by M. K. Lee
She'd moved out that very afternoon and in the aftermath the apartment had echoed hollow. In the time that had followed, in between staring off unseeingly into the distance and wondering what the hell he was doing with his life now that he was living it for himself instead of someone else, Matthew had noticed in the months following her departure his outgoings decrease, and his belief in himself increase. But the pain of being abandoned remained overwhelming, leaving him too scared to really try again.
Of course, it wasn't long afterwards that he'd offered up his sexuality confession to Sarah. After Rebecca had left they'd slept together just once, the final of their six occasions that were nothing more than just because. And that particular occasion so bad because of how drunk they were, that for weeks after they'd not been able to make eye contact when referring to it without bursting out in mortified laughter.
It was during one particularly amusing recounting of the experience that Matthew had jokingly told Sarah she'd managed to turn him gay, which was why when Joel had said the same thing during that first meeting between the three of them in the pub it had seemed so hilarious. And since then, since he'd allowed himself to admit it, his eyes have only ever fallen on hard chests, stubbled jaws, and muscular thighs. An accurate summing up of some of Joel's best attributes, Matthew groans to himself then, dragging himself back to the present.
Of course, there is a lot more to Joel than the way he looks, Matthew acknowledges with nothing like the amount of reluctance he feels he should be having. He's considerate, thoughtful, and really intelligent without showing off about it. Passionate about his job and the people he cares about, and goes full-on nerd when he talks about how important it is teaching science in schools, which always leaves Matthew sat there smiling helplessly at him. And of course in the bedroom he's pure sin, Matthew groans to himself then at his mind wandering and his body's immediate reaction to thoughts of them together.
But, Matthew tells himself firmly, standing with a sense of purpose that dissolves away to nothing because he's not sure what to do with himself: no more. He's going to go to Joel's tonight, and he's going to change his attitude. He's going to fuck, and get fucked, and love every second of it. Then he's going to walk away, not care about him, and only come back for more to scratch that itch—if Joel's still willing, that is. Because Joel's good at that, so very good, and he'd be stupid to walk away from that. This is nothing but physical after all. There's no feelings involved, no commitment, no emotion. Matthew's still trying to tell himself that when he crawls back to bed for the second time that day still fully clothed and curling into himself. Closing his eyes and willing himself to sleep.
He wakes with a weight on his chest that's foreboding. It's hell swinging his feet back over the side of the bed and forcing himself to stand, but stand Matthew does, pushing himself through a shower just to try and wash this heaviness from him. He looks himself over in the mirror finding fault after fault: hair too dull, eyes too brown, features too plain to be interesting. He then packs the smallest of overnight bags. He's going there for sex, he reminds himself, not to play dress up. What more does he need than a toothbrush and a change of boxers when they'll probably fall asleep naked straight after fucking, and won't be leaving the apartment again until he's ready to come home tomorrow night?
Matthew talks himself into throwing in another shirt just in case but then tells himself that's more than enough. He's going to go there, he starts to tell himself again as he's leaving, come over and over until he's boneless, do it all as if it means nothing, like this thing really should mean.
On the way to Joel's, Matthew tries to force himself to look at other people, let his eyes linger in interest as they have done in the past. Women don't catch his attention for a second and haven't done so for the longest time, he acknowledges, turning his focus firmly on to the men he sees instead. But even them, even though they're definitely what he's wanting, not one of them is Joel. Just how hard can it be to have casual sex and not have it scar you like this, he asks himself blearily the closer he gets to Joel's apartment.
But as he's outside Joel's door and steeling himself to knock, Matthew crumbles. He sags at the thought of Joel not caring about him as he has come to care for him. He pastes on a smile, rounds his shoulders, tries to stand a little taller. Pleads with his heart not to do stupid things like break when he sees him.
Joel swings open the door on his fourth knock, looking so happy to see him. He pulls Matthew straight into an embrace, presses his nose into his neck and inhales like he's been waiting to do that for an age. Matthew's helpless against the way his arms automatically raise to wrap around him. And when Joel straightens up to kiss him he knows he's a lost cause.
"I've missed you," Matthew hears, his eyes snapping open from where they've fallen closed with his head cradled against Joel's neck. Joel nuzzles against him and kisses his cheek in clear affection, pulling back enough to look him in the eye and slip his fingers between both of his hands. "This week... it's been hellish not being able to see you," Joel says, leaning in to kiss him and humming the second their lips touch. "I've been looking forward to seeing you since the moment I left your place. Even more since you agreed to stay with me tonight." Matthew closes his eyes again as Joel presses up against him with clear arousal denting into him, powerless to stop his own hips from rolling back.
"Want to catch me up on what I've missed while I check on dinner?" Joel says then, squeezing his hands again and tilting his head in the direction of the kitchen. Matthew does that, slowly unstiffening himself but still remaining torn and cautious, even through Joel's repeated kisses and smiles in his direction as he cooks.
"I had a hell of a strange morning," Joel says when Matthew's finished talking. Matthew's stomach clenches and his jaw clicks, knowing he's going to get confirmation of what he's already seen. "I went out early to get some stuff for this," Joel says, gesturing at the dinner he's preparing. "And I ran into an old friend from college—Jack. Sarah might even know him; I don't remember."
Joel's being blatantly honest about this, Matthew thinks to himself, bracing against how much it's going to hurt when he either hears the reminder he's only been a casual thing to fill the time, or that he's going to have to share—not that he thinks he can share. Joel steps up to him with a spoonful of sauce to try and grins at him, rewarding him with a kiss when Matthew gives a nod and smile of approval at how good it tastes.
"Anyway, I ran into him, almost literally. Guy was white as a sheet, standing outside the market entrance looking so out of it. Turns out his dad died a couple of nights ago and he's in total shock about it. His mum's in a state, his older brother lives in Canada, and the youngest one's currently on honeymoon. Jack's kind of had to hold it together and deal with everything, and I think—I think the shock of it finally got to him."
Matthew nods, feeling sorrow at this unknown person's loss, but still smarting himself at what is about to be his loss before cursing himself for his selfishness. But he nods for Joel to continue and keeps silent, waiting it out. He's trying to show no emotion at all, and even remains a little rigid when Joel leans in to kiss him quickly.
"Anyway, I convinced him to come get a coffee with me. He was... he was so out of it, you know?" Joel says, wiping a hand down his face and pressing it there over his mouth for a minute then dropping it away again as he shakes his head. "He... I think he just needed someone to talk to that was separate from it all, you know? He sat down on the sofa in a daze, practically on my leg," he laughs with embarrassment, shaking his head, "and then I... he started crying, and I'm helpless when it comes to tears. I hugged him, and you know the poor bastard just broke. My shoulder was soaked by the time he pulled back from me."
Matthew decides he feels his heart stop. It's a perfectly reasonable explanation, the look of genuine sorrow on Joel's face tells him it's nothing but the truth, and the way Joel can't seem to keep his hands off him or his lips since he'd arrived is a signal that nothing has changed between them. Matt
hew calls himself a horrible person, a mistrustful bastard, and undeserving of the incredible man in front of him.
"I'm sorry for your friend," he says carefully, also deciding that he's not going to tell Joel about his little freak out from earlier that's left him moping and mournful all day. "I'm sure you really helped him today; it sounds like he really needed it," and with that Matthew pushes back from the counter and steps bodily towards Joel, crushing their mouths together.
Joel lets out a surprised huff at the force of it but kisses back with full enthusiasm. His hands curl under the hem of Matthew's shirt and slide up his back, pulling him a fraction closer still. Matthew bunches up his shirt between his fingers then loops his arms low around Joel's waist, pulling back to drop his head against his shoulder and sigh into his neck, before kissing him in relief all over again.
Matthew feels Joel's mouth curl up in a grin against his that he echoes without even trying, and when Joel pulls back presumably to return to the stove he seems helpless but to lean straight back in again to peck a noisy kiss on him before checking on what he's cooking. Matthew curses himself a final time for idiocy then steps up behind him, sliding a hand up the front of Joel's shirt and turning, and resting his head against his shoulder blade as he cooks. He asks further questions about Joel's friend Jack before the conversation turns to both of their weeks, Sarah, and anything else they can think of.
The steak he cooks is delicious, but what's even more delicious is the attention Joel is giving him. Seeming so thoroughly happy to see him and never able to be more than a finger's reach from him leaves Matthew feeling settled again. He cautiously calls himself out as lucky and undeserving, the entire time warring with himself over how this is supposed to be easy, not supposed to involve feelings, not supposed to cause either one of them doubts or loss of sleep.
They move to the sofa after dinner, curled in on one another with a glass of wine Matthew remembers mentioning to Joel just once as his favourite, leaning in for occasional kisses and nuzzles into necks without a hurry or care in the world about anything else. Joel leans in for another kiss and hums against his mouth, pulling back with a wicked smile on his face as he clinks his glass against Matthew's.
"I have a suggestion," Joel begins, taking a sip from his own glass and watching Matthew the whole time he does, "or more like, a request." Matthew feels a thrill of excitement and curiosity though is slightly worried he's not going to be up to much. He's sluggish after what was an amazing dinner and a long day of worrying needlessly, but he's eager and willing at least in mind if not body.
"I think," Joel continues with his eyes lingering down the length of Matthew's body, "that we should keep drinking a little more of this wine since you like it so much. Right here, on this sofa. But that we should be naked for it. Been far, far too long since I had my eyes and hands on that body of yours." Matthew's cock immediately starts to thicken and he blushes for the ease with which Joel does that to him, nodding rapidly to show how much he likes that idea.
Joel's smile is gleeful. He stands and reaches for Matthew's glass to put it down on the table in front of them then extends his hand again to pull him to his feet. And then he kisses him, one hand sure and steady pressed there against his jawline as the other begins unbuttoning and unzipping him. Matthew's fingers are immediately pulling and pawing at Joel's jeans, a sudden urgency to see him taking control. Joel smiles against him and drops his hand, raising it with his other seconds later to lift Matthew free of his shirt.
In a matter of seconds they're standing there naked. Joel looks down at Matthew's cock as it continues to swell and thicken and reaches for it, squeezes, crouches and mouths along it for a second before standing again and walking over to the fridge, coming back with the rest of the bottle of wine. Matthew's standing there a little uncertain with his hands half-curled in and pointlessly covering himself, but Joel sits easily, patting the cushion beside him and gesturing for him to join. When he does, Joel leans over him and hums with interest, intent in the way he looks him over before reaching forward to top off their wine.
They continue drinking, only this time it's interrupted not just with frequent kisses but with even more frequently wandering hands. Joel leans and laves over Matthew's nipple and Matthew slides his fingers over Joel's chest to pay similar attention, his fingers sliding down until they're resting on his stomach. Joel lifts and hooks his leg over Matthew's so he's stretched wide open and his cock is standing proud. Matthew pulls his own leg back to drag him a little wider and then dips his hand down to cradle and play with Joel's balls, all while taking a sip from his glass and keeping up the pretence at least of a normal conversation.
A little later and Joel's pulling his leg back, leaning over and mouthing along Matthew's length. He takes a mouthful of wine and messily dribbles it over Matthew's cock, enthusiastically licking it all back up and making him stutter and jolt his legs further apart. Joel gives him a grin that is pure wickedness then bends again and sucks Matthew's balls into his mouth in turn before straightening up and carrying on with their conversation as though nothing has happened.
The evening continues like that. There's a bottle of lube that Matthew notices Joel's already left on the table is drizzled onto hands, and soon Joel's got Matthew's leg wrapped high around his waist and he's fucking his fingers into him, while Matthew's doing his best to stroke Joel in the slickness of his palm, thoroughly distracted by what Joel's doing to him.
"Tomorrow," Joel starts, interrupting himself with a particularly dirty slide of his tongue into Matthew's mouth and a continual push of his fingers into him, "tomorrow, I'm gonna fuck you. I'm gonna roll you over on your stomach then up on to your knees, and I'm gonna fill your ass with my cock." Matthew's breath whistles into him sharp, and his ass clenches with want, his hips stutter forward and his cock jolts up where it's pressed awkwardly against Joel's chest.
"That what you want?" Joel asks, grinning and leaning in to kiss him with a hum, "Me to open you up? Fuck you wide open? See if I can make you come on my cock?" Matthew whimpers, any possibility of answering gone as his brain freezes, and his tongue goes so dry it feels like it's stuck to the roof of his mouth. "You want me to fuck you, Matt?" Joel asks with a wicked, teasing lilt in his voice that makes Matthew's brain short out.
"I want that," Matthew manages to blast out with a rapid nod of his head, "I want that, I want that. Fuck I want that so much," Joel gives another hum then cradles his head and kisses him deep.
"Gonna fuck you so hard you'll be feeling me for days," Joel tells him in an echo of an earlier promise to do just that. "So hard. You won't even be able to sit without remembering how it feels having my cock in your ass."
Mindless and his entire body trembling as though on alert, Matthew grabs Joel's wrist, presses his fingers further into him and grinds down on them, wailing out and then begging, "Please. Please."
"Tomorrow," Joel says, wickedly, "you'll have to wait for tomorrow," Matthew wants to say no, to plead with him for now. "Gonna make you ache for me making you wait. Want you to lose sleep over how much you want my cock in you."
Matthew whimpers again, wriggles against him and drops his head into the crook of Joel's neck, his entire body shaking. Joel gives one hard thrust of his fingers into him, purposely stabbing at his prostate, then withdraws them teasingly slow, wrapping his arm tight around him and mumbling repeated promises into his ear of how hard he plans on fucking him.
"You've got a couple of choices," Joel ducks to tell him, kissing against his temple and waiting for Matthew to raise his head up to look back at him. When he's sure Matthew's listening he leans in and kisses him, then pulls back with a beam of a smile and a deep, satisfied sigh. "So. I can make you come now. Lick you out, suck you off, stroke you till you're coming over me like this," Joel punctuates his words by grabbing Matthew's ass and pulling him against him, then pulls back, wipes up Matthew's precum from where his cock's pressing hard into his stomach and lapping at his fingers, grinning at Matthew's answe
ring whimper as he watches his mouth.
"Or," Joel continues with another quick kiss for him, "or you can make yourself wait. Have a sleepless night just thinking about me in you so when you come tomorrow you really come. It's up to you..." Matthew can't even think straight, dropping his head back down with a shudder and shaking his head, so beyond speaking his lips part but nothing but air blasts out. "I'll even wait with you if that's what you want us to do so when I fuck you tomorrow, I won't be able to hold back from how hard I want to fuck you. I won't be able to think of anything but gripping you tight enough for bruises and ramming my cock in you, spearing you open."
Matthew whimpers again, raising his arms to wrap tight around Joel and hold on, shaking what feels uncontrollably against him. Soothing hands run down his sides but do little to reduce the way he's trembling, feeling so flushed all over from how much he wants Joel to do all the things he's saying, how much he's aching to be filled, how much his stomach is churning over.
"Hey," Joel says what feels like out of the blue, so gentle and soft in stark contrast to all he's been promising, "hey, I'm not—I won't... I'm not gonna be that rough with you, please don't worry." Matthew's head's an immediate mess, because all of a sudden he's aware of the thought that as much as he wants Joel to do all he's just told him he's going to do, he is a little scared by it. Make that quite a lot scared, if he's honest, even if he can't find a reason for that fear. Sure, Joel's fingered him hard multiple times now, and Matthew's fucked himself repeatedly on that dildo so knows full well the ache and stretch of that. But the real thing is going to be completely different, and more than that, the trust involved feels immense, and unobtainable. The realisation of that leaves him a little overwhelmed and that full body trembling worsens, leaving Matthew feeling stupid.