by LS Sygnet
“He wanted to arrest Danny Datello, didn’t he?”
“Johnny wanted to arrest everybody that broke the law. He wanted this city cleaned up and respectable the way it used to be.”
“Are you from Darkwater, Chris?”
“Born and raised, though I went into the military at eighteen. I put in twenty-two years before I retired and came back home. The state police was an ideal option for me. With my command experience, they hired me immediately and put me in charge out here.”
“How many years ago was that?”
“Creeping up on twenty,” he grinned. “Yes, Helen, I’m over sixty years old. My wife doesn’t think I’ll ever retire. I suppose I’m one of those people who doesn’t know how to slow down and play golf.”
“Johnny values you too much to see you leave OSI.”
“We have a good arrangement. He’s never treated me like he’s my commanding officer,” he said. “Even when he blew his cover so he wasn’t arrested after he saved your life in October, he didn’t strip me of my rank or really change how the day to day operations are run.”
A faint smile curled my lips. “No, I don’t suppose he would’ve done that under any circumstances. Johnny loves investigating too much to ever be content sitting behind a desk and directing others into the fray.”
“I just wish he could accept that,” Chris said softly. “This thing that happened, with Southerby out at Dunhaven, it’s knocked him down a few pegs.”
“He thinks he can’t do the job anymore?” I’d had my suspicions, but not that I seriously thought a few months of blank spaces would’ve undermined Johnny’s confidence in a truly detrimental way.
“I suspect it’s more than just the voltage they zapped him with,” Chris said. “Part of it was you.”
“Me?”
Chris frowned, the scolding come on, let’s be honest here variety. “Helen, you’ve been here what, six, seven months? You arrested a corrupt police official and got rid of a bunch of very bad detectives, found and almost singlehandedly shut down a major drug distribution ring who planned to commit genocide in the third world, and to top it all off, you arrested Datello on charges that have Zack Carpenter dancing a jig in the streets the case is so solid.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Chris, but I did none of those things alone in the first place, and in the second, why would any of that make Johnny feel like he can’t do his job?”
“Because he’s been out here beating his head against the wall of corruption for twenty years now, and some gal comes in here and in six months makes a bigger dent than all of us have accomplished together.”
“It’s easier to have a clean perspective when you look at it with fresh eyes,” I said. “It wasn’t some kind of showmanship, Chris. And Johnny played a huge role in every single case I’ve worked. If it hadn’t been for him, I would’ve been dead long before Datello was arrested.”
“I get that. Believe me, I do. I’m just repeating a few of the things he said after he read the case files from the blank slate in question.”
“Then he does resent me.” I’d picked up on it, to put it mildly, when he accused me of being at fault for his blown cover and the most recent injury that stripped away his memories.
“He’s confused, Helen. Nothing has ever been easy for him where you’re concerned.”
“He really would be better off if I backed out of this completely, wouldn’t he?”
“Johnny doesn’t know what he wants. He wants you. He wants to outthink you. He wants you to be his partner. Then again, he doesn’t want any of it.”
“Because I wasn’t there when he woke up last week.”
“Partly.”
“What’s the other part?” I asked, almost afraid to hear Chris’s unique take on the situation.
“He’s got some folks who are making all of this more confusing by throwing their opinions of how he should be feeling or behaving into the mix.”
“Briscoe,” I half growled.
“Yeah, I supposed you’d know that one without much confirmation. He gave Johnny quite the history lesson on you.”
“I’m sure he did.”
Devlin stirred. Chris and I bounced up and peered down at him.
“Dev?” I squeezed his hand.
Eyes fluttered. “Helen?”
“I’m right here, Dev. Chris is here too.”
He sighed and poked at parched lips with a dry tongue. “Ned,” he rasped.
This time, the tears overflowed the dam in my eyes.
“No,” he rasped.
“We’re so sorry, son. Ned didn’t make it.”
“Should’ve been me.”
“No, Devlin. Please don’t say that,” Chris’s voice cracked on the last. “You know how much you mean to me, son. I couldn’t have…”
“And Ned wouldn’t have felt that way, Dev,” I said softly. “He’d want you to fight, to keep doing the work. We’re all so grateful that we didn’t lose both of you.”
“All,” he echoed with emptiness that broke my heart. “You and Chris. Everybody else will wish it was me instead of Ned.”
My fingers sifted through his hair. “That’s not true.” For Briscoe it probably was true, but he didn’t count in my opinion, even though he hadn’t expressed that thought at OSI.
“What happened?”
“We’re not sure,” Chris said. “Johnny was going to find out and get back to me just as soon as he could.”
“Orion hates me,” Devlin muttered. He stole a glassy-eyed glance at me. “You know he does, Helen.”
“He doesn’t. Johnny’s so confused about things right now, he doesn’t know how he feels about anything,” I soothed. “Chris, we should probably let his nurse know that he’s awake.”
His eyes had already drifted toward the doorway. “Shit,” he muttered. “Uh, rather, you stay with Devlin. I’ll be right back.”
I pressed my lips to Devlin’s forehead. “I don’t know how the accident happened, Devlin, but I can tell you what’s been going on since you got to the hospital. Or would you rather have the nurse explain it when she comes in here?”
“You tell me.”
“They had to open you up to find out what happened,” I said. “Apparently there was abdominal trauma and they knew you were bleeding internally.”
“And? Don’t tell me. They found out that I’ve got three stomachs or something.”
I grinned. “They were worried about your liver, but it turns out that you ruptured your spleen instead.”
He sighed. “Thank God for that. I can live without my spleen.”
“How would you know that?”
“My mom was a pediatrician, although when I was very young, she was a family practitioner. I’ve been around that lingo my whole life, Helen. What else happened to me?”
“That’s it,” I said. “No broken bones, no head trauma, just the spleen.”
“And you know nothing about the accident?”
I glanced toward the door. What was taking the nurse so long to get in here? “Uh, the emergency room doctor thought they said you were hit by a truck of some kind, but he wasn’t sure.”
“You’re wondering where my nurse is,” he sighed. “You’re not gonna rest until she comes in and starts poking and prodding, are you?”
“No, I guess I’m not.”
“Go on then. I’ll be fine for two minutes while you chew someone out for not dropping everything to rush in here.”
“I’ll be back in a second.”
I stepped through the door - and saw why the nurse hadn’t arrived. Chris hadn’t summoned her yet. Angry whispers shot back and forth between him and Johnny.
“… telling him I’m some kind of demented idiot!”
“John, that’s not what she said.”
Oh boy. I laid my hand on the small of Chris’s back and stepped beside him. “Did you call for the nurse yet?”
“Because we can’t possibly wait five seconds to tend to Detective Dreamy, can we, Hele
n?” Johnny growled.
I gritted my teeth, sucked a deep breath through my nose, struggled to hold the angry retort inside. “Chris, I think Johnny and I need to talk. Would you let the nurses know that Devlin is awake?”
“I’ve got nothing to say to you,” Johnny started to turn away, but I grabbed his arm with iron will.
“Then you’ll listen for once in your life.” I started dragging him down the hallway. Surely there was a waiting room around here somewhere.
Johnny jerked his arm away from me and grabbed the door that opened into a stairwell. “Make it fast. I’ve got a job to do.”
“Fine, you wanna do this in the stairwell?” My hands shoved against his chest, caught him off guard and slammed him into the wall adjacent to the door. “Then we’ll do it in here.”
“Don’t get pushy with me, Helen. I’m aware of your abilities, and warning you right now, jujitsu or not, you’re no match –”
The words cut off in his throat when I plastered myself against his body and gripped two handfuls of hair. “Shut up and listen to me.”
He swallowed hard, frozen against the wall and nodded.
My grip relaxed, evolved into a caress. “It tore my heart out, what happened to you. I wanted to be with you more than anything in the world, Johnny, but seeing that vacant way you look at me now, it’s almost more than I can bear. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to hover over you, the weeping stranger with a broken heart. I’m sorry that I couldn’t bear to hear you tell them to throw me out.” I let go of him and turned away before grief blinded me all over again.
Johnny’s hands rested on my shoulders. “I wouldn’t have done that, Helen.”
A tightly compressed ball of grief uncurled in my belly, exploded really. Moisture dripped from my chin. My body shook with silent sobs. Johnny’s hands moved to my hips, turned me swiftly and pulled me against his chest.
“Shh,” he murmured into my hair. “Oh, baby…”
The truth of the matter came in a succession of hiccupped confessions. “It took me so long to accept that I love you, and then in an instant, I did something so stupid, and you got hurt, and it was all gone, Johnny. You looked right through me.”
“You didn’t look like the person I remembered,” he whispered. “Familiar, but not. Helen, this isn’t easy for either one of us.”
“I know,” I wept, “but I thought we agreed that we’d try to get through this together, Johnny.”
“We did.”
“Then why do you keep getting so angry with me?”
His fingers spanned my jaw and tilted my face upward. “Because you’ve known this guy for what, a week? Two? He gets hurt, and you run off to be with him.”
“He’s my friend, and he knows who I am.”
“You loved me, and I know who you are now.”
“Knowing me, it’s not the same, Johnny. You don’t remember us.”
“I know that nothing feels right when I see some other guy kissing you, you kissing him. I know that I can’t stand seeing him put his hands on you. I know that we fit, Helen. We belong together. I know that hearing you cry tears me apart. The idea that you don’t love me anymore is making me crazy.”
“But I do love you,” I rasped. “Do you think I could just stop simply because you forgot how you feel about me?”
“My feelings are the only thing that I haven’t forgotten, Helen. I don’t remember how I got them, but I never doubted for one second how I’ve always felt about you.”
I turned my head and drew the thumb resting against my jaw between my lips. Johnny’s eyes fluttered shut. His body shuddered.
“Helen…”
“Devlin is only a friend,” I said softly. “I’m one of the few he actually has.”
Johnny nodded.
“I don’t want him, Johnny. I want you. I want the man who once told me that he knows me inside and out, all the dark corners of my mind where even I’m too afraid to look. I want the man who remembers our first kiss, the first time we made love, why I couldn’t let you walk away from me that night.”
“And I’m not him anymore, am I?”
“You are him. I believe that. I know it.”
“You need me to know it too.” His hand fell away from my face. “That’s what you meant when you told Devlin I’m too confused to know how I feel about anyone right now.”
“Yes,” I whispered. “I’ll help you any way I can, Johnny, but I can’t spoon feed your memories back to you. Nobody can give you that. You’re right that this is all my fault. I’d love to be the one to make it right for you.”
“But you can’t.”
“Not by filling in the blanks for you,” I said, “but I’ve got another idea. Something that might help you remember more on your own.”
“Tell me.”
“Stay with me.”
“Helen, we’ve got a case to solve –”
“And I’ll still work with you, but Johnny doesn’t it make more sense that you’ll remember things if you actually spend time with me?”
“What if I never remember?”
“We’ll deal with whatever happens as it comes. Please, Johnny. How will you ever know the truth from the lies you’ve been fed if you don’t at least try to see it for yourself.”
“I thought you were staying here with the new friend.”
“He knows about the case. He’s got Chris with him, and he knows I won’t abandon him. Johnny, he knows I love you,” I said softly.
“He still kissed you.”
“Not the way you think. Stop being angry and jealous. It’s assures one thing.”
“What’s that?” he muttered.
Before I could respond, his cell phone rang.
Chapter 12
“Orion,” he hissed curses before answering the phone. “I’m at MSUH now.”
I glanced at my watch. The day had bled away into nighttime between Devlin’s surgery and the bedside vigil at the hospital.
“No, I haven’t gotten around to telling any of them what happened.”
My mind leapt out of personal drama back into the case. Had they made progress yet? Did Goddard’s parents show up? The second concert had been underway for a few minutes, the opening act already warming up the crowd for Pan Demon’s next performance.
“Sure. I’ll ask, although I’m not so sure anybody will be too keen on the idea. I’ll call you back either way, Crevan. Thanks for keeping me posted.” He shoved his cell back into his breast pocket.
“What happened?”
Johnny shrugged. “We found Goddard’s parents. The Coast Guard stopped them and encouraged them to head back right away. They’ll be here day after tomorrow – we hope.”
“What is it you think nobody will be too keen on?”
“This concert business tonight. Crevan thinks we should still try to use the interest of certain people associated with the band to get more information.”
“Devlin’s in no condition to go to a concert, Johnny.”
“Yeah, so we figured one of us could go with you. He wasn’t the one that rated the special invitation back tonight.”
“I see.”
“So… I figure Tony isn’t an option since he says you don’t want anything to do with him anymore. That leaves Crevan.”
“And you.”
Our eyes met. “I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea, Doc.”
“Why?” My heart sank so low, I thought it might drop through to the opposite side of the world. “You’re turning down my offer to spend more time with me, aren’t you?”
“No,” the reply was clipped so short it was almost inaudible. “I just don’t seem to handle watching other men vie for your attention too well.”
“Even though you know how I feel about you?”
His chin dipped. “I also know you think I’m too confused to –”
I took advantage of the easy access he provided and pressed my lips against his. “No, Johnny, I don’t think you’re confused about how you fee
l about me. It wouldn’t break my heart if there are certain things you never remember, but I don’t want you to forget me or us.”
“I can’t watch other men hit on you and proposition you,” he said. “I can’t do it, Helen. It makes me feel things I don’t understand.”
“Like what?”
“Homicidal urges.”
I took a quick step backward. “Johnny, tell me you didn’t really mean that.” My heart rubbed hard against my sternum, painfully insistent. Was he really beginning to remember things that had happened between us in the past six months? Was I about to understand why he had no qualms about breaking the law to protect me?
“I told you it doesn’t make any sense,” he said. “Now you’re not so sure you want me around.”
“We’ll figure it out. Will you be at the house when Crevan and I come back from this concert thing?”
He nodded. “Can I ask you not to encourage these guys like you did last night?”
“I didn’t –”
“You were barely dressed.”
The argument ended on a low note, mostly because I couldn’t refute an opinion, and Johnny had determined that I was somehow responsible for how others perceived me. I explained to groggy Devlin why I was going to be missing for a few hours, but promised to return as soon as possible.
He gripped my fingers weakly. “Watch out for Underpants, Helen. I know you don’t see him as the threat that Chris and I know he is, but make sure Crevan knows that you’re not to be left alone with the guy under any circumstances.”
“Honestly, Dev, of all the suspects we’ve got related to the band and their entourage, I doubt that Fulk Underwood will be the one we have trouble detaining. All the money and lawyers won’t be working to impede our access to the nobody guitar tech.”
“Don’t be so sure about that,” Devlin whispered. “Promise me you’ll be careful.”
I did, but only to assuage his fears. Honestly, had everyone in Darkwater Bay forgotten that I am quite capable of defending myself – certain mishaps and unfortunate turns of events not withstanding? I doubted that Underwood had access to a gun like the one that took me out of commission in October, and I knew damn well that he didn’t have access to a medieval torture chamber like the one Johnny and I encountered at Dunhaven a little over a week ago.