by Erin Wright
Well, she was starting to realize that there was a downside to that optimistic positivity that Declan brought to every situation. He had to understand that she wasn’t like everyone else. She couldn’t do all that he wanted.
Or all that she wanted.
She deflated a little, her shoulders sagging. Dammit all. As much as she hated to admit the truth, her biggest frustration wasn’t with Declan and his inability to realize how crippled she really was.
It was with herself. It was so damn frustrating and angering and terrifying and awful and horrific that she couldn’t just go out there and dance with her boyfriend. It used to be one of their favorite pastimes, and now…now she couldn’t do it.
And she hated that.
And she took that out on Declan.
As another member in the community who Iris didn’t recognize stood up and rambled on about how much her parents meant to him, Iris realized she needed to apologize to Declan, even if now wasn’t exactly the time to talk through things. She could verbally apologize to him later. For now…
She moved back slightly, pressing her body against Declan’s. She heard a hiss of indrawn breath as he jerked just slightly in surprise. She nestled up against him and tilted her head back. “Sorry,” she mouthed. He grinned down at her and wrapped his arms around her, tucking her head underneath his chin and holding her close as they listened to the speeches.
She sighed happily. They still needed to have that discussion, and Declan still needed to know that there truly were limits on her body, but for now? This would do.
Finally, the speechmaking ended and the crowd broke up, heading back to the tables for more food or over to the propane heaters to warm up. Declan asked softly in her ear, “Are you ready to sit down?” She nodded. Today had been more physically draining than any day since her accident, what with cooking in the kitchen and then standing outside as she talked to people. Her legs were tired, and her eyes even more so.
He guided her over to a camp chair and after settling her in, he trotted down to her house and brought back the soft blanket she always kept draped over the back of her couch.
“Thank you,” she said humbly, as he tucked the blanket into place. Close to a heater and the blanket wrapped around her, she was toasty warm and quite happy.
Declan looked around and said bemusedly, “Well, that wasn’t well thought out, was it. I forgot to snag a chair for me, too. Let me go hunt one down so I can sit next to you.”
“Oh, you don’t have to,” Iris protested. “If you want to wander around and mingle, I’m quite happy to just hang out here.”
“Eh, I see enough of these old farts—” he winked at her, “—down at Frank’s Feed. Let me go find something to plant my ass in. I’ll be right back.”
Iris snuggled back into her chair with a stupidly happy grin on her face, and looked around at the party in progress. There was her mom, talking to Mrs. Burgemeister about canning recipes for pickles, and she could just spot her dad, chewing the fat with Mr. Frank, the owner of Frank’s Feed & Fuel.
Everyone’s faces were red from the cold, but the adorable knitted hats and scarves that the women were sporting made Iris wish they held outdoor parties all the time, especially in the dead of winter. If even she could manage the cold and the ice and the snow, then really, no one else had an excuse, at least as far as she figured it.
She glanced over and saw Declan chatting with his brother Stetson, who was bouncing Flint on his shoulder, a baby blanket thrown over it to protect his shirt from any potential spit-up Flint might fling his way.
What a sight to see – Stetson with his own baby. She remembered back to high school, when he’d still been in elementary and such a baby himself. A cute baby, but one nonetheless. To look at him now, she could almost forget what he looked like with one front tooth missing and his hair standing straight up in the back in a permanent cowlick.
Seeing him grown-up and married, a child of his own…well, it made her feel older than dirt, really. Sure, she was only 35, but she felt about a thousand years old, and that was before she really spent much time thinking about how grown up Stetson was.
Declan and Stetson laughed together, and then Stetson asked teasingly, his voice floating on the slight breeze, “So when are you gonna get yourself one of these little buggers?” He patted Flint on the back, his small body looking even smaller beneath Stetson’s large hands.
Iris froze.
Chapter 28
Declan
He left his gorgeous Iris in search of an unoccupied camp chair. He needed to show her that he was willing to fit into her life, which meant sitting next to her and hanging out with her, not wandering off and leaving her alone, no matter what she said she was okay with.
He’d been chewing over their little spat before the speeches had begun, and best as he could figure, she didn’t seem to trust that he’d take care of her. She seemed to think that she had to do everything on her own, without relying on him for anything, including holding her up while they danced.
Come hell or high water, he was determined to show her that wasn’t true. No matter what, he was going to take care of her. He loved her too damn much not to.
“Hey, brother,” Stetson said, interrupting Declan’s thoughts, and his search for a chair. His younger brother was holding Flint, his beautiful baby boy. He was swaddled up so well in coats and boots and scarves and hats and mittens, Declan could barely spot his tiny eyes peering out at the world.
“You’re brave, taking a kid like this out into the cold,” Declan said. He reached out and stroked Flint over his knitted cap, the flaps tied securely over his tiny ears. It was hard to fathom that he’d ever been this small, although the baby pictures his mom used to show him attested otherwise.
But Flint was just so little.
“Eh, Jennifer put so many layers on him, I think he could survive a trip to Antartica at this point,” Stetson said with a laugh. “So when are you gonna get yourself one of these little buggers?” He patted Flint on the back soothingly as the little guy started to squirm. He quickly fell back into his papa’s arms, content to just hang out for the moment.
Declan looked at his nephew as love swelled up inside of him. “Damn, I don’t know. If I could know for sure that my kid would take after Iris instead of me in the looks department, well then, maybe I’d be willing to give it a try. You wouldn’t want this ugly mug on a kid, though.” He stroked his chin and stared off into the distance for a moment, striking a pose for Stetson. He enjoyed the hearty chuckle that Stetson let loose, and decided that he ought to flip some shit at him, as any good older brother would do.
“It’s obvious that you got lucky with this one,” he said, patting Flint on the back. “He’s the spittin’ image of Jennifer. Can you imagine if he’d looked a damn thing like you?” Stetson let out a roar of laughter.
Actually, the kid was cute as a button and he looked just like Stetson had as a baby, but what kind of an older brother would he be if he said something like that? They’d probably take his Older Brother Card away from him. You couldn’t just go around, complimenting your siblings. That was crazy talk.
As he looked into Flint’s sleepy eyes, though, slowly settling closed and then jerking back open as he struggled to stay awake just one minute more, Declan realized that despite his teasing, having a kid was absolutely what he wanted.
Having a kid with Iris was all that he wanted.
He sobered up and said seriously, “I do want a baby, though. Ten of ‘em, if Iris will let me.”
Stetson let out a choked laugh. “You might want to start with one and go from there,” he said dryly.
Declan waved his comment away. “I’ll take as many as she’ll give me. Speaking of, I was supposed to be rustlin’ up a chair so I could sit next to her. I better get a move on.”
“I saw a free chair over there,” Stetson said, pointing past the food tables, “about ten minutes ago. No idea if it’s still free or not, though.”
Decla
n nodded his thanks and headed that direction. He walked past the large bonfire, roaring and shooting up sparks into the quickly deepening twilight, and felt a twist of joy and pleasure shoot through him at the sight. He ought to move Iris over to the bonfire. She’d enjoy the large flames and everyone standing around it, chatting and singing Christmas carols.
He finally spotted a lonely camp chair, abandoned in the shadows cast by the dancing flames, and headed towards it quickly. He wanted to snag it before someone else realized it was free. Iris was probably wondering where on earth he’d gone. This had taken a lot longer than he’d anticipated. Finding a free chair was harder—
“Hey,” Abby said as she tapped him on the shoulder. He spun on the icy snow, surprised by her sudden appearance.
“Oh my God, Abby, you gave me a heart attack,” he said, laughing. But her face was stone-cold serious as she looked back at him, and he quickly sobered up. “What’s wrong?” he asked, panic beginning to wind its way through his veins.
“You need to take Iris home,” she said in a clipped tone of voice, jerking her head back towards where he’d left her. He couldn’t see her through the crowds and the bonfire and the gathering darkness, but whatever was going on, Abby seemed to think it was something awful. Her normally happy, open face was drawn into a deep scowl.
One that seemed to be directed straight at him.
“What’s going on?” he asked, flummoxed. He’d never had his sister-in-law even slightly unhappy with him, let alone pissed.
He couldn’t begin to guess what was going on.
“Go take care of her,” Abby ordered, and Declan could suddenly see how she’d made it as a police officer all these years. An angry Abby wasn’t someone he wanted to mess around with.
He jerked his head in acknowledgment and took off with a brisk trot. Whatever it was, he’d fix it. Had he been gone too long? Iris had said that she was fine being left by herself, but maybe she hadn’t really meant it. Girls did that sometimes – they’d say one thing but expect you to know that they really felt something else completely different. Maybe she’d gone and pulled that stunt on him.
But when he could finally see Iris, he realized something else was wrong. Really wrong. His prideful, stubborn, independent, smart, amazing Iris…was crying.
In public.
In all the years he’d known her, he’d only known her to shed happy tears. She’d never cried from pain or sadness or anger, even that time she broke her leg while they were out hiking in high school.
But even in the awful lighting being cast from the bonfire and propane burners, he could tell that these were not happy tears.
Had someone said something to her? Made fun of her? He felt anger boiling up inside of him at whoever’d made her feel like this. He’d find them and beat them and make them wish they’d never been such assholes. He’d make them pay. No one made his Iris feel awful.
No one.
But when he got to her side and dropped to his knees, she just looked at him, eyes dead. Blank. There was no love, no happiness, no joy. “I’d like to go home now,” she said firmly, in complete contrast to the tears rolling down her face.
“Of course,” he said, helping her to her feet and draping the blanket over his arm. “Are you okay? What happened?”
She didn’t answer but instead snuffled once or twice, dashed the tears away on her cheeks and shoved her arm through his, using him to help her balance on the tricky icy ground. Using her cane for balance, they walked slowly through the gathering. They wished goodnight to anyone who talked to them, but never stopped moving, slowly, painfully, through the throngs and over to her MIL apartment. He helped her down the two front steps to the sunken front door, and opened it for her. She walked through…and slammed the door in his face.
He stared at the closed door in front of him for a long minute.
Yup, that had just happened, and he had no idea why.
Chapter 29
Iris
Iris shuffled over to her couch, threw her cane down next to it, and dropped into it with a howl of tears.
How could Declan be so smart and thoughtful…and completely stupid at the same time?
Ten kids?
Ten kids?!
Who the hell was he kidding? She couldn’t handle one kid. What if she lost her balance and tipped over while carrying their child? Babies didn’t have fully formed, hard skulls to protect their brains until they were 18 months old. She could give a child brain damage because of her godawful balance. She wasn’t fit to be a mother to a guinea pig, let alone a child. Let alone ten children.
Oreo nudged her arm and then licked his way up it, obviously upset that she was upset. She reached out her arm and pulled him up against her, snuggling her face against his soft fur. His purrs vibrated through her body as she wet him with her tears. “I probably shouldn’t even have you two,” she said softly, although her heart twisted at the thought of it. She couldn’t let her cats go. She’d just have to be careful not to pick them up when she was tired. Or walking at all, for that matter.
She groaned through her tears, and Oreo upped his purr, practically vibrating his way off the couch in an attempt to comfort her.
“I was stupid, Oreo,” she said into his fur, so softly that the words were coming out as breathy whispers instead of formed words. “Twice in one day, Declan proved to me that he just doesn’t know what I’m really like. What my disabilities really are. This is my fault, of course – I’ve tried so damn hard to hide them from him. I don’t want someone to look at me and see my disabilities, especially him. I want him to see me.
“But I think…” Her voice trembled with pain at the words she was about to say; painful to even think, but oh-so-true. “I think Declan’s been okay with dating me because he doesn’t realize that I’m disabled. He’s somehow convinced himself that I’m just like every other girl out there. Once he realizes just how much work I am, just how little I can really trust my body…he won’t want me anymore.
“I have to break things off with him before it gets to that point. I can’t keep pretending that I’m fine, because I’m not. I’m not…”
She drifted off to sleep on the couch, exhausted from her long day of frustration at the world, at Declan, and most importantly, at herself. Oreo stayed curled up in her arms, not moving an inch, as she drifted into a dreamless, boneless sleep.
The next morning, she awoke with a jerk, startling Oreo and Milk, who jumped off the couch, the night’s snuggling apparently finished. Iris looked around her living room bleary-eyed, trying to figure out where she was at and what she was doing there. Why was she on the couch instead of in bed? And why did her eyes ache so much?
Then last night came rushing over her and she lay back on the couch with a groan. She’d made a fool out of herself. She’d left her parents 40th wedding anniversary party without saying goodbye to them or helping with cleanup, and she’d cried in public.
As far as she figured it, there really wasn’t anything else she could’ve done that would’ve made the evening before even more embarrassing, except maybe strip down naked and go running through the party while singing the lyrics to It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To.
Even she had to admit that that scenario would mean even more embarrassment.
But only just slightly.
She looked out of the living room windows and saw that a thick layer of fresh snow had fallen overnight. Hopefully the storm had hit after everyone had gone home for the evening. Either way, she ought to help shovel it up, even if she only did her front steps. She could hold a shovel with one hand and her cane with the other.
She forced herself off the couch and, grabbing her cane, made her way to the bedroom. She would change into her snow pants and jacket and bundle up against the cold before she went out. As long as she was careful, she could take care of her own home. It was the least she could do.
She struggled into her clothes and boots, and then grabbed her snow shovel from the hall closet where
her parents had stashed it when they’d moved her in. She paused, holding the handle, and then slowly put it back, grabbing her outside broom instead. It would be better to use it. She could sweep the snow off the front steps, and feed the outside cats while she was at it.
Pleased with her new plan, she closed the coat closet and opened up the front door. A wall of cold air hit her and seared her lungs. Wow, it’d gotten cold overnight. She was thankful it hadn’t been these temperatures yesterday; the party wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun if it’d been sub-zero, even with propane burners and the bonfire.
She closed the front door behind her, and then, leaning on her cane, shuffled over to the bottom step leading up to the driveway beyond. Slowly, painstakingly, she brushed off one whole step. Leaning on her cane heavily, she rested for a moment. She was so damn sick of being this pathetically weak.
C’mon, Iris, get a move on.
She forced her body up to the second step and began sweeping. Just a little longer, and she could go back inside, into the warmth. She shifted her cane, trying to maneuver out of the way of the broom, when the world tilted on her and she began falling.
Arms windmilling, the concrete rushed up to greet her, and then all was black.
Chapter 30
Declan
Declan paced in front of Iris’ dark apartment. There was no answer. He’d knocked three times, each time louder and more emphatic.
Nothing.
One of the outside cats appeared, meowing and wrapping its way around his ankles, but he ignored it. He could pet the damn cat later. Right now, he had a girlfriend to find. He looked around. Her car was there, but her parent’s house seemed to be dark, too. No one was home there either, at least that he could tell.