The Musty Old Magical Curiosity Shop

by Dianne Carol Sudron

  “We’re from Cygnus Xi. It’s a wormhole,” piped up Pulsar.

  “Oh, I get your meaning,” said King Henry, and he laughed very loudly. “Some places around here are wormholes - or I could use a stronger word, but I won’t say it in front of the ladies. I also call them ratholes.”

  Cynthia and Tobias laughed, and the others laughed too.

  “Thank you very much for the wedding gift,” said King Henry as he shook Tobias’s hand. “And thank you very much for your gift, Stellar and Pulsar.”

  They had given King Henry a gold tray inlaid with gemstones and engraved with constellations. Cygnus Xi was one of the stars engraved on it.

  King Henry asked what it was.

  “It’s a map of the stars.”

  “I will take a look at that, but I admit I don’t know much about the heavens. I leave that to the court astrologer, Leo Starchase, but I may take it up as a hobby.”

  Stellar had also given him and Anne Boleyn matching goblets with gemstones and star maps on them - also featuring Cygnus Xi (the famous wormhole).

  King Henry had no idea Pulsar meant he came from another galaxy. He thought he was saying the place he came from was a fleapit. In 1533 there were a lot of fleas about, and some places had more than others. There were a lot of rats too, and the King had to employ ten rats-catchers at Hampton Court alone. Even so, the odd rat still found its way in; if he saw it, he’d hit it over the head with a frying pan, or anything else he could lay his hands on at the time.

  Anne Boleyn asked Cynthia where they had their clothes made, and she said they were made in Mrs Greensleeves’ shop. Anne Boleyn said they were the best designs she’d ever seen. There were slight differences to the normal couture of the day, especially in the outfits of Pulsar and Stellar, and Mrs Greensleeves used only the best materials, which cost a lot of money. The rose-quartz necklace Cynthia wore was the best Anne Boleyn had seen, she said, and Cynthia said she would get her one like it. King Henry wanted an outfit like the one Pulsar was wearing. He liked something a little bit unusual to wear; he liked to stand out in a crowd.

  “This isn’t my first marriage,” he piped up to Cynthia.

  “Oh, I know, King Henry!”

  “Oh?” said King Henry.

  “Well, Mrs Greensleeves told us,” piped up Pulsar.

  Tobias felt like saying, “And it won’t be your last!” but he said nothing.

  “Good Lord, I shouldn’t keep on getting married!” cried King Henry. “It costs too much.” Then he laughed and the others all joined in.

  Cynthia felt like saying, “Well, actually you’ll have Anne Boleyn’s head chopped off on May the 19th 1536 at the Tower of London. Then you’ll get married to wife number three, Jane Seymour, on May the 20th 1536 in York Place, and that marriage will end on October the 27th 1537. Then you’ll marry wife number four, Anne of Cleves, on January the 6th 1540. That marriage will end in 1540.” (Anne of Cleves was not to King Henry’s liking: she had a derrière as big as Flanders.) “Then you’ll marry wife number five, Catherine Howard, on July the 28th 1540, and that marriage will end on February the 13th 1542 - head chopped off. Wife number six, Catherine Parr, will marry you on July the 12th 1543 at Hampton Court. That marriage will end in 1547 when you pop your clogs.”

  King Henry would get married six times in total, but Cynthia wisely decided to say nothing about any of this.

  King Henry had a great sense of humour despite his many faults.

  Then the musicians started up again and they went back for some more dancing. They were all a bit merry with the punch and cider and wine, so Tobias decided to take photographs. Pulsar had taken some pictures of the wedding service, and Tobias had also managed to take a few while no one was looking. Now there were so many people dancing and laughing and eating and drinking that no one took any notice of what Tobias was up to. Cynthia made a few sketches of things, and Pulsar and Stellar took hundreds of digital photographs with their wristwatch communicators. Copies of these pictures would eventually be given to Cynthia and Tobias for their portfolios, and Cynthia was able to make paintings from the best ones.

  As all the guests were very merry, Tobias decided to ask the musicians to play a few songs from his own time. He quickly wrote out the music for a few songs from the 1960s and 1970s and presented them to the musicians, who agreed to give them a go.

  When the wedding guests heard this music they thought it was a bit strange at first, but Cynthia and Tobias started dancing. They did the twist, and then they started to dance freestyle, just moving all over the floor and freaking out. All the guests thought it was fantastic and they all took to the floor, dancing wildly.

  Pulsar and Stellar captured all the guests on their wristwatch communicators as they freaked out and danced wildly.

  They too thought the music was fantastic.

  Then Pulsar and Stellar persuaded the musicians to play their kind of music from Cygnus Xi. It was weird space-age-type music, and Pulsar did some sort of moonwalk. He pressed a button on his wristwatch communicator and some sort of disco spotlight came upon him. First it was orange, then it was blue, then white, then gold, then silver. His wristwatch communicator added a groovy beat to the music the musicians were playing, and then Stellar started to dance some sort of cosmic dance. As she danced she pressed a button on her wristwatch communicator and it looked like silver rain was falling on her - it also added a strobe-lighting effect. Then she pressed another button and smoke appeared.

  The wedding guests were mesmerised. They had never seen anything like it in their lives. They were all clapping, and some were shouting, “Bravo! Bravo!”

  King Henry and Anne Boleyn thought these guests were amazing. They thought maybe New York was a very fine place, and maybe Cygnus Xi was even more amazing.

  In the end it had turned out to be a very joyous and amazing wedding; King Henry and Anne Boleyn and the wedding guests would never ever forget it.

  Anne Boleyn Is Cloned

  After the wedding, Cynthia and Tobias stayed for a while in 1533. In fact, they were there for months. They learnt to horse-ride, and Tobias managed to take hundreds of photographs of the architecture and the streets and people. Cynthia painted hundreds of pictures. They met lots of people and they visited the Half Moon Tavern. They even had picnics in the woods near Hampton Court. However, they knew that even though Anne Boleyn was very happy during this time, someone would have to tell her that one day her husband would want to have her head chopped off, so she would have to be cloned so that she could be saved.

  Mabble Merlin decided she would have to visit the Musty Old Magical Curiosity Shop and he would have to tell her.

  Henry’s birthday was on 24 June, and when Anne Boleyn was thinking about buying a birthday present she noticed the Musty Old Magical Curiosity Shop. She was very happy to see such a nice little shop, and she went inside to get something special.

  Mabble Merlin decided to show her a crystal ball so she could see herself getting her head chopped off. He knew she wouldn’t like it, and possibly she would sob her eyes out, but he hoped she would realise he was trying to help her.

  Anne Boleyn hadn’t made up her mind what she would buy for a king that had everything. She thought she might buy him a hat or possibly some jewellery, or both.

  Mabble Merlin suddenly piped up: “How can I help you, Queen Anne Boleyn?”

  “Well, I have come in to buy King Henry a birthday present. It will be his birthday soon.”

  Mabble Merlin said, “Can I show you something that is very special? It can foretell the future, and it never lies.”

  Anne Boleyn said, “Why, yes, I would love to see something that foretells the future.”

  Mabble Merlin took out the crystal ball, and straight away it started to cloud over. There was a huge clap of thunder (or it sounded like thunder) and Anne Boleyn jumped. She
just didn’t know what to think, or what she was going to see. Suddenly the crystal ball cleared and she saw, as clear as day, a horrible scene. It looked as though she was getting her head chopped off. She screamed so loudly Mabble Merlin thought everything in the shop would jump. Then she started to sob and sob and sob and sob.

  Mabble Merlin called Pulsar and Stellar, and he called for Cynthia and Tobias, and they all came to the shop immediately.

  Mabble Merlin gave Anne Boleyn a cup of tea, and some tissues to dry her eyes. Cynthia put her arm around her.

  “Don’t worry, Anne Boleyn,” she said. “We have a plan - a very good plan.”

  Then Mabble Merlin told Anne Boleyn what he planned to do: he would replace her with a clone, and she, the real Anne Boleyn, could stay out of harm’s way in the accommodation above the shop while the Anne Boleyn clone would go and have her head chopped off in her place. He pointed out to her that King Henry wouldn’t know the difference, and she could have a great laugh about that.

  Eventually Anne Boleyn calmed down. When Mabble Merlin explained what a clone was, she thought the plan was excellent, and she thanked him for helping her. She couldn’t believe Mabble Merlin was so nice to her. She bought King Henry a huge hat for his birthday and a gold necklace engraved with her name: Anne Boleyn. It turned out to be the last gift he ever received from her.

  Pulsar and Stellar said the twelve musicians of King Henry’s court were so fantastic that they wanted to take them with them when they all left 1533 with the real Anne Boleyn. Mabble Merlin agreed because he knew at least four of the musicians were also due to get their heads chopped off. King Henry could search high and low for them, but he’d never find them!

  Mabble Merlin had to get down to work on Anne Boleyn’s clone, so he wasted no time. She was taken to the Antimatter Fusion Teleportation Chamber, and she was beamed up to the Magical Mystery Tour headquarters, where the technicians made a clone of her. This didn’t take them long, and, when the clone had been completed, into Mabble Merlin’s shop walked two identical Anne Boleyns. Cynthia and Tobias couldn’t tell the difference, but Pulsar went straight up to the clone and took it out of the shop. He said, “This one can now go back to the court.”

  Anne Boleyn had already given her clone the birthday present for King Henry, and the clone was at Hampton Court before anyone realised Anne Boleyn was missing. The real Anne Boleyn of course stayed in accommodation above the shop, but Mabble Merlin told her that the mirror in her room at Hampton Court was magical and she could go and come back through the mirror.

  She said she might possibly go if King Henry went away to his castle in Kent, and if she felt a bit homesick, but she told Mabble Merlin she expected to enjoy her new life above the shop.

  The Four Just Men and the Pie Fight

  King Henry was getting rather sick of Anne Boleyn being so perfect. He didn’t know she was a clone, which was why she was able to do everything just perfectly, but he knew he was sick to his back teeth of her being so utterly perfect.

  One day he wanted to have fun, and to just do something different, so he said to his Four Just Men, who were standing close by, “Let’s do something different today. Let’s let our hair down.”

  His Four Just Men were Peter Pumpernickel, who hated to see food going to waste; Terry Barrels, who loved good beer; Ken Wolf, who always wolfed down his food without pausing for breath; and Ronnie Rumble, who was a bit on the huge side but nimble on his feet.

  King Henry’s Four Just Men always stood close to King Henry. They were just his friends whom he liked to have fun with, and on this day he decided it was time for fun. He told Ken Wolf that he wanted to get 2,000 pies and plenty of beer and just have a pie fight.

  “Can you go to the baker’s over the road in Orchard Court and get me 2,000 pies?” he said. “We’re going to have a pie fight today.”

  Ken rushed across to the baker’s to get the 2,000 pies, but the baker’s was no longer in Orchard Court. The baker had moved to Tintagel, and the Musty Old Magical Curiosity Shop was now in its place.

  While Ken was wondering what to do next, Cynthia, Tobias and Pulsar came walking along the road, and Ken asked them if they knew where he could get 2,000 pies.

  “Well,” said Pulsar, “I think we can help you. We can get you 2,000 pies - don’t worry about that.”

  “Oh, thank goodness for that!” said Ken. “I remember now - Hector Spice went to Cornwall, and he opened a shop down in Tintagel called The Cornish Pasty.”

  Pulsar went into the Musty Old Magical Curiosity Shop and asked Mabble Merlin for 2,000 pies. Mabble Merlin had to send an order through to headquarters to get 2,000 pies, but in a very short time 2,000 pies were beamed down from the headquarters bakery - and they made the best pies ever. The only worry was that King Henry might like the pies so much he wouldn’t want to have the pie fight, but there were enough pies to have a pie fight and also to eat some of them. Mabble Merlin hoped the pie fight would cheer King Henry up, because he felt a bit guilty about cloning his wife and he knew the clone was a bit too perfect for the King’s liking.

  Pulsar helped Ken Wolf to take the 2,000 pies back to Hampton Court.

  King Henry thought it was great to see so many pies, and Ken Wolf put them all on the large table in the dining room. Peter Pumpernickel also thought they looked good - good enough to eat. He didn’t like to see food going to waste. He was just about to eat one of the pies when King Henry threw one of the pies at him and started the pie fight.

  The Four Just Men (Ken Wolf, Peter Pumpernickel, Terry Barrels and Ronnie Rumbles) and King Henry were soon having a great time, throwing the pies at one another. They threw pies for hours and hours.

  Anne Boleyn looked in, and the dining room by that time was such a mess. There were pies everywhere. But she just said, “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I will have to clean all this up later.”

  King Henry told the Four Just Men that Anne Boleyn was too perfect and that she stayed up all night writing, and when he got up in the morning she was still writing. He said she was so perfect that it was really getting on his nerves.

  “She’s so perfect; she’s too perfect. She’s like a clone,” King Henry shouted as he threw another pie. The very thought put him in a temper.

  Little did he know that Anne Boleyn really was a clone.

  Peter Pumpernickel was feeling a bit sick of all the food going to waste, so he decided to lie on the floor and pretend he was too tired to keep throwing pies. Actually every time a pie fell on him he scoffed it, and it was very delicious. Peter had never tasted pies like that before. They were so different! He couldn’t stop scoffing them whenever King Henry’s back was turned.

  “Come on! Get up, Peter, and join in,” shouted King Henry, but Peter pretended to be too tired and he continued to scoff the pies behind the others’ backs. Sometimes one half of the pie was chicken and one half was rhubarb.

  ‘A delicious sweet and savoury pie!’ he thought.

  After the pie fight the room was an absolute mess. All the pies were squashed and broken, and the men were covered with splattered pies. By this time they were all so tired, and they all fell asleep on the dining-room floor.

  Queen Anne Boleyn’s clone came in with one of her ladies-in-waiting, who was named Beth Silks, and they picked all of the pies up off the floor and cleaned the room and carried the Four Just Men and King Henry up to their rooms and put them to bed.

  Razzamatazz

  King Henry was so sick of Anne Boleyn being so perfect. She was too perfect. When she ironed his clothes, she ironed them perfectly with neat creases. She put the heavy iron on the fire until it was hot, and ironed shirts all night long. She even ironed his leggings.

  King Henry didn’t like it one little bit, and one day he said to the Four Just Men that he couldn’t stand it any longer. He told them he was thinking of chopping her head off.

 
The Four Just Men thought he was being silly, but the idea was nagging away in Henry’s mind. He couldn’t sleep some nights, so he went out on his horse, and one night he galloped all the way to York. In York Woods it just so happened that he saw a young lady riding a white horse, and he decided he would talk to her. He found out her name was Jane Seymour.

  When he got back to Hampton Court he still couldn’t sleep, and he was very tired the next day. He sat in the drawing room with his Four Just Men wondering what to do.

  Peter Pumpernickel said, “Shall we have another pie fight, King Henry?”

  Henry was so mad and fed up that he said, “Off with you, Pumpernickel,” and he gave him such a push that he whizzed along the floor and bounced off the wall. King Henry shouted, “Make yourself scarce, Pumpernickel, or it will be ‘off with your head’ next!”

  The other three men also made themselves scarce, as King Henry was in such a rage.

  King Henry stomped across the drawing room and tripped over the rat-catching cat, which was called Razzamatazz, and he said, “Off with your head, you silly fat cat, for getting in my way! Don’t you know I’m the King?”

  The cat replied, “I am Razzamatazz, the rat-catcher.”

  King Henry thought he’d had too much of the ale - a new brand named Grog Ale that Bartholomew Mead had brought in for him to taste.

  ‘I’ve had too much grog and too little sleep,’ he told himself. ‘Now I’m imagining that cats can talk.’

  He had also had too much of Anne Boleyn writing in the night, so he made up his mind that that night he’d get on his horse and gallop all the way to York to see the mysterious Jane Seymour on her white horse.

  Suddenly Mog Og woke up. He had been having a bit of a nightmare and in his sleep he’d heard King Henry shouting, “Off with your head, you silly fat cat!” Mog Og thought the King meant him.