by Ava March
“No, they weren’t foolish hopes.” Gabriel held his gaze, those grass-green eyes filled with conviction.
The revelation smacked into Anthony, stunning him. Held his mind in shock.
That’s what Gabriel had meant when he’d written in his letter that he had chosen Anthony. ...I would have you know she wasn’t my choice. You were... It hadn’t been merely that Gabriel had wanted to be with him and not Charlotte. But that Gabriel had committed himself to Anthony that night at the pond.
And you have my thanks... For choosing me.
That line from the letter... Gabriel had believed Anthony had committed himself to Gabriel in return.
And...that was exactly what Anthony had felt the following morning. He had awoken with his heart filled with hope and a sense of peace that only came with a promise forged from iron.
To learn that his young heart hadn’t run away from him and assumed far more than Gabriel had intended...
Somehow it didn’t bring the pain back, but acted as a sort of comfort. His instincts had been correct. He hadn’t been a foolish adolescent. His pain had been justified.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you,” Gabriel said, brows lowered, contrition weighing down his voice.
“You’re forgiven.” And he meant it.
“I’m...” Gabriel gave a start. “But I betrayed you.”
“Yes, you did.” God, it rather hurt to say that, but it also felt good in a way. “But we were young and I understand now what drove you to do it. What matters is that you are sorry. And you’ve since accepted that you prefer men, so it won’t happen again.”
“I won’t ever betray you again,” Gabriel vowed. “Even in London, when I lied to you and hid from you, I was always faithful to you. I never wanted another. Never was tempted by another. Never touched another. But...how can you...” Eyes closing, he turned his head. “How can you forgive me? I don’t deserve it.”
“Gabriel, yes, you do.” Anthony stepped forward, closed the distance between them, and made to take Gabriel in his arms. Yet as soon as Anthony touched him, Gabriel flinched, sidestepped, moving out of reach. “You do deserve forgiveness,” Anthony beseeched him. “Everyone deserves it from the people who care about them.”
Gabriel shook his head. “I should have stayed true to you.”
“Yes, you should have. But that’s in the past. I forgive you. That’s all that should matter.”
At a loss, Anthony studied Gabriel, who had crossed his arms over his chest, his entire body held tight as an archer’s bow. He didn’t know what to say, what to do. All he knew was that Gabriel needed to let go of his guilt. Let go of the past, if they had a hope of moving forward together.
“Do you want to be happy?” Anthony asked.
After a long moment, Gabriel nodded once. “But I don’t deserve—”
“Everyone deserves to be happy, Gabriel. Don’t keep yourself from it.”
“I’m not keeping myself from it.” Defensive, tetchy and a tad sulky.
“Yes, you are. I can’t force you to accept forgiveness. That is something you need to do. You need to realize and accept that you do deserve to be happy.”
And Anthony stopped talking, stopped prodding and waited for Gabriel’s response.
The house was so very quiet around them. Not even a single creak of floorboards from someone else moving about upstairs or below stairs. Anthony was so accustomed to living either with his family or at his bachelor apartments, that such complete and utter silence unnerved him. Yet he resisted the urge to fill the void. He needed to give Gabriel time to think, to process what Anthony had said to him.
Gabriel had held on to his guilt and regret for years. Anthony could well understand it would take more than a shrug and an all right for Gabriel to fully let it go.
“It’s hard,” Gabriel finally said, his lips barely moving.
“I suspect it is.” He’d had his own bout of struggles as a youth, but in the end, he had decided to reach for what he wanted with both hands. Even dim-witted fools deserved a spot of happiness in their lives.
“That’s... That’s why...” A heavy furrow wrinkled Gabriel’s brow, as if he was struggling to find the words. As if he was just now finding them and had to dust them off a bit before he could give them voice. “That’s why I began gambling heavier. I needed the win, not only to distract me from the relief and guilt at having been freed from my penance of a marriage, but because I knew—I felt—deep down, I didn’t deserve to be with you.” He looked to Anthony. “You said you’ve always wanted to be with me. Why?” he asked, as if he truly couldn’t comprehend how Anthony could want him.
It didn’t escape Anthony’s notice that Gabriel had changed the knew to a felt. A step in the right direction. “Because—Wait. Being with me drove you to gamble heavier?”
Gabriel nodded. “I didn’t think about it at the time, but...yes. And it wasn’t you or anything you did or did not do. It was me. I felt unworthy of your affection, of your open heart. And I became afraid I’d hurt you again. So I tried to stay away but I couldn’t stay away completely. I’d come back to you and you were so perfect, welcoming me, wanting me, and I couldn’t take the guilt.”
“I highly doubt I was perfect. In fact, I know I am not. But it is kind of you to think so.” He gave Gabriel a self-conscious half smile. His heart went out to Gabriel, for all the man had put himself through. “I wish you would have talked to me, though. Said something. At least told me about the gambling. I wouldn’t have judged you.”
“I know. But I didn’t know how.”
Gabriel wouldn’t, would he? He was a man who kept his innermost thoughts well guarded. Even as a boy at Eton, Gabriel had been a quiet one, tending to keep to himself. Like he had done during the house party. Standing apart from others. Not joining in games. Well accustomed to his solitary behavior, his siblings had shrugged him off, left him to himself, which likely hadn’t helped matters.
Yet Anthony had been able to occasionally pull Gabriel out of himself. And each instance—their evening at the theatre, their walk about Hyde Park, their nights together in bed and their first night together by the pond—had filled Anthony with happiness. To see Gabriel smile, to watch his guard go down. To share the moment as Gabriel enjoyed himself. And in those moments, he felt in perfect harmony with Gabriel. Like they fit together.
“I’ve always wanted to be with you because I’ve always known we were meant to be together,” Anthony said, finally answering Gabriel’s question. “How I’ve known? I couldn’t exactly say. It was just a feeling I had whenever I was around you, and I’ve never felt that with anyone else. God help me, I know because I’ve looked for it throughout most of London. I wanted to be near you. I wanted to make you smile. I wanted you to make me smile. I will admit there was a time or two when I doubted myself. Wondered whether I was wrong. Whether you really weren’t the one for me. But I’m not wrong, am I, Gabriel?”
As if in a daze, Gabriel shook his head. “You aren’t wrong. I felt it too.” Then he squeezed his eyes shut, bowed his head, as if he’d just been struck by the most painful of blows. “I’m sorry, Anthony,” he said, voice breaking. “I hurt you and I threw away years, when those years could have been with you.”
And Anthony couldn’t hold back another moment. He took Gabriel in his arms, held him close. For a brief second, Gabriel went stiff. Then Anthony felt the tension leave his body. Strong arms wrapped around Anthony’s waist. Warm lips brushed his ear.
“I’m so sorry,” Gabriel whispered.
“I know, and I forgive you.”
He felt the breath leave Gabriel’s lungs in a long, slow sigh. Like a sigh of reprieve. Of finding home. “Thank you.” The words were spoken so softly they barely had sound, yet Anthony’s heart heard them as if Gabriel had shouted.
Gabriel had accepted his forgiveness. There
was hope for them. Hell, far more than hope.
And then those lips brushing his ear were gliding across his cheek in the softest of caresses. The arms around his waist tightened, pulling him closer, flush up against Gabriel’s strong, lean body. And Gabriel’s mouth was on his, touch tentative at first before Gabriel dove in, claimed Anthony’s mouth. As if he was claiming Anthony as his own.
Likely because he was.
Anthony’s heart swelled near to bursting. He gave Gabriel control of the kiss for an endless moment, then reaching up, he threaded his fingers through Gabriel’s hair, grabbed hold of the short strands. And slanted his mouth over Gabriel’s.
A moan rumbled Gabriel’s throat. And Anthony drank it up. Tongues twining, stroking. Desire rushing through him. Hands palmed his arse, grip firm and secure. Gabriel nudged his hips forward, pressing the hard length of his erection against Anthony’s.
A heavy bolt of lust almost brought him to his knees. Oh hell. They needed to find a bed, and soon.
“Bedroom. Upstairs?” Anthony asked, panting for breath.
A nod from Gabriel.
“And no servants in the house, correct?”
“Correct. Pensioned them off soon after I arrived.”
Which would mean no servants in the morning, either. He would get to wake up beside Gabriel. A smile spread across his mouth. “Let’s go upstairs.”
“Yes.” A quick kiss from Gabriel, then the man looked to his right. “The safe. I should shut it before we retire.”
“Likely wise.” Anthony took a step back, releasing his hold on Gabriel. Then he grabbed his saddlebag from the floor.
There was a metallic snick as Gabriel closed the safe. Turning from the small steel door set into the wall, he pocketed the key. “I’m so happy you came to Derbyshire,” Gabriel said, and he actually smiled, lips wet and reddened from their kisses. “It was the most pleasant of surprises to find you on my doorstep tonight.”
Anthony tried but failed to keep the smile on his own lips.
The delay. The damned three weeks that had passed before he had found Gabriel’s letter. Three weeks that Anthony now knew had been filled with doubt and pain for Gabriel. Three weeks he could have spared Gabriel if only...
Enough. Gabriel had been honest with him, and Anthony needed to give that same level of stark bare honesty in return. In any case, he had promised himself he would tell Gabriel the truth. Gabriel was giving him the opening, and Anthony would not sidestep around it again with an excuse the conversation needed to remain focused on Gabriel. They’d exhausted that topic already. Gabriel was happy and smiling, with the past behind them. Therefore, Anthony needed to seize the opportunity before him now.
Yet he looked down to his shoes as he said, “I’m sorry it took me so long to respond to your letter, but you see... I...I didn’t know you had written me. I don’t pay any mind to the post because...” He tightened his hold on his saddlebag, as if the bag alone could somehow give him the courage he needed. “I can’t read. And it’s not that I never learned,” he added, before Gabriel could ask. “It’s that I can’t, no matter my efforts.”
He heard the sound of footsteps as Gabriel rounded the desk. “Then how did you know to come?”
“Yesterday, it occurred to me perhaps you had written. I went through everything until I found one letter I thought could be from you.” He rolled one shoulder. “I had to take it to Pelham, ask him to read it to me.” He let out a little harrumph, an extremely poor excuse for a huff of laughter, and briefly glanced up at Gabriel before turning his attention back to his shoes. To his relief, he had seen no pity in those green eyes. Only confusion and concern. “That’s why I have Morgan and Drake with me. Given your current situation, Pelham insisted I not travel without them. He’s a very good friend, though very stubborn.”
“Morgan mentioned an instruction that they remain close to you.”
“Guarding us like we’re a pair of innocent young misses.” Another humorless harrumph. “I had to admit to my good friend that I’m an illiterate idiot. And now I’ve admitted it to you. As I recently told you, I’m far from perfect. Why do you think I understood why you worked so hard to hide your gambling problems? I know how it feels to want to hide a weakness from everyone, especially someone you care about.”
“You’re not an idiot, Anthony. Do not talk about yourself that way,” Gabriel said, with an odd blend of kind compassion and anger, as if he was upset Anthony thought so poorly of himself. “Have you considered that maybe you need spectacles?”
Anthony gave his head a shake. Gabriel didn’t understand. If the solution was as simple as procuring a pair of spectacles, he would have done so ages ago. “It’s not that I can’t see the words clearly on a page. It’s that the letters get all jumbled and mixed up, and I can’t make sense of them. Trust me, I have tried and nothing helps. I can identify individual letters, that’s about it.”
“Then how did you get by at Eton?”
He shrugged. “I avoided lessons whenever possible. Spent a lot of time roaming the corridors and the grounds, getting into spots of trouble. The headmaster was not fond of me.”
“That explains a lot. I had always figured you were a bit wild. I rather envied you for it.”
“I assure you, it was nothing to envy.”
“And, Anthony...”
At Gabriel’s pause, Anthony took a deep breath and pulled his attention from his very uninteresting brown shoes.
There was that smile again curving Gabriel’s mouth. Except now it held not only happiness, but a distinct sense of comfort. “I still think you’re perfect.”
A laugh burst from Anthony’s throat, the tension and dread lifting from his shoulders. Trust Gabriel to find him perfect, faults and all. By God, they truly were meant for each other. “Take me to your bed.”
And that smile turned positively sinful. “Gladly.”
Chapter Seventeen
Standing beside the bed, Gabriel kicked his feet free of his trousers and smallclothes. Yet before he made to extinguish the candle on the bedside table, he paused to simply soak up the moment.
Anthony was sprawled on his back on Gabriel’s bed. Legs slightly spread, arms casually at his sides. He appeared completely comfortable just lying there, waiting for Gabriel to join him. The candlelight flickered over his gloriously nude body. The light dusting of blond hair on his strong chest, the slight taper of his waist, the hard erection jutting from between his thighs. Thighs Gabriel wanted wrapped around his waist, yet he didn’t make a move to join Anthony. At least not yet.
“I’ve never shared this bed with another,” Gabriel said. When he had moved into the house, he’d ceded the largest bedchamber to his late wife and taken a smaller one for himself. He doubted she’d ever stepped foot in the room in all the years he’d lived there. It had always been his space and his alone. Yet to have Anthony here with him now felt so completely right.
A pleased smile curved Anthony’s mouth. “We can’t very well share it, though, until you get in the bed and join me.”
Gabriel inclined his head, conceding to Anthony’s point. “I’m merely admiring the view for a bit.”
Anthony arched a brow. “Are you, now?” He reached down, wrapped a hand around his cock and gave the length a slow, tantalizing stroke. “My view’s quite nice, as well,” he said, dragging his gaze down Gabriel’s bare body and making Gabriel’s skin tingle with awareness. Then that hot gaze traveled back up to Gabriel’s own, and now there was a hint of a challenge in those gray depths. “Go ahead, do it,” he whispered.
And somehow Gabriel knew exactly what Anthony was goading—well, encouraging—him to do. “Would it please you?”
Anthony nodded. “I want to watch.”
“Do you now?” To have maybe stumbled across something new that could drive Anthony particularly wild
with desire...
“Yes.” A touch of heat warmed the crests of Anthony’s cheekbones. “I want to watch you.”
A tremble of lust racked Gabriel’s spine. Emboldening him, shoving aside any trace of hesitation or shade of modesty.
In any case, Anthony had already taught him that hesitation and modesty had no place if the situation involved Anthony and a bed. That there was no reason at all to hold back and every reason to embrace his—and Anthony’s—desires.
“All right. But you need to keep your hands at your sides. No touching,” Gabriel said, wanting to know if watching alone could push Anthony to the edge, or if it was more the mutual aspect that thrilled his lover.
“Easy enough.” Anthony let go of his cock, let his arm drop to his side.
They would find out soon enough just how easy it’d be for Anthony to follow Gabriel’s request.
Widening his stance a tad, Gabriel reached down and took hold of his erection. He dragged his hand up and down the hard length. All the while, he kept his gaze locked on Anthony.
Anthony’s gaze, however, had followed Gabriel’s hand and had stuck there. Watching as Gabriel stroked his own cock, pleasured himself for his lover. Gabriel flicked his thumb over the tip, but the bit of moisture beading at the crown wasn’t enough. Briefly releasing himself, he spit into his palm.
A groan rumbled from Anthony’s chest.
Encouraged by that deliciously deep, low sound, Gabriel went back to stroking his cock, his hand gliding over the now-slick skin. A flush spread up Anthony’s neck, the rise and fall of his chest quickening. Anthony spread his legs a tad more, the move subtle and almost as though he did it without conscious thought. A sign of welcome for his lover.