by Linda Ford
“Jenny, are you pretending you can’t see me? Can’t hear me?”
She realized she sat with her eyes closed and opened them. Forced herself to meet his gaze. Her heart cracked at the concern she saw. Quickly, she patched the crack and smiled, knowing it probably looked as false as it felt. “I see you just fine.”
“You aren’t going to tell me what happened, are you?”
“Not ever.”
He chuckled. “At least now I know for sure something did.”
She heaved out hot frustrated air. She’d revealed more than she wanted. But it didn’t change anything. Her secret would never be revealed. “It doesn’t take two of us to sit with Meggie. Do you want me to stay with her?”
“I’ll stay. After all, this is my fault.”
“Fine. I’ll go help Paquette.”
“Jenny?” He reached for her.
But she slipped away. There was nothing either of them could say to change the reality of their situation. She would stay another day or two—only as long as it took for Meggie to recover. And then she would return home.
Burke watched her leave, wishing things could be different. He said she might be the sort of woman to live here. It was only wishful thinking on his part. She belonged no more than Flora, though he knew she wouldn’t likely end up in an asylum. What had quenched her vivid spirit he’d glimpsed at unguarded moments? He tried to convince himself it didn’t matter. But he longed to know, longed to see her enjoy life to the fullest.
Did God care about such details?
His mother seemed to think so. As did Jenny. But so far, he’d managed quite well without God’s help.
Or had he?
Would God have changed things for Flora if he asked? He hadn’t, but almost certainly her parents had, so the answer was probably not.
But could he manage to raise Meggie without making mistakes? Big mistakes that would create calamity? Maybe he needed God’s help in that area, though he wasn’t sure how he could expect to see it. How would he know if God did intervene in some way? Could he ask for something specific—sort of a test?
He didn’t like the idea one bit. It felt like challenging God, which he wasn’t about to do. Guess he’d just continue as he had been doing. Managing on his own as best he could, accepting the consequence of his mistakes, hoping to learn from them and do better in the future.
Meggie wakened and cried. Jenny hurried in. “Paquette says to smear her again.”
He welcomed Jenny’s help caring for Meggie. Wished he could have it into the foreseeable future. But no point in wanting things he couldn’t have.
But if it didn’t feel so wrong he would almost be glad Meggie’s pain had given him reason enough to put off telling Jenny it was time to leave.
But he couldn’t put it off forever.
Knowing the time would come far too soon, pain drove cruel fingers through his gut.
By evening Meggie seemed better, though she still refused to walk so he hung about, carrying her from place to place.
She did allow him to seat her at Jenny’s side for supper and she ate a small amount.
While Paquette and Jenny cleaned the kitchen Burke took Meggie outside. He hoped Jenny would go for their customary evening walk even though she’d been cool and businesslike since their morning conversation.
Paquette came out first, a buckskin bag hung over her shoulder, and headed off across the prairies without a backward look.
He watched her.
“She says she’s going to find more healing plants.”
He hadn’t noticed Jenny coming out and jerked around at her voice. She stood framed in the doorway, the sun pooling in her features and bathing her in a golden glow. She looked as if she’d been kissed by sunlight. His heart drank in the sight, letting it drench every corner, revealing secrets hidden in the dark.
He wanted to share his life with her.
He swallowed hard. It wasn’t possible. She had promised to marry another even though he suspected she didn’t love this Ted fellow. To please her pa. Or was it because she didn’t want to admit to being the person she truly was?
The woman created by God.
One thought triggered another in rapid succession.
If she was running from who she was, wasn’t she running from God? And would God see fit to intervene if that was the case?
He didn’t know. But somehow it felt as if God was on his side. He held the thought carefully, wishing he had time to examine it more closely.
Perhaps, in this case, it was fine to ask God to listen to his prayer. God, you know my doubts, my uncertainties. But this one thing I’m certain of. Jenny is hiding from something. Show her how to deal with it. Help her.
He wanted to ask for more. For Jenny to be willing to stay on the ranch. To help with Meggie. To stay for him.
But he couldn’t ask for all that. It was too selfish.
“Ready for our walk?” he asked.
She quirked an eyebrow as if to ask when it had become “our walk.” Then she nodded. “I could use some fresh air.”
Meggie rested happily in his arms as they headed for the barn. She sat on the floor as mama cat greeted her but insisted on being carried again as they went to see the horses. He held her as she touched each muzzle and giggled.
Then they headed for the open prairie.
Sure she needed fresh air. However, she didn’t need to accompany Burke to get it. But for the life of her she couldn’t refuse the opportunity even though she’d been angry with him for poking at her deepest feelings. How often had she wondered why God made her a woman bound by the constraints of her society? She looked about the rolling grassland. Out here, the boundaries were different—pushed back like the horizon was. Perhaps if she’d met Burke earlier….
There she went again, chasing after dreams, ignoring her parents’ wise counsel. She reined in her feelings. She would not be making that mistake again.
Some persistent voice whispered, “How is Burke a mistake?” The mistake was in thinking this visit could be anything more than that—a visit with a task to do.
Meggie babbled away contentedly in Burke’s arms.
Jenny wondered if Meggie’s legs still hurt or if she was enjoying the attention so much she intended to pretend they did. Not that she could blame the little girl. And if it meant Meggie and Burke grew closer, well, all the better.
She sought for something to talk about that would take her mind from these wayward travels. “Is there church in Buffalo Hollow?”
“Not that I know of. Why?”
“Nothing’s been said. I’ve seen no sign of anyone attending. So I wondered. Lena would surely want Meggie raised to go to church.”
Burke sighed. “I expect that’s so.”
“But?”
“I hadn’t thought about the necessity. Didn’t seem important until now.”
She chuckled, knowing he’d likely given the whole idea little if any thought. “Would you have gone even if there was a church?”
He gave her a mocking grin. “You have come to know me too well, I fear.”
The thought burned through her careful self-control. Did she know him? Not as well as she wanted. She tried to think of Ted. Did she know him any better? She had no idea how he felt about God. Did he go to church out of habit or conviction? Had he faced troubles? If he had—or when he did—what would his reaction be? Would he be like Burke and say it proved God wasn’t interested in details of human existence? She’d never asked him any of these questions. In fact, they had never discussed anything but daily occurrences—how many people had come into the store, the pleasure of the new shipment—mundane stuff about his business interests. She knew practically nothing about Ted and had absolutely no curiosity about him. How odd when her heart yearned to peel back every layer of Burke’s thinking until she saw the pulsing core of his thoughts.
She realized he watched her with a bemused expression, as if aware she’d done a mental side trip. It required a great effort t
o bring herself back. “So would you have gone?” She guessed he might have with Flora’s urging but not otherwise.
“I would have considered it when Flora was here.”
She laughed, pleased she had guessed correctly. “And never before or since. Funny, I thought that might be your answer.”
He shifted Meggie to one arm and caught her hand. “I might see the value of attending if I had someone to go with me.”
He was asking again for her to stay. Using his need to go to church as an incentive. Her thoughts ran away like wild horses turned free. She imagined sitting beside him in a church, singing together, worshipping together. It held appeal like she’d never before felt at church attendance. The skin across her cheeks shrank as guilt flared up her throat. She’d let her willful spirit turn worship into a—she swallowed hard—a romantic event. God forgive her. “I guess you’ll see what can be done to start services so you can attend, seeing as you have someone to go with.”
Hope flared in his eyes. “I do?”
She couldn’t pull from the warmth in his eyes even though she knew it was wrong. His dark gaze seemed to seek and find secrets in her heart. Secrets she longed to share with someone who wouldn’t consider them scandalous. But they were. Furthermore, even her present thinking was wrong and shameful. She had promised to marry another. Yes, of her parents’ choosing, but she trusted her parents, knew they understood her, cared only about what was best for her. They’d seen where her rebellious spirit led and had protected her from the damage she might have incurred.
Her fingers cramped. She realized she curled her hands into tight fists and used the pain to fuel her resolve. “You have Meggie to go to church with you.”
Disappointment flared through his eyes. His smile flattened and his cheeks appeared wooden. “I see you’re still running.”
His assessment stung. “I am making what I consider to be a wise decision.”
He snorted—a sound ripe with mockery. “Wise or safe? Or is it fear that makes you cling to what your father decides for you?”
She breathed so hard she wondered if her nostrils flared. “I am not afraid of anything. Never have been. Never will be.”
“Then why are you prepared to return home to marry a man you don’t love?”
He touched her arm so gently she couldn’t pull away, couldn’t deny herself the comfort his touch brought, melting away, as it did, her anger and fear. Yes, she feared where her own desires would lead her but at this moment, with his fingers warming her elbow and his eyes kind and pleading, none of that mattered.
“Jenny, tell me you don’t feel a little excitement at the idea of being part of building something solid in this new land. Then I will believe you don’t secretly long to stay here.” His voice lowered and he brushed his hand up to her shoulder. She thought he meant to kiss her by the way he looked at her. She couldn’t think past her longing for him to do so.
But he waited.
She realized he expected her to say something but couldn’t, for the life of her, remember what they’d been talking about. All she could think was how nothing else mattered but being here with Burke, Meggie safely sheltered in his arm. It would take only one step for her to be as safely sheltered in his other arm.
“No,” she wailed. She would not allow it to happen. Not again would she allow her emotions or her longings to control her actions. “This is all wrong.” She fled back to the house, remembering only after she stood panting inside the kitchen that she had to put Meggie to bed.
She struggled with her thoughts. She knew what was right for her. Being here threatened that. As soon as Meggie felt better she would be leaving. A trickle of guilt pulled at her conscience. Paquette was not able to deal with an active two-year-old. However, that was not her concern. It was Burke’s.
But what about her promise to Lena?
Surely, Lena would understand she’d done the best she could. Her resolve firmly under control, she put on her most calm face and turned to face Burke as he stepped through the door. She moved to take Meggie. “It’s time for this little one to go to bed.”
Meggie protested weakly at the idea then came to Jenny arms.
“Good night.” She waited for him to leave.
He hesitated, correctly reading the dismissal in her face. She wasn’t prepared to discuss this any further. “Very well. If that’s how you want it. Just think about what you’re giving up.”
She quirked an eyebrow questioningly before she could stop herself and pretend she didn’t wonder exactly what he meant. Before he could respond she headed for the bedroom. She tried but failed to stop her thoughts from making a list of what she was giving up—the open prairie, the sense of adventure, a chance to conquer the land as he’d said. All of those things paled in comparison to the knowledge she would give up a chance to share her life with Burke. Not that he had exactly said that. He wanted someone to help with Meggie. That’s all. She needed to keep the truth clearly before her.
She didn’t love him. She couldn’t. As she prepared Meggie for bed, she prayed. Father God, keep me pure and true. Strengthen my resolve.
Meggie fell asleep almost immediately and Jenny returned to the kitchen. Paquette had not come back and she used the chance to write another letter home. She had to fill the pages without revealing the truth of her heart—that she cared for Burke far more than she should. So she described the prairie.
I want to laugh with joy when I see the wind ripple the grass. And the sunsets and sunrises are so beautiful they make my heart glad. It’s a bold, new land that requires strong people. The men are adventuresome. I’ve met few women but the ones I have seem full of grit and good humor. It makes me want to get to know them better.
She went on to describe how Meggie was doing.
Burke took her for a long horseback ride yesterday and we are all paying for it today. She is very sore. Paquette mixed up some native ointment that seemed to relieve her suffering. Meggie is sleeping now.
I wonder how she will do when I leave. A two-year-old needs so much attention.
Should she explain Paquette would be helping Burke? She could see no reason not to do so.
Burke expects Paquette to care for Meggie while he is out. I try not to worry how it will work. As soon as I am reasonably happy with the situation in regards to Meggie’s care I will return home as promised.
She closed a few lines later and sealed the letter, ready to be taken to town the next time someone went.
A glance out the window revealed it was almost dark. Paquette was not yet back. Of course she would be fine. As Burke said, she was born here. Could probably find her way home blindfolded. But for her peace of mind, Jenny decided to wait up until the older woman was safely back home.
Chapter Nine
Jenny stared out into the night. A lamp glowed from the bunkhouse window, an echo of the lamp on the table behind her. Otherwise, the prairie was dark and silent.
Several times she’d gone to the veranda and listened. Apart from the evening rustle of the horses settling down and the gentle lowing of the milk cow, the only sound was the far–off yipping of coyotes. She strained to hear something indicating that Paquette had made her way back.
Nothing.
Jenny’s neck tingled. She couldn’t shake her tension. Didn’t know if she should be worried or not.
She turned from the window and walked to the bedroom. Meggie slept. On the off chance Paquette had slipped in unnoticed—and Jenny knew it was impossible—she peeked into Paquette’s room. The narrow, fur-covered cot was empty. She glanced around the room, noting the herbs hanging from the rafters, the little baskets lining a shelf. She smiled. It looked and smelled like Paquette—a comforting presence.
Where was the woman? How long did she wait before she notified Burke?
She returned to staring out the window, feeling alone and abandoned. Burke and the men were only a few yards away, yet were totally unaware of the situation.
Her heart squeezed out a flood of w
orry. Surely Paquette should be back by now. Something must have happened. She refused to think of what that “something” might be.
She checked again to make sure Meggie slept soundly then obeyed her instincts and marched over to the bunkhouse. The sound of laughter and deep voices came from inside; she heard the creak of wood, like someone tipping a chair or—she swallowed hard, knowing she approached forbidden territory. Forbidden or not, she must talk to Burke. She rapped on the door. Instant silence greeted her knock.
She called, “It’s me, Jenny. I need to talk to Burke.”
Lots of shuffling and whispering ensued and then the light shifted. It reappeared when the door opened, held in Burke’s hand.
“You need me?”
Was she crazy or did she hear a welcome longing in his voice? Now was not the time to let her emotions take over. “It’s Paquette.”
Burke’s expression shifted through a range of emotions—surprise, disappointment and then concern. “What’s wrong?”
“She’s not back. I don’t know if I should be worried or not. But I thought you should be the one to decide.” The words came like a bolt of lightning. She didn’t realize until she spoke just how concerned she was. “Should she be out this late? Is she safe out there after dark? What if something has happened to her?”
“Whoa. Slow down.” He gripped her shoulder.
His touch calmed her. He would know what to do.
He turned to the men. “Boys, we need to find Paquette.”
“Aww, boss. I’m tired,” Dug moaned but grunted as if getting to his feet. From the thumping inside the bunkhouse, she guessed they all pulled on boots.
“Meet me at the veranda. Bring me a horse.” Burke took Jenny’s hand and led her to the house. “You need to stay here with Meggie. If Paquette returns before we do, I need you to signal us.”
“How will I do that?”