, which is just plain impossible in real life, to repel evil and rescue the damsel in distress. Yet that was the scenario thought up by our director.
The person who came in to rescue Mikuru was of course Koizumi Itsuki. I mean, who else can it be? Without any subplots, there was simply no room to introduce new characters anyway.
In the nick of time, Itsuki grabbed Mikuru and successfully dodged Yuki’s attack. Yuki’s magic beams seem to be coordinating with the stunt as they were slowed down as well.
“Are you all right, Asahina-san?”
After saying that, Itsuki turned to face Yuki and stretched his arm towards her,
“I can’t allow you to hurt her. Yuki-san, please show some mercy.”
Seeing Itsuki standing with his legs wide open in front of a worn-out Mikuru, determined to protect the pretty girl at any cost, Yuki showed signs of contemplation as she looked at the cat on her shoulder. She’s probably thinking if she can’t get Itsuki on her si
de, should she kill him along with Mikuru as well?
Yet, it was an unexpected character who answered that question for her,
“What’s there to think about? All you need to do is steal that young man’s conscience. I hear that you have the ability to mind control other people. So just mind control him and then lure him to somewhere safe. Then you can easily eliminate this girl who dares stand against you.”
The one speaking was Shamisen, so you could guess how horrified I was. I specifically told him many times not to talk, and he just wouldn’t shut up. He can forget about his meal tonight.
“Understood.”
The ever composed Yuki lightly tapped her star-shaped wand on Shamisen’s head, and the cat quickly shut his mouth.
Yuki then spoke as though talking to herself,
“That was ventriloquism.”
After announcing that as a matter-of-fact, she raised her Star-whatever god-damned wand and said,
“Then bring it on, Koizumi Itsuki. I will make you into my puppet.”
After some cheap sound effects, a flash of lightning emitted from the star-shaped tip of the wand.
Needless for me to say, one can pretty much guess how things are going to develop, so I’ll just make a brief description of what follows.
To make things simple, Itsuki’s hidden power has now been released to its maximum potential. Not even aware of it himself, Itsuki, being forced into a hopeless situation, now finds his secret power being awakened and has become a full-fledged esper. This esper power is so great that it can’t be controlled, not even by Itsuki himself. Using this mysterious power, which is probably caused by emotional turmoil, he managed to reflect all of Yuki’s offensive and attacked the black-cloaked alien with all his might.
“……How unfortunate.”
“Meow~.”
Leaving these two lines, the enigmatic partners Yuki and Shamisen were blasted off into the far end of the universe, making an unimpressive yell of defeat.
After sending off Yuki and Shamisen, Itsuki turned around and said softly to the female lead,
“It’s all over now, Asahina-san,”
Mikuru lifted her terrified little face and looked at Itsuki with what seemed like glowing eyes.
Itsuki stretched his arm to pull Mikuru up to her feet, then placed his hands on the balcony rail as he looked up to the skies. Following his gaze, Mikuru also looked upwards; the camera also did the same and turned towards the clear blue skies.
It’s obvious this pan-up technique was used because no one knew how to connect the scenes properly.
Under the cherry-blossom filled streets on a cool autumn day, Mikuru and Itsuki walked side by side with each other. How infuriating to see that the waitress costume actually matches well with the school’s uniform.
Coincidentally, a strong gust of wind came wooshing in, blowing the scattered cherry blossom petals into little spirals. For the whole movie, only this scene was genuinely natural.
Carrying a smile, Itsuki took down the petals which had fallen onto Mikuru’s silky hair. Looking embarrassed, Mikuru’s cheeks now reddened, and she slowly closed her eyes.
The camera focus then suddenly moved away from the two of them and into the blue autumn skies above. Why are we doing a pan-up again?
The ending theme, which was randomly nicked from somewhere, now begins to play as the credits roll.
Last but not least, a post-filming narrative was added in the end. And so this SOS Brigade presentation, the story of “Asahina Mikuru’s Adventure Episode 00,” now ends in a very confusing manner.
It was rare to have a movie that was messy from beginning to end. If this sort of mix-and-match thingy can be called a movie, then it would be too disrespectful to those who actually give their all to seriously produce movies. Yet for some reason, this horrid movie was actually quite popular. At first, this movie was supposed to be screened together with the other movies made by the Film Club, but in the end our movie had shoved aside all their productions and occupied the screening room’s projector. I hear this was to give in to the growing audience demand for the movie, but this was mainly due to someone making a lot of noise in lobbying for it. Of course the fact that Asahina-san had a lot of admirers also helped.
I later heard that the poor guys at the Film Club were forced to screen their movies in broken segments whenever they had the opportunity.
As no fee was charged, we naturally did not make any money. Yet the movie’s success prompted the producer-director to begin drafting plans for a sequel. She even made an edited version titled “Asahina Mikuru’s Adventure Director’s Cut,” which was burnt into DVD to be sold in the market. Both a teary-eyed Asahina-san and I are now in the process of convincing her to let go of that idea.
Though no matter what she decides to do, we’ll always end up in a mess. Forget it, it’s going to be some time before it becomes a mess, if the SOS Brigade still exists by then.
……It’ll still exist, right?
I guess I have to ask a time traveler that question then. I just hope the information’s not classified - I quietly tell myself.
Charmed at First Sight LOVER
It all began with an annoying phone call.
It’s always like this every year. Once Christmas is over, all the festive feeling simply vanishes without a trace. As we count down towards the end of the year, when Haruhi would begin the activities that she’d come up with, I had a brief period of winter vacation in which I could get some breathing space.
At that time, I was busy with the end-of-year spring cleaning chores, while wrestling with Shamisen in my room,
“Hold still. Be a good boy, it’ll be over soon,”
“Meow~”
I ignored his protests and lifted up the twisting furball, with new fur grown for winter, holding him under my armpit.
Memories of the time Shamisen reduced my cherished jean jacket to a piece of worthless cloth serve as a painful reminder to regularly cut his claws. Shamisen also seems to have a good memory as well for a cat, as every time he sees me walking towards him with a nail cutter, he would always attempt to escape at the fastest speed possible.
It was a nightmare trying to catch him, as I had to hold down a cat that would claw, kick and bite endlessly, while I tried to straighten his paws in order to cut his claws to a reasonable length, one by one. My hands would always be covered in claw marks once it was over, but while physical wounds can always be healed, the embroidery on my jean jacket can never be mended, so I dare not relax for a moment. How I miss the days when he could eerily speak and understand the human language. What happened to the straight-talking you?
Forget it, if he starts speaking again, it means something big has happened again. A cat ought to behave like one and just make meowing noises.
As I was done trimming the claws on Shamisen’s right front paw and was working towards his left front paw…
“Kyon-kun! You’ve got a phone call!”
Barging into my room without knocking was my sister, carrying the cordless phone in her hand. When she saw Shamisen struggling in a battle of dignity and authority between cat and human, she smiled,
“Ah, Shami, do you need help cutting your claws? Let me help!”
Shamisen turned his gaze away from her, as though she were a busybody, and snorted like a human. I once asked my sister to help me cut his nails. At that time we split our tasks; I was in charge of holding his paws while my sister was in charge of the cutting. Unfortunately this eleven-year-old fifth grader didn’t know when she was going too far, so she didn’t have the talents for cutting nails either. In the end she cut far too deep into Shamisen’s nails and he went on a hunger strike for a week in protest. Compared to her, my cutting skills were obviously better, but as always he would still run and claw everywhere. Are the brains of a cat as big as their foreheads?
“Who is it?”
I put down the nail cutter and picked up the phone receiver. Seeing a chance to escape, Shamisen quickly je
rked loose and kicked off my knee before finally running out of the room.
My sister happily picked up the nail cutter and said,
“Um… it’s a guy. I don’t know him, but he says he’s your friend!”
She then ran off to chase after Shamisen and disappeared into the corridor outside. I stared at the phone and thought,
Who could it be? If it’s a guy, then it couldn’t be Haruhi or Asahina-san. If it was Koizumi, then my sister would’ve recognized him as well. Taniguchi, Kunikida and my other friends would always call me on my cell phone, not my home phone. If it’s some boring telephone poll or salesperson, they can go to hell… I thought as I pushed the talk button.
“Hello?”
“Hi, is that Kyon? It’s me, it’s been a while.”
As the rough voice said the first sentence, wrinkles appeared on my forehead.
Who the hell’s this guy? I never heard this voice before.
“It’s me! We were in the same class in junior high, remember? Do you know how much I’ve sighed during the past six months as I was thinking of you?”
What the!? That’s gross!
“Identify yourself. Who are you?”
“It’s Nakagawa. We were still classmates a year ago, have you forgotten after just a year? Or have you made new friends in high school and now you’ve forgotten all your classmates from junior high? How cold-hearted!”
The voice in the phone sounded very sad, yet…
“Of course not,”
I opened my memory banks and retraced my memories in my third year of junior high. Nakagawa, huh… I think I remember there was such a person in my class. He was a wide-headed, broad-shouldered, and a muscular athletic looking guy. I think he was in the Rugby Club.
But… I once again looked at the receiver.
We were only classmates in our third year, and we weren’t particularly close to each other. We hung out with different groups in class. While we would occasionally greet each other when we walked by, I definitely don’t remember ever having a conversation with him. After graduation, Nakagawa’s name and appearance never even registered once in my mind.
Volume 6 - The Wavering of Suzumiya Haruhi Page 6