by Rebecca Brae
The third job posting was the most promising. They want a practicing witch or wizard. I don’t know why they didn’t recruit directly from the union job bank—perhaps because they couldn’t decide which profession was the best fit. Their indecision left a bad taste in my mouth, but I’ll apply for it and see what happens. It sounds like an interesting opportunity:
RESPONSIBILITIES:
Maintaining a house of horrors (love the idea of having my own house)
Creating new tricks / creatures / scares (oh yeah!)
Working with the public (not super excited about this, but I did enjoy terrifying villagers, so . . . maybe)
Assisting with fiscal duties (who doesn’t love counting coin?)
Rotating food prep duties (hope they like gingerbread & Mean Cuisine)
Managing a small team (they must mean the house monsters . . . they can be pesky, but I’m willing to give it a go)
APPLICANTS MUST BE:
Independent (you betcha) but willing to work in a team environment (as long as there’s no homicidal druids and wizards)
Willing to work irregular hours (those are my favourite)
Open to new experiences (better than the same old crappy ones)
Accepting of different personalities and customs (after Mother and Crone, I feel capable of handling anything)
Used to travelling (am I ever)
Able to think outside the box (I don’t know what this means, unless they’re worried about Larry Fishbone from Grimoire College applying—he had an unfortunate accident while he was a student, but the faculty managed to salvage his brain and plop it into a jar. For a preserved organ, he was a surprisingly popular and astute professor. Though, I guess in that case they would have said, “able to think outside the jar.” So, yeah, no clue.)
Flamboyant personality and eccentricity an asset (not sure about the flamboyant part . . . I hope they don’t expect me to self-combust. I’ve lost enough robes.)
AFTER I SENT off my application, Magda and I had a good talk about Justin and our familiars. She was shocked at what they had done and agreed that some kind of response was warranted. We gently informed Herman and Missera, who were livid to discover they were pawns in a nefarious scheme to destroy our careers, and then spent an invigorating eventide plotting.
To start, we decided the best revenge would be to ensure everyone knows how wonderful our familiars are. News travels faster than fire in the union, so if we enlist Ouleah’s help, Justin and his mother should hear in no time how wasted their efforts were.
Magda feared that anything we did to expose their interference would result in an assignment of new familiars. Despite all reason, we’ve grown fond of Herman and Missera. Herman is a terrible grump, but so am I. It probably takes one to put up with one. We would never willingly give them up, and we made sure they knew this, as they were both feeling delicate after the whole sabotage revelation.
With that option off the table, we pored through Magda’s tomes and came up with an ingenious revenge. I knew the Two-faced Mirror Hex was perfect the moment I saw it. The set-up is extensive, especially since I need to transform Herman into something more mobile. He has to gain access to Justin’s mother’s office at WU Headquarters and steal items closely associated with her and her son so I can target the spell. Herman is naturally nosy and larcenous, so it shouldn’t be too much of a stretch.
I felt it was too risky to send him in alone and Missera immediately volunteered. The two of them will be victorious. Their cunning multiplies exponentially when together.
Magda has all the spell components, which is a stroke of luck. I promised to reimburse her the moment I have coin. I feel bad about not being able to contribute now, but she told me not to worry. She’s so excited about the hex and union infiltration that she’s bordering on giddy. So are Herman and Missera. I never thought I’d see a sun with all of us happy about the same thing.
As I expended my magickal energy at the job bank, I’m unable to change His Squishiness into something less, well, squishy this eventide. He has to wait until the morn and is sulking on the back of Magda’s couch. I can tell because his antennae are droopy and his body is scrunched up on itself (when he’s content, he spreads). At least we were able to hash out what form he wants to try next.
A gershuat armadillo didn’t make sense to me at first. And then it did. I’m sure being armoured holds a certain appeal, but something tells me the ability to spit acid has more to do with it. It also has a great deal to do with my hesitation. I have only agreed because he solemnly promised not to spit on anything or anyone without my express permission (which will not be forthcoming, but I didn’t let him in on that). The armadillo will at least be speedier than his slug form, so it should work fine for our plan.
I just had a yawning fit. I thought Missera was joining in, but Herman said she’s realigning her jaw after eating a mouse. She’s curled up beside me, looking far too cute in her flowered sleeping bonnet to have just killed and devoured a rodent. That must have been one confused mouse.
Wendias, Seed Moon 17, 209
MAGDA WAS SO keen that she couldn’t sleep and spent the night gathering and organizing supplies. She also took this sun off work so we could proceed with our plan right away. Yes. Magda played hooky! This shall go down in history (or at least my diary) as the most notable of suns.
Herman’s slug to armadillo transmutation went off without a hitch. He waddles in his new form but his mobility is adequate. Justin’s mother will never guess that he was the cockroach she assigned to me. Missera is accompanying him through the union maze, but will wait outside the Familiar Department offices to avoid being recognized. She’ll only enter if there’s a commotion.
It was interesting listening to them develop a plan. They work well together and their sneakiness indeed knows no bounds. Magda and I were quite proud.
Magda sewed Herman a sweet little set of bags that sit on either side of his back and tie together under his belly. She figured he should have something to hide his pilfered goods in. Thankfully, she’s more skilled with a needle than I am.
And that brings us to where we are now. Magda and I are hanging out in the pub across the street from WU Headquarters, watching our familiars slither and trundle across the square. I admit I’m nervous, even though I have every confidence in their ability to carry out this mission. They were born to do this kind of thing.
MAGDA AND I polished off a pint of ale each and there is still no sign of our familiars. It’s taking too long. What is going on? Are they in trouble? Do they need help? Why oh why did we decide this was a good idea?
It’s too risky for us to go in and track them down, as we will surely be recognized, but if they don’t come out soon, we will.
May the Goddess watch over them and sweep their path clear of obstacles. If she doesn’t, and they are hurt in any way, not even Her benevolence will save the perpetrators from our wrath.
PROBLEM SOLVED. MAGDA wore a ring with a crystal sphere on it and we were able to charge the quartz with enough power to turn it into a mini crystal ball. My eyes hurt from squinting at the tiny image, but it works, much to Magda’s surprise. She’s never considered improvising a crystal ball like that before.
The union has anti-spy sigils covering various offices, but the Familiar Department must not have been deemed important enough to protect. They obviously weren’t expecting trouble from the likes of us. As witches are sensitive to this kind of magickal spying, we’re doing our best to avoid detection by limiting ourselves to quick peeks. So far, it’s working.
Last we saw, Herman was sitting on a chair in Justin’s mother’s office perusing a densely lettered parchment. Justin’s mother was scowling at the foreshortened legs on his chair. There were small puddles on the floor around each leg from which a vapor rose. I suspect Herman couldn’t get up into the chair so he decided to do some spitting and bring the chair down to him. Guess his acidic saliva has already come in handy. This is one time I won’t be chastising
him.
Our best guess is that he was delayed because he didn’t have an appointment. We knew that could be an issue but decided it was better to have the element of surprise on our side. Less time to be found out.
Missera has also been busy. She got into the walls and has worked her way up to the ceiling above the office to keep an eye on Herman.
HAHA. WE JUST checked on them again and our timing couldn’t have been better. Missera dropped from the ceiling onto the receptionist. From the looks of things, his screaming was enough to get everyone out of their offices, including Justin’s mother.
Herman took the opportunity to knock over her broom and search through her broom bags. We didn’t focus on him long enough to see what he found because Magda wanted to go back and check on Missera.
She was fine, already back in the outer hall complete with a wickedly snaky grin. I expect they’ll be out in short order.
IT IS DONE. Whenever Justin or his mother looks in a mirror, their reflection will be a giant cockroach. It’s a benign hex, no real harm, but it’ll be a royal nuisance. They’ll know exactly who did it too, but they won’t be able to tell anyone for fear of exposing what they did. Balance restored!
Although my magick is beyond drained, I feel energized in a way I haven’t for a long time. Nothing is as satisfying as coordinated cursing in pursuit of justified vengeance, especially when it’s carried out with your best friends. I’m sure even Hekate would approve.
Herman and Missera escaped WU Headquarters without any major incidents. I have no doubt there were a few minor acid meltings along the way, but I don’t care. They were unharmed and in possession of a detailed sketch of Justin and his mother in front of a six-legged horse statue. When I saw his smug face grinning back at me, I wanted to call a fire elemental and burn it to ash. For once, I practiced restraint.
We cast the Two-faced Mirror Hex in one of the groves at the park near Magda’s apartment. There were lots of elementals hanging around who were all too eager to help.
The only thing left for me to do is hide the focus mirrors that hold the hexes in place. If I secrete them away somewhere remote, they’ll never be able to find them and break the curses. The Gingerbread Hut forest would be perfect. Perhaps I’ll make a covert trip there while I’m waiting to hear back about a new job.
Magda insisted we go through a cleansing ritual when we got home to remove any residual energy from our hexing. She sprayed everything and everyone with a cleansing essence, and filled her apartment with purifying incense smoke. It was like being back in the hut on the moors.
I can’t blame her. This may spur Justin and his mother to strike at us again, but I suspect they’ll think twice. Magda’s magickal prowess is well established among Aestradorra witch circles and no doubt my exploits, no matter how accidental, have been making the rounds at the union. I might not be proud of them, but summoning phoenixes, even in halves, transmuting a witch into a caterpillar with a potion, and drawing Hekate’s attention are no small feats. If I knew someone who had done those things, I would certainly keep my distance. In fact, after writing all that out, I really wish I could.
In her usual thorough fashion, Magda also created a Witch Jar for each of us. They act as decoys. If anyone casts a hex on us, the spells will be attracted to the jars and caught in them. I’ve never seen one made before. After cleansing the containers, she put a lock of my hair in mine, a toenail clipping from Herman in his, some moulted skin from Missera in hers, and a drop of blood from herself in her own. Then she added salt, a length of bramble thorns, and some kind of glowing herb to each and cast a spell. I don’t know where she found the energy. She is amazing.
The Witch Jars are now on top of the cupboards in Magda’s kitchen. She’ll keep an eye on them and know as soon as one catches a hex. We warned Herman and Missera not to disturb them and they readily agreed.
If Justin and his mother foolishly choose to retaliate, Magda said she would set about balancing the equation with the help of her coven. I’ve never heard her speak in such a deeply serious tone before. She’s such a sweetheart to me that sometimes I forget she’s also a badass witch.
Cerridias, Seed Moon 18, 209
WELL, THIS HAS been an interesting sun. I wasn’t sure I would have time to write in here this eventide as I’ve been wickedly busy experimenting with reversal potions and dealing with my ever-expanding entourage.
We have been keeping the windows and curtains closed, so as not to attract the moth, but it was a futile effort. Bob showed up early this morn with Mothlady in tow. And the baby bunny.
Magda and I were in the middle of an experiment when a horrible screeching and pinging of metal sounded outside her bay window. We found Bob perched on a small iron balcony with the bunny tucked into the crook of his arm. We narrowly managed to haul them in before the balcony tore away from the wall and clattered to the street. My back may never forgive me. Thankfully, it was early enough that there were no pedestrians. Magda told the landlord it fell off and didn’t mention the gargoyle precursor. I doubt it’ll get fixed. It’s a good thing she doesn’t care. Gardening was never her thing.
I don’t think Bob intended to land on the balcony. He must have done so once he realized the window was closed. Then again, breaking things has never stopped him before, so I’m stumped.
Mothlady flew in during the rescue. She got tangled in the curtains and the ensuing wrestling match raised a thick cloud of dust. Neither Magda nor Missera appear to be allergic. That’s a bonus.
Magda was the only one happy to see the moth, despite the swath of destruction from her erratic flight through the apartment. She collected samples to test in her work lab. Magda has more toys at her disposal there.
I had a hard time not laughing at Herman. Despite his new armoured form, he is terrified of Mothlady. He let out a high-pitched squeal and rolled into a ball as soon as she burst in. I tried to help him out by nudging him in the direction of the couch so he could hide under it, but that just turned him into a rolling, squealing, armour-plated ball. Not the most survival-oriented reaction. I can see why gershuat armadillos developed armour.
Mothlady was in quite a panic. She flapped around the living room and kitchen, knocking over a bookcase and scattering components. Our Witch Jars were mercifully spared, but the parchments we’re recording our experiment results on went everywhere. It took me most of the sun to sort that mess out. What a waste of time, and just when we’re getting close. I should have been more diligent about numbering the pages.
After snuffing our candles and re-covering the window to hide the rising sun, I shooed Mothlady into a corner. She is very skittish and flies about at the slightest provocation, ramming into walls and whatever else is in her path. I always thought moths were delicate, but that is definitely not the case.
Despite this morn’s excitement, Magda wanted to go out to celebrate our successful hexing. We arranged to meet at The Haunted Bonnet when she finished work. I attempted to sneak out of the apartment and failed. Herman was keeping close tabs on me.
Herman and Missera insisted on coming, so I shoved them in my cloak and walked to the tavern (after we waited for Missera to pick out a hat—a sweet little black number with a spiderweb veil, spider included). We were the first of the after work crowd to arrive and the place was empty save for one snoring regular in a back corner. I ordered a pint for myself and a half for Missera and Herman. That was when I noticed Bob’s stony countenance at the other end of the bar. His bunny hopped onto the counter and lapped up the puddles of spilled drink.
The bartender, who was already looking nervous, beat a hasty retreat to the kitchens when Mothlady bounced off the doorframe and skidded in. Sighing, I poured myself another two pints and withdrew to a table at the back. I can’t blame the bartender. A gargoyle, bunny, and monstrous moth, on top of a frazzled witch, armadillo, and be-hatted snake is a bit much. Still, I expected a place called The Haunted Bonnet to employ heartier staff.
Mothlady flapped aro
und and eventually settled on top of a copper vat of mead. Out came her proboscis and there she sat for the rest of the eventide. I didn’t let on that I knew her in hopes that the tavern wouldn’t know who to seek reimbursement from. I’m sure she drained the vat.
Once Mothlady settled, my squealing armadillo reappeared from under the table and waddled off with Missera to join a game of dice with a group of newcomers.
Magda was surprised to see the whole crew when she arrived. I explained it wasn’t intentional (at least on my part). Lucky for us, they were all engrossed in various pastimes and we enjoyed some much needed alone time to sip and chat.
It was lovely to have a good natter with Magda. Both of our families can be overwhelming and critical, so we commiserated about that. Then we lamented about our dating lives, or rather lack thereof.
I don’t understand why Magda is still single. She doesn’t want to be and she’s such a wickedly smart, fun person. There has to be someone amazing out there for her. Problem is, most of the guys she meets are okay for the first few dates and then they go weird.
I’ve had a few of those myself, though not lately as I haven’t had the time. No. That’s not it. I think I’m just happy being single and can’t be bothered to spare the time. There’s more interesting diversions afoot. Hmmm. Yeah, that’s not it either.