by Alexa Kang
"Yes," she said. "Yes, I'll miss you."
He smiled and stroked her cheek.
"Don't go." She didn't know what came over her. In the moment, all she wanted was for him to stay. She would do anything to keep him from leaving. "Please don't go." She touched his chest and unbuttoned the top of his shirt.
He took her hands and stopped her.
She reached up on her toes and tried to kiss his lips, but he put his hands on her shoulders again and gently pushed her back.
"Please, Jesse. Stay."
He smiled again and let go of her. She watched him walk to the door. She wanted to run after him, but her legs were stuck like rock. She could not move. When he reached the door, he turned around once more. "I love you more than you'll ever know."
And then, he was gone.
"Don't go. Don't go," she whispered over and over again, but he was gone.
The winter sun peered through the windows, signaling the start of another day. In these forest regions near the Belgian Ardennes, snow had already arrived. A heavy mist had set in outside while the nurses slept. Under the gray sky and dim light of the quiet dawn, Tessa woke up from her dream. Her nose felt cold from the room's frosty temperature after a night spent in this unheated stone building where the hospital staff had set up their temporary quarters.
Her mind still foggy, she looked around. The other nurses in the room were still asleep. She turned from her side to her back and stared up at the ceiling. More awake now, she remembered what day it was. Today, she would leave for Paris. A rush of excitement sprung up in her heart.
Almost immediately, the vivid memory from her dream flashed through her mind and slashed her feeling of elation.
I love you more than you'll ever know.
Jesse's voice resonated in her mind. The details of the dream came back to her. In her dream, she had tried to unbutton his shirt and kiss him.
Why did she dream about Jesse this way? She wouldn't do that. How disconcerting. On the night before she was leaving to go see Anthony too.
But in her sleep, she had felt them, those feelings she had for Jesse when she tried to kiss him. In her dream, she had yearned for him to stay. That yearning was still with her, and so strong too.
Trying to shake off the awkwardness brought on by the dream, she got up, grabbed her face towel and toothbrush, and went to the washroom. On her way, she couldn't help feeling a pang of guilt.
It was a dream, she told herself. You can't control what you dream. She did her best to put it out of her mind.
The train pulled into Gare du Nord station shortly after two o'clock. Her heart filled with anticipation, Tessa stepped off the train onto the platform.
Paris. The City of Love.
Her heart was bursting with excitement. Four months had passed since she and Anthony had last seen each other. To have three days with him in Paris was a dream come true.
The city bus took her down the Boulevard de Sébastopol toward the Latin Quarter. Paris was a familiar place to her. She had come here many times with her parents when she was a child. For Anthony, this would be his first visit. She planned on being his tour guide. In America, she always felt he knew more about everything than she did. This time, she would get to show him where everything was and what everything was about.
There were so many places she wanted to take him. They would go to all the major tourist sites, of course. There were other, lesser-known places too, like the Shakespeare and Company bookstore on Rue de l'Odéon, where her father liked to go. It was the same bookstore the writer James Joyce had frequented. She wondered if the bookstore was still there. She wanted to take Anthony there. He would be fascinated.
She got off at the bus stop across from the Seine River. On her way to the hotel, she passed by a fashion boutique, where a beautiful satin dress was on display in the window. Its color, azure blue, captivated her. She stopped to look at it, and saw her own reflection in the glass. She looked so grubby in her ragged army uniform. In an instant, she made up her mind and went into the store.
"Bonjour." The girl working at the store greeted her.
"Bonjour. Puis-je voir cette robe?" She pointed to the blue dress in the display window. The French classes from her St. Mary's days had some use after all.
"Bien sûr. Venez s'il vous plaît." The sales girl brought Tessa the dress and led her to the back of the store. Holding the dress by the hanger over her body, Tessa looked into the full-length mirror. The dress reminded her of the blue sky on a clear summer day.
Blue like Anthony's eyes.
"It's stunning," she said, more to herself than to the sales girl.
Not understanding Tessa's words, the sales girl smiled and pointed to the fitting room. "Voulez-vous l'essayer?"
Worried that she might soil the dress, Tessa shook her head. "Pas besoin. Je vais la prendre." The dress looked about her size. She would just have to take the chance that it would fit. She turned to the mirror one more time. She couldn't wait to see Anthony's face when he saw her in this dress.
In the train car reserved for the army officers, Anthony sat in the corner of the last row of seats as far away as he could be from the other passengers. Only one other lone officer sat across the aisle from him, reading a book. During the entire ride, Anthony kept to himself, wanting to be left alone.
The rattling sounds of the train traveling across the tracks pounded his head like a hammer. Outside the window, the scenic countryside swished by before he could catch its full beauty. Not that it mattered. He could not enjoy the view. He turned his gaze away from the window. The claustrophobic interior of the train gave him no escape.
He opened his palm and looked at the lucky seven dice. Their chain dangled from his hand and swung to the motions of the moving train.
"My whole life, I've loved only one person. One person."
Jesse, the man to whom Anthony now owed his life, said he had loved only one person.
"Tessa. She's the only one...the only girl I've ever loved."
Why? Anthony kept asking himself. Why did Jesse do it? Why did he risk his life to save him?
Jesse could've let him die. If he loved Tessa, why didn't he let Klaus kill him? If Anthony was gone, Tessa would be free.
No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends.
When he married Tessa, this was a line in his wedding vow. His vow. How did this happen? How did his vow become an act of love to his wife demonstrated by another man?
Anthony tightened his fist around the dice and struck his fist sideways against the train car’s wall. The sound of the punch startled the officer sitting across the aisle. The officer glanced at Anthony, then turned his attention back to his book.
Left to his own thoughts again, Anthony clasped his hands and lowered his forehead onto his fists. The chain of the dice dangled from between his palms, reminding him of the debt he could never erase.
How could he go on with Tessa now, knowing that Jesse had wanted her too? Did it not matter what Jesse wanted?
Part of him felt angry. If Jesse hadn't saved him, he wouldn't feel so guilty about being with Tessa, his own wife.
If Jesse hadn't saved him, he wouldn't be alive to be with Tessa.
Unable to clear his thoughts, Anthony buried his head in his hands. The rattling of the train grew louder and louder, hounding his mind.
If he hadn't run after Klaus alone, could Jesse's death have been avoided? Should he have waited for the rest of his troops and the backups to arrive before heading toward the clearing?
A mountain of guilt weighed down on Anthony.
Why wasn't there any way to undo everything? What could he do now to make everything right?
21
In the hotel room, Tessa checked herself in the mirror. In her new blue dress, she felt like a pin-up movie star. Not since her wedding day had she looked so fresh and pretty. Anthony would be so surprised.
She picked up her bottle of rose perfume and sprayed a light lay
er on her neck. Anthony loved it when she wore her rose perfume.
All ready, she waited for him in the sitting area. The flicker of the candle on the small table in the center of the room danced like the beats of joy in her heart. Anthony should be here any time now. She fiddled with her rose pendant and imagined the moment when they saw each other again.
At last, a knock. Her heart raced as she opened the door.
She thought Anthony would take her into his arms, sweep her off her feet, and kiss her the moment he saw her. Instead, he held his distance from her. His ashen face and his sorrowful eyes confused her. She had never seen him look so disheartened before, not even on their worst days in Anzio.
"Anthony?"
He walked into the room and dropped his rucksack on the floor. The warmth of excitement Tessa had felt earlier came to a dead stop. A disquieting silence filled the room. Something truly awful had happened. What could have brought Anthony down this way?
"Anthony?" Tessa closed the door and came near him. "What's wrong?"
Anthony took a dog tag out of his jacket and put it on the table. A chill shot up Tessa's spine, sending goose bumps to her arms. Whose tag was this? Why was Anthony showing her a dog tag?
Warily, she reached out to pick it up. Before she had it in her hand, she could see the name imprinted on it. Her hand froze. She looked at Anthony, but he turned and looked the other way. She took the tag, hoping against hope that her eyes were wrong. They were not. The name on the tag was clear and could not be mistaken.
"The man I've been chasing, Klaus," Anthony said in a low voice, "he had his gun pointed at me. I was supposed to catch him, but instead of catching him, he caught me and he was pointing his gun at me. He was going to kill me."
Tessa put her hand on the table to steady herself.
"I should be dead now, but Jesse saved me. He was following me. I didn't know he was following me. No one else was. He saw me going off alone. He picked up a rifle from a dead soldier and followed me. When Klaus got me cornered, he tried to get Klaus to let me go and threatened to shoot him if he didn't.'"
She held up the dog tag. The cold piece of metal lay in her hand, a cold reminder of his death.
"Klaus played us. He pretended to put his gun down but he shot Jesse. Jesse shot him back, but he got away. And then…" Anthony swallowed and couldn't go on. Tessa came closer to him, but he pulled away. "I couldn't save him. I tried but I couldn't save him."
Tessa closed her eyes, but could not stop the flood of tears.
"He said he loved you."
She looked up.
"He said you're the only one he ever loved. He said he decided to look out for me because you loved me. He said looking out for me was the only thing he could do for you that I couldn't."
Tessa pulled out a chair and collapsed into the seat. Silently, she cried while holding tight onto Jesse's dog tag.
Anthony watched as Tessa cried her silent tears. Tessa had shown no surprise when he told her that Jesse had feelings for her. Her pain on hearing the news of his death was beyond that of an ordinary friend. Anthony didn't want to think this, but he wondered. "Did you know?"
"Know what?"
"Did you know he loved you?"
Rather than answering the question, she cried even harder. There was no doubt that she knew.
"How did you know?"
"He told me."
Anthony's heart sank. She had never said anything about this. How long had she known? What really went on between her and Jesse back in Anzio? How did it get to the point where he would die for her?
"Did anything ever happen between you and Jesse?" Anthony was almost afraid to ask.
Tessa held her hand to her face. He could see she did not want to answer this question. "He kissed me. Once."
Anthony felt his world falling apart. Nothing, it seemed, was what he understood it to be.
"I didn't kiss him back." Tessa jumped from the chair and grabbed his arm. "He caught me by surprise. He told me he loved me and then he kissed me. I was caught off guard and I didn't kiss him back. You have to believe me. I told him I love you."
She told him she loves me.
But what about Jesse?
"You told him you love me. If I wasn't here, could you have fallen in love with him?"
Tessa didn't answer. That was enough for Anthony to know what he wanted to know. If she had said no right away, perhaps everything would still be all right. Perhaps he could live with himself, if he knew that Tessa would not have loved Jesse anyway had Anthony himself been the one who died. At least then, his own survival and love for Tessa would have had no bearing on Jesse's hopes. But she didn't answer right away. She had to stop and think.
"You could," Anthony said. His own heart in pain, he smiled. Jesse did not have to give up and die. If he hadn't tried to save Anthony, he would have had his chance with Tessa.
"No. No, Anthony," Tessa pulled his arm in vehement denial. "I love you. You know I love you."
Her denial now made no difference. "That bullet had my name on it. It should've been me who died. If I had died, you could've fallen in love with him, and he would've deserved you."
"No, Anthony. Don't say that. I don't want you to die. I don't want to be without you."
"You would rather he died instead of me then?"
Speechless, she could not respond. She held on to his arm, her eyes filled with despair.
Don't make her sad. Jesse's last words.
Remembering those words, Anthony loathed himself even more. Jesse would not have asked Tessa such an impossible question. "I'm sorry. That's a cruel question and I'm not being fair." He noticed her dress for the first time since he arrived. "You look so beautiful tonight. Too bad Jesse can't see how beautiful you look in your dress."
"No. No. No." Tessa sat back down. "This isn't real. This is not real." She shook her head. "You said he threatened to shoot the man who tried to kill you."
"Yes."
"This isn't real. You got this wrong. This can't be. Jesse wouldn't take a gun to anyone. I know he wouldn't. He can't kill. It's against his conscience. He can't kill." She said this with full faith and conviction. It was clear to Anthony, her feelings for Jesse ran much deeper, even if she herself didn't know it.
"Maybe so," he said with a bittersweet smile of defeat. "But he would kill for you, and he died for you."
Tessa broke down and buried her face in her hands.
"I'd like to think I would do the same for you if I had to," Anthony said. "But how can I ever prove it? I'll never be able to prove this to you or to myself." He took a step back away from her. "I don't know why I'm here today and he's not. He deserves you. After what he did, I can't compare."
"You don't have to compare. You don't have to prove anything. I love you."
"But you could've loved him. Everything could've been his. Should've been his."
Tessa tried to speak, but she couldn't. She didn't have to say anything though. Anthony understood. He understood completely. Neither of them could say that Jesse's love for her made no difference. They could not say that their love for each other was all that mattered. Their love came at the cost of Jesse's hopes, his happiness, and his life. Nothing felt right. Tessa put her face in her hands again and cried.
Looking at her, Anthony wanted to console her. But what could he say? Tell her he was sorry? Tell her not to be upset? How could he ask her not to mourn the death of the person who had saved his life? How could he say he was sorry, when he already hated himself for not feeling sorry enough. Earlier, when she opened the door to greet him, he felt glad and relieved that he had lived to see her again. He hated that he felt glad, when someone else had to die in his place. Worse than that, he had indirectly brought about Jesse's death. He made the mistake of going after Klaus alone. His feelings of guilt ate at him like rotten vermin chewing away at his flesh from the inside.
He didn't want to feel happy. He didn't want to feel glad he had survived. He didn't want to be happy with Tess
a without thinking of what Jesse had sacrificed.
Still holding Jesse's dog tag, Tessa looked deflated and lost.
He felt wrong being here. He could find no way to commiserate with her. She was in her own world, one where Jesse occupied her mind. Anthony felt his own presence was an intrusion. He picked up his rucksack and quietly left the room. He didn't know if she had noticed him leaving. She didn't come after him.
Not knowing where he was going, he left the hotel and wandered aimlessly through the streets. A myriad of thoughts ran through his mind.
Jesse didn't think about himself. He didn't think twice about dying for her.
Tessa said Jesse kissed her. A vision of Jesse embracing her and kissing her invaded his mind. The vision felt like a stab in his heart, and he hated himself for feeling hurt. Jesse was dead. How could he be jealous of a dead man?
Jesse had given his life so Tessa could be with the one she loved. He, Anthony, on the other hand, couldn't even spare Jesse for giving her one kiss?
The more Anthony thought about it, the more unworthy he felt. He was not half the man that Jesse was.
He walked farther and farther away from the hotel. Tessa deserved a worthier man. He didn't know if he could face her again.
For hours, Anthony rode the bus. He didn't know where the bus was going, and he didn't care. He didn't know where he wanted to go. Passengers came and went. GIs, Parisian civilians, he paid no attention. He felt displaced in a world that was moving on. He shouldn't be here.
Why was he still here? Why was Jesse gone?
Why was Warren gone? Ollie and Jim Darnell too. And Wesley. Why were they all gone?
Why did he get to live and they didn't?
I can do it, Captain. He remembered Edmond's confident smile as he walked down the hill to his doom.
Edmond. The officers tied to the Panzer when they entered the battle in Montélimar. The injured soldier left behind in the forest, and the private who had tried to rescue him. Every one of them remained vivid in Anthony's mind. How could he ever make it up to them? How could he make it up to Jesse?