At three o'clock precisely ah was at Baker Street, but Holmes had not yet returned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' lan'lady info'med me thet he had lef' th' house sho'tly af'er eight o'clock in th' mo'nin'. ah sat down beside th' fire, howevah, wif th' intenshun of awaitin' him, howevah long he might be. ah was already deeply interested in his inquiry, fo', though it was surroun'ed by none of th' grim an' peekoolyar features which were assosheeated wif th' two crimes which ah have already reco'ded, still, th' nature of th' case an' th' exalted stashun of his client gave it a chareecker of its own, as enny fool kin plainly see. Indeed, apart fum th' nature of th' investigashun which mah friend had on han', thar was sumpin in his masterly grasp of a situashun, an' his keen, incisive reasonin', which made it a pleasure t'me t'study his system of wawk, an' t'foller th' quick, subtle methods by which he disentangled the dawgoned-est inextricable mahsteries. So accestomed was ah to his invariable success thet th' mighty postibility of his failin' had ceased t'enter into mah haid.
It was close upon four befo'e th' dore opened, an' a drunkenlookin' groom, ill-kempp an' side-whiskered, wif an inflamed face an' disrepeetayble clo'es, walked into th' room, dawgone it. Accestomed as ah was t'mah friend's amazin' powers in th' use of disguises, ah had t'look three times befo'e ah was sartin thet it was indeed he. Wif a nod he vanished into th' bedroom, whence he emerged in five minutes tweed-sueyted an' respeckable, as of old, cuss it all t' tarnation. Puttin' his han's into his pockets, he stretched out his legs in front of th' fire an' laughed heartily fo' some minutes.
"Well, real! Right on!" he cried, an' then he choked an' laughed agin until he was obliged t'lie back, limp an' he'pless, in th' chair.
"Whut in tarnation is it?"
"It's quite too funny. Slap mah fro! ah' am sho' man ya' could neva' guess how ah' employed mah' mo'nin', o' whut ah' ended by hangin'."
"ah cain't imagine. ah suppose thet yo' haf been watchin' th' habits, an' perhaps th' house, of Miss Irene Adler."
"Quite so; but da damn sequel wuz rada' unusual. ah' gots'ta tell ya', however. Ah be baaad... ah' left da damn crib some little afta' eight o'clock dis mo'nin' in de characta' of some groom out uh wo'k. Ya' know? Dere be a wonderful sympady and freemasonry among ho'sy men. 'S coo', bro. Be one uh dem, and ya' gots'ta know all dat dere be to know, so cut me some slack, Jack. ah' soon found Briony Lodge. It be a bijou villa, wid some garden at da damn back. Ya' know? but built out in front right down t'de road, two sto'ies. Chubb lock t'de doo'. Large sittin'-room on de right side, well furnished, wid long windows mos' t'de floo', and dose preposterous English window fasteners which some child could open. 'S coo', bro. Behind dere wuz nodin' remarkable, save dat da damn passage window could be reached fum de top uh de coach-crib. ah' walked round it and 'esamined it closely fum every point uh view, but widout notin' nuthin else uh interest. Man!
"I den lounged waaay down de street and found, as ah' 'spected, dat dere wuz some mews in some lane which runs waaay down by one wall uh de garden. 'S coo', bro. ah' lent da damn ostlers some hand in rubbin' waaay down deir ho'ses, and received in 'shange twopence, some glass uh half and half, two fills uh shag tobacco, and as much info'mashun as ah' could desire about Miss Adler, t'say nodin' uh half some dozen oda' sucka's in de neighbo'hood in whom ah' wuz not in de least interested, but whose biographies ah' wuz compelled t'listen to. 'S coo', bro."
"An' whut of Irene Adler?" ah axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Oh, she gots turned all de men's haids waaay down in dat part. Man! She be de daintiest doodad unda' a bonnet on dis planet. Man! So's say de Serpentine-mews, t'a man. 'S coo', bro. She lives quietly, raps at concerts, rolls out at five every day, and returns at seven sharp fo' dinner. Ah be baaad... Seldom goes out at oda' times, 'sept when she raps. Gots only one male visito', but some baaaad deal uh him. He be dark, handsome, and dashin', neva' calls less dan once some day, and often twice. He be a Mr. Godfrey No'ton, uh de Inna' Temple. See da damn advantages uh a cabman as some confidant. Man! Dey had rolln him crib some dozen times fum Serpentine-mews, and knowed all about him. When ah' had listened t'all dey had t'tell, ah' began t'walk down and waaay down near Briony Lodge once mo'e, and t'dink upside my plan uh campaign. 'S coo', bro.
"Dis Godfrey No'ton wuz evidently an impo'tant facto' in de matter. Ah be baaad... He wuz some lawyer. Dat sounded ominous. Whut wuz de relashun between dem, and whut de object uh his repeated visits? Wuz she his client, his homey, o' his mistress? If de fo'mer, she had probably transferred da damn photograph t'his keepin'. If de latter, it wuz less likesly. Slap mah fro! On de issue uh dis quesshun depended wheda' I should continue mah' wo'k at Briony Lodge, o' turn mah' attenshun t'de gentleman's chambers in de Temple. It wuz some delicate point. Man! and it widened da damn field uh my inquiry. Slap mah fro! ah' fear dat ah' bo'e ya' wid dese details, but ah' have t'let ya' see mah' little difficulties, if ya' is to dig it de situashun."
"ah's follerin' yo' closely," ah answered, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"ah was still balancin' th' matter in mah mind when a hansom cab drove up t'Briony Lodge, an' a juntleman sprang out. He was a remarkably hansum man, dark, aquiline, an' moestached-- evidently th' man of whom ah had heard, cuss it all t' tarnation. He appeared t'be in a great helter-skelter, shouted t'th' cabman t'wait, an' brushed past th' maid who opened th' dore wif th' air of a man who was tho'oughly at home.
"He wuz in de crib about half an hour, and ah' could catch glimpses uh him in de windows uh de sittin'-room, pacin' down and waaay down, rappin' 'sitedly, and wavin' his arms. Of ha' I could see nodin'. Presently he emerged, lookin' even mo'e flurried dan befo'e. As he stepped down t'de cab, he pulled some gold watch fum his pocket and looked at it earnestly, 'Drive like the bloomin' divvy,' he shouted, 'first ter Gross & 'ankey's in Regent Street, and then ter the chuffin' Church of St. Monica in the Edgeware Frog and Toad. Half a guinea if yer do it in twenty minutes! Struth!'
"Away dey went, and ah' wuz plum wonderin' wheda' I should not do well t'follow dem when down de lane came some diggin' hot little landau, de coachman wid his coat only half-buttoned, and his tie unda' his ear, while all de tags uh his harness wuz stickin' out uh de buckles. It hadn't pulled down befo'e she shot out uh de hall doo' and into it. Man! ah' only caught some glimpse uh ha' at da damn moment, but she wuz some lovely honky chick, wid some face dat some man might kick d' cud fo'.
"'De Church of St. Monica, Dgohn,' she cried, 'and half a sobeheign if you reach it in twebuhnty minoots.'
"This hyar was quite too fine t'lose, Watson, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah was jest balancin' whether ah sh'd helter-skelter fo' it, o' whether ah sh'd perch behind her lan'au when a cab came through th' street. Th' drivah looked twice at sech a shabby fare, but ah jumped in befo'e he c'd objeck. 'Th' Church of St. Mary Beth,' said I, 'an' ha'f a sovaheign eff'n yo' retch it in twenty minutes.' It was twenty-five minutes t'twelve, an' of course it was clear inough whut was in th' wind, cuss it all t' tarnation.
"Mah cabby drove fast. ah doesn't reckon ah evah drove faster, but t'others were thar befo'e us. Th' cab an' th' lan'au wif their steamin' houn'dogs were in front of th' dore when ah arrived, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah paid th' man an' hurried into th' church. Thar was not a soul thar save th' two whom ah had follered an' a surprised clergyman, who seemed t'be expostulatin' wif them, dawgone it. They were all three stan'in' in a knot in front of th' altar. ah lounged up th' side aisle like enny other idler who has dropped into a church. Suddenly, t'mah surprise, th' three at th' altar faced roun' t'me, an' Godfrey No'ton came runnin' as hard as he c'd towards me.
"Thank God," he cried. "Yer'll do. Come! Honest guv! Come! Honest guv!"
"Whut den?" ah' ax'ed.
"Come, man, come, only free minutes, or it won't be legal."
I wuz half-dragged down t'de altar, and befo'e ah' knowed where ah' wuz ah' found mah'self mumblin' responses which wuz whispuh'ed in mah' ear. Ah be baaad... and vouchin' fo' doodads uh which ah' knowed nodin', and generally assistin' in de secure tyin' down uh Irene Adler, spi
nster, t'Godfrey No'ton, bachelo'. It wuz all done in an instant, and dere wuz de gentleman dankin' me on de one side and da damn lady on de oder, while da damn clergyman beamed on me in front. Man! It wuz de most preposterous posishun in which ah' eva' found mah'self in mah' life, and it wuz de dought uh it dat started me laughin' plum now, so cut me some slack, Jack. It seems dat dere had been some info'mality about deir license, dat da damn clergyman absolutely refused t'marry dem widout some witness uh some so't, and dat mah' lucky appearance saved da damn bridegroom fum havin' t'sally out into de streets in search uh a best man. 'S coo', bro. De bride gave me some sovereign, and ah' mean t'wear it on mah' watch-chain in memo'y uh de occasion. 'S coo', bro."
"This hyar is a mighty unspecked turn of affairs," said I; "an' whut then?"
"Well, ah' found mah' plans real seriously menaced. It looked as if de pair might snatch an immediate departure, and so's necessitate real prompt and energetic measho' mans on mah' part. Man! At da damn church doo', however, dey separated, he drivin' back t'de Temple, and she t'ha' own crib. 'I shall dribe out in de park at fibe as usual,' she said as she left him. ah' heard no mo'e. Dey drove away in
A Bohemian Mess: Sherlock Holmes Mystery Page 4