Fearing Regret
Barbara Speak
Copyright © 2014 by Barbara Speak
Cover Art by: The Final Wrap
Edited by: Wendi Temporado
This ebook is protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America. Any reproduction or other unauthorized use of the material herein is prohibited.
This ebook is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are a product of the author’s imagination or are used factiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Flawlessly Broken Series
Finding Solace
Affliction
Fearing Regret
Fighting Fate (December 2014)
Table of Contents
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
CHAPTER 28
CHAPTER 29
CHAPTER 30
EPILOGUE
Acknowledgements
Something is pulling me to get my story out there. I figure if any of you can learn something from my mistakes, then I have at least saved someone from going through the pain I have endured. Life isn't always easy. Money doesn't bring happiness or joy. Loss is heartbreaking. Take a walk through my life for a moment. Don’t think about your own and then when you come back to it, remember everything that I've told you. My name is Kate and this is my story to tell.
CHAPTER 1
If I had to deal with one more jerk in my life, I was going to lose it. My soon to be ex- boyfriend had just stood me up again. Please, if you know the answer, tell me why it is that girls always fall for the biggest loser in the group? Yeah, I don't know that either. The only thing I knew at the time was I needed to call my best friend, so that’s exactly what I did. Oh, and by the way, my name is Katherine but everybody calls me Kate.
"Hello? Kara, can you hear me? I need you. What are you doing and why's there all that noise?"
I could hear she was out already. I just needed her to tell me where and I was on my way.
"Kate! What's up, girly? I can barely hear you. Hold on a second until I can get somewhere that I can hear you better. Damn this place is crazy tonight."
She was screaming into the phone, forcing me to hold my arm way out so she didn't blow my eardrum.
"Kara, quit screaming. Just tell me where you're at."
"Kate, why aren't you out with Jarrett?"
"That asshole didn't show up again! I'm dressed, ready to go and have been for two hours now. I'm done Kara!"
"You should've been done a long ass time ago. He was never good enough for you. Quit settling!"
"I don't need to hear this. I need a drink. Where are you?"
"I don't know the name. Chad and the guys come here a lot, I just rode along. Hold on, let me ask somebody."
I could hear her even after she pulled the phone away from her ear. She had to be in the bathroom because everything she said echoed.
"It’s called Bar 51. It’s not actually bad either. I don't know why we’ve never been here before."
"At this point I wouldn't care if it was a total dive. I need a drink. Hell, I needed one an hour ago. I'm on my way."
"Do you need directions? I could get them from one of the guys?"
"I have navigation on my phone. I'll be good. See you in a few. Love you, girl."
"All right, love you too. Oh, we're in the front, right next to the bar as you walk in."
"I'll find you. Just have one ready for me. Actually, have a bucket. It’s going to be one of those nights."
"That's what I'm talking about!"
I hung up the phone and grabbed my purse. As I walked out of my house and got in my car, I thought to myself: how is it that I can run one of the most re-noun charities for under privileged children in the country, yet I can't even manage my own personal life? I put the car in reverse and was almost out of my driveway, when I saw Jarrett's car coming down the street. I paused for a second, thinking maybe I should get an explanation for the two hour delay and then decided against it. He didn't even deserve my attention. I was done and that was that. I pulled out onto the road and drove off.
He started calling when he saw me drive away and I ignored it completely. He even had the nerve to follow me for a while, but eventually he gave up. Thank God for small favors. Ten minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of Bar 51. Kara was right. The place was packed.
I parked my car but when I walked around the building and saw the line to get in, it stopped me in my tracks. There had to be at least fifty people waiting. I walked to the end of the line and waited for about fifteen minutes before Kara was calling.
"Where are you?"
She sounded drunk already. I couldn't have been more jealous.
"I'm in line still. This place is insane. Are they giving away something at the door?"
"At the door? What are you talking about?"
"I'm just trying to figure out why there are so many people here. It's just a bar."
"I don't know, but it’s packed in here too. Do you want me to help out? The bouncer looks like he could be persuaded."
"Kara, don't you dare! I will see you soon enough. Just have those drinks ready."
"You’re no fun, but I will. See ya in a bit."
It took another twenty five minutes for me to get through the door and then five more to find my friends. When my eyes finally locked on their table, Kara was getting up and running to jump in my arms.
"You’re finally here!! Come on over. Your drinks are waiting."
She grabbed my hand and pulled me back over with her. Chad, Kara's husband, was across the table with a goofy grin on his face. Somebody else had too many already. Next to him sat Ryan and Chris. We had all been friends since college.
"Hey guys! What's up?"
I have known Kara my whole life practically. She and I met in kindergarten. Both of us came from families that were not struggling in the least, let’s put it that way. Our parents both made the choice that mainstreaming us was a good idea. Fortunately for us, our parents didn't listen to their bratty little girls, crying that they wanted to go to the elite private schools. They forced us to attend public like everyone else, giving us the chance to meet. As an adult now, I couldn't be more grateful. Whether I have money or not doesn't make me. Believe me, if it brought happiness like so many think, my life would be a hell of a lot different. Kara and I decided our senior year that we would go away to school and try to find our true selves along the way. What she found was Chad. I found more exes to add to my list. And believe me, it’s long.
Chad came along our sophomore year at Yale. We may have gone to public grade school, but there was no way either set of our parents would send us off to anything less than the best as far as college went.
I looked at Chad, leaned across the table so he could hear me and said, "What’s got you smiling so big?
"Kate, I'm just so happy you left that asshole and are out with us again. I’ve missed you."
I walked around the table and threw my arms around him.
"I missed you too. Jarrett actually dro
ve up as I was leaving. Can you believe he would still show up after two hours, with no form of communication whatsoever? I texted him, called him, I even left voice mails and still got nothing. Then he thinks he can just come any time and all is forgiven. Piece of shit!"
I grabbed a beer and slammed it. I started to look around at the crowd and realized how crazy it was that I grew up here and never had heard of this place. Just then Chad said, "Kate, you let them all walk all over you. When are you going to see that you always pick the same guy, they just look different on the outside?"
He was right and I knew it. I had a fantastic example to go off of with my parents and yet I couldn't find a decent man to save my life. I would have to trip over him and even then I would probably just say sorry and head for the asshole laughing at me.
"You're right. I think staying single for a while would be the best thing for me."
Chris leaned over so he could join the conversation and said, "Kate you are fantastic in every way. You could have any man you want. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and just have fun. Let me order you a shot of something. What would you like?"
I wanted to smack him for being so harsh, but he and I both knew what he was saying was true. I did need to stop the pity party and have fun.
"Goldschlager, please."
Kara came back from who knows where and said, "Make that two. Kate and I are going to have some fun tonight!"
I looked at her and just loved how much confidence she had. Kara was on the shorter side for a girl. She was only five foot two, but she would tell you it’s not the size that counts. Her hair was cut in an asymmetrical bob so one side of her head was damn near shaved. It was also as red as a tomato, but she could pull off anything. Her fierce green eyes could mesmerize anyone. She has always dressed ahead of the trends, but her spunk allows her to get away with murder. Everyone loved Kara.
Me, on the other hand, I was not so bold. I consider myself pretty boring actually. I’m five foot six with long brown hair and blue eyes. I wear a size five, so I'm not too skinny, but I am far from fat. It’s funny sometimes to me how we don't see in the mirror what everybody else does when they look at us. My whole life I have heard that I was stunning, naturally beautiful, blah blah blah! I see not exciting. I do what everyone else does. I dress how everyone else dresses. I fit in.
I looked up just as Chad brought over the shots for us. Kara and I each grabbed them, tapped our glasses together in cheers and then downed the contents. It burned, but I knew instantly that it was just what I needed.
“Do you want to do another one?"
Chad answered before Kara ever had a chance.
"I think you need one, but Kara is already on her way to puking. Let her pace herself a little.” Chad looked over to Kara and said, “Baby, why don’t you go grab it for Kate?"
Kara was definitely drunk. She just smiled at him and walked back over to the bar. The shot we had just taken was kicking in, on top of the beer I was consuming at lightning speed. It certainly didn't help that I never did get to eat any dinner.
Kara came back with two shots in hand.
"I thought you were going to slow down for a little bit?"
"Oh I am. These are both for you. Time to play catch up."
She placed them in front of me with a wicked grin on her face.
"What did you do? What's in these?"
"Don't be a wimp. Just drink up!"
I slammed one right after the other and then I almost threw up. "Yuck!!!"
"What in the hell did you give her Kara?"
Ryan looked pissed. He always was overprotective of me.
"Calm your ass down, Ryan. She needs to loosen up. I just helped her get there a little quicker."
I got up from the chair I had been sitting in to walk over to where the guys were. Just as I put my arms around the shoulders of Chris and Ryan, I heard Kara gasp. My head immediately followed her line of vision and there was Jarrett. He was searching the room frantic enough that I knew he was looking for me. My stomach dropped out. Now that I had some liquid courage, I knew I should go over to him and tell him what a piece he turned out to be, but I felt it better to let him find me.
Ryan looked around trying to see what had suddenly caught our attention and then grabbed me, pulling me onto his lap.
I was so surprised by Ryan that I forgot all about Jarrett until he walked up to us, staring directly at me.
"Kate. May I have a word with you?"
"No, you may not. You can go right back to whatever caused you to be two hours late to begin with."
"Kate, stop acting childish and let’s go."
Chad and Chris stood up at the same time. I could feel Ryan's legs contract like he would have also, if I weren't sitting on his lap. That didn't stop him from speaking up though.
"I think you need to turn around and walk back out the way you came in, Jarrett. Kate isn't going anywhere with you."
Jarrett looked directly at me and said, "I'm giving you one more chance and then I'm out of here."
I couldn't believe what he was saying. Give me one more chance? Had he lost his mind?
"I don't want another chance. I don't want anything from you, ever again. Thanks for coming. Hopefully I don't see you later."
Chad and Chris stood a little taller, intimidating the hell out of Jarrett. Not that he was a small man; he had nothing on the size of my friends. At that moment, veins were sticking out of Chad’s neck. He looked like he was going to pounce. Jarrett gave me one last look and then turned and walked away. Ryan still kept his hold on me. I attempted to get up, but he pulled me back down.
"Ryan, he's gone. You can let me go now."
"No, I can't. I don't trust that you won't go after him or that he isn't waiting somewhere for you to be alone. Just stay. I’m enjoying having you here anyway."
Kara came over and said, "Ryan, she will be fine. I just saw him go out the door. Let her go."
Ryan let me up, but when I turned, I saw something in his expression that confused me. Maybe in a sober state I would be able to figure it out, but I knew there wasn't a chance at that moment. Kara grabbed my hand and pulled me behind her.
"Where are you taking me?"
"We’re dancing! Just like old times. Remember how much fun we used to have back in college? Things aren't that much different, Kate. We're older not old. Have some fun."
I knew she was right. We used to party until the next morning and not have a care in the world. Now my job and my life had become so serious. I think maybe I did forget to throw some fun in the mix.
We walked out on the dance floor and immediately we were surrounded by guys. It felt great to just let loose and not think for a change. I'm pretty sure we were out there for a couple hours, only taking breaks to go the bathroom or grab another drink. Chad, Chris and Ryan even joined at one point. All five of us were having a blast and it felt great. When the bar closed, I had no choice but to call a cab. I was way too drunk to be driving. Ryan demanded he share one with me in case Jarrett was waiting at my house when I got home. I repeatedly told all of them that he may be a douchebag but he wasn't going to hurt me. Not one of them cared to hear what I was saying. Taking care of me was their priority and I couldn't be more grateful for friends like them. We all said our goodbyes and then Ryan and I got into our cab.
"I’m glad you came out tonight, it even looked like you were having fun."
He always loved to give me shit but something about the way he was looking at me was different. Ryan had always had looks on his side. He had blond short hair, a chiseled jaw which never lacked a five o'clock shadow and a mouth that would make every girls heart skip a beat. His eyes were a lot like mine, an icy blue color. His body was in great shape, but so were all the guys. Health and fitness was one of their main focuses. He graduated in the top of our class from Yale. He could have had any job he wanted, but he chose to stay true to his word. The three boys all agreed that together they would open a chiropractic office. Chad was going to be where
ver Kara wanted to be, which was home. So that's how we all ended up still being together after all this time.
I never thought about any of the guys past friendship. Friends are irreplaceable and relationships just screw that up. Kara and Chad are an exception to the rule. With Ryan, he had never come right out and said anything, but every now and then I would get a feeling he would want more if I was on board. The way he was looking at me was telling me so.
"I had a great time out with you guys again. I didn't realize it, but I kind of sheltered myself when I was with Jarrett. I'm sorry if I neglected my friends in the process. You included."
"You don’t need to apologize to me pretty girl. I’m always going to be here for you when you need me. Just promise to try harder to not do it again."
He was looking straight into my eyes when he grabbed my hand and kissed it. I knew at that moment, if I wanted something with Ryan, now would be the time to act. But I didn't. I wasn’t willing to lose him when things failed.
“You didn't have to come with me you know. Jarrett won't be there."
"I really don't think he would be stupid enough to be there either. I just wanted to make sure you got home safe."
Just as that was said, the cab driver pulled down my street. I looked out the window and could see my house. No one was waiting, just as I had suspected. We pulled into the driveway and I grabbed my purse to get money out when Ryan stopped me and said, "I got it covered. Don't you even look at me like that either, you know better than to think I would let you pay for a thing."
"I have my own money you know."
"Yes, I know you have plenty, but when you're with me, you will be taken care of. End of discussion. Now get out so the meter can stop running."
I looked at him and smiled. He knew just what to say to push my buttons.
"Next time you won't get out of this conversation so easily, Ryan Eaton."
I leaned over, brushed a kiss on his cheek and got out of the cab. They stayed in the driveway; I am sure due to Ryan's persistence, helping me see the buttons for the garage code more clearly. When the door began to open, I looked over my shoulder and blew Ryan a kiss goodbye.
Fearing Regret Page 1