by Alexa Kang
He only stood there, emotionless.
"No," she said with a nervous smile. "You don't mean it. You can't mean it. We're going to get married, aren't we?"
Without responding, he picked up his uniform top and put it on. She watched him, her eyes wide in disbelief. He finished dressing and walked toward the door.
"You're leaving? Just like this?" she asked
He looked down at his hand on the doorknob. He considered saying sorry, but apologizing felt false. If he were truly sorry, he wouldn't have started with her to begin with at all. Apologizing would only serve to cast himself in a better light, and he didn't deserve it.
"You can't leave me." She began to cry. "I love you."
Sadly, and not without pity, he smiled. You don't even know me. "I never said I love you."
"Wait! Jesse!" she cried out. "Don't leave. I don't understand. What went wrong? We can talk about this. Can't we talk about this?"
He turned the doorknob. Talking was pointless. He had been down that road before. The only purpose of talking was hope. There was no hope. "Goodbye, Gracie." He opened the door.
Seeing she could not change his mind, she became desperate. Sobbing, she picked up the small vase on the nightstand on her side of the bed and threw it at him. The vase missed him by an inch. It hit the door and fell to the floor, shattered.
He walked out without looking back.
At the school building where the 33rd Field Hospital was temporarily based, Jesse searched frantically for someone, anyone, who could tell him where to find Tessa. A nurse pointed him to the direction of Aaron Haley's office.
In Aaron's office, Tessa laid a sealed envelope on the doctor's desk. When she turned around, she found Jesse standing at the door.
"Jesse."
"You're leaving."
"You heard?" She looked at him with sad eyes. "Yes. I'm being transferred to the 51st to follow the First Army. The reassignment came yesterday. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know where to find you." She smiled at him in jest. "Where've you been all this time? No one ever knows where you are. Are you up to no good again?"
He didn't respond to her joke. "You're leaving tomorrow."
"At 1300. I'm glad you've come here. I wouldn't want to leave without saying goodbye."
He remained standing at the door, as though afraid to come near her. Afraid to accept the inevitable.
"I wish you had come to my wedding. Anthony said he invited you. I was very disappointed you weren't there. I had to use the angel amulet you gave me as your stand-in."
He held on to the doorframe, clutching hard to the wood. She could see the tension in his hands. "Jesse, are you all right?"
Ignoring her question, he asked, "This is goodbye then?"
"It's not what I want either," she said. "I'll miss you."
He walked toward her. His eyes full of anguish and more intense than she had ever seen them.
"Will you? Really?"
"Will I what?"
"Miss me." He put his hands on her shoulders.
She turned her head and glanced sideways at his hand on her right shoulder. Confused, she gazed up at him. Before she knew what was happening, he bent down and kissed her on the lips.
Too stunned to react, she stood there. His lips lingered on hers, full of yearning. His kiss, laden with unspoken passion so deep, deluged her to the core. His warm breath beseeched her like a torrent of desire, unfulfilled. When she realized what was happening, she tried to push him away, but he grabbed her hands and held her from moving away.
"What are you doing?" she demanded.
"I'm sorry. I had to do this. Just once, I want to know what it's like to kiss you."
She stared at him, dumbfounded. Still holding on to her, his grasp of her hands loosened. She started to object, but there was so much pain in his eyes. She couldn't bring herself to raise her voice.
"I love you," he said. "I've been in love with you since the first time I saw you." He ran his fingers softly across her cheek.
"No. This can't be. What about Gracie?"
"Gracie? I got close to Gracie because it was the only way I could get close to you."
She shook her head in denial.
"You know she means nothing to me. You know that."
"No," she said, still shaking her head. "You can't. I can't. Anthony…"
"Right. Anthony. The love of your life. The light of your world." He grabbed her hands again. "Can you honestly say you feel nothing for me? Nothing at all?"
She looked away from him. She didn't know how to answer him. Of course she had feelings for him. Next to Anthony, he was the person she felt closest to since she had come to Italy. Deep inside, she always thought they shared a kindred spirit. He never judged her, and she never judged him. Among the medical staff, he understood her, more than anyone else. During those miserable days in Anzio, she was always glad when he was around. He made life at the hospital more bearable. But what kind of feelings did she have for him? That was not something she had consciously thought about.
"Look at me," he said softly, drawing her to raise her eyes to meet his gaze.
"We have something," he said. "I feel it. You feel it. You just won't admit it. You won't even acknowledge it, but you know it's there."
His words brought forth so many unfathomable implications, she was afraid to even think what they might all mean.
"Can you say without a doubt we wouldn't have had a chance if you had met me first?"
She could neither admit nor deny what he said.
"I've only ever loved one person in my life, Tessa. That's you." He wrapped his arms around her. "I couldn't watch you get married to somebody else. I'm sorry I met you too late."
She knew the right thing to do was to back away from him, but he was so hurt. It hurt her to see him hurt. She could feel the rawness of his pain. In his arms, the tender warmth of his body engulfed her. She could hear the agonizing sound of his heartbeat.
"Goodbye, Tessa." He finally released her.
Shaken, she fell back against Aaron's desk as he walked away.
"I love you more than you'll ever know," he said before he disappeared out the door.
She watched him leave. When she recovered her senses, she thought back to all the times when they were with each other. How could she not see any of this? It was all so obvious now. Everything he had done for her. Every effort he had made to please her. Every excuse he had found to be around her. The way his eyes brightened whenever he saw her.
How much it must have hurt him to carry her messages to Anthony week after week, all for a ruse to be near her. Through it all, he upheld his word. He made sure she and Anthony could remain in touch the entire time they were in Anzio. Not once did he take advantage of their friendship to interfere with them. Not once did he say a single disparaging word about Anthony. Other than occasional harmless flirtations, he always remained honorable and proper around her.
She tried to think of what she could have done. Was there something she could have said to change anything? Could she have acted differently to save him from reaching this point of heartache and despair?
Nothing. She could not think of anything.
There was nothing she could do now either. She could not run after him. She could not console him. The only thing that could take away his pain was the one thing that she could not give him.
Remembering his kiss, she touched her lips. A long time passed before her mind cleared and she could leave the room.
Back in her quarters, Tessa found Gracie sitting on her cot, weeping. Alice, another nurse, was consoling her. Tessa could guess why Gracie was crying. But still, she held out the faintest hope that she was wrong. "What's the matter, Gracie?"
"He left me," Gracie said in tears.
"Who? What are you talking about?" Tessa asked, even though she already knew. Part of her still wished that none of this was real. She wished something else had made Gracie cry.
"Jesse. We're over," Gracie said, devastated
and angry.
Tessa turned her face away. She felt guilty, even though she had done nothing to cause this.
"No explanation. No apology. All he said was, 'It's over.' Then he left. He said he never loved me." Gracie sobbed as Alice embraced her to comfort her.
"I'm sorry," Tessa muttered and quietly left the room. After what had happened, she didn't know what to say to Gracie. Anything she could say would be a lie. If she told her the truth, it would only hurt her even more.
Not knowing where she was going, Tessa kept on walking. She came to the stairs at the end of the hallway and went down to the main floor. She crossed the lobby and exited the hospital. She wanted to get away, to seclude herself, and to withdraw from being the source of everyone's distress.
Outside, people went about their business. Rome was once again a peaceful city. But the turmoil of her own world had only begun. A wild storm swirled within her. Everything inside had spun out of control.
She reached for the angel amulet in her pocket and took it out. The celestial whiteness of its surface epitomized the purity of love. She thought of Jesse's radiant smile. Her heart ached for all the pain he must feel.
She closed her hand around the amulet. "I'm sorry, Jesse. I already gave my heart to somebody else."
No one heard her words. Her whisper faded into the noise of the streets.
11
On his way to the hospital in the late morning after returning from Naples, Aaron Haley stopped at the little café around the corner. Since coming to Rome, he had been coming here every time he wanted to take a break from work. The coffee served here was made with instant coffee supplied by the American Army, but the owner served it with chicory. The little trick added a woody, nutty taste to the beverage and made all the difference.
He had been thinking of a cup of coffee here on his trip back to Rome. His visit to Naples ended sooner than he had planned. The medical conference concluded ahead of schedule, and he was able to come back a day early. No one was expecting him today at the hospital.
Aaron took a seat at the small table by the front window. The cafe owner, a thin, balding man with a white mustache, recognized him right away.
"Buongiorno, Dottore!" the man greeted Aaron and brought him a coffee and a pastry.
Aaron politely accepted. He took from his bag a copy of the National Geographic he had brought back with him from Naples to read while he drank his coffee. After taking a sip, he put the magazine down. He realized he would rather enjoy the moment instead. He didn't usually get to take his time to enjoy coffee and a pastry. Morning always began with a breakfast meeting with Fran Milton. His head would be filled with data and reports before his stomach got full.
This past week in Naples, he had been wondering if he shouldn't put an end to those breakfast meetings. The meetings began as a measure of efficiency to get their routine administrative issues out of the way before they started their daily work of treating patients. After the wretched ordeal of Anzio, he didn't want to take any good things in life for granted anymore. There had to be a better way to start the mornings, like a cup of coffee and a few moments of quiet reflection during breakfast before the day began.
He finished his coffee and bid the cafe owner goodbye, then continued on his way to the hospital. Behind him, two young boys followed, giggling. These boys lived around here. They had followed him every time he came to this cafe. Smiling, he strung them along until he reached the entrance of the hospital. There, he turned around and took out of his bag a chocolate bar for each of them. The boys ran up and took the treats.
"Grazie, Dottore." They thanked him happily and waved goodbye.
He watched the boys shove each other in jest as they ran down the street. Once upon a time, he had wanted children. A lot of children. At one point in his life, he was sure he would be a father.
All that was so long ago. He no longer expected it. With the life he led, the chances of his becoming a father was unlikely. He had come to terms with it.
He stepped into the hospital.
"Good morning, Dr. Haley!" said the Red Cross volunteer working at the reception desk in the lobby. "I wasn't expecting to see you."
"Good morning, Doris." He waved as he walked passed her. "The conference ended early."
In his office, stacks of files had piled up on his desk. A mountain of work awaited him. He went behind his desk and dropped his bag down by his chair. On the top of a file, a letter addressed to him caught his eye. He picked it up and opened it.
Dear Dr. Haley,
I regret that I won't have a chance to say goodbye in person before I leave. By now, you must have heard that Ellie, several corpsmen from our hospital, and myself have been transferred to the 51st Field Hospital in Normandy. I am very sad to have to leave the 33rd, but it is Captain Milton's final decision and cannot be changed. I want to let you know that I've learned a lot from you. It was an honour to serve with you. I hope we will meet again someday.
— Tessa Graham
Aaron reread the letter and tried to understand what had happened. Tessa left? Ellie was gone too? When did this happen, and why was the decision made without him?
Ellie…transferred…
Just then, Brent Doyle knocked on his door. "Dr. Haley." He entered. "I heard you're back. That's great because I wanted to ask you about a new idea I have. Since we're not too busy in Rome at the moment, what do you think if I set up a series of training sessions for the less experienced staff members to…"
"Dr. Doyle." Aaron interrupted him. "Do you know anything about Tessa and Ellie leaving the 33rd?"
"You mean Lieutenant Graham and Lieutenant Swanson? Why, yes. I heard they've been transferred to Normandy."
"You heard?" Aaron asked. Doyle had to know everything about this. Fran Milton said he and Ellie were now involved with each other. "What do you mean, you heard? Didn't Ellie talk to you about it?"
"No." Doyle shrugged. "She didn't say anything to me personally about it. There was an announcement about her transfer at her promotion ceremony yesterday."
"Promotion ceremony?"
"Yes. She was promoted to first lieutenant. She'll become the deputy chief nurse at the 51st Field Hospital up north. That's what they said in the announcement."
Aaron looked at Tessa's letter again. The news hit him hard, but it had to be worse for Doyle. "I'm sorry to hear that Ellie has to leave you, but you must be happy for Ellie for her promotion."
Looking confused, Doyle scratched his head. "I'm happy for her, of course, as much as everybody else. Swanson's a wonderful nurse. I don't understand, though. What do you mean you're sorry to hear she has to leave me?"
"Aren't you two seeing each other?"
"Seeing each other? No," Doyle denied, waving both his hands. "There must be some misunderstanding here. I'm not seeing Lieutenant Swanson. I don't even know her very well. Besides, I'm engaged." He took out his wallet and showed Aaron a photo inside. "This is Trudie, my fiancée back home in Charlotte."
Aaron looked at the photo. In it, Doyle had his arm around a young woman at a county fair. The young woman was holding up her hand to the camera, showing off her engagement ring.
"Don't get me wrong," Doyle said. "Lieutenant Swanson's a great lady, but our relationship is strictly professional." He closed his wallet. "Wait a minute. Is this what people think? You all think Swanson and I are an item?"
Aaron, too, was confused.
"No wonder then! I couldn't understand why…" A look of realization dawned on Doyle's face. He crossed his arms and started to think.
"You couldn't understand why what?" Aaron asked.
"I didn't know why Captain Milton kept pairing me and Swanson to work together. She even gave us time off together to go sightseeing and tour the city. I thought it was kind of her to do that, seeing I'm new here and all. It was okay the first couple of times, but after that, I didn't want to keep bothering Swanson, so I invited others to join us. Now that you mention it, maybe the captain misunderstood too.
Maybe she thought she was doing us a favor to give us time alone. Well, good thing Swanson left then. Would've been embarrassing for her if we had to explain everything to everyone. I wonder how this misunderstanding got started…"
As Doyle continued to talk, Aaron's face turned progressively paler. He didn't want to believe it, but what had happened was all too clear to him.
Most importantly though, where was Ellie now? "Dr. Doyle, you said Lieutenant Swanson's promotion ceremony was yesterday. Do you know if she has left for Normandy yet? Is she still here?"
"She leaves today," Doyle said. "I believe she and Lieutenant Graham have left for the Lido di Roma Airfield. Doris at the reception desk would probably know. You can ask her. Gosh, I hope Swanson won't be upset if she ever finds out. Honestly, I never did anything to misrepresent…"
Without waiting for him to finish, Aaron rushed past him out of the room straight to the lobby to Doris' desk.
The driver sped over the roads toward the Lido di Roma Airfield outside of Rome. Although not far, only twenty-five kilometers away, the ride seemed excruciatingly long. Aaron felt as though it was taking forever to get there. He repeated in his mind over and over again what Brent Doyle had said, and what Fran had told him. He didn't want to believe Fran had lied to him, or that she had intentionally deceived him, but there was no other explanation. She had told him Doyle and Ellie were seeing each other.
He wanted to believe otherwise. He considered the possibility that Fran had made an honest mistake. She wouldn't go to this extent to manipulate him and the people around him, would she? Maybe she had the wrong impression about Doyle and Ellie, and she had meant well to give them a chance to spend more time with each other.
Fran was a longtime colleague. A trusted friend, despite her sometimes difficult personality and her temporarily misplaced affection for him. He wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that everything was one big misunderstanding, but he knew that was not the case. Fran never concerned herself with the staff's personal lives. Even if Doyle and Ellie were really seeing each other, Fran would not have bothered to do them any favors by giving them time together unless work required it. Besides, she was an intelligent woman. She would have realized her mistake very quickly.