Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  "Kate, I'm sorry I got mad at you earlier. It wasn't your fault."

  He looked pained to even get the words out. I had to fight back the smile that wanted to take over my face. Ash never would have done this on his own. Sadie was earning so many brownie points with me. To get him apologize would be next to impossible for anyone else. He didn't enjoy it or even stick around for a response. He said what he needed to say and then grabbed her hand and pulled her away. Once they were out of eye sight, I allowed the smile to come out. I was really starting to like this girl.

  I laughed and then went back to the bar for another shot. Well, I wasn't going for a shot initially, but the sight of all my friends in couples made me need one. Then I started to get pulled to here, there and everywhere talking to old family friends of my parents. Some I hadn't seen since I was little. Each one asked the same questions. Where is your date, why isn't your boyfriend here and my favorite, why isn't there a ring on this finger yet? When they asked, I never had a response they would accept. I needed to find the two people in the room that would leave me alone and just accept me.

  I found a waiter walking around with wine flutes and grabbed one off of his tray as I approached my parents.

  "Where did Ash and Sadie go?"

  "Your brother had the day planned out for them before he got the call about the party." She looked at my expression and then said, "Don't blame yourself completely Katherine, he shouldn't have forgotten our anniversary regardless of if you failed to tell him what attire it was."

  "Mom, I'm sorry. If it embarrassed you in any way...."

  "I will never feel shame when it comes to my children. Poor Sadie suffered, though. I was so proud of how she handled herself. She's a strong one Kate. I really hope they work out. Your father and I like her a lot. Did you see how she just let all of her fear go and became who she knows she is? It was empowering."

  Something about what she was saying rang closely to me. 'Is she meaning to do this?' is what I couldn't stop thinking about.

  "She is special for sure to Ash. The way he even looks at her mom. It’s like nothing I have ever seen out of him. I really hope that they work out."

  "Me too, sweetheart. Why are you drinking so much?"

  "Where did that come from?"

  "You're swaying when you stand. It's a pretty easy sign to see. What is going on between you and Ryan?"

  "Mom! Why would you ask that?"

  "Your reaction to my question is speaking volumes. What happened? The two of you were always so close. If anything, he adored you. Now I have watched the two of you share in maybe two sentence conversations, or otherwise avoid each other completely. Honey, you being over here instead of over there with them proves what I am saying. So spill, what happened?"

  "Um, uh, it’s just complicated Mom."

  "Well then un-complicate it. You can't let a bond like what you two share go."

  "It’s not that easy."

  "Sure it is. Put your fear aside. Life is scary, but you need to take some chances. Not everything can be safe all the time."

  "What if I ruin it all? I have never been so fearful of misjudging something Mom. I have been making so many bad decisions lately."

  "You mean Jarrett?"

  My jaw hit the floor.

  "What about Jarrett?"

  "Did you think we wouldn't find out? We have been waiting for you to come to us, but apparently that isn't going to happen, so I'm bringing it up."

  "How did you know?"

  "Your father knows a lot of people. The only reason we didn't come for you, is the man standing right over there. Your dad also had the assault charges against him go away. Anyone protecting our little girl will find all of our power used for their advantage. He did a good thing that day, Kate. As far Jarrett goes, your dad will make sure he has nothing. No job, no respect, nothing. But Kate, that doesn't mean you are poor at making decisions. It only means you try to see the best in people. It's one of the attributes you have that I admire the most. Don't lose who you are, fight for it."

  "I need to talk to Ryan."

  "Yes you do, but I would go outside and try to shake off some of the alcohol you've ingested, prior to having that conversation."

  "Mom, I'm scared. What do I even say?"

  "You say what comes natural. Have more faith in yourself. Don't let the past take away from who you are."

  I thought about that one for at least a good minute. I was done with it all. If I made mistakes, so be it. I hated this sorry, poor me attitude I had been carrying around.

  "Thanks Mom, you're the best."

  "I know, dear. I try at least. Now, go!"

  I walked out the door and bathed in the sunshine for a minute. 'I am a little tispy and its not even 5:00 yet' was my thought before I felt a hand grab my arm roughly and I was being pulled to the side of the entrance. It was hard for me to turn and see who it was but I knew in my gut already and I didn't want to look.

  "You stupid bitch! How dare you think you can treat me like that!"

  He turned me around so fast my world was spinning.

  "Jarrett, I didn't. I treated you with respect. You didn't show up that night or all the times before that. I didn't do anything."

  He was squeezing my arms so hard that I was getting bruises. I could feel them practically forming. I made one last attempt to reason with him, "Jarrett, listen, I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. What do you think you are going to gain from this? Let me go now!"

  "I don't give a fuck. I expect you to.."

  I ran my knee as hard as I could into his sack. Piece of shit!

  He let go of my arms as he went down on his knees. That's when I kicked him in the face.

  "Don't you ever touch me again! Do you hear me? There is no one protecting me now, it's me. Me that just showed you what I will put up with."

  He was on his side, on the ground, wailing about how much he hurt.

  "You broke my tooth, you fucking bitch!"

  "Good!"

  I turned to walk away, so proud of myself. I never in a million years thought I could do something like that. 'Ha!' I was relishing in the moment without paying attention, so when I attempted to walk, he grabbed my ankle and jerked as hard as he could. By this time I was almost around the corner. That's where I went down. I broke my fall with my hands but never got the chance to get free before Ryan was out the door and kicking Jarrett in the stomach.

  Once my ankle was released, I was screaming, "Ryan stop! He's out. He can't fight back. Ryan!"

  He wouldn't stop and I was afraid of what was going to happen.

  "Ryan, I'm okay. Please stop!"

  His foot didn't finish the momentum that it had built up. He came to stand on both feet and turned to me slowly. Once our eyes met, he was rushing to me and taking me in his arms. The adrenaline was still running through both of us so strongly. I couldn't tell which heartbeat was mine as we stayed locked in each other arms. My head rested on his shoulder, as he pet my hair to soothe me. Eventually I lifted my head and looked up into his eyes. He searched my face for marks and then his eyes came to rest on mine. His hands gripped my cheeks and the yearning I felt to kiss him almost took over. We stood there, never looking away, until whatever her name was came out through the door. My back was to her but there was no question as to who it was, especially when Ryan dropped his hold on my face and took a step back.

  "What are you guys doing out here?"

  Duh, came to mind. I know, real mature, but seriously, didn't she see?

  I was shocked silent, when I noticed that Jarrett was no longer laying on the ground or anywhere else for that matter. Ryan shared my look of shock, then turned toward her and said, "I just needed to talk to Kate for a moment. Sorry Avery, let’s go back inside. I didn't mean to leave you in there so long by yourself. It was very rude of me, let’s go get a drink."

  He took her by the small of her back softly and led her inside, never looking back. I knew in that moment that Ryan and I had no chance at a fu
ture together. He put it on me when I got out of bed scared that morning but he could have just chosen me just now and he didn't. Obviously, we were meant to stay what we had always been, friends. I just needed to accept that and move on.

  I stayed outside a little longer, attempting to collect myself. Once the nerves seemed to subside, what just happened hit me. A huge smile spread across my face. The sense of empowerment I felt allowed me to walk back inside a completely different person from the one that walked out twenty minutes prior.

  Never in a million years would I have thought I could do something like that to anyone, especially not Jarrett, and I did it on my own. Ryan helped in the end, but it was mine to own. I was done being walked on.

  When I came back up to the bar, I walked straight over to my friends. Kara looked at me suspiciously so she was the one I started with.

  "Hey girl, everyone having fun?"

  The look became even more pronounced.

  "We’re all fine. What's going on with you? And why are you looking at me like that?"

  "Like what? I'm just ready to party, are you saying you’re not?"

  "Uh, no. I never said anything like that. But don't think for a second you're not telling me later where you were, what happened and why you came back with such a gleam about you. I would swear you just had sex, but I know that didn't happen."

  "Can we just get a drink for now?"

  Kara turned to everyone and said, "It's party time!"

  Chad ended up carrying Kara to the car because she couldn't walk she was so drunk. Chris stayed behind so he could take the bartender out after he got off work. My parents had a great time which truly was all that was important and I was officially drunker than drunk. I know, I forgot to mention Ryan and Avery. That's because I hate to admit it, but I liked her and they really did look cute together. She might be a little different from us but she was sweet and she adores Ryan. He deserves someone like that and I was ready to just be happy for them.

  I was waiting for a cab outside when a chill brushed over me. All of the sudden a flashback of Jarrett grabbing me came to mind and a sense of panic started to set in when I heard, "Why are you out here by yourself? Would you like some company?"

  I had never heard that particular voice before, but it wasn't scary, it sounded genuine and sincere.

  I turned to see a tall man, with light brown hair, dressed in a suit, standing there expecting a response.

  "Oh, um, I'm just waiting for my cab. It’s okay, you don't have to wait with me."

  He stepped a little closer. "I know I don't have to, but I would like to, that is if you don't mind."

  A blush covered my cheeks and I reached my hand out saying, "My name is Kate and you are?"

  "Scott Richardson, it's nice to finally meet you."

  The word finally caught me off guard.

  "Have you been waiting long?"

  He laughed and then stepped in a little closer.

  "That came out wrong. I swear I'm not a creeper or anything. I just work for your dad and have heard a lot about you."

  "Really? Well, I hate to say this, but you have the advantage. I know nothing about you."

  "I think maybe we could change that." He paused, looking me square in the eye. "That is if you would let me....."

  The cab I had been waiting for pulled up right at that moment. Normal Kate would have sent it away for the chance to meet someone new. This time I surprised myself.

  "Sorry, this is for me." I walked over to the door and opened it but before I got in, I looked back at him and said, "Maybe I’ll see you around sometime. It was nice to meet you Scott." I got in the cab and let it drive me away.

  CHAPTER 7

  That night was the first of many that I was able to sleep soundly, prior to breaking it off with Jarrett. Everything seemed to have fallen back in place as it should have. Don't get me wrong, I was never going to give up hope that someday I was going to find a guy that wasn't a total loser or one of my best friends.

  I managed to land an account for work that I had been busting my ass over for the last year and a half, which caused a need for celebration. I rounded up the gang and we were all meeting up at a bar that Reed suggested. Who's Reed? He would be the bartender Chris had been seeing since that wonderful night I just told you about earlier. Oh, and don't let me forget, Ryan and Avery broke up. I know what you're thinking but no, I'm not jumping back into that mess.

  So anyway, I made sure to look hot! I found the cutest skinny jeans with black studs that ran the length of the outside leg of the jean, they were so cute! I paired them with a black satin halter top and very strappy, gold four inch heels. I left my hair down and loaded up my eyes with a smoky grey color and pumped my lashes to where they damn near looked fake. I was so happy that I got this account, I was determined to make that night memorable.

  My cars were both fixed within two days, but every time I got in one of them, it reminded me of that asshole, who never did show back up. I decided to take the SUV just for fun and headed straight for the club. Kara wasn't going to be done working until later, but Chad was there to meet me when I walked in.

  "Hey there, beautiful! You look amazing, Kate. Not that you ever look less than but damn girl, you're on fire tonight."

  I gave him a huge hug for that one. Kara made sure Chad understood how much women love compliments and I loved being on the receiving end.

  "Thank you doll, have you been here long?"

  "Not really, Chris beat me here and said it wasn't that busy, so I waited awhile before I left. Maybe ten, fifteen minutes at the most. Can I get you a drink?"

  "That would be great. Vodka and cranberry sounds great for now. Where is Chris, if he's already here?"

  "Check the dance floor. He is trashed already, just so you're warned."

  He got up and went to the bar while I scanned the dance floor. Sure enough, there he was, surrounded by girls on all sides. He was a stud and no one could resist him. I can't tell you how many women attempt to convert him as they say, or promise that they will be responsible for him switching sides. Too bad they don't stand a chance. He is way too comfortable just being who he is. Nothing will ever get Chris to do something he doesn't want to do. I thought about joining him just because it looked like fun, but I knew I needed to have a few drinks first.

  Chad came back with my drink and Ryan.

  "When did you show up?" I stood up, gave him a hug and then offered the seat next to me as I sat back down and thanked Chad for the drink.

  "I just walked in. Damn honey, you are looking good enough to eat."

  I turned redder than red. That wouldn't have meant anything before, but now it always made me remember that night when he would say things like that.

  "Uh, thank you" was all I could get out.

  Ryan and Chad both caught on to my embarrassment and laughed.

  "Girl, settle down. It was just a compliment." Then he leaned into my ear and said, "But I'm glad I could leave a lasting memory for you."

  He pulled back, stood up and started laughing again as he walked over to the bar to get a drink. I watched him the whole time apparently, because Chad cleared his throat and said, "He must be good, to leave a look like that on your face. Calm it down woman or you’re destined to get a repeat performance. We men can only hold ourselves back so much and you're putting off some serious sexiness tonight."

  "Shut up! I am not doing any of that. He just knows how to get to me."

  "I know, always has. You were the one blind to it, but now you see. Just be careful. You both are some of my best friends. We made it through round one unscathed, but I'm not sure any of us can handle round two."

  "Chad, I'm fine. I'm a big girl and can handle Ryan. He flirts with everyone, I'm used to it."

  "Uh huh."

  "What's going on over here?"

  Chris finally decided to take a break from the dancing and pulled up a chair.

  "Hello, sweetheart. Get enough attention out there?"

  "Never,"
he said as he rocked back in his chair, cockier than ever. The smile he had on his face was addicting and immediately I was wearing one that matched. But no sooner than it appeared, it was replaced by shock and then we were all laughing our asses off, because Chris had fallen completely backwards in his chair and landed flat on his ass. None of us could even help him up, we were laughing too hard.

  "What are you guys doing? And what is so funny?"

  Kara had walked in and she apparently hadn't seen Chris yet. None of us could stop laughing long enough to explain what happened. All of the sudden Chris was bouncing up from the floor and wiping off his pants.

  "Did he just fall backwards? Hahahahahahah!" She caught on and then we were all laughing again. Well, all of us except for Chris who was too drunk to really get mad.

  "It's not that funny guys."

  "Yes it is!"

  All of us still laughing made Chris walk away, which only made us laugh harder. Poor guy, he's so used to being perfect all of the time, none of us could stop enjoying the moment.

  Chad was the first to control his laughter and grabbed Kara, pulling her down into his lap. "Hey baby, how was work?"

  "That man is impossible. How much more bondage shit can you put in one house?"

  "I don't think you can ever have enough options, but that's just my opinion."

  Leave it to Ryan.

  "Are you into that stuff now?"

  "Those are secrets that I will never tell and only a select few are privy to know about."

  "Really? No kidding? Kate since you've been one of the select few, tell, tell."

  I was happy to sit back and let this conversation play out. Never did I want to be the one to answer something like this, ever.

  "Can't tell you and won't. Select few and all."

  "That's bullshit! Come on, please?"

  Ryan's hand landed on my leg and squeezed it. I looked over to him as he just nodded his head, letting me know he appreciated the lack of sharing.