“The room is spinning,” she observed, closing her eyes and gently shaking her head to try to make it stop.
“I bet it is,” came his deep, soothing reply. “I’m sorry I couldn’t catch you, but you only had the door half open and I would have knocked you to the floor even faster if I’d pushed it open.”
She suddenly envisioned herself sprawled out on the carpet, still dripping from the bath, almost completely naked, with those little cartoon birds and stars circling over her head. He must have carried her to the bed. The towel was long gone, her hair was still wet and she remained nude.
“What are you doing here?” she finally managed.
He smiled and unearthed her hand from under the white down comforter, folding it into his. “You wouldn’t talk to me,” he explained. “And, well, that just didn’t work for me. So I took a few days’ leave and came out here. I want to talk.” He squeezed her fingers between his, his eyes wide and clear, his voice soft and imploring. “Please?”
She was still ridiculously dizzy. She didn’t know if she’d passed out from shock, the wine, the heat of the bath water, the altitude change or the lack of food. But she was starting to believe shock was the most likely culprit, especially considering that having him that close to her was making her heart pound harder. “I don’t know what to say,” was all she could muster.
“I don’t want you to say anything now,” James replied. “Get some sleep and we will talk about it tomorrow. Your conference doesn’t start till Wednesday, right?”
She nodded, still numb.
“What did you have planned for tomorrow?”
“Driving down to the Springs,” she said. “Then home to Breckenridge on Tuesday.” This was surreal, him leaning over her, wanting her so badly that he flew over 1500 miles to see her, just to talk to her. He must not have thought I’d turn him away, she reflected.
“Can I come with you?” he asked softly, his eyes filled with sincerity and a touch of hope.
She nodded. I’m too weak to resist him right now anyway, she consoled herself.
He got her a glass of ice water and returned to her bedside. “Here,” he offered, “I bet you’re dehydrated from flying. Wine was probably not what you should have been drinking. And when was the last time you ate?” he asked, sounding like a mother hen.
She wanted to laugh; she wanted to cry. She would have never imagined this turn of events in a million years. Surreal was the only label she could articulate for it. “This morning in Maryland,” she replied meekly. I can’t believe he is actually here.
“I’m going out to get you something to eat,” he announced. He placed the water glass on her bedside table and kissed her chastely on the forehead. “I’ll be back in just a few.”
This was not what I envisioned when I was considering room service, she thought, the wooziness returning in a thundering wave crashing into her skull. In a flash he was gone and she was left wondering if it had all been a dream. She rolled to her side and snuggled deep into the down comforter, a smile faintly tugging at the corners of her lips. I can’t believe he’s here....
***
“Why am I not surprised that Rachel was in on this?” Sarah smirked as she steered the rental car deep into the mountains.
“Well, she cares about you, Sarah,” James replied, “I know she has been absorbed lately with all the wedding plans, but she wants to help you. And I think you tend to shut her out. You’re great at helping friends who need you, but not always good about accepting help.”
Sarah frowned, unable to argue with his observation. Sometimes she was surprised at how well he seemed to know her. Apparently Rachel had leveraged her own knowledge of Sarah to find James’ number. She knew the password that Sarah used for most of her online profiles, so she logged into her wireless account and searched all the numbers in the texts and phone calls until she figured out which one belonged to James. He was the only one with an Ohio number, naturally. Then she’d called him and read him the riot act. “Why didn’t you go after her?” she had demanded, virtually slapping him upside the head.
They’d been in contact thereafter as he booked his flight and figured out the hotel and room number. “Should I book my own room?” he’d asked Rachel. “In case she won’t let me stay?”
“She will,” Rachel had assured him.
“I don’t know whether to yell at her or thank her,” Sarah admitted after he relayed the entire story.
“Well, I hope you’ll thank her,” James said, placing his hand on top of hers on the armrest.
“I’ll tell you after today,” Sarah laughed and promptly changed the subject to her conference presentation, regaling James with details about her latest research study. He was engaged, posing questions about the methodology and the results. She loved how he was fascinated by the world around him: natural phenomena, the human condition, how the two elements interacted. He is, in many ways, a philosopher, much like myself. No wonder I fell for him. I felt it from the beginning, our souls speaking the same language.
She watched the mountains flashing by the windows of the car and felt buoyant. There was something about her native land that gave her a different kind of energy, an intensity. She sometimes felt so beaten down by the demands and pressures of her job and family but at that moment with the beautiful scenery whizzing past, she felt like a feather floating in the breeze. She looked over at James and sighed softly. I still can’t believe he’s here. And how much I love him, despite everything, she thought. I guess I am going to have to see how this all plays out. It means I don’t get to be in control. And I don’t know if I can handle that.
Finally she turned down the road toward Garden of the Gods, the red rock formations rising before them. It never failed to stir feelings of awe deep in her soul. She felt like a tiny speck of nothingness when walking amongst such intense beauty; she was humbled by it. She’d visited there as a child, a little getaway that her mother and Aunt Sally had arranged for her, Adam, and their cousins Emily and Jacob one summer. She remembered picnicking at the edge of Balanced Rock with the incredible vista of the Rockies in the background. She had fallen in love with the place. Later, she met Rachel when they both lived in Denver, and it seemed fitting that her best friend had grown up in the city graced by this stunning beauty.
James had not visited the park since he was much younger. He was amazed at the timelessness of it; how it seemed exactly as he remembered. They parked near the Kissing Camels formation and he remarked to Sarah that he could almost hear his mother’s voice scolding him for running too far ahead and climbing up rocks he shouldn’t be scaling. “I guess we both have a past here. I didn’t know if I’d ever see it again.” He walked around to the other side of the car to meet Sarah. “Of course I hoped I would.”
“The spirits of our Child Selves are running about,” she noted wistfully. “I can feel them. Playing. Laughing.” She stretched out her arms and the golden sunlight captured the auburn highlights in her rich, dark wavy hair, casting a glow all around her, an aura of pure energy. She twirled in a circle, absorbing all the beauty surrounding her while James drank in her radiance, an earth goddess reconnecting to her terrestrial home.
He caught her in his arms. “So I finally see you in your element, Dr. Lynde,” he smiled, stroking her hair which was flying in the breeze. “You seem like a resident of this place, not a visitor.”
Sarah looked into his eyes. “That may be the highest compliment I’ve ever been paid,” she said appreciatively, stunned at how deeply it moved her. She was silent after that, just letting his words soak in.
They started down the trail hand in hand. There was much unspoken between them. She knew it would come out. It would all come out, but for now, she felt steeped in a shimmery peace and was happy sharing the big, wide, beautiful world with the man she loved.
***
At lunch, the dam broke. They were perched near Balanced Rock, the site of her first picnic in the park nearly thirty years ago. I would have never
imagined as a little girl being here as an adult...with a man...having a grown-up conversation, she thought, remembering how simple her problems were at the age of eight. There was nothing simple about this: not her feelings, not James’s desires, nor either of their actions.
“Here’s what I want to know,” Sarah began boldly. “What’s her name?”
James made no attempt at being elusive this time. “Maggie,” he replied. “Maggie Carson.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about Maggie?” Sarah questioned.
She could see him mentally organizing his words. “When I first started talking to her a few months ago on Facebook, it was almost unreal...just words on a screen at first,” he explained. “I didn’t know if I would ever see her, or if she’d even want to see me. She was pretty angry with me for getting married all those years ago. When I went off to Basic, we’d left things open-ended. We thought that someday we may end up back together. So she was hurt when I married Becca before I deployed.”
“But then you did see her,” Sarah interjected, bringing the topic back to his error of omission.
“Right,” he admitted. He dug into the ground a bit with his heels. “And it was weird at first. You know how it is when you see someone as an adult, someone you knew when you were growing up? It’s like you have to get to know them all over again but it’s almost harder because you have all these crazy memories of them from the past and you’re always trying to reconcile those two versions of them.”
Sarah nodded. At least he’s being open, she thought, recognizing what he was feeling and thinking and then putting it into words. It’s a step. She started packing up their lunch leftovers and stuffing them in her backpack. “Let’s walk,” she suggested, thinking he might do even better if he was in motion.
They hiked down the path and crossed the road to the start of a new trail. He took the backpack from her and slung it over his shoulder. “So we talked about it,” he continued, his feet pressing into the dusty trail. She saw the impressions of his boots and the length of his stride. She couldn’t bear to scan his body up to his face to see his eyes. She waited to hear what she knew he would say. “About making a go of it, you know, marriage, family. All that. Like we had talked about when we were kids.”
“But?” She was holding her breath on that one word.
“We’re both...cautious. She just got divorced over the summer. She never had kids; her ex was a jerk. You know about my experience. And, well, I’m getting ready to leave.”
“Did you tell her about me?” She felt suspended, her heart cast out into the water, waiting for a fish to bite.
They were climbing now. She was following him up a rock that was slanted and she watched the rust-colored dirt accumulating on the tread of his shoes. He had yet to answer her question. They continued to ascend, looping around and through another formation, climbing again. There was a ledge and he stopped to help boost her up on to it. In the distance, the clouds around the snow-capped Pikes Peak had dispersed just enough to give a glimpse of its icy spires touching the heavens. He sat on the cold rocks and pulled Sarah down next to him.
“I told her I’m seeing other people,” he said.
“And?” She wasn’t particularly happy that their relationship had been downgraded to “seeing other people,” but on the other hand, she was relieved he hadn’t omitted that detail entirely to make himself seem more available.
“So I don’t understand what this means for us. If there even is an ‘us,’” Sarah said before he had a chance to respond. She needed this to be like pulling off a band aid. The quicker he tells me he’s going to go make babies with his high school sweetheart, the quicker I can reset The James Channel to something easier to watch. Something less painful.
“I don’t really know what any of it means,” James said. “That’s why I didn’t tell you. Because I really don’t know.”
Sarah’s fingers were trembling in her gloves, and not from the cold. Her eyes were now on her feet, wondering how they would carry her down this mountain. Wondering if she was strong enough for the descent. Wondering if the dirt could ever be removed. Her heart was somewhere near her throat, swelling to such proportions that it was blocking her voice box from functioning.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” James’ voice carried on the wind. “That was wrong. I just didn’t know what to say.”
“Do you love her?” her voice broke through the swelling. So fragile. Like a rose petal.
“I think I do,” he said quickly. She expected him to hesitate. He zigged when she thought he’d zag. No matter how well she thought she knew him, she didn’t.
“Well, then you should be with her,” Sarah concluded, gaining strength, building her resolve. She shifted so she could get her legs under her and get back onto her feet.
He pulled her back down. “Sarah,” he lifted her chin so she was forced to look into his eyes for the first time in this conversation. The tears had already welled and would soon be past the point of no return. It never mattered how strong she felt, she was rarely able to stop an in-progress cry. “I’m confused.”
“What do you mean?” A tear broke loose and trickled down her cheek.
“I have feelings for you too,” he said, his eyes still locked onto hers.
“What kind of feelings?” she pressed, still skeptical. She began reining in her heart, forcing it back down into her chest.
His eyes looked as clear and open as the sky that had parted to reveal Pike’s Peak. “I care about you a lot. I love spending time with you. I don’t know what that means, but I know I don’t want to stop.” His arm was around her now, his hand spanning the small of her back. “When you left the other day...I stood there trying to imagine never seeing you again. And,” he took a breath. “And I couldn’t bear it. I didn’t want to imagine it.”
She allowed him to pull her into his arms. Their hips were aligned, legs facing opposite directions, knees pulled up, feet still on the ground, but her face was buried in his chest, his fingers raking through her hair. She sobbed into his chest, wondering what all this meant, if his words were enough. If these feelings were enough for her, as amorphous as they were.
“Are you okay?” he whispered into the ear closest to his lips.
She pulled away and revealed her tear-stained face to him, her swollen eyes and nose, her heart exposed like a deer in the clearing with an arrow aimed straight at it. This is the time, this is when I let it all out. If I don’t tell him now, I may lose him forever. She found her voice: “I’m in love with you, James.” The words fluttered out like snowflakes, so softly that they melted in his eyelashes.
Now it was his turn to be suspended, waiting for a “but.”
She smiled, relieved that the dam had burst forth; now the valley was about to flood. “There’s no ‘but,’ James. I just love you. I want you to be happy, and I know that might not be with me. I love you so much that it hurts... Sometimes you treat me like I don’t matter to you. I feel like you put me in this box, and all I want is to matter to you. I don’t want to be in a box. I just want to be important to you. All the time. Not just when you feel like it.”
“You do matter to me, Sarah,” he gasped, almost incredulous that she didn’t realize the depth of his feelings. “Of course you matter to me. More than I probably even want to admit.”
“Really?” she looked up at him through watery eyes, the sun catching sparks of gold and amber from within the sepia depths.
“I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel love for you too. I don’t know what else to call it,” he admitted. “I guess I’m conflicted.” She felt his heart grasping for an understanding that was just out of his reach.
“I believe it’s possible to love more than one person,” she assured him. “There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s wonderful to be free enough to open your heart in multiple directions. I wish more people could.”
“Your mind is beautiful,” he smiled. “All of you is beautiful. How could I not love you? When
you look into my eyes, I feel like you’re staring straight into my soul. No one has ever looked at me like that before.”
She squeezed his hand. There were nearly as many questions that remained as the ones that had found answers, like unmatched pairs wandering in the wilderness, waiting to find their other halves. But there was something, a tiny beam of light piercing the darkness, something to build on, something to nurture. It was the speck of hope she needed to believe in.
He covered her lips with his own and she detected that he was suddenly lighter, unencumbered, as if the burdens he’d been shouldering had disintegrated, shackles falling away. Nestled into his arms, she felt like they were soaring. Here they stood, on top of the earth, surrounded by her mountains. Their fortresses would protect this fragile love till it was strong enough to stand on its own two feet.
***
The moon is casting just enough of a glow to highlight the contours of your shoulders and face as you shift your weight on top of me. I am so wet from our last round that you slide into me with no resistance, making me gasp at the sensation of being filled by your hardness. You begin to move ever so slowly inside of me, shallow at first, and then increasingly deeper. You feel my back arching, my stomach tensing, my moans filling the room. Your mouth is close to my ear and you whisper, "No, wait for me, baby..."
I manage, "I'm trying..." Every stroke sends me an inch closer, hitting just the right spot.
Your arms around me, you're moaning, "Oh, fuck..." as I grip your cock deep inside me, trying so damn hard not to let myself fall off the edge.
I know you so well, every breath you take, every thrust, I know how close you are getting. My hands stroke down your back and you are so deep, reaching the core of me. It's taking everything I have to hold back and feeling me approach the edge once more, again you demand, "Wait for me."
I can't even respond, knowing if I lose concentration I will explode around you. You're getting close. I can wait, I can do this. I want us to climax together. It needs to happen that way. In perfect solidarity. It’s symbolic.
The Mountains Trilogy (Boxed Set) Page 24