by LS Sygnet
Understood. People were concerned that Johnny wasn’t capable of reining me in. No small wonder. It was a feat that nobody in law enforcement had managed to do throughout my career, with the minor exception of David Levine for brief spurts during my ten year history with the FBI. “I apologize, Johnny. I honestly don’t know what came over me when I met Aidan Conall. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way and I couldn’t control the urge to push him like that. I really am sorry.”
That one was sincere. His shoulders relaxed a little bit, not enough for Shelly to notice, but it occurred to me that maybe Johnny and I knew each other better than anybody else did.
“I’m glad you sound remorseful this time, Helen. It’s probably going to take more than an act of God to get Aidan calm enough to cooperate now. Then again, he got defensive right off the bat,” Johnny said.
“I agree. Shelly, it was as if the mere notion that any of his religious group were capable of doing something that might possibly violate civil law was offensive. He also gave the impression that civil law is somehow trumped by the Old Testament. No offense to your people.”
She tried to smile, but it was still laced with a little too much anger. “None taken. My people as you call us, tend to view the lessons in the Old Testament as allegorical, not literal laws on punishing those who fail to conform to the standards of the herd mentality.”
“Johnny, how soon do you think this meeting might take place?”
“Go back to the hospital. I’ll let you know when I’ve got him calm enough to at least listen to your heartfelt apology.”
“Are you sure? What if the Goddards –?”
“Helen, that was an order. Until you hear from me, consider yourself off duty,” he said.
I cringed. Bad plan to sound so challenging right on the heels of being handed my rank in the grand scheme of things. “Of course. Thanks for the time off. You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry.”
Humor twinkled in his eyes. Yeah, I laid it on a little thick, but I wanted Shelly to understand that I wouldn’t go rouge again, that Johnny could control my often impulsive behavior. At least I hoped he could control it.
I loitered in the squad room for a few minutes, hoping that I could have a private word with Johnny before I left, but the door remained closed, and the angry voices were no longer audible. It became clear that whatever they were discussing wasn’t going to end anytime soon.
“Well, I guess I’ll follow orders and head back over to the hospital,” I said.
“Helen, I’ll walk you out,” Crevan offered. “I’d like to have a private word.”
“Please don’t scold me again. I already said I was sorry, and I really meant it, Crevan. I didn’t mean to make your dad attack you.”
“Water under the bridge.” He held my coat while I slipped into it. “What we need to talk about is personal.”
“Oh.”
We were out the back door of division when he spoke again. “I don’t think Shelly thinks that Johnny is up to handling this case,” he said. “In fact, I suspect she plans to ask you to sort of keep an eye on him from the psychological end of things.”
“Crevan, he’s starting to remember things now. When we talked to Rham Goddard earlier, he remembered the protest in October spontaneously. I really believe it’s just a matter of time before he regains his memory and his confidence. Shelly doubting him now is the worst thing for him.”
“Oh, believe me, I get it. My father on the other hand…”
“He throws his weight around and suddenly the doubts about Johnny’s fitness are front and center, huh.”
“Looks that way. Please be sensitive to that when Johnny asks you to do things his way. Normally, I wouldn’t bet against him if it came to a popularity contest between him and my father. Right now, I’m not so sure.”
I gripped Crevan’s wrist. “I meant what I said earlier. I love him that much, Crevan. No matter what else happens, I don’t want Johnny doubting his abilities because I did something stupid and he got hurt.”
“Give Devlin my best. Tony and I will try to stop in later and see how he’s doing.”
“Make sure your partner doesn’t say or do something that makes Dev feel like he wishes Ned had been the one who survived.”
“I don’t think Tony feels that way, Helen. It doesn’t mean he’s glad Ned died, but he really isn’t a bad guy. He just doesn’t express himself so well. I’m glad we’ve achieved a little ceasefire between the two of you. I have a feeling it’s gonna be necessary, especially if Goddard’s murder turns out to be a hate crime.”
“You know I love you too, Crevan, right? I’m your friend first and foremost. Your private life is nobody’s business, and I’ll defend that with my dying breath.”
“Let’s hope that breath doesn’t come anytime soon.”
Chapter 20
We converged on Central Division at 08:00 hours the next morning. I fell asleep in a chair at Devlin’s bedside the night before. One of the nurses woke me at six and gave me a message from Johnny.
“Meet me at central. Eight sharp.”
He hadn’t called my phone, hadn’t stopped at the hospital, didn’t ask me to meet him at home. If I let myself think about it too much, the fear that it meant something unpleasant was unbearable.
Johnny’s expression was inscrutable when I met him on the executive level at central. The conference room had far too many stern male faces for my liking – and Shelly’s to boot. It felt more like a firing squad than the gallows. I had to constantly remind myself that I didn’t need to work, and that in reality, being released from that stupid contract I got conned into signing in October would be a blessing.
George Hardy, the mayor, Chris Darnell, Johnny, Don Weber and Shelly stood until I pulled out a chair and sat down.
“Aidan Conall will be here in ten minutes, Helen,” Weber said. “Johnny explained the content of your statement to him yesterday, and while we all agree that there was nothing inherently wrong with what you said, it was the wrong approach to use with a man like Aidan Conall.”
“I understand.”
“We’re not going to formally reprimand you for your conduct, but you should consider this a stern warning that there are times when you must follow the lead of others who might have a deeper understanding of certain dynamics in this city.”
“My apologies, sir,” I said. “I believe that Commander Orion already knows how much I regret my impulsive statement yesterday.”
“Of course I do, Helen,” Johnny said. “That said, when Aidan arrives, you should expect him to be less than gracious no matter what you say to him. I’m going to tell you exactly what those words will be.”
My jaw tightened. “All right.”
“You’re to simply say that you were wrong to speak with a combative tone and that you regret it very deeply. It will never happen again.”
But. It was on the tip of my tongue, and I’m pretty sure that Johnny read the flash of protest in my eyes before I tucked my chin in a demure nod.
“After you apologize, you should leave the room. Wait for me downstairs. We need to talk about what happens next.”
Hardy’s assistant knocked on the door. “Commissioner, Mr. Conall is here.”
“Please show him in,” Hardy said.
My heart lurched upward into the back of my throat while my mind went blank. What had Johnny told me to say again? Shit!
Conall stepped into the room, tugging his diamond spiked cuffs down over his wrists. The aura of self-righteousness choked me, ignited the same intense reaction I felt the first time I met the man. I willed an image of someone I respected in place of the smug man trotted in front of me for the most humiliating order I’d ever received.
Under the table, Johnny’s hand gripped mine for a gentle squeeze. The words fell from my lips. “Mr. Conall, thank you for giving me the opportunity to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I was wrong to disrespect you, an upstanding pillar of the community, with such a combative tone.
I regret it very deeply. It will never happen again.”
Conall snorted. “You’re not the first woman to make that mistake with me,” he said. “Kathleen’s mother was the same way.”
I had no idea who Kathleen was, but felt a small measure of satisfaction that I was not alone in my intense dislike.
“If you’ll excuse me,” I said. Before I could rise, Conall stopped me.
“I’d like to say something to you before you go, Detective Eriksson. I realize why you’re here apologizing to me. It isn’t because you’re sorry. People like you never are. These fine officers are forcing you to make amends for your outrageous and offensive statement. You should understand fully that you have made an enemy, and I will not rest until I see to it that you are no longer a member of law enforcement in this city. Enjoy your position while it lasts.”
If I thought I could’ve gotten away with it, I’d have drawn my sidearm and drilled a hole in his head on the spot.
“I respect knowing where you stand, Mr. Conall.”
Johnny’s tension started smothering me.
“But you should also be aware that it has never been my intention to remain a member of law enforcement in this city or any other. These fine officers gathered here this morning did everything they could to lure me out of retirement. You may not like it, but Darkwater Bay is a safer place today because of me.” Defiance shot from my eyes. “When I’m finished working, I’ll go, but not because of your wishes. I go because I choose to be done following men into madness of their own creation. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
A pin drop would’ve echoed like a sonic boom in the stunned silence.
“Perfectly,” he said. “Good luck with your murder investigation.”
I paced the homicide squad room on the third floor until Johnny appeared at the door to the stairwell. He crooked one finger.
“Am I fired?”
“Of course not. I did feel the compulsion to use my tie as a gag at one point. You’re never going to be one to follow orders, are you?”
“I said what you told me to say.”
“Laid it on a little thick with the upstanding citizen bit,” he grinned. “Relax. We all about died laughing after Aidan left. I thought you should know that he answered the questions I had yesterday but didn’t get the chance to ask. We figured that if you tucked your tail and apologized in front of the brass before I sprung an official request for cooperation on him, he’d have no choice but play along in order to save face. If he refused, he’d look like the complete dick that he is in front of all the people he’s so eager to impress with his greatness.”
I slugged Johnny’s shoulder playfully. “So you used me.”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass if you hate him or not, Doc. It just wasn’t an expedient approach with him. If at some point, we find that he’s lying about the statement he gave me, I’m gonna let you take the gloves off and go at him any way you want.”
“I love you.”
“Do you forgive me for not letting you in on the secret before now?”
“I get it. If I didn’t feel sufficiently reprimanded before Conall showed up, he’d have read it immediately. By the way, who is Kathleen?”
“His wife,” Johnny chuckled. “I suppose to Aidan’s way of thinking, to compare you to his beastly mother-in-law was the worst insult he could hurl without being profane.”
“Huh. Let’s hope Crevan takes after his maternal grandmother then. What do you need me to do today?”
“Be available if I call. The Goddards aren’t back yet, but I’d like you to come with me when they arrive. Other than that, I suspect you’ll want to be at the hospital. Chris said they might let Devlin go home this afternoon, that he’s bouncing back faster than expected.”
“And you’re really fine with him coming home with me?”
“Us,” he whispered. “Yeah, I’m fine with it.”
“Did you work all night?”
“Hmm, we went over all of the witness statements from the protest in October. I’ve got Crevan and Tony talking to people involved in the protest getting alibis for the two timeframes we’re considering for Goddard’s murder.”
“Johnny, you know that I don’t think you need my help to close this case, right?”
Fingers skimmed up my left arm. “Are you sure about that, Helen?”
“Absolutely certain. I’ve been more of a hindrance on this case than a help. Please believe what I’m about to say, Johnny. You might have a few months of fuzzy recollections, but your instincts are just as sharp as ever. You’re a great investigator. Don’t ever doubt it.”
“You still breezed into town and accomplished more in six months than we did in fifteen years.”
“Dumb luck. And I didn’t do it alone. You had all the pieces that led right to Jerry Lowe, Johnny. You were the one who stopped Nick and Kim Jackson. I did what I came here to do.”
“Datello?”
I nodded. “We’ll talk about why that was so personal for me another day. Just know that when they went after you, nothing was going to stop me from getting him. He crossed a line I couldn’t accept.”
He cupped my cheek and kissed me softly. “Helen, even if I never remember another thing, I think I’m gonna love getting to know you all over again.”
“Will you call me when you take a break, even if there’s nothing going on with the case?”
“Yeah,” Johnny said. “Like I said, Tony and Crevan are looking at the protesters. I’m gonna talk to Madden’s manager this morning and find out how long he and the entourage plan to stay in town. I figured we might be able to wring a few more days out of the group since the victim was his nephew. He might want to stick around for the funeral. Rham Goddard called last night and let me know that Madden met with him. He’s staying out on the island somewhere. Sounds like the guy’s pretty torn up about the murder.”
“I hope he’s not merely a good performer, Johnny.”
“I’d like to talk to Underwood with Chris too. Do you think that’s a bad idea?”
“Not at all,” I said. “In fact, I’d like to observe that conversation, Johnny. I got more bravado from him than anything else. I’m curious if the alpha dies when he’s confronted with two who are a hell of a lot more dominant than he is. Plus, there’s a history between him and Chris. I bet it’ll evoke some responses that I wouldn’t otherwise see.”
“I’ll call with the time,” he said. Johnny slid his fingers through mine. “This feels good, Doc, like there’s hope after all.”
“About us?”
“Everything,” he said. “Even if I don’t remember what I lost, knowing you still believe in me matters. I don’t know why, but it matters more than anything else.”
“We’ll get through this, Johnny. No matter what.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I know I said that I don’t intend to stick around, but I was talking about this job. Can’t you see that I need you? I want sane and normal and calm. No more monsters and demons.”
Johnny’s arms tightened around me. “I want that too. I mean, the normal and calm, stable, coming home to you. I know it seems crazy because I really don’t remember what we had, but I feel things, Helen. They’re so strong, and knowing that you want to be with me…”
“Does it help you make sense of something that was confusing?”
“Yes,” he rasped. “I know in my heart that I need you to help me through this.”
“Even if I’m a pain in the ass who doesn’t know how to follow orders?”
Johnny chuckled. “Especially that. It’s weird. Whenever you defy authority, I feel such bone deep fondness, even when it pisses me off. That’s why I followed you to Dunhaven. Tony said –” he stopped abruptly.
“It’s all right, Johnny. Tony does know some facts.”
“Tony said that I knew you were up to something before you left Downey Division.”
“You should’ve confronted me. We wouldn’t be in this mess if you
had.”
“Then again,” Johnny said, “it might’ve been exactly what you needed for the final push that resulted in Datello’s arrest.”
“It would’ve happened, should’ve happened without you getting hurt. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for that.”
“I’ll settle for a promise from now on,” he said. “No more running headlong into danger. You go in with a team, preferably me and more armed officers than can be mowed down by the bad guys.”
“Deal.”
At least until the next wild idea hit me. If some cell in Johnny’s brain knew me at all, he had to realize that it was only a matter of time before my impatience sent me hurling out of control again. The fear of losing him was a little too fresh in my mind now, though. Stupidly, I thought that was enough.
The drive from Central Division to University Hospital was long enough to lull me into a sense of false belief that I was capable of changing a pattern of behavior that landed me and others in danger more often than not. Dare I say I felt optimistic when I pushed the door to Devlin’s room open?
He dropped the newspaper into his lap. “Look who the cat dragged in.”
“How are you feeling this morning?”
“Like somebody went fly fishing in my guts. They tell me I’m setting some kind of record for recovery after major surgery though. Doctor says that he might spring me out of here tonight instead of tomorrow morning.”
“Really? Dev, that’s great!”
“So I figured we needed to have a serious conversation before he comes in here with my walking papers. Chris said that if you weren’t serious about taking me home with you –”
“We were absolutely serious, Devlin. Johnny brought it up this morning again, that we’re expecting you to recuperate at home with us, not anywhere else.”
“So I guess either he’s come to his senses or is starting to remember you, huh?”
“A little of both, I think. At least he’s not insanely jealous anymore.”
“If this is what you want, I’m happy for you, Helen.”
I slumped into one of the chairs beside the bed. “I haven’t lied about how I feel about him, Devlin. Whether he remembers it or not, nobody has ever quite understood me the way Johnny does. That’s still there.”