Yesterday, a girl that I was fond of
finally could see the writing on the wall.
Sadly, she realized
she'd left him behind.
And sadder than that
she knew he wouldn’t even mind.
She sighed as the music wound down to silence but left the meaning of the words resonating all around her. I do feel like I’m living “Someone Else’s Story,” she realized. Why did I fall for Garrett in the first place? To fill up the hole James left. And that’s pretty much it. I would have never have fallen for him if James hadn’t left. But then again, no one has ever left as big of a hole as James did.
***
Chapter Eighteen
I Know Him So Well
“So...the nurse called today and said all the results came back negative,” Sarah sighed with relief.
“That’s great news!” Rachel said. “Was this nurse like the sadistic bitch who called to give me my results last time? She went through every fucking test one by one like they were indictments in a criminal court case. On the count of chlamydia: negative. On the count of gonorrhea: negative.”
“What’s chlamydia?” Owen slowly pronounced as he turned the corner into the kitchen.
Ah, it’s been awhile since he’s asked one of his infamous taboo questions, Sarah thought. “It’s an STI. Do you know what that is?”
He nodded with a look of disgust creeping onto his face. “Ewww,” he said, revealing the answer.
Rachel giggled, “Yeah, they’re in junior high now. They learned about that stuff in health class this year.”
Owen didn’t even glance away from his mission of rummaging through the fridge. My boy is growing up too, Sarah thought sentimentally. She had focused so much on observing changes in Abby that Owen had flown under the radar. He used to fire questions at us and then insist on butting into our conversations as if he was a mini-adult. Now he just wants to play video games. And eat. She frowned. What happened to my sweet, innocent little boy?
“They’re both going to Colorado at the same time,” Sarah informed Rachel. “Since Abby is 17 now I think she’ll be fine keeping an eye on her brother.”
“Ah, very slick,” Rachel replied. “So you’ll have almost a two week reprieve. A vacation from motherhood. A mommy-cation, if you will!”
Sarah giggled at the new word Rachel had just coined. She was sure her friend was more excited, and possibly envious, about her kid-free time than she was. “I’ll probably just sit around missing them the whole time. And maybe write an article.”
Rachel’s eyebrow shot up, “Seriously? Sarah, don’t be lame. You need to have some fun. Come on, we’ll go find some trouble or something...if I can get this kid off my boob long enough to get away.” She motioned to Amethyst who was enjoying a morning nap curled up against her mother’s breast, suckling periodically in her sleep.
“Well, I guess I could look for a new boyfriend,” Sarah considered, placing emphasis on the word “could.” She sighed, “I have to find someone my own age or older this time, though. No more of these 20-somethings. I need someone like Pawel. He’s my rock. If I end up going to Poland...”
“Don’t forget that Pawel is married,” Rachel reminded her. “So, James really kissed you last week? In the parking lot at Java the Hut? How romantic!” She snickered.
“Stop it!” Sarah shushed her friend with a finger placed against her lips. “Owen’s still lurking about down here somewhere.”
“How was it?” Rachel asked, leaning forward with curiosity. “You never did really describe it. I need details, woman!”
“In one word,” Sarah replied, “breathtaking.”
***
It was opening night, and she’d already spotted them in the audience. Maggie’s blonde hair was iridescent under the lights and his blue eyes shimmered, looking infinitely healthier than the last time she’d seen him. His arm wrapped around her as they sat glued to the crimson velvet seats, seemingly entranced by every sound and motion unfolding on the stage before them. Sarah studied their reactions, wondering if there would be some sort of clue why James was so drawn to her, why he wanted her for his bride.
Rachel and Pawel had both sent flowers which filled the whole dressing room with a sweet fragrance. Sarah had looked in the mirror and breathed in the scent, expanding her lungs with the perfumed air and promising that she would not disappoint anyone, especially not herself. Between the lingering feelings for James and her parting ways with Garrett, she had a lot on her mind. Nonetheless, she managed to reach deep inside to the very pits of her soul, gathering every ounce of the strength and courage required to play Florence Vassy. I must put all of this uncertainty, anger, and despair to good use; let it drive my performance.
It was the middle of the second act and the stage lights rose like lighthouse beacons on her as she made her way across the set to her mark. The opening measures of “I Know Him So Well” filled the air as she mentally rehearsed the first line of lyrics. Then it hit her. This song was the duet in the show sung by her character, Florence, who had captured the heart of the Russian chess player, Anatoly, and his estranged wife, Svetlana. The two women sang about their feelings for Anatoly. I don’t know why I never thought of this before, the idea sparked inside her head, but Maggie and I could be singing this song.
She was especially haunted by the bridge. It had never struck her as personally relevant until the very moment the words escaped her lips that night on stage, watching Maggie and James out of the corner of her eye.
Didn’t I know
how it would go?
If I knew from the start
why am I falling apart?
***
I can’t take my eyes off her, he thought. Which I guess is okay since she’s the star of the show. I had no idea she had this kind of talent. She is absolutely brilliant. Amazing. I’m completely blown away.
He glanced over at Maggie, whose eyes were also locked onto Sarah. I wonder what she’s thinking. She had seen a picture of Sarah but seeing someone in person is so much different.
Watching her on stage right now, I really don’t understand how I let her go. She is one in a million. James’s head began to throb with the realization that even with Maggie sitting right next to him, he couldn’t deny his feelings for this other woman, this woman who had taught him so much about love, acceptance, forgiveness and being true to oneself. It didn’t matter how much he loved his fiancée, part of him was still yearning for Sarah. And he was afraid it always would.
He felt Maggie’s hand squeezing his leg just above his knee. He slowly shifted his eyes down to meet hers, and there was a flash of recognition followed by a cold stare. She sees me watching her, he realized. She knows.
***
Sarah scrubbed off most of her makeup, relieved that her skin could finally breathe again. She stripped out of her costume and into her street clothes, taking her time because she wanted to avoid having to appear to her throngs of adoring fans. Haha, she stopped herself mid-delusion, I guess I’ve become a diva already!
She was contemplative and wanted to withdraw from the public eye. After soaking up the limelight all night, the most alluring prospect she could imagine was going home to her soft, inviting bed. Alone, she qualified.
Most of all, she hoped that stalling had given Garrett plenty of time to exit the building before her. She wasn’t sure she could stomach dozens of “Great job, Nav!” “You were wonderful, Garrett” and the like. He had performed well, but she preferred thinking of him as Freddie at this point. She didn’t want to think about the real man behind the character. She knew it wasn’t healthy to harbor so much anger and resentment, but she had not felt so betrayed since Daniel had abandoned her and their son.
The hallway seemed quiet as she tentatively poked her head out the dressing room door to determine if anyone was milling about. She saw a dim light glowing from the men’s dressing room door but otherwise the coast was clear. Sighing with relief, she flipped the light
switch off and made her way down the hall, out the back door of the theater, and into the parking lot.
She witnessed a tall, broad figure move from its perch against the brick wall, heading straight toward her, enshrouded in shadows. She felt a rush of adrenaline surge through her, all of her nerves flipping the switch to high alert. But then she heard a familiar voice calling her name: it was James. Now her body was flooded with a different type of hyped-up chemicals: ones of anticipation...and desire.
Why is he alone? Where is Maggie? she wondered as he made his way toward her. Suddenly the back door swung open and Liam emerged, stepping down the three concrete stairs into the parking lot. He recognized Sarah’s figure at once and ascertained that a man was approaching her. In seconds he sprinted to Sarah’s side, placing himself between her and the stranger. “Is everything okay, Sarah? Is this guy bothering you?”
Sarah suppressed a giggle. “Oh, no, it’s fine, Liam, thanks. He’s a friend. Don’t worry!”
“Okay, just looking out for you, beautiful,” he explained, kissing her on the cheek. He whispered in her ear, “Stunning performance tonight, darling. You were amazing.”
Sarah’s cheeks were burning, partially from his hot breath in her ear and partially from having James standing so close to her. “You too, Liam. See you tomorrow night.” She hoped the farewell would send the message that she wanted to be alone with James.
James moved in closer as they both watched Liam walk toward his car. “Maggie had to work a midnight shift,” he informed Sarah. “So she left right after the performance to get ready. She thought you were great, though. We both really enjoyed the show.”
Sarah’s eyes bulged with disbelief. “She said that?”
“Yes, of course,” James assured her. “Sarah, you are so incredibly talented. I didn’t know you had all that inside you!” He was so close to her that she could feel his breath falling against her freshly-scrubbed face.
“Wow,” Sarah replied humbly, unsure how to respond. “I really appreciate you both coming.”
She could make out his lips curling into a smile even in the darkness. “So that was THE Garrett, huh? The guy who played Freddie?” James asked, inching still closer. He’s going to be on top of me in a minute at the rate he’s going, she thought.
"That was the one and only Garrett Stone, yes," Sarah confirmed. "We broke up, by the way. Why? Are you interested? He likes guys too, you know.”
She thought James's jaw was going to hit the ground, but she wasn't sure if it was because she'd told him they broke up or that Garrett was bisexual. The harsh light above them cast an eerie shadow over half his face while he struggled to process the information. Finally he asked, "What happened?"
"Oh, nothing terribly interesting," Sarah answered. "Lies, et cetera. Rinse and repeat."
"Gotcha," he said. What the hell am I doing here? he wondered, thinking at any moment she was going to say she needed to go. At any moment, she's going to say she can't do this, that I'm toying with her. That it's not fair to her or Maggie. But she seemed paralyzed, frozen in the flood of light hitting the pavement from overhead. Or maybe she just wants to see how far it will go.
"So...is there something you wanted?" Sarah inquired. I can't just stand here with him gawking at me all night, she thought, remembering how much she’d craved solitude only minutes before. I don’t mean to sound cold but....it's late and I just poured my heart and soul out on stage for two hours, she rationalized. I’m tired.
In seconds his hands were on her, trailing down her arm till her hand was intertwined with his. "I don't know what I want," he confessed. "That's the problem."
"What's going on with you and Maggie?" she asked, wondering if he would actually tell her.
He sighed, his hand still grasping hers, feeling how small and soft it felt in his. "Maggie is great for me in many ways. She's smart and driven and I know she's going to make a great mom. We have a good time together and we are on the same page on so many things but..."
It seems like he’s rehearsed that justification. He sounds like a Maggie Carson public relations specialist. "But what?" Sarah interjected when it wasn't clear he couldn’t finish his sentence.
"There's something missing," he admitted. He let her hand go and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, struggling to find the words to express his thoughts. "Do you remember in Garden of the Gods when you said it was possible to love more than one person?"
Sarah nodded, her heart beginning to race and her nerves suspended on a bed of nails. Rachel was right, she suspected. I can't believe this is happening. All those nights I laid alone fighting that desperate longing for him, wondering why he didn’t feel what I felt, he did; he was. He felt it all along. “Yes," she finally answered, her heartbeat pounding against her ribcage. "Why?" I need to hear the words, she thought, from your lips to my ears.
"Because I think I do," he whispered, the words barely audible, but he leaned in to deliver them, soft as a feather against her cheek. Then his arms were around her waist again and his lips on her just like in the parking lot at Java the Hut. What is it with parking lots? she wondered as she felt his tongue exploring her mouth.
He wanted her. He remembered the evening at Assateague when he'd picked her up and balanced her against the post of the boardwalk and slid himself into her, her shorts cast aside into the sea grass. Wild horses looked on, grazing on the marsh in the distance with the sun setting over the bay like a bronze goddess embracing the earth. I knew I loved her then, he thought. Why did I think that was going to just go away?
I should stop him, she thought. I shouldn't let him do this. But he just admitted he loves me. Her mind was spinning like a tornado with all the possibilities, the horizons that could be explored. What if he just told Maggie the way he felt about me? What if he told her he wanted an open relationship? What if he really could have his cake and eat it too? What if...what if I could have him again?
Her heart was nearly exploding with the prospects, and that wasn’t even taking into account what the rest of her body was doing in response to his touch. She remembered the hope that had rained down on her in the mountains almost exactly a year before. Could this be the blossoming of that seed? The fruition of that prophecy?
His hands found their way under her shirt and teased her nipple out the top of her bra. He squeezed it between his fingers as he gently nibbled her lips. She felt his erection straining against her bare thigh, two thin layers of fabric blocking their union. Oh god, she thought, is he going to fuck me? Is the theater still unlocked? She thought about her first time with Garrett on the loveseat in the dressing room. We could go there. I’d love to make a better memory there. James’s hands were tangled in her hair, his lips grazing her neck; he was devouring her like a man stranded on a deserted island who hadn't eaten in weeks.
"James," she panted at the moment his hand began to wander up the inside seam of her shorts, drawn to the heat radiating from between her thighs. "I really think you need to talk to Maggie about this."
He immediately pulled back, his hands dropping to his side. "I can't," he said. "She won't understand. She won't be able to handle it."
"You need to tell her how you feel," she urged him. "Give her some credit. I know the concept is foreign to most...it was to you...but it makes perfect sense now, right?"
He nodded. She reached down to squeeze his hand, feeling his warm, broad fingers as they pressed into her palm. "Give her a chance to understand." Her eyes had adjusted to the lighting and she could see expression now. He looks unsteady, confused, she noted.
With his erection fading, the blood flow to his brain had returned to normal. She's right, he admitted to himself. She's always right. "Okay," he conceded. "I will."
***
James ended up with the sheets twisted around his body several times after his fitful night of sleep. At noon, he vaguely heard the back door shut and footsteps down the hall. Maggie's home, he thought just seconds before she burst into the room, shovin
g his bedroom door open so that it banged loudly against the wall. She threw her keys to the floor and stood glaring.
He groggily attempted to unwind himself from the yards of fabric in which he was tangled. Finally free, his eyes fully opened and were met with sharp daggers being hurled from hers. "How was work?" he asked innocently.
"Did you come home last night?" she asked him, but it was more of an accusation than a question.
He bolted upright, the sheets gathered around his waist and covering his nudity, including a morning erection that had immediately withered under the influence of her scornful tone. "Of course I did," he fired back, the defensiveness rising in his voice involuntarily.
"Really?" she continued. "Because I called the neighbor and asked him if your truck was in the driveway this morning and he said no."
"Oh," he said, the memories of the previous night's events flooding back into his mind. "I came home after the play and tried to sleep, but I couldn't so I took a drive. I ended up grabbing some breakfast and running some errands and then I came back and got in bed."
Maggie spat out another implied accusation: "I saw the way you looked at her.”
James stalled by throwing back the covers and sliding his feet to the floor, pulling himself upright. He dug in a pile of clothes near his bed for boxers and swiftly stepped into them. He brushed past Maggie and headed into the bathroom to relieve himself. I know we need to talk about this, he thought, remembering his promise to Sarah the night before, but for fuck's sake, let me wake up first.
She followed him into the bathroom, words still spewing from her mouth. It was as if she had packed all the words in so tightly over the past few hours she had no choice now but to let them explode all over him. "Did you see her last night after I left?"
He hesitated for a moment, considering his strategy before relenting in a slow nod. He flushed the toilet and washed his hands. She had already stomped off into the kitchen where she was violently unloading dishes from the dishwasher, clanging them together as she threw them into cabinets. She was still wearing her scrubs and her white nurse shoes, as if she was planning to bolt out of the house at any moment. James breathed for a moment, aware that she could feel his eyes on her back.
The Mountains Trilogy (Boxed Set) Page 63