by Bella Andre
He sensed her before she said a word, his eyes drinking her in.
"Nice outfit."
Her nipples beaded at his slow perusal of her outfit. But the truth was she was freaked out enough by what had happened between them then night before that she had to force a playful response.
"You should see what I have on under your shirt."
She moved to him and he ran his hands down her back, past the belt, then over the curve of her ass.
"You don't have anything on under it," he growled into her ear. He nipped at her neck. "We need to get you some clothes today."
"I thought you liked me just like this?"
"I do. But no one else gets to see what's mine." He pulled back, held her gaze. "You're all mine, Janica."
After last night, after the way he'd told her he was almost there, was this his way of asking her to be his girlfriend?
Torn between outright asking him and the promise she'd made to drop everything but having a good time for the next few days, she was trying to figure out what to say when the front door flung open.
Lily stood there, red-faced and panting as if she'd just run up the long staircase to the cabin. At first, relief was clear on her face. But it was quickly superseded by a strange combination of happiness and shock and dismay.
Luke's arms were instantly frozen around Janica, his muscles turning to ice against hers. His expression quickly followed suit.
Sixty seconds earlier, he'd been so open, so warm. Now he looked - and felt - as closed off as she'd ever seen him.
She wanted to rewind to yesterday so that she could call Lily and tell her she was all right. So that Lily wouldn't have to come here.
And accidentally ruin everything.
"Thank God you're here, Janica," Lily said, holding one hand over her heart, still standing in the doorway. "I've called you a hundred times. And when I went by your studio, your employees said they didn't know where you were. They said you've been calling to check in with them, not the other way around."
Janica hated feeling like a recalcitrant child. She hated that her sister had been worrying about her. But most of all she hated that she hadn't proactively dealt with the situation.
"I'm fine, Lils," she said, but even to her own ears, her voice sounded funny. Like she couldn't take in enough oxygen.
Luke's arms dropped from her waist and although she hadn't noticed him taking any steps away from her, suddenly there was distance between them.
A huge gap that hadn't been there five minutes ago
Suddenly she remember how it had been for them five years ago. They'd met several times to talk about Lily and Travis's budding relationship, they'd even flown to Italy together, just in time for the surprise wedding. She'd thought then that they were starting to build a connection, but as soon as they got back to San Francisco, back to the "real" world, Luke had changed back into the busy surgeon who couldn't be bothered with his wild sister-in-law. Even at family events his smile had gone from warm to cold, to treating her like she wasn't the least bit special.
Oh god. Even after everything they'd shared together - not just the lovemaking, but the little pieces of her heart that she'd so willingly given to him - he was going to do it again.
Looking at him, frozen and stiff as he continued to back away from her in the kitchen, Janica had never been more sure of anything in her life.
Her chest squeezed. She knew she needed to deal with Lily, but she couldn't pull her eyes from Luke.
And even though she knew better, she silently begged him, Please look at me like you did before, like you did last night when you were loving me. When I was loving you. Please look at me like you actually want me to be yours.
Her silent pleas went unheard.
"Janica and I were just-" He cut himself off, that muscle in his jaw jumping. "We were just talking." He wouldn't meet Janica's eyes as he moved even further away. "I'll let you two catch up," Luke said, and then he was heading past Lily out the front door of the cabin as fast as his feet would take him.
And all Janica could do was watch him go.
Before she even realized Lily was there beside her, her sister's arms were around her.
Stupid tears threatened. Lily shouldn't even count as the "real" world. And yet, the second she'd walked in the door, Luke had separated himself from Janica as if she were carrying a contagious--and deadly--disease.
"It wasn't real," she said aloud. "Not for him."
Lily pulled back and brushed the hair out of her eyes. "Janica, honey, I know he just acted really weird, but I think I stunned both of you and--"
Janica pushed out of her sister's arms. "But nothing. It was fun. That's it."
Knowing better than to crowd her when she was like this, Lily stayed where she was as she said, "When I walked in, Jan, the way he was looking at you--" She paused, making sure Janica was listening to her before she continued. "In all the years I've known him, he's never looked at a woman like that, honey. Only you."
Janica couldn't respond, not with her throat clogged with emotion, not when she was bound to become a sniveling fool if she so much as opened her mouth.
Lily grabbed a bar stool and sat down on it, her expression one of deep consideration. "I can't believe how blind I've been this whole time."
"Oh come on. Everyone and their dog has been able to see how I felt about him."
"Not you, Jan. Luke. He's in love with you."
Wanting to believe it so bad it hurt, Janica shook her head, hard enough to make her eyeballs hurt.
"No. He isn't."
But Lily clearly wasn't listening, because she was saying, "You know what? I think he's been in love with you the whole time. Ever since Travis and I got together."
It was exactly what Janica had wanted to her. But she couldn't believe it.
Not anymore.
"He didn't even like me."
"No, honey, he loved you. And it must have scared the crap out of him. I can't believe I didn't see it. No wonder he always worked so hard to keep his distance from you. Because if he didn't, he knew you'd get in and make him admit his love for you."
As close to the verge of falling apart as she'd ever been in her entire life, Janica said, "I know you're trying to help. But please. Stop."
Because Lily was only making it worse by filling Janica's head and heart with hopes and dreams and wishes.
"Honey, I just know he's going to realize what he did, how stupid it was, and come back in that door any second now to tell you he loves you."
"Then you don't know your best friend very well," Janica said, not with anger, but with a sure knowledge that killed her.
But Lily was, in her own way, just as stubborn as Janica, so she tried another angle. "I've never known you to run from something you want. You love him, Janica. That has to be worth fighting for."
"I've been fighting with everything I have!" Janica half yelled at her sister. Forcing herself to calm down, she said, "I thought I could keep fighting, but I-" Her voice started to shake and she had to stop, take a couple of deep breaths. "I was wrong. He can't even be with me around you. Now I don't even know what I'm fighting for, anymore."
"His love, Jan."
A lone tear slipped down Janica's cheek. "But can't you see, even if I get what I want, even if I force him to stay with me, no one wins?" She shook her head. "Because that isn't real love."
Janica took another deep breath. Steadied herself. "Sorry you had to come all the way out here to check on me." She made herself push forward even though all she wanted to do was throw herself into Lily's arms and sob her heart out. "I'll come by your house soon. Spend some time with you and the kids, okay?"
She knew Lily wanted to say a thousand more things, wanted to ask a thousand questions, but Janica simply couldn't let her do that, so she turned and went into the bedroom to go collect the few things she'd brought with her.
And to change out of Luke's shirt.
She wouldn't take any part of him that he didn't want
to give her. Not his clothes.
And definitely not his heart.
*
Lily found Luke out on the beach in front of the house.
"She's loved you for so long, Luke. You know that."
That was the thing about Lily, Luke thought. She looked so soft. So easy. But she was made of steel when she needed to be.
The exact opposite of her sister, who seemed to be all steel, but was really so soft and sweet at her core.
Knowing he was acting like a coward, he turned to face his friend and sister-by-marriage. "I should have had her call you. I should have known you'd be worried."
Lily gave him a small smile, shaking her head. "My favorite part of all of that is the part where you think you can actually make her do anything, Luke." And then, "How long have you been in love with her?"
He had to turn away from his friend again to stare out blankly at the rolling ocean at his feet.
Was that what this feeling was?
Love?
Fuck.
Could he really be falling in love with Janica? He never would have picked her if he'd had a choice.
Suddenly, he had to wonder, did he have a choice? And if not, what the hell was he going to do?
He knew he loved being with her, both in and out of bed. He knew that she made him feel happier, lighter. But he didn't know if that was enough.
If it could ever be enough.
When he didn't say anything, he felt Lily's hand on his arm. "Tell me what's wrong, Luke. I know she's my sister, and I dearly love both of you, but you can talk to me. I'm your best friend."
It was the strangest thing, but her words didn't sit right with him. Suddenly, it hit him why that was.
"No," he said slowly. "You're not."
Lily looked like he'd slapped her and he quickly reached for her hand. "I'm sorry. I can't seem to say or do anything right today. What I mean is that I know Travis is your best friend now. And that's exactly how it should be."
"But that doesn't mean that you and I--"
He cut her off with a quick brotherly kiss to her forehand. "I love you, Lily. You know that. But right now, you're not the person I need to be talking to." He looked up at the cabin. "And I have a feeling that if I don't get back up there right now, the woman I owe my explanations to is going to be gone before I get a chance to talk to her."
Chapter Twenty
Janica sat on the couch in the living room, her sketchpad on her thighs, her pencil in her hand. More than anything she wanted to bolt, wanted to hide. But she couldn't leave without saying goodbye, like a coward.
She couldn't leave without seeing Luke one more time.
She heard footsteps on the stairs and her heart started thumping in an out-of-control rhythm.
He was barely in the door when he said, "I'm sorry."
She swallowed. Licked her lips. Closed her notepad and started to stand up.
But before she could get to her feet, he was skidding to a stop in front of her on his knees. He put one large hands on her legs.
"Please, let me try."
The warmth of him burned all the way through her body. She couldn't refuse him anything. Not yet.
Not when she wanted everything so badly.
Unable to trust her voice, she nodded, and he said, "You asked me some questions a couple days ago. I want to answer them now. Or at least try. I don't know if I know all of the answers yet, but this time we've spent together is helping me figure them out a little bit."
This opening up was everything she thought she'd wanted. So then why did she still feel like her heart was barely beating?
"I came to your apartment that night because I--"
His voice faltered and her heart ached for him. "You don't need to tell me, Luke."
"Don't let me off easy this time, Janica."
She felt her eyes widen as she took in his beautiful face. He was asking her to help him. And even though her heart was breaking, she would.
"I won't." She forced herself to level him with a don't-bullshit-me gaze. "So why? What happened?"
He ran one hand through his hair. "I almost killed somebody. A little girl."
She couldn't stop her swift intake of breath. But at the same time, she couldn't believe him either.
"What really happened?"
"I was exhausted."
"I know. I remember how wiped out you were."
"I should have gone home, but I stayed at the hospital instead. Because I didn't have any reason to go home." He reached out, stroked her cheek. "Because I didn't have anyone to go home to."
Her mouth crept up in a half-smile of recognition. "I know how that is."
"My colleagues were trying to tell me to get some rest, to let them take over, but I wouldn't listen. And then when we were in the OR, I--"
She leaned over and put her hand over his mouth. "Everybody makes mistakes, Luke."
But, oh God, touching his mouth was such a bad idea. Because the only thing she could think to do next was cover it with her lips.
Taking away her hand, feeling it tremble as she put it back on her lap, she said, "Is she okay?"
"I called to check in and heard she's doing great. No thanks to me."
"Funny," she said, "I never pegged you for the self-pitying type."
His eyebrows went up. "Is that what I'm doing?"
"Maybe. I wasn't there with you in the hospital, but it sounds like you've already beaten yourself up pretty bad about it. And besides," she said with a grin that she didn't really feel, "it finally got you to my doorstep, didn't it?"
"It shouldn't have taken that, Janica."
But it had.
She drank in his chiseled features, his all-male scent. If she stayed another sixty seconds she'd be tasting his mouth, ripping off his clothes and pulling him down over her.
It was time for her to go.
Clearly sensing her thoughts, he gripped the skirt of her dress in his fist.
"You also asked me if I like being a doctor. If I became one because of my mother. A week ago I would've told you I loved my job. Now I don't know anymore. But yes, she's the reason."
"Don't let what happened one night when you were tired change the color of your career for you. You still love it. I know you do. Just like I know that your mother would be so proud of you. So proud of what you do. And who you are."
"When she died," Luke said softly, his eyes going slightly unfocused as he faded back into memories, "Travis pretty much fell apart. I knew exactly what I needed to do. I had to keep it together for both of us. And any time he acted like a dick, I needed to be even nicer. Wherever he took a risk, I made sure to play it safe. So there'd always be one of us there to fall back on."
"Like me and Lily," Janica said softly. "Only in reverse."
"I guess so."
"You've never had a chance to let loose before, have you?"
"Not until you, sweetheart."
His sweetheart shot like an arrow straight through her heart.
He must've seen the pain in her face, because he was suddenly saying, "Sorry isn't good enough for the way I behaved in front of Lily."
"You don't have to apologize for being honest. For feeling what you feel." She moved her hands over his and squeezed them. "I'm really, really happy for you. I'm really glad that you're finally starting to work through everything."
"Please don't say but."
She had to.
"But you were right."
His eyes flared with something that looked a hell of a lot like fear.
"No, sweetheart, I wasn't."
"You were. You and me, we're not going to work."
She didn't want to be the one to say goodbye. But she would.
Because she loved him that much. And he deserved to be with someone he could love wholly, without reserve.
And then, maybe, in the future, if he missed her enough, he would come ba--
No.
It wasn't just the way he'd acted around Lily. The hard truth was that s
he had no future with Luke in the real world. Because even if a man like him who'd always walked the straight-and-narrow could fall in love with the woman she was now, she knew with utter certainty that he could never truly let himself love the wild girl she used to be too. And that was the only way it would work...her heart came as a package deal.
All or nothing.
Which was why letting him go did not mean he was going to come back around to her.
Ever.
*
Luke couldn't remember the last time he'd felt pain this intense. And he couldn't remember the last time he'd been this scared. Terrified of all those empty spaces Janica was going to leave him with.
All his life he'd done what was fair, what was expected of him. All his life he'd put helping other people over helping himself.
Right now, he had to try to help himself.
"Do you remember what you said? About not being able to stop yourself from loving me? No matter what?"
Even as the words came, he knew they weren't fair. He shouldn't be using her words of love against her.
Especially when he hadn't even come close to giving them back to her yet.
"Of course I remember," she said gently, as if she knew how deeply her leaving was going to cut him and she wanted to try to soften the blow in any way she could. "I'm keeping that promise, Luke."
He watched a tear fall down her cheek and had to touch her, had to brush it away. She turned her face into his palm for a split second and he prayed, silently begged the universe to give her back to him.
Please don't let her leave me.
But then she was pushing off the couch. Moving away.
Away from him.
Taking all of her warmth and softness with her.
"I love you, Luke. Enough to know that you don't belong with me." She picked up her bag. "I've got to go now."
"How can you leave when I think I'm falling in love with you?"
She went completely still, not moving at all, not even blinking. "If you ever know for sure, let me know."
She was halfway down the stairs when he said, when he begged, "Stay."
She'd said the same thing to him that first night.
Now she was the one leaving without a backward glance.
Chapter Twenty-one
Janica had never worked harder. It was amazing the things she could accomplish without a heart.