“Don’t do it. Lena doesn’t understand. In her world, family means rainbows and sunshine and unicorn shit. It’s a fairy tale you and I know doesn’t exist. Name one member of your family who was there for you. None. Zero. Why are you going to suck up to her? You think she’s going to be sorry? Going to love you now? You’re going to bake cookies and exchange Christmas presents?”
“Of course not.”
Her temper stirred to life. Josh’s words dovetailed perfectly with what she’d believed about her mother all these years. It was how they both felt about the families who had abandoned them. She didn’t even know who her father was. Or if she had any family other than her mother, Grant and his sisters.
“I am not expecting a happily-ever-after here. I’m expecting to look mommy dearest in the eye and watch her squirm in her own guilt. I want her to have to say her pathetic rationalizations out loud. Then maybe I can stop feeling as though it’s my fault. Maybe I can leave her behind. Leave it behind. Maybe I can stop being afraid.”
Her throat closed up tight with unshed tears and anger. Of all people, Josh should be the one who understood this. This need to ask why. Why did you leave me? Why wasn’t I good enough? Jack whined quietly and put his head in her lap.
“You know it isn’t going to happen, right? Whatever story she’s been telling herself all this time is so real, so strong in her mind that nothing is going to shake it out. She didn’t care about you then and she’s not going to care about you now. I get that you want her to feel bad. You want to rub her face in it and make her hurt the way you hurt. But she isn’t going to feel it. If she was capable of feeling guilty about what she did to you, she wouldn’t have been able to live with it. But she’s done quite fine, hasn’t she? Raised three kids without a hint of regret.”
Her hands curled into fists on the desk and the palms burned as her nails cut into them. She pressed her lips together against the tide of words wanting to rush from her tongue. Because he was right. But so was she. And now she was so confused she didn’t know what to think.
“Sadie...”
“Shut up! Shut up! Josh, I know these things. I know she doesn’t care. I know this isn’t going to make anything with her better. I know I’m not going to get a groveling apology I can kick down her throat and make her choke on. I know it. This isn’t about any of that.”
“Then what is it about?”
“It’s about me looking her in the eye. Making her see me. So I’m not afraid anymore. So I don’t wonder anymore. So I don’t feel invisible anymore. So I can move past this, finally.”
“You know that already.”
“No, I don’t!”
A tearing burn scorched its way down her throat and she realized she was yelling at him. She sank back in the chair and put a hand over her mouth. Her eyes met his. The anger was gone from his gaze and in its place was a distance more frightening to her than the anger. He had these same fears and doubts and carried the same anger. She knew this. They’d spent too many nights talking until dawn about the devastation of their childhoods for her not to know this. She was ready to take a step beyond survival and into healing. And he was not. Because she’d found her family. And he had not.
“Josh...”
There was a single rap on the door before it swung open and Molly leaned in. “The guys are here for the staff meeting. Everyone can hear you.”
The door didn’t slam shut, but Molly closed it with clear irritation. Sadie covered her face. Josh’s chair scraped against the floor as he stood.
“Don’t be mad, Josh. I couldn’t bear it. I love you. You’re my brother. More of a brother than Grant. I understand why you think this is wrong, but I need to do this. Please.”
He pushed the chair back in place and stood for a moment, his head bowed. When he lifted his eyes, her stomach lurched at the sad, haunted look in them. No, please no. If this was going to cost her Josh, she’d cancel the whole thing.
“It’s a mistake.”
With those words, he walked out. Through the door he left open, Sadie could hear the guys talking. Waiting for her to start the Monday morning staff meeting. A meeting she couldn’t shove off on Josh. One, because now he was pissed at her and wouldn’t do it. And two, she had to address the Wyatt issue and her appalling lack of professionalism in dealing with it. She crossed her arms on the desk and put her head down. How had her entire life gone completely down the toilet so quickly?
The conference room went silent when she walked in. Josh sat in his usual place, to the right of her chair at the head of the table, but he kept his eyes glued to the pen he spun around and around in circles. Sadie put her coffee cup down and lifted her gaze to the gathered group. All of them young guys. College age. All looking at her. Waiting for her to give them a direction in which to take their reaction to the revelation about Wyatt. Her gut churned with shame. She certainly hadn’t set a good example.
“Good morning.”
It was a start. She cleared her throat. What would she expect from one of them if they’d screwed up big-time? Honesty. She’d want them to own up to the mistake. She owed them that. She glanced around the table.
“Morning, guys.” She made eye contact with each of them. She left Josh out on purpose. She glanced over at the door to the waiting room where Molly stood. “I owe all of you an apology for my behavior the other day. I lost my temper and behaved improperly. I’m sorry.”
“But...” Noah began.
She held up a hand. “Doesn’t matter. My reaction was unprofessional and not an example I should be setting for you.” She glanced around the table. “I’m sure you have heard. Wyatt Anderson was a private investigator hired by Marcus Canard to spy on us. Canard thought we were doing something illegal. Wyatt says he told Marcus there was nothing illegal going on. The end. What we do from here is continue to beat the pants off Marcus Canard.”
A jumble of voices rose up. Angry. Outraged. Betrayed. Emotions she was well acquainted with. She lifted her hands. When everyone went silent, she lowered them.
“The best thing we can do is continue to earn his business away from him. He is hemorrhaging clients. We’re not picking up all of them, but we are getting some. Now, I lost my cool, this is true. But I’m asking you not to discuss this in public. In public, we don’t bother with the competition. We focus on doing the best we can. If you want to talk privately, come to me anytime.”
She went on to the regular business. She read through her notes without the usual joking and banter. She wanted this over with. She wanted everything to go back to normal but knew normal was gone forever. Things were changing. As the guys got up to leave, she caught Josh by the hand.
“Have time for a word before you leave?”
He hesitated. She’d framed it as a question so he could refuse her if he wanted. Her heart seemed to freeze in her chest as she waited. She needed Josh. Not only for the business, but for her.
“Sure, boss.”
Relief warmed her when his fingers tightened against her palm for a brief moment They walked back to her office. She shut the door and turned to him.
“I know you don’t understand why I need to do this. I’m not sure I understand it myself. I feel in my gut it’s the right thing to do. If it’s a mistake, you can be the first to say I told you so. But if this is going to cause real trouble between us, tell me and I won’t do it.”
He seemed to sag beneath her words. His shoulders drooped and his head dipped. He shook it slowly. With a deep breath, he straightened and put his hands on her shoulders. His eyes met hers. “Nothing will ever cause real trouble between us, Saff. I just don’t want you hurt worse than you are now.”
“I’m not hurt.”
She turned to move away but his hands held her in place. “You are. This thing with Wyatt. Was something else going on there?”
“No.”
<
br /> She twisted out of his grasp and moved to her desk. “How’s the Columbia project going?”
He looked at her carefully. “It’s going fine. I’m going up there next week. I’ve got three client interviews to do. But I told you this last week.”
“I remember. Sorry.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m... It’s been a stressful week, okay?”
“No shit. You falling apart?”
A sad little laugh escaped her lips. “Maybe a little.”
He came around to kiss the top of her head. “I’ve got glue. Whenever you need.”
She leaned back in her chair after Josh left and considered the jelly-bean jar. She closed her hands around the little blob of her belly. Maybe she should find a healthier stress-management technique. Sit-ups or running. Boxing. That sounded good. A long sigh drew Jack to her side. She let her fingers run through his shaggy fur. Trouble was, she wasn’t angry anymore. Anger took too much energy to maintain. Now she was merely sad. Abuelito was gone. And the first man she’d had feelings for in way too many years had turned out to be a rat fink.
She rubbed the pain squeezing at her heart. Sad. Because really he was a nice guy who was doing a job. Maybe the attraction had snuck up on him also. He did come clean at the end. She sat forward and shook her head. The time to tell her had been before he slept with her. The fresh pile of paperwork on her desk made her sigh.
“What do you say, Jack? If we finish this, we can take the afternoon off? Go for a walk on the beach? Is it a deal?”
He seemed to think so and returned to his doggy bed for a nap. She wished she could do the same. Not even nine in the morning and she was exhausted. A single tap on the door announced Molly’s entrance. She closed the door behind her.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m fine.”
Molly slipped into the chair, sitting on the very edge. Her warm green eyes examined Sadie’s face. Her hands were clasped together on her lap. Her lips pressed together, then pursed, pressed and pursed as if she were struggling with the words she so wanted to speak.
“Spit it out, Molly.”
“Josh and I are worried about you.”
“You and Josh need to stop talking about me behind my back. I am fine. I was angry. I’m over it now. The end.”
“But...”
Sadie slapped her palm on the desktop. Not loudly, but enough to fully express her irritation. “Enough. Stop it. This is not a couch, and you are not Dr. Phil.”
She regretted her words once Molly was gone. But damn. How was she supposed to get anything done when these two kept at her? She didn’t discuss her feelings. She shoved them down deep and ignored them until they went away.
Except now she knew that they never really go away. Now she knew it was time to clean house. She picked up the phone. Voice mail. Even better.
“Hey Grant, it’s Sadie. Call me later when you get a chance. I want to meet with you and our mother.”
She ended the call and put the phone down with a trembling hand.
* * *
HER CAR WAS THERE. Wyatt could see it clearly from his vantage point in the parking lot next door. He sat in his truck, mulling over his options. He had the Crew shirts he’d been given on the seat beside him. Tucked between their folds was an envelope with a check reimbursing Sadie for the salary paid to him. He’d charged Marcus for it and had been a little shocked when the money came through without complaint. He suspected Marcus had tried to pull something with Henry Moody and had been shut down. Whatever. He was glad to be rid of the man.
He rubbed a hand across his jaw. He wasn’t so glad to be rid of Sadie. No matter how he looked at it, it was a mess. Every reasonable thought he had told him to walk away. Don’t Boy Scout this. You apologized already. You don’t owe her anything else. Walk away.
He knew this but couldn’t quite let it go. Sure, he’d said he was sorry after she’d found out. But he hadn’t been able to sit her down, alone, and apologize for not telling her before they’d had sex. Josh had been there. Molly. He couldn’t let it go. He’d not done the right thing by her. Dude. She nearly threw a bottle at your head. How rational a discussion do you think you’re going to have? Walk away. Mail this to her. He scooped up the shirts and popped open the truck door.
You are so going to regret this.
He had too many regrets already to worry about another one tossed on the pile. He braced himself as he opened the door. Molly showed about a millisecond of confusion before her head started shaking vigorously back and forth. No. Duh. He held up the shirts but she was heading around the desk with an expression that was frighteningly similar to the one Sadie had the day she found out. He stopped in the doorway.
“Give them to me and go,” Molly said.
He handed them to her and plucked the envelope out. “I’d like to give this to Sadie. And talk to her.”
She pulled the envelope from his grasp. “Not a good idea. In fact, the worst idea I’ve ever heard. You’ve added enough to the grief she’s carrying.”
Molly’s words caused a spasm of guilt and shame to stab through him. Added to her grief. The man she considered a grandfather had passed away. And he’d slept with her, toyed with her emotions.
“I never lied about my feelings for her,” he said. It was true. It didn’t help. It sounded like a self-serving lie.
“Go away.”
So he left. Hopefully, he’d get better news at Henry Moody’s office.
Henry’s secretary was happy to see him. It was a small comfort after the reception at the Crew. Not that he deserved any better from Molly. He should be glad Josh hadn’t been there instead. He didn’t want to have to explain any bruises to Jules.
Jules. She was the reason he was cooling his heels here in Henry’s inner sanctum. He’d come to discuss the job proposal Henry was offering. Insurance Fraud Investigator. The exact same job he’d been doing except he’d be on a payroll instead of self-employed. Running his own business had been fine with him for years. But things were different now. And honestly? The paperwork involved in running your own business would kill you.
It was one of the many things he admired about Sadie. How she’d built the Cleaning Crew from nothing and made it such a success. Not only a success, but created a feeling of family among her employees. That was rare.
Hell. He shifted on the uncomfortable couch. Picked up a Field & Stream magazine and thumbed blindly through the pages. No. She’s too unstable a person to be around Jules. He tossed the magazine back on the table. Can’t have it both ways, dude. He rubbed at his sternum.
“Wyatt? Mr. Moody is ready to see you now.”
As he crossed the reception area, she smiled at him. “How’s that sweet little niece of yours?”
He stopped. “She’s wonderful. Doing better every day.”
And he needed to focus on her. Taking a regular job wasn’t a sacrifice to him, it was the right thing to do.
Henry greeted him with a smile and a handshake. “I’m going to have to make good on my joke about the sign-on bonus.”
“Why’s that?”
“Marcus called me. Tried to smear you like you said he would. Said I shouldn’t trust you. The conversation was...unpleasant. But in the end, Marcus decided to darken some other insurance company’s door, and I’ve got you all to myself. A complete win-win situation.”
* * *
TWO HOURS LATER, he sat in his truck, a full-time employee of Moody Insurance Company. Lead fraud investigator. He skimmed through the papers again, trying to force his brain to accept the numbers there. He’d known he provided a valuable service, but the almost six-figure number of his salary seemed insanely high. Henry had been right. He should have been charging more. He leaned his head back and let the elated sense of relief fill him. The work wa
s the same. The hours were his to make as long as he provided results. He had an office. A secretary to help with paperwork.
Most importantly, he had financial security for Jules. Now he needed to make sure he kept her emotionally secure. And if it meant no relationships for a while, so be it. He and Jules were a package deal. He’d not risk her heart. Not unless he was sure. And he wasn’t sure about Sadie Martin. Not that it mattered now anyway.
CHAPTER TWENTY
A BRIGHT SUNNY Thursday afternoon seemed wrong for the occasion. It should be gloomy and overcast. Perhaps with rumbles of thunder in the distance.
The only other time Sadie had been to Azalea Park in Summerville had been for the Flowertown Festival when the park was bursting with flowers and people in an orgy of relentlessly cheerful springtime celebration. It didn’t seem right without the dozen shades of pink flowers assaulting the senses at every turn.
“You don’t have to do this if you’ve changed your mind,” Lena said quietly.
Sadie unhooked the seat belt and shook her head. “If I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it.”
“Nothing wrong with never,” Josh said from the backseat.
The look Lena gave him in the rearview mirror was so murderous that even in her advanced state of anxiety, Sadie didn’t miss it.
“We are here to support Sadie’s decisions.”
“I am supporting her decisions.”
“No. You aren’t.”
“Yes—”
“Shut up, both of you.”
Sadie pressed her palms together, carefully lining up her fingers, and touched the index fingers to her lips. If only she could stop trembling. It would be so much easier. She scanned the bit of the park she could see from the parking spot. Grant and her mother were waiting for her by the gazebo. Her heart galloped wildly in her chest as if it were seeking an escape. She dropped her hands to her lap.
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