by Josie Leigh
“Well,” she hedged, elongating the word, trying to find a diplomatic way to tell them the truth without revealing too much. “You’re right. That wasn’t all it was, okay?” she admitted. “We’re-,” she paused and took a deep breath before her next words. “We are going on a date tonight,” she continued, holding up her hand to stop the grade school responses about sitting in trees the girls started to dust off for this occasion. “I’m just afraid that it’ll be five years ago all over again, and I’ll lose my friend for good. I’ve really enjoyed our time the last year, and I don’t want to mess that up,” Samantha started to talk faster as she got further into her rant, “Besides, I don’t know if I can handle it if it didn’t work out and I couldn’t talk to him anymore! And I want to move forward! I’m not sure a time machine to the past is what I need right now! Do you?”
“Why do you keep talking about going on a reunion tour?” McKenna asked, seemingly perplexed by Samantha’s thoughts.
“What are you talking about?” she asked, shooting her a bewildered look.
“You keep carrying on like you and Jason are a band going on a reunion tour,” she said as if her words just cleared up everything. “You aren’t though. Hell, you aren’t even the same people you were before! Jason has a career, a condo, a life he forged without you. You have a business, a beautiful house you shared with your husband and a daughter! Your lives have changed so much.”
“Okay?” Samantha said, still confused as to how that pertained to a band on a reunion tour.
“You aren’t the same band anymore. The major changes in your life dictate that you aren’t going to turn out the generic, recycled tracks. Sure, you’re going to do a cover of your relationship, but an updated version,” McKenna shrugged. “Granted, it may end up being a crappy version of a really great song, but what if it’s your own personal version of ‘All Along the Watchtower’? I mean, Bob Dylan’s version was great, but Jimi’s catapulted it into another universe, you know?” She tried to clarify but got off on a slight tangent. In a weird way, though, now that McKenna had explained further, Samantha understood what she was saying completely.
“Do you always speak in industry jargon?” Jessica asked, with a chuckle.
“Would I be a good music producer if I didn’t understand the field?” McKenna rolled her eyes. “But what I’m trying to say is that you can try and it could suck, or it could be amazing. You just have to be willing to take the risk. I think my brother is worth it, but…do you?” McKenna’s blue eyes cut to Samantha’s and she knew her answer. It was nearly, unequivocally…
“Yes,” she sighed, quietly, before adding, “but--”
“No buts! Stop there!” Jessica held up her hand.
“I have to make sure I can trust him completely with my heart this time,” Samantha continued, suddenly needing out of the rest of this conversation, she clutched her side. “FUCK!” she squealed. “Why did I let you talk me into the bike? I’m not going to be able to walk tomorrow, and I have a date to go on tonight!” she finished, limping away from Jessica and McKenna toward the locker room, a look of relief flooding her features.
“Way to run away again, sis!” Jessica yelled from behind her. Samantha heard the girls giggling behind her as she tried to figure out how she was going to complete the one task she knew she needed to do before she met up with Jason that night.
**
“So are you sure you are okay with Sven meeting us here?” Jamie asked, gesturing toward the door to the coffee shop a couple of blocks from his condo.
“Um, yeah, but I don’t understand why he couldn’t just come to my house?” Jason asked as they walked in and immediately spotted the dirty blonde dreads of his mother’s aromerologist at a corner table.
“Your house hasn’t been cleansed, Jason,” his mother frowned, as if the reason she’d shared should have been obvious.
“Of course,” he agreed, sarcastically, “I can’t believe I was so stupid.”
“Sven!” Jamie shouted as she approached the table.
“Jamie!” he returned with a greasy smile. “I bought you za green tea, jah?” he lifted a cup to toward Jamie.
“Thank you, Sven,” Jamie answered, sing song, taking the cup from his hand.
“I added your medicine, jah?” the white Rastafarian winked at her. Jason tried hard not to laugh at his obvious fake Swedish accent.
“You’re amazing,” she gushed, as Jason further suppressed the desire to roll his eyes at the display. “Like the son I’ve never had,” she growled in her son’s direction, indicating her displeasure with his recent choices.
“I’d love you more if you paid me, too,” he mumbled, as he walked to the counter to order his drink.
“What was that, honey?” Jamie called from behind him.
“Nothing, mom,” he turned and gave her his sweetest smile, before taking his place in line. ‘Only a few more hours to get through,’ he told himself. He was trying hard not to think about the promise of spending time with Sammy that night, because he didn’t want to get his hopes up too high about what she might be ready for. He also knew thinking about it would only make the day seem to move slower, and with his present company, he didn’t need any help making the day feel like it was dragging.
Waiting to the side for his cup of coffee after ordering, Jason saw his mother texting from her phone, and sneaking glances at his location in the shop. He found her actions to be highly suspect, because his sisters were busy today, he was with her, as was Sven and his father didn’t text. Miranda and McKenna were right when they said she was up to something. Courtney was out of the country, but even she said that she sounded weird the last time they’d talked. They all agreed that she seemed to be overly preoccupied with what might be going on between him and Sammy. His suspicion hit the stratosphere when she startled and put her phone away, guiltily, upon his reappearance at the table.
“Who were you texting?” he asked, nonchalantly, looking toward Sven, who was not so discreetly checking out a woman bending over to pick up a napkin that had fallen to the floor in front of her.
When he caught Jason watching him, he shrugged and said, “I sink her spine is out of alignment, jah?” Yet, the lascivious grin on his face suggested other thoughts entirely.
“It’s none of your business, Jason,” Jamie said, closing off both topics of conversation.
“Sure it isn’t, mother,” he openly rolled his eyes at her. “Now, what was so important that we had to meet Sven in the coffee house today?” he asked, wanting nothing more than to fast forward the next few hours of talk of sage sticks and peppermint tea tree lava lamps.
**
Kelly picked up Corigan on time and gave Samantha a hug with tears in her eyes. As she left, she whispered good luck with a sad smile. She wanted to prolong the next item on her to do list as long as possible, but she knew she couldn’t avoid it forever. After showering and dressing in clothes that were casual, but dressy enough to pass at most places he might want to take her before the movie, she sat down on her bed next to Caleb’s night stand, favoring her hip, and looked at the wedding set still on her left hand.
Taking a deep breath to calm the tears threatening, she looked toward the bedroom ceiling. “How am I supposed to do this?” she asked. “God, I miss you,” she whispered, as she twirled the rings around her finger, nervously. Looking around the room again, she realized that she no longer felt his presence in their bedroom and needed to do this in a place she felt close to him. Because they’d lived in this house together for less than a year when he passed away, she had more memories of Jason here than Caleb. The thought brought a sad smile to her lips as she tried to figure out where she needed to go so she could feel close to her husband again. She hadn’t even known that her house wasn’t that place anymore.
She thought about heading back up to Snoqualmie, but she knew that she’d never get the peace she needed to say good-bye in such a tourist attraction. After deciding against heading to their old apartment in Au
burn and not being able to face the site of the car accident, she decided there was only one place she could get the privacy she wanted, while still feeling close to Caleb. Gathering her courage, she walked slowly to her car to drive to the cemetery.
The sounds of the car’s engine echoed through the quietness of the interior as she drove in absolute silence. Although the solemnity of the gesture she was about to make seemed to hang in the air like a thick curtain, the rhythm of her heart told her that she was ready for this. Samantha didn’t feel the need to run and hide, nor was she nauseous with the thought of opening a new chapter of her life. She was, finally, calm and at peace with the decision.
When she made it to the headstone she was looking for, she sank to the ground as the full weight of what she was about to do washed over her. After avoiding this place for the last year, since she’d still been hospitalized during his services, seeing his name, etched in stone, made his death completely solidify in her mind. He really was never coming back; this whole last year had actually happened.
“Wow,” she started, her voice cracking with emotion. “I don’t even know how to start to tell you how much I wish you were still here,” she said after clearing her throat. Her eyes swept over the rolling green hills of the burial park before settling back on the stone in front of her.
“Corigan is getting so big. She looks so much like you that sometimes I feel like you are still here, but inside her. I’ll never let her forget you,” she whispered, running her fingers over the cold surface. “That’s not what I came to tell you, but you knew that, didn’t you?” she gave a sad chuckle before continuing. “I’m here because you told me that I’d know when it was time to move on, and I’m here to say,” she inhaled a deep breath, “good bye,” she squeaked the last word out as the sobs she’d been holding back finally started to wrack through her body. “Jason has been amazing to Corigan and me this last year, Caleb. At every turn, he’s made our days without you just a little bit easier to get through,” the words started to come out in a rush, as if she couldn’t hold them in anymore.
“Over the last year, there were times when I felt like I did die in that accident with you, but not physically. I definitely felt dead inside most of the time. Empty, hollow. The only thing that has made me feel alive again is taking care of Corigan, and, as much as I don’t want to admit it, being with Jason. He didn’t let me wallow in self-pity or despair. He doesn’t let me let our daughter down. I can’t even completely quantify how much I owe him.
“That’s not why I want to be with him, though,” she, quickly, corrected. “As much as I use it as an excuse, I do trust that it’ll be different this time. We were young and had only known what it was like to be with each other. There is still something nagging at the back of my brain that Missy is the key to knowing the truth, but I can’t waste time living in the past anymore,” Samantha shook off the direction of her thoughts.
“I will always, always, always cherish the time I had with you. It wasn’t nearly the lifetime we’d promised each other, was it?” Samantha chuckled as she swiped the tears from her cheek and looked down at her rings. “Just because I take these off, don’t think for a second that I’ve forgotten you or what you’ll always mean to me,” she finished, sliding the rings into the palm of her hand.
“I’m going to put these in the safe for Corigan. I won’t let her live a single day without knowing her daddy loves her, and wishes he could be here to tuck her in every night like he used to.” She heard her phone chirp from her purse on the ground beside her, looking at the display; she let out a small giggle. “It’s Jason,” she said, holding up the phone as if he could see it. “Wants to check on me, I’m sure. It’s like he knows what I’m doing, without me telling him. I’d think he was stalking me, if I wasn’t able to do the same with him.” Samantha typed back a quick message letting him know where she was and that she was okay and she would call him when she was done.
“He’s been so patient and it’s not right to make him wait anymore…I don’t want to make him wait anymore. I promise, though, I’ll be back again, soon. I won’t wait a year this time,” she vowed. “I love you,” she said, kissing her fingers and laying them lightly on the top of the grave marker before standing to walk back to her car, dialing Jason’s number and trying to calm her tears.
“Are you sure you don’t need me to come and get you?” he asked as he answered, his voice sounded worried.
“I’m fine, Jason,” she smiled. “I’m on my way over. I just have to stop by the house first.”
“About that,” he started, sounding disappointed. She sucked in a breath in preparation for his words. “I meet Ken at her studio this morning before she started recording for the day. She told me that you overdid it at the gym today,” he said, surprising her with the direction of the conversation.
“A little, but I’m okay, if you still want to go out,” she answered, quickly.
“Why don’t you come over to my place and I’ll cook? Maybe pull up a movie on Netflix?” he offered. “Make it more low key, not as much pressure that way,” he chuckled, nervously. “Nor do we have to worry about running into anyone,” he continued, his tone more ominous.
“Sounds perfect,” she agreed. “I’ll be there in an hour or so?”
“Great! I’m just finishing coffee with my mom and,” he paused, coughing slightly, “Sven. It has been…interesting, to say the least,” he finished, and she knew he’d coughed to suppress a laugh. “That’ll give me enough time to pick up supplies.”
“Okay,” she said, cranking the engine on her car. She was finally ready to turn the page on that next chapter of her life.
Chapter 21
Samantha had just finished changing into a much more comfortable outfit when she heard a knock on her front door. Curious and in a hurry, she walked briskly to the door. Looking through the peep hole, she was pleasantly surprised to find Jason’s smiling face looking back at her. She couldn’t help the grin that spread across her cheeks as she unlocked the door to let him in.
“I thought I was meeting you at your place?” she asked, taking in his worn jeans and blue button down shirt. Blushing slightly that he’d gone through the trouble of picking her up, she took the bouquet of gardenias he offered her upon entry. “Thank you,” she said, smiling and gesturing for him to follow her through the house.
“I planned to just follow our arrangements and meet you at my place. Then I thought it wouldn’t make me much of a gentleman to not pick you up, nor would it make the best impression, for our first date,” he laughed, walking behind her as she pulled a vase from the cabinet and began to fill it with water for the flowers.
“It’s not our first date, Jason,” she reminded him, giving him a look that said for him not to be silly.
“But that’s where you are wrong,” he said, moving into her space as she put the flowers in the center of the kitchen island. “We’ve already determined that we are different people than we were before, so it would be the first date for the new versions of ourselves, right?” he asked her, his eyes communicating the depth of his feelings for her and reassuring her of the choice she made to be here with him like this.
**
Jason questioned his decision to pick Sammy up instead of just waiting patiently for her at his house every mile between the coffee shop after he left his mother and Sven, then again after he stopped for the flowers. He worried that she’d find it cheesy and unnecessary, that he was trying too hard. He couldn’t stop himself from making the gesture, though. However, the happiness in her eyes when she opened the door washed away any doubt he’d had.
Lifting his hand, he brushed a lock of hair from her face before caressing her cheek. With his other hand, he lifted her left hand to his lips, kissing it, tenderly.
“Are you sure?” he asked, changing the nearly lighthearted direction of their conversation, looking for answers in her glossy emerald green eyes.
“Yes,” she whispered, meeting his gaze with equal intens
ity. “I was ready.”
“Okay,” he whispered back before lowering his lips to hers. This kiss was unlike any they’d ever shared before. It burned deep into his soul and lodged there. True comprehension washed over him as her lips slid against his. They’d been truly apart for the last six years and she was finally willing to come back to him. He was surprised how much she’d been holding back now that she’d finally let herself go to be with him. The kiss wasn’t desperate, rushed, the result of an argument gone too far, nor was it a product of him just being the nearest willing and warm male body. When her lips parted and her tongue started to mate with his, he felt his heart kick into a higher gear than he thought possible. They may be different people, but this Sammy and Jason still belonged together.
Letting out a low moan, his knee parted her thighs so he could get even closer to her as her hands slipped under his button-down, tracing the lines of his abdominal muscles. The touch was so light that, if it weren’t for the heat of her hands on his skin, he would’ve sworn he was imagining it. When she started to grind her center against his knee, he forced himself to pull away.
“My place?” he asked, his voice rough from arousal, trying to calm himself at the prospect of the long trek across town.
“It’s been a year, Jason,” she answered. “If you are uncomfortable with my bed, we can go down to the guest bedroom,” she told him, her eyes glittering with a longing he’d never seen. “The ring is gone, put away, and I’ve spent more time in this house with you than I did with Caleb, if that’s what you are worried about. There are no longer any ghosts in this house, just you and me,” she said, the reassurances she was giving him seemed more like a plea than platitudes. Knowing her head was clear and she was truly ready, a possessive growl ripped through him. Wrapping her legs around his waist, he carried her toward her bedroom, his lips never leaving hers.
“I had a dream just like this,” she laughed as he broke away from her and pressed her against the mattress, never breaking his connection with her lower body. He knew he needed to be inside of her soon or his jeans would cut off the circulation to the rest of his body. Looking down at his Sammy beneath him, the awareness of how overdressed they were washed over him.