“What are you doing, Ellie?”
“Yomi’s face is staring at me. I can’t do this. I just can’t.”
He sighed and lay back down on the bed. “I can’t believe you stopped when I was just about to come.”
I stared at him. “Seriously, Ollie. You’re more upset by that than the fact that you’ve just cheated on your long-term girlfriend?”
“I’ve slept with girls before. She doesn’t know and never will. It won’t hurt her. Anyway, El, let’s forget it, please. I think you’re so sexy.” He started rubbing my boobs and caressing my face. “Seriously, you’re stunning. All I want is to come inside you.”
I felt my vagina throbbing again. Why was it so irrational? I ran my hands over Ollie’s brown body and rubbed his penis. It was smooth and—wait, why wasn’t it rubbery?
I sat up. The condom was gone.
“Erm, where’s the condom gone, Ollie?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t take it off. It must have come out when you made me get out of you.”
I ignored the accusatory tone of his voice and leapt up. The condom wasn’t on the bed, or the floor. It was nowhere to be seen.
“Are you sure it’s not inside you?” he asked.
“What? Don’t be ridiculous,” I cried. How could a condom get stuck inside of me—that never happened. It wasn’t a tampon. Surely I’d be able to feel it if it was inside there—hang on, what was that? “Oh my God. Do not tell me this is happening,” I shrieked. “How is there a condom stuck inside of me?”
I squatted on the floor, hoping it would come out of me. It didn’t. I shoved my hand inside to try to pull it out but my fingers couldn’t find the condom. It was well and truly lodged up my vagina.
• • •
27
“I don’t know why we’re here, Ellie. This is fucking ridiculous.”
I turned to stare at Ollie in annoyance. He was acting like a complete arsehole. It had taken all of my powers of persuasion—and eventually blackmail—to get him to come to the ER with me. He’d even refused to pay for a cab for us and had forced me to get a bus. Now we were sitting on uncomfortable white plastic seats, in a four-hour queue, and I had latex lost inside my vagina.
“Ollie, seriously, what the fuck. You’re not the one with a condom inside of you. This could be really dangerous. How do you not want to be here?” I cried.
His brow creased and he turned to face me. “You think I want to spend my Sunday night hanging out in A&E? What are you on, Ellie?”
“And you think I do? I have no choice. I could get, like, TSS or something. Do you know how dangerous that is?” I said. “Besides rubber could be way worse than tampons. I could get an infection.”
“Yeah well, I doubt one night would really be that much of an issue. You could have just gone early in the morning. This is such an overreaction.”
My mouth dropped open. “I just told you I could have an infection and you think that’s overreacting? I could be pregnant, Ollie. Or, I mean, who knows, I could have caught something from you.”
A woman holding a child in her arms shot us a look of revulsion and turned around. An elderly woman winked at me. Oh God. We were officially having a domestic in the Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel.
“Are you actually saying you think I have an STI?” hissed Ollie. I looked down at the floor. It was pale green and looked pretty dirty for a hospital floor. “Ellie?”
“I’m sorry,” I finally announced. “I didn’t mean it, I’m just stressed there could be something actually wrong with me.”
He sighed. “Okay. I don’t want to fight with you, obviously. I just don’t really know what to say.”
I closed my eyes. Neither did I. I had just slept with my housemate and helped him cheat on his girlfriend. It was meant to feel fun and empowering, but I just felt kind of dirty and depressed. Sex with Ollie was the first properly slutty thing I’d ever done and and I ended up getting latex stuck inside me. If ever there was a clear sign something was doomed, this was it.
“Ollie, it’s fine. Let’s just forget it and hope we can get this all sorted ASAP,” I said. Fighting with him in this miserable waiting room was not going to make my night any better. Even though he was being a complete dick.
“Okay, cool. I’m gonna go get a drink. Do you want anything?”
“I’d love a chamomile tea.”
“Erm, okay. And if they don’t have chamomile?”
“Peppermint? Green?” He raised his eyebrows at me. “Or . . . a normal tea?”
“Cool.”
He got up and I wrapped my jacket tightly around me. I wished I were drunk. Then maybe I wouldn’t notice how everyone else here was really old or badly dressed. I felt like such a misfit. I shouldn’t be in a shitty A&E with a condom stuck in me—I should be in bed with my herbal tea watching TV. How was this my life? I had a degree, for Christ’s sake, why was I in the hospital on a Sunday night with a sex emergency?
I sighed loudly and put my head in my hands, no longer caring what anyone thought. I shouldn’t have had sex with Ollie. I knew it was wrong. But he kept telling me how hot I was and I hadn’t felt so pretty in ages. He was so out of my league—it was flattering.
Although, he was kind of proving himself to be a bit of a wanker. Had he always been so selfish? With a sigh, I realized that he probably had. I’d just never noticed because I was so blinded by how beautiful he was. Typical. I pulled out my phone. I needed the girls.
• • •
Emma: Ellie, where are you? I thought we were going to watch Downton Abbey together.
Lara: Maybe she’s at Nick’s place again . . . we’ve created a monster, Em. She’s a sex fiend these days.
I laughed wryly; they didn’t know the half of it. God, I missed them. I wished they were sitting here in A&E with me instead of Ollie. Maybe they’d come??
• • •
Me: Guys. Something crazy happened. I’m in A&E.
Emma: WTF!
Lara: ARE YOU OK?
Emma: Where are you? Will come now.
Me: Calm down, it’s not horrendous. I just . . . have a condom stuck inside me.
Lara: Hahaha.
Emma: Oh, babe. Can’t you just pull it out?
Me: I tried that. For an hour. So here I am.
Lara: Sorry, you can’t get me out of Oxford to come to London just for some lost latex. Is Nick with you?
Me: Really didn’t want to tell you over WhatsApp but something bad happened. It wasn’t Nick.
Emma: ???
Me: It was Ollie.
The conversation went quiet and then Lara called me.
“Ellie, are you fucking kidding me?”
“Okay, stop swearing at me, I’m in the hospital. Besides I can’t really talk. He’s going to come back in a second.”
“What happened? I can’t believe you did that. What about his poor girlfriend? You know her.”
I sighed. “I know. I feel really bad. But in a kind of surreal way. Probably because he’s down the hallway. He was just so complimentary. I feel like he’s fancied me this whole time too.”
She groaned. “Of course he complimented you. He was just telling you what he knows you wanted to hear. He just wanted to fuck you, Ellie.”
“Okay, thanks. Now I feel officially shit.”
She sighed. “I don’t want you to feel horrible, Ellie. I just . . . It’s a huge thing. You saw how bad Emma felt when she saw Sergio cheating on her.”
“That was totally different,” I cried.
“How?”
“Well, they’d been together ages and he was regularly sleeping with someone. Ollie and I only happened once.”
“He’s been with his girlfriend for like four years, Ellie. Besides, do you not think Emma would have been just as upset if it was a one-off than if it was regular?”
<
br /> I felt sick. “I guess. I feel bad now.”
“Also, do you think Nick would care?”
“What? No, we’re really casual. Look, I’m going to go, Lara. I think Ollie is coming back. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Her voice softened. “Okay. Well, don’t beat yourself up too much, El, what’s done is done. I hope the condom stuff goes okay.”
“Thanks, see you later.”
I hung up feeling awful. That was the first time I’d ever lied to Lara to get off the phone to her—hell, it was the first time I’d ever wanted to get off the phone to her, full stop. But she had a point. I couldn’t really pretend this was just typical millennial drama. I’d full-on cheated and ruined a four-year relationship. I was a horrible person. Emma must hate me. I nervously looked at my phone to see if she’d replied.
• • •
Emma: Please tell me that’s not real.
Emma: Ellie??
Emma: Or at least tell me it was because he’d just broken up with Yomi??
Emma: Why would you do that??
Emma: Are you OK??
I officially felt like crying. I had done to Yomi exactly what Blue Eyeshadow had done to Emma. The only difference was that Yomi hadn’t shown up with a surprise anniversary fiesta in hand and caught us à la Serge. I was a complete bitch. A bitch with a rubber lost in her pussy. Karma 1, Ellie 0.
“Hey,” said Ollie. He was standing next to me holding two Styrofoam cups. “Sorry it took so long. The chamomile was pretty hard to source but I got there in the end.”
I took the cup from him gratefully and sipped it. It burned my tongue, but the pain distracted me from wanting to cry. Karma 2, Ellie O.
“Are we any closer to seeing a doctor then?” he asked.
“Erm, I don’t know. Hey, do you mind if I go and make a phone call quickly? I just need to speak to Emma.”
“What?” he cried. “You can’t tell anyone about this, Ellie. Yomi can never find out. Promise me you’ll keep it quiet.”
“But why would Emma ever tell Yomi? Or even Lara? They don’t know her.”
“These things always have a way of getting out unless neither of us say anything. I’m not kidding about this,” he said, staring at me with his intense blue eyes. For once I didn’t feel weak at the knees.
“Ollie, it’s my life too. I need to tell my friends,” I said, conveniently ignoring the fact that I had already told said friends.
“Please, Ellie. I really love Yomi. I don’t want to ruin things with her.”
I closed my eyes briefly. Now I knew why people didn’t have sex with guys who were already in relationships. It hurt like hell to know that they loved someone else more than you. That, actually, they didn’t love you at all and probably barely fancied you. “Okay,” I promised. “I won’t tell anyone.” It was technically still a promise if I didn’t tell anyone from now on, right?
He sighed with relief. “Thanks,” he said. “Hey wait, where are you going?”
“I’m still going to call Emma. I just won’t, erm, tell her,” I lied blithely, as I stood up and walked as far away as I could from the plastic green chairs.
The dialing tone kept ringing and Emma wasn’t picking up. I bit my nails and dialed back again. This time she picked up.
“Hello?”
“I’m so sorry,” I wailed. “I didn’t think about anything. I just forgot how much it would hurt Yomi and I was so flattered he fancied me.”
Emma sighed. “Ellie, you don’t have to apologize to me, although I’m guessing this means he hasn’t dumped Yomi. I’m not mad at you; I have no right to be. I guess I’m just surprised that you did it. It doesn’t seem very . . . you.”
Why did everyone keep going on about it not being part of my personality?! “But, why not?” I answered with an edge to my voice. “You guys are helping me be slutty and this just felt like the next step, you know? A one-night stand with the guy I fancy, and we would never speak about it again. It’s the kind of stuff that always happens in movies—well, minus the A&E scene afterwards.”
“I think you’ve got the wrong idea about being slutty, Ellie,” said Emma quietly. “It’s not about having no morals and hurting people. It’s just about having lots of sex and enjoying it. Did you even enjoy it with Ollie?”
“No,” I admitted, feeling shit and guilty again as the anger faded. My emotions hadn’t been so up and down since I was fifteen. Maybe the latex was interfering with my hormones? “I guess . . . I guess I enjoyed the idea of it. I just . . . Urgh, I feel like such a fuck-up. I should have just stayed a virgin. I can’t even be a proper slut.”
“Babe, stop being weird,” said Emma. “Obviously it’s good you’re doing what you want, and being sexually liberated and a modern woman, just—just go for the single ones, Ellie.”
I sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. I miss you. I really, really regret what I’ve done.”
“I know. I miss you too. Go get the condom out of you and come home.”
“It’s going to be so awkward with Ollie. God. I’ve ruined things for the whole flat too. He made me swear I wouldn’t tell any of you, so can you just make sure Will doesn’t find out?”
There was silence. “Emma?” I asked. “Don’t tell me you’ve already told him.”
“I was emotional and it brought back bad Sergio memories,” she cried.
“You are not playing that line on me,” I cried. “I can’t believe you’ve told him. Tomorrow is going to be hell. What have I done?”
“Calm down and go back to Ollie. Just act cool and we’ll deal with it all tomorrow, okay? Remember what Rhett told Scarlett.”
“That she was a selfish spoiled bitch?”
“That tomorrow is another day,” she said and the line went dead. I walked back to Ollie feeling slightly better than I had after my chat to Lara. She’d hit me with the home truths the way only your oldest friend can, and, okay, it sucked that Emma was disappointed in me too, but at least she hadn’t yelled at me. I could deal with this.
“Ellie, I’ve been trying to text you,” said Ollie. “The doctor’s ready to see you.”
“Oh shit, okay, let’s go.”
We followed a nurse into a small green cubicle with a curtain. A man in a white coat and stethoscope walked in.
“Hi, I’m Dr. Patel. How can I help you?”
“Hi, um, I have a condom stuck inside of me.”
His facial expressions didn’t flinch and he pulled out a notepad. “Okay, when did this happen?”
“About four hours ago, I guess,” I replied, looking uncertainly at Ollie. He shrugged his shoulders.
“And have you tried to pull it out of you?” he asked.
“Yup, I tried for, like, an hour. I just couldn’t reach it. Is it dangerous? Will I be okay?”
“It should be fine,” he said. “Lie down and I’ll have a look, but I think it’s probably lodged at the top of your vaginal canal, near your cervix. It can’t ever get lost, don’t worry; we will be able to get it out. But it’s good you came in because if you leave it in there for a while, the bacteria can build up and you can get an infection.”
I shot Ollie a triumphant look. I knew infections were possible.
“Now if your boyfriend would like to leave, I’ll examine you,” said Dr. Patel.
“Oh, he’s not my . . .” I said as Ollie started saying the same thing. We looked at each other and I blushed. He walked out of the cubicle and I followed Dr. Patel’s orders to get onto the bed.
“Right, do you want to just take off your trousers and underwear?” he said.
I pulled off my leggings and knickers. I flushed to see my pasty legs and hairy vagina exposed on the plastic blue bed. Dr. Patel didn’t look fazed. He pushed my legs apart, got some gloves, and came towards my vagina.
I closed my eyes and felt some things p
oke around inside of me. I winced, imagining them to be pointy metal scalpels. Breathe, Ellie, one, two, three, breathe, I told myself, trying to remember what the yoga instructor had told us the one time I’d made it to her class. Find your inner core, ommm.
The poking, and my meditative attempts, carried on for a while and then I felt something slide out of me. I opened my eyes and saw Dr. Patel holding some metal tweezers with a saggy condom attached to them. I shrieked in joy.
“You’ve got it!” I cried.
“Yes, now let me just leave you with the nurse to finish things off. She’ll explain everything else to you. Just be careful next time. Try and ask your boyfriend to hold on to the bottom of the condom when he withdraws and make sure it’s the right size. Okay?”
I nodded mutely.
“You might also want to take emergency contraception to protect against pregnancy. And I’d recommend having an STI test.”
I stared at him. I never thought I’d have to take the morning after pill. That was the kind of thing actual slutty people did. The kind of people who slept with strangers in club toilets or . . . slept with their housemates when they were in a long-term relationship. I bowed my head. Dr. Patel was right; I deserved the morning after pill and everything else that came with it.
Karma 1 million, Ellie 0.
28
At six forty-five a.m. my alarm went off. I grasped around for my buzzing phone and hit the snooze button. I’d had five hours sleep—most of which was spent worrying about pregnancy, STIs and Yomi murdering me, and now I had to go to work. Oh God, work. Maxine. Monday. I had a full week of her constant bitchiness and demands ahead of me.
I felt a lump of dread appear in my tummy and closed my eyes tightly shut. I hadn’t had enough sleep to deal with Maxine today. Maybe I could call in sick? I had been in A&E last night. But even the thought of avoiding work made me feel guilty. I pulled my duvet around me, wondering if I could have a ten-minute snooze, until I remembered that Ollie woke up at seven a.m. I could not face seeing him—or anyone else. I pulled the duvet off me and ran straight into the shower.
Fifteen minutes later, I crept out of the house. My hair was still wet and I was wearing my comfort work outfit of black jeans and a baggy gray jumper sans makeup, but at least I’d managed to leave the house without seeing any of my housemates. Now I just had to figure out how to keep that up for the rest of the nine months left in our contract.
Not That Easy Page 21