by Josie Leigh
“Not all mothers are like yours, you know,” Sammy said from beside him, bringing him out of his trance. “Jamie is in a class all her own. You know that!”
“I know that!” he laughed. “I mean, Kelly is a nice, normal mom,” he scoffed. “I just didn’t expect his mom to be so nice!” he said, putting his hand in the small of her back to lead her toward their ferry. “After all, her son hasn’t been gone that long and their granddaughter’s new caretaker is her daughter-in-law’s ex-fiancé. It would make me a little uncomfortable if I were her,” he explained.
“Mary isn’t from Covington, Jason,” she reminded him. “She hasn’t heard all the toxic Sammy/Jason bull shit. Besides, I prefer to think of you as my best friend, rather than my ex.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. “I’m sure being outside of the poison in that town helps your perspective,” he finished as he paid for their tickets and ushered her onto the boat.
**
The afternoon with Jason on the island had been a more relaxing day than she’d had in a very long time. She was constantly surprised that they never seemed to run out of things to talk about. Although, she knew it shouldn’t surprise her because it had never been a problem in their friendship. Dinner was way more low key than the last time they’d been to Vashon, seven years ago.
Even though things were completely different now, she couldn’t help but remember how nervous he’d been that day. He had to have known what her answer would be, but his leg would constantly shake whenever they would sit down. This time, he was entirely focused on enjoying the day and it made everything lighter, including the weight of their past.
By the time they caught the ferry back to Seattle, the sun had set and a chill had settled in as they sat on the deck watching the lights of the city glitter off the Sound in front of them.
“We can go inside, if you want,” Jason offered when she shivered.
“I’m fine out here,” she smiled up at him beside her as the breeze carried his scent over her. Unconsciously, she moved closer to him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, rubbing her arm in an attempt to warm her up. Without a thought, she laid her head on his shoulder and let out a small sigh as his fingers began to trace patterns against her sleeve.
Finally realizing what she was letting happen, she let out a gasp and slowly lifted her head to look at him. Jason’s cerulean eyes were nearly black with repressed desire as he gazed at her. Her head was telling her to move out of the situation, but the slight tilt of her chin upwards was the only invitation he needed to connect his lips with hers, softly. She felt a shudder rock through her that had nothing to do with the evening chill.
‘Holy FUCK!’ was the only thought in her head as she felt her heart drop to her toes.
Samantha shocked herself when she was the one who deepened their kiss. Electricity pulsed in her veins as his finger traced from behind her ear down to her neck and across her collarbone. After opening her mouth to him, he tried to take over the kiss, sliding his tongue to mate with hers, but it was still so soft, so gentle.
Her hands clutched the silk strands of his blonde hair as she changed the tempo of the kiss, and, embarrassingly, tried to devour him. Samantha’s head was screaming at her to stop, but her heart and her body were both giving her the finger. She understood her body’s response. After all, it had been over eight months since she’d been touched like this in a way she had invited. The bursting of emotion from her heart is what gave her pause. It didn’t feel the same as it did when he’d kissed her five years ago; it was deeper, stronger, and much more frightening.
Trying to slow the progress of their ministrations, she brought her hand down his face to rest on his cheeks. Suddenly, she felt cold, as she opened her eyes to find that Jason had broken off the kiss. Her eyes flew to his in bewilderment that he’d pushed her away. Watching him stand and pace in front of the bench, she waited for her breathing to slow again.
“That was—” she breathed deeply.
“Amazing, incredible, almost everything I imagined it would be,” he finished, pushing his hands threw his hair as he continued to pace.
“Almost?” she asked, her mouth wide in confusion.
“This,” he sat beside her again, lifting her left hand into her field of vision.
“Oh,” she gasped as the diamond on her platinum wedding set glittered in the darkness. Suddenly, her hand felt like it weighed a ton.
“I can’t do this with you while you still belong to someone else,” he explained, pain evident in his voice. “It’s not fair to him,” he nodded at the ring, “and it’s not fair to us. We deserve better than this, especially this time.”
“You’re right,” she agreed, hanging her head.
“As much as I’d love to do that again,” he lifted her chin so their eyes met and she could see the desire still flickering in them, “I won’t let it happen until you are ready to take these off,” he finished, letting his thumb skim across the top of the rings. His words and actions sent a heady cocktail of guilt, desire and love through her system, confusing her even more.
“Okay,” she answered, deciding secretly that she was glad to have something to protect her from the specter of their relationship that had been missing all day. As much as she didn’t want to admit how that kiss had affected her, she knew she’d practically started dry humping him right there in public. She also knew she wasn’t ready for everything being with Jason would mean. They weren’t some casual fling. Any renewed romantic entanglement would be serious from day one.
“When that ring comes off, though, I promise, all bets are off. So be sure of what you want from me before you make that decision, okay?” he promised, pulling her to him for a hug. Samantha couldn’t find her voice anymore and simply nodded against his chest. Although they didn’t speak for the remainder of the trip back to the mainland, they stayed in each other’s arms, knowing their relationship had just changed again. Samantha hoped that they could find a way to get back to the light hearted moments they’d had earlier in the day by the time he showed up on Wednesday to resume his role with Corigan.
Before they reached her car to drive back to Kent, he stopped her. “I don’t want you to think I’m going to pressure you, Sammy. Please, don’t think that. Everything will be just as it always is on Wednesday, but while I’m working, I want you to think about us, okay?” he asked.
“Okay,” was all she could say as she blinked back tears that confused her. Was she upset that he wasn’t going to pressure her? Was she upset that he’d seemingly read her worry like he always did? Or was she crying because she found comfort in both? “Thank you,” she gave him a weak smile when he kissed her forehead softly and lead her to the car.
Chapter 15
“I know how deeply you loved Caleb, but at this point, don’t you think you might be hiding inside your love for him as an excuse not to move on?” Sara asked, flicking the petals of the rose she picked onto the deck.
“You aren’t asking me to move forward, Sara, you are asking me to move backward,” Samantha said, picking up her glass of wine from the table between them and willing herself not to think about how she’d felt when Jason’s lips touched hers on the ferry ride back from Vashon two months ago.
The feelings the kiss had stirred inside her were becoming difficult to ignore. Samantha loved the way his arms felt and the way his smell comforted her during what should have been a scary moment. Yet, she hated that the first time she’d felt alive since the accident was when she was in his arms. She hated even more that he’d kept his promise to her. He’d behaved these last months as if the kiss hadn’t happened. The only glimpse that it had was the way his eyes drifted to her left hand at some point every day.
“You think admitting you might’ve been wrong about Jason is moving backwards?” Sara raised an eyebrow at Samantha and began picking the thorns off the rose’s stem.
“No, I think taking him back is though. I mean, isn’t it just easy for me to fall back into our comfortable,
old relationship?” Samantha’s eyes moved to the lake, watching as a boat roared past her dock, avoiding her sister’s gaze like she’d be able to tell that something had happened between her and Jason.
“That’s ridiculous! It’s been nearly six years, Sammy; there is no comfortable, old relationship. Only the new one you’re forging together,” Sara snorted.
“I still want to know how he got you to forgive him,” she said, trying to shift focus to the past, rather than the present or God forbid…the future.
“That’s his story to tell, not mine,” Sara shifted in her chair, uncomfortably. “Let’s just say, I’ve learned to stay out of your business now.”
“HA!” Samantha laughed, sarcastically, standing up from her chair. “What do you call this then?”
“Trying to show you that it’s okay that you survived that accident. That you deserve to have a beating heart that thumps a little faster when someone you love enters a room. That you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, even if that someone isn’t Caleb. And realizing when two people have unfinished business caused by a loud mouthed little sister?” Sara offered with her best contrite look fixed on her face.
Instead of answering, Samantha let out a long, exasperated sigh and walked down the steps to her back yard, effectively shutting down Sara’s line of questioning. She wasn’t ready to be having these discussions with anyone, let alone her sister. ‘Things are just fine the way they are. That kiss meant absolutely nothing,’ she told herself, willing it to be the truth as her gaze swept back to the deck when she heard her sister’s chair slide from her position at the table.
“You say this is about not moving backwards, but right now, you’re only standing still. You can be in denial all you want, but at least be in denial of the truth!” Sara shouted before turning on her heel to go back into the house, slamming the door in her wake.
‘Real mature,’ Samantha winced at her sister’s display before turning her attention back to a small patch of land Jason had turned into a garden. She hadn’t been sure the spot would get enough sun to grow properly, but it had flourished. With the summer approaching quickly, she knew they’d be hard at work, planting for fall again soon. Her favorite new addition to her yard was the rose bushes he’d planted near the first floor patio. They were purple, just like they’d discussed, and she couldn’t imagine why they hadn’t always been there.
Walking back toward the patio entrance to the downstairs family room, she saw Jason’s hunched figure on the couch. Pausing to take him in, she saw he was smiling and talking. She wondered if he was on the phone when suddenly, he leaned back and revealed Corigan sitting beside him, cuddled under one arm, enraptured in the story he must be reading. Edging forward, she saw the book sitting on his lap. Samantha smiled at the scene, not believing how much of an interest he was taking in her daughter. Corigan loved spending time with him, too. Samantha could only be grateful she wouldn’t have to miss having a male influence in her life, as least not yet. She wondered what he expected to get out of it all. She had an idea from his birthday, but when she looked down at her wedding ring on her left hand, she knew she wasn’t ready to take it off yet. Not even for Jason.
Looking up from the book, Jason’s eyes met hers and held. The sincerity in his expression began to melt away her resolve slightly. Smiling broadly, he waved her in.
“Mommy!” Corigan screamed as she walked in the patio door. Her dark brown curls bounced as she raced to embrace Samantha. “Unkey Jason was readin’ a story,” she offered, brightly.
“Oh yeah?” Samantha asked, softly.
“Uh huh!” she nodded her head enthusiastically. “It almost nigh-night time. I not tired,” she pouted.
“Somehow, I doubt that,” Samantha laughed, lifting Corigan up to inspect her pajama selection. “Purple duckies? Didn’t you wear these last night?”
Corigan giggled. “No, mommy! Pink duckies!”
“OH! Pink duckies! How could I have been so silly?”
Corigan shrugged. “Read wit us?” Corigan’s hazel eyes filled with hope and Jason shot her his most sheepish smile.
“Sure,” Samantha grinned and sat next to Jason on the couch before situating Corigan on her lap.
“Only one more though, Corigan,” Jason warned, “Then it’s bedtime.”
“Still heading out to see your friends tonight?” Samantha asked, moving the book between them.
“Yeah,” he nodded, giving her a thoughtful look before returning to the story.
“Good, I’m glad to see you getting out of my house every once in awhile,” she gave him a forced grin. “It’s not my right to hog you all the time,” she said, but knowing that the conviction behind her words wasn’t quite there.
**
Walking into the dark tavern, Jason passed the pool tables on his way toward the bar. Spotting Toby in their usual booth in the back, he lifted his hand to order a beer from the bartender before walking to greet his friend. Even though he’d tried to get her out of his head all the way to the bar, Jason couldn’t stop thinking about how stilted Samantha words were tonight and how she was still wearing her wedding ring like a piece of armor after the soul shaking kiss they’d shared. He knew she was trying to protect herself from their past, and he didn’t know what to do to get around it.
“Thanks for making me come out tonight, man,” he said, accepting the beer from the waitress.
“You’ve been playing substitute daddy for, what? Eight months now?” Toby asked. “You need some unwind time, man.”
“I’ve been meaning to, but we’re coming up on the anniversary of the accident, and then Corigan’s second birthday right after that. I don’t want to leave Sammy alone too much…I made a promise to her when she was drunk on her anniversary.”
“Are you in love with her?” Toby asked suddenly, cocking an eyebrow at Jason, before tilting his beer back for a drink.
“That’s not a simple question to answer, Toby,” Jason growled in frustration. “Sometimes, when I fall asleep, I can still see her in that car, unconscious,” Jason picked at the label of his beer bottle. “I see her hand in his and I don’t wake up screaming or sweating because she almost died,” he finished before taking a long drink from the beer.
“No?” Toby cocked his eyebrow again.
“No, I wake up angry!” Jason looked up at his friend. “Angry at myself, angry at her, angry at Sara, and really angry at Caleb,” the last word came out more as a whisper.
“Her husband? Why?”
“I’m not sure if I’m mad at him for dying…well, sacrificing himself so she’d have a better chance of survival, therefore leaving behind an impossible standard to live up to… or the fact that he got to know what it was like to be with her at all,” Jason explained. “I’ve never been a jealous guy, but when I think back to that accident-,” he closed his eyes before continuing. “I think I wanted to rip off the hand that held hers, even though I knew he was gone. It’s probably the most horrible thought I’ve ever had in my life!” Jason downed the rest of his beer and signaled for a fresh one.
“I’m sure that’s not true-”
“No, Toby, I wanted to kill him for letting her move on from me. It didn’t matter that he was already dead. How messed up is that?!” Jason grabbed the amber-colored bottle the waitress sat in front of him and nodded a quick thanks.
“Jason,” Toby started, calmly. “I only meant that I’m sure you’ve had more horrible thoughts than something born of a jealous haze,” he said, starting to chuckle. “We still have to see Carla’s ex from time to time because that bastard actually married her sister! I have killed him millions of incredibly disturbing ways in my head.”
“Yeah, but you weren’t staring at his lifeless body at the time.”
“Fuck! We need to stop talking about such morbid shit, Jas!”
“Dude! We’re paramedics; we see morbid shit all the time!” Jason laughed.
“I know, but we’re off duty! I didn’t invite you out to ‘talk shop’ s
o to speak,” Toby tilted his beer back to take a long drink.
“So, the answer is yes, I’m in love with her. The real question was: do I love the idea I have of Sammy in my head, who she was, or am I in love with Samantha, the woman she’s become?” Jason asked, leaning back against the vinyl booth and casting his eyes to the acoustic tiles on the ceiling to collect his thoughts. He was beginning to wonder why someone would put white tiles on the ceiling of a bar when Toby asked the million dollar question.
“Something tells me you already know the answer to that question.”
“I knew before I even finished asking, Toby. I’ve suspected it for the last eight months, but I’ve known for sure for the last two,” Jason laughed. “I’m in big fucking trouble with this, aren’t I?”
Toby laughed, and slid another beer in front of Jason. “It’s going to be a long night, buddy, but we’ll figure it out.”
Toward the bottom of his third bottle of beer, a familiar face stopped in front of their booth.
“Is this seat taken?” Missy asked, leaning over the table to put her cleavage directly in Jason’s line of sight.
“Um,” Toby started, looking at Jason for guidance.
“Yes, Missy, it’s taken,” Jason answered, gruffly.
“You’re right!” Missy said, brightly, before sliding into the booth beside him, so close that he could tell she wasn’t wearing a bra under the thin black tank top. “By me.”
“No, not by you, Missy,” he tried to separate himself from her, but she matched every move he made until he was crushed against the wall.
Missy wasn’t an unattractive woman in the least; he had just never been interested. After he and Sammy had split, he went on a little bit of a bender with women, trying to get her out of his system, but he never touched Missy. He knew she’d be more than willing, but he wanted to be able to look Sammy in the eye when she finally asked him the truth and tell her that he’d never slept with Missy. Most men swooned over her and found her irresistible, though, including Toby. “Toby, eyes up, want me to tell Carla about this?” Jason narrowed his eyes at his best friend.