Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  "Did you just apologize?"

  "Don't expect it to happen again but yes, I'm sorry."

  "I didn't come out tonight to feel sorry for myself, so from here on out, no more talk of him, okay. I need a shot, who's with me?"

  I flagged down the bartender and ordered three shots of tequila and three beers.

  "Is that okay with you guys?"

  "Fine with us."

  I knew it took a lot for Kara to admit she was wrong, so I threw her a smile, letting her know I was okay.

  "Where are Chris and Reed anyway?"

  "Chris is waiting on Reed to get off work and then they are heading up."

  "Too bad for them, playing catch up is a bitch." Chad knew just what to say to keep the smiles coming.

  "Let’s make sure we get in one hell of a start."

  Kara screamed,"Woohoo" making everyone turn and stare which caused the three of us to bust out laughing.

  Shots and drinks were flying. Chad even came out on the dance floor with Kara and me, grinding to Katy Perry's “Dark Horse”. We were having a blast until hands grabbed onto my hips from behind. I froze. The last time I was out and felt this, Tony was behind me.

  "Hey girl, it's just me."

  The sound of Chris's deep voice soothed me immediately. He pulled me to him, letting me fall back into the rhythm of the music. Chris was sex on a stick. The way he could move his body had me understanding why women either wanted to convert him or just didn't care that he was gay, if it meant they could still get one night of this. Song after song it was him and me and for the first time all night, I forgot how much pain I still carried.

  "Can I have my boyfriend back or at least let me cut in and take Kate? It's getting lonely over here."

  I had forgotten all about poor Reed.

  "I'm sorry Reed. I need to go to the bathroom anyway. He's all yours."

  I started for the bathroom when Kara body checked me.

  "Are you having fun?"

  "I actually am."

  "Good, that's what we are here for."

  "You're the best friend in the whole world."

  "Oh no, you're getting sappy drunk on me. Please, please don't end this night crying. We are out to forget not relive."

  "I'm not! I just love you so much."

  "Fuck, it's too late."

  We both started laughing our asses off.

  After we went to the bathroom, we headed to the bar. More shots and beer were ordered. The guys were walking over to join us when I heard Ryan's name. All sound went on mute and I was locked into hearing what Chris was saying.

  "He isn't coming back, dude. We need to just buy him out like he wants so he can move on."

  "Hell no! We started this as three and we will end it that way. He will get over all of this and be back. I just know it. Hell, let me tell him Kate's single again and I bet he's on the next flight here."

  "No!"

  All heads turned to me. I didn't realize I said anything out loud, but it was obvious that was the case.

  "I don't want you using my situation to get him back here. I have called him at least five times a week since he left. He has never once picked up or called me back. He needs to move on and be happy. Leave him alone. If he wants out, let him out."

  "You can't mean that. He would be gone for good."

  "All I have ever wanted is for Ryan to be happy. I made him miserable. What good would it do to hurt him all over again? I fucked up, okay? I broke his heart, all for a man who broke mine. I don't need to feel or cause any more pain. If he is trying to move on with his life, then let him. I know I couldn't stand the thought of not only knowing that Tony is with someone else, but having to see it with my own eyes? There is no way. I never had a clue what I put him through until now and I swear if you use me for your own selfish purpose, I will never forgive you."

  That shut them up. Not one of them even looked like they had something to say. Awkward silence at its best.

  "Now that I got that out of the way, do any of you need a drink?"

  All four started talking in unison. God I love my dysfunctional friends.

  We ended the night drunk off our asses. Chad called a cab and I spent the ride home in Kara's lap just as she has predicted, bawling my head off.

  "You will get through this Kate, I promise you. I don't know what I would do if I lost Chad, so I can't say I understand. But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and someday a deserving man will appreciate that."

  "I just miss him so much. I wake up hoping this is all a bad dream every day. When will it stop? I just want it to stop."

  "I don't know honey. I wish I did."

  That was the last thing I heard before Chad was waking me up. Apparently Kara and I both passed out and he was trying to help me out of the cab. I heard him tell the driver to wait while he got me inside. I could barely walk on my own so I was grateful for the offer.

  "Come on girl, let's get you to bed."

  "Chad I'm sorry, but I would never do that to Kara."

  He stopped walking us and looked me in the eye.

  "Kate I wasn't trying..."

  "Haha!" I was laughing so hard that I snorted. "Did you really think that I thought you were...."

  "Just shut up and get in bed."

  "Haha!"

  He laid me down and then said, "Pass out, Kate. You are going to feel your punishment for torturing me in the morning."

  He kissed my forehead and turned off the light as he closed the door. I was asleep two seconds later.

  CHAPTER 22

  The babies were due anytime and my brother was graduating from the Fire Academy. So much good was happening and with reason to celebrate, I shouldn't have had to think about him once, but that never happened. Sadie had been planning a huge surprise party for Ash the day of graduation. Nervous isn't even a descriptive enough word for how I was feeling about that one. Vomiting without warning is more like it. Anytime the thought entered my head, I got nauseous.

  The day came with me throwing up as soon as I woke. I knew I needed to knock it off. He didn't want me, which was clear. It didn't mean I couldn't make him regret his choice. I jumped in the shower, scrubbing myself until I shined, then went for the sexiest underwear I owned. No one may know it's there but it would give me another reason to feel sexy and confident. I chose royal blue, lace panties with a matching push up bra, garter belt and thigh highs hooked in place. My dress was a simple, navy colored wrap dress but it hugged my curves perfectly. I left my hair down, curling it in layers for a soft beach wave look. When it came to my makeup I paused. I wanted a deep smoky eye, but the last thing I was looking for was an “I tried too hard” look, so it was a no brainer to go with natural tones. Once I looked myself in the mirror and knew there was no more stalling I could do, I headed out the door.

  Ash's graduation ceremony was packed. Seating was first come first serve so we had to get there early. Sadie would have been pissed off if we weren't in the front row and I wasn't about to anger a full term pregnant lady. I met up with my parents and we waited outside for her and her family.

  "There she is."

  I pointed out the only short, overly pregnant girl, wobbling toward us. She was smiling from ear to ear, making it impossible to not love her.

  "Oh my, you poor dear. Let's go find you a seat. You look miserable."

  Leave it to my mother. I could tell Sadie wanted to say something, yet she only came back with, "That would be great."

  We all walked inside to take our seats, while my dad went back out to look for Sadie's parents.

  I couldn't let my mom bring her down so I said, "I think you look adorable Sadie, that dress is so chic. I would wear it if it came in non-maternity. And don't listen to my mother, you look beautiful."

  She smiled and then thanked me, but that's when the questions began. I made one comment about wearing something like her dress when I have a baby and it was all over.

  "You have got to find a man first. Got one in mind?"
r />   I couldn't tell her about Tony. I also knew whatever I said could get back to him. I didn’t want him knowing I couldn't move on.

  "Maybe," came out of nowhere.

  "Who?"

  Shit!

  "Nobody you know."

  "Really, because you and Tony were looking mighty chummy at the reception."

  I wanted to get up and run away. I didn't know how to respond, he was her best friend.

  "He's a great guy, but not really my type."

  After that, I went numb. Sadie's parents came in and sat down right before the ceremony started. A lot of speeches were given prior to announcing the candidates but I didn’t really hear anything besides my own thoughts. That was until Ash walked out onto the stage. Nothing made me prouder than hearing my little brother's name. This has been his dream since he was a little boy and he was living it out. Special awards were being handed out, when he received 'Best Overall' causing our row to go crazy. We screamed at the top of our lungs for him. Nothing compared to when the final award was given for the 'Class Leader' and we heard Asher Williams. We jumped from our chairs, screaming all over again. He looked so happy and proud. Well, he did until he was jumping down from the stage. I looked over to Sadie, wondering if she knew what he was doing, but she was no longer standing next to me. I found her on the ground with Ash hovering over her. People started flying at us from all directions. Some were coming from off of the stage, others from out from the chairs of attendees, all with some form of training, trying to help. It was when Ash was screaming at some guy and his hand went in the air covered in blood that the place turned into pure chaos.

  Sadie was screaming for someone to help the babies. Ash was screaming for someone to help his wife. Sadie's mom was saying over and over again that it was going to be okay. How could she know? There was so much blood coming out of her. I couldn't move. Nothing for me is worse than seeing fear come from my father and brother, two of the strongest men I know. I was so scared. The sound that came from Sadie was like nothing I have ever heard before. Tears were falling from not only my eyes, but everyone around us as well. It didn't look good. Ash was bawling, still screaming for help, when the stretcher came in to take her to the hospital. Ash of course went with her in the ambulance, while the rest of us followed it in our cars to the hospital behind them.

  When we got there, it was too early for the staff to know anything. We were all terrified, not only for the babies but now Sadie too. My brother wouldn't want to live if he didn't have her. Nothing could happen to them. The waiting was the hardest part. I was pacing the room when my phone rang. I didn't even look at it. Whoever it was wasn't important, but they apparently felt that they were when they called back immediately.

  "HELLO!"

  I hadn't even looked, but whoever it was was going to get the wrath of me.

  "Kate?"

  Oh my God! Not now. I couldn't deal with him now. I hit end, hanging up on him. The phone rang again.

  "What?"

  "Don't hang up! I need to know where Sadie and Ash are."

  "We are at the hospital, asshole. Sadie is bleeding out and in surgery. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know anything!"

  "Holy shit! I'm on my way, baby. Everything is going to be okay, don't you worry."

  I wanted to scream at him, “I'm not your fucking baby” but I just hung up instead. He wasn't worth the fight right now. I needed to stay strong for my family.

  A nurse eventually came out explaining to us that Sadie's placenta detached, called placenta abruption. She was in surgery and only time would tell if she was going to be okay.

  The waiting went on and on. Tony came rushing in with Heather right behind him. I didn't even look at him, I couldn't. Jason, Mike, Kaleb and Lindsey arrived not long after, making the waiting room unbearable. I could feel him stare at me, but I never gave in. I wanted so badly to cry in his arms and beg him to make it all better, but there was no way I was giving him any part of me again.

  Eventually the nurse came back out, explained how they got the bleeding under control and that they were delivering the twins now. Everyone was up and out if their chairs hugging and cheering. When Tony's arms wrapped around me, I froze. He pulled me in even tighter, whispering in my ear, "God I miss you still, I can’t stop," and then he pulled back and moved on to Heather, never breaking eye contact with me. What the hell was that?

  I hugged Kaleb and then Jason and Heather. I was on cloud nine that everyone was going to be okay when I realized I wasn't. Seeing him for the first time in weeks killed me. He was just as handsome as I remembered and it ripped my heart out. The smile he was wearing from ear to ear made it hurt that much more. He was supposed to be my everything and yet he was nothing to me anymore. The tears that filled my eyes were wiped away before they could fall.

  "So this is who broke you?"

  I turned to my mother, unable to hide my pain any longer. She opened her arms and I dove into them, crying like I always wanted to but couldn't.

  "Shhhh, it’s all right. You're stronger than you know, Katherine."

  She rubbed my back as I openly sobbed.

  "Now it all makes sense. My poor little girl."

  I pulled back from her and wiped my face once more. Putting myself back together, I said, "Today isn't about me. It's a day to celebrate."

  "It's not selfish to hurt in another person’s glory, Kate. Pain is pain."

  "Like I said, today is a day to celebrate."

  "You're more like your father than you know. I'm proud of you honey."

  "Here they come!" Sadie's mother screamed, causing all of attention to be diverted to the double doors opening. Sadie was still lying on a stretcher/ hospital bed, with Asher on one side and the doctor on the other, but what was in her arms stole the show. We all had our cameras with us because of the graduation. Those of us that didn't, had their phones. Flashes were going off like a strobe light, with "Aw's" coming from everyone in the room. We all had walked up to get a closer look. How I ended up next to Tony was not my doing.

  Without warning Sadie turned to my brother and said, "Your surprise Ash! It was a party. I forgot all about it."

  Leave it to Sadie to think about the party after everything she just went through. We all laughed at her while Ash leaned down and said, "You surprised me for sure today, party or not."

  The nurse pushed her into a private room while we followed her. As I was walking, Tony placed his hand on my lower back guiding me through the door. I loved and hated his touch, having no idea which one being more prominent.

  I walked to the far wall trying to get as far away as I could from him.

  The babies were taken out of Sadie's arms and placed in a bassinet for all of us to get a better look. They were perfect. Jet black hair covered both of their heads and the chubbiest cheeks were on them to match as well. I made sure to take a million pictures, probably way more than needed, but come on these were the first babies in the family. When Ash and Sadie announced that they named my nephew Kaden and I was his Godmother, I was overjoyed. Tony was his Godfather, making things perfect for what would have been and now more complicated than ever. Kendal was the name they chose for my niece and Heather along with Kaleb were her Godparents. The names suited the babies perfectly. Kaden Michael and Kendal Grace; I was in love all over again.

  When it was time to hold them, I made sure my mom got a lot of pictures of me with each one. I may never have my own, so these two were going to be my everything.

  "Share our babies with me, please."

  Everyone was so focused on the two new additions that we completely forgot about poor Sadie. Ash walked over to her, handing her one at a time. All was right as Sadie held on to very things she had to fight so hard to bring into this world. We all stared at the miracle that almost didn't get to happen.

  Heather said something about the party causing Sadie to ask how they all found out her and Ash weren't coming. Tony answered.

  "We didn't. Everyone was at the house waiting, f
or forever. When you didn't show up, I called your cell phone and got nothing. Then Ash's, and the same thing happened. Your party went on without you guys, I'm afraid to say. People got hungry and thirsty. Eventually, I figured you probably went into labor and thought to call Kate. Sure enough," he looked over to me, "she answered. What I didn't expect was her to tell me you were in surgery for excessive bleeding and not that you were in labor."

  "That's when he grabbed me and said we needed to get everybody out of there and get to the hospital. My loving husband here, stayed behind to get all of those people out of your house."

  "Hey, I helped too."

  Mike wanted his due credit apparently.

  We all stayed around for a little while longer, but I could tell Sadie was on her last leg and needed to rest.

  I kissed the babies and then hugged my brother and Sadie, congratulating them on the amazing job they both did. My hope walking out was that I would be alone. I needed the time by myself to process the day’s events. This morning, all I cared about was seeing Tony and what I would say when I did. Never in a million years did I think I would have almost lost my sister-in-law or that I would get to meet my niece and nephew for the first time. Not that it ever could have been planned but it was the best distraction ever.

  Walking out of the hospital and to my car I heard, "Kate, wait up."

  No! He couldn't do this to me now. I kept walking when I heard it again.

  "Kate, please!"

  I kept walking. I didn't want to break in front of him and I knew my tears were on the brink of falling. I reached my car and had the handle in my hand when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I refused to turn around.

  "Firecracker, let me explain."

  That name did it. I spun around, watching my hand fly directly at his face until it made contact. It burned when as I pulled it back, then I noticed the red mark across his cheek where I had slapped him.

  "Don't you ever call me that again!"

  His hand went to his face, rubbing it as if that would make it go away. I hated that I hit him. I hated that we had gotten to where we were but what I hated most was that I still loved him.

  "I need you."