"So, I can stay home from school today, right?" Owen asked as he backed toward the door. It was like he was hoping to snag an affirmative answer and flee the scene before his mother could change her mind.
"Oh, I see how it is. Trying to sweet-talk me into skipping school with bacon, is that it?" she laughed.
"I just want to celebrate my mother's fortieth birthday with her, is that wrong?" His dark eyes were dancing. "And come on, it's Friday!"
"Fine, fine. We're going to the doctor in a little bit, but then we can swing back here and pick you up for lunch."
James suddenly sat up. "We have plans after the doctor visit," he announced with a sleepy wink. "Owen, I was going to pick you up at school, but now you’ll have to come with us to the doctor. Otherwise it's a lot of backtracking."
"What? Where are we going?" Sarah asked, eyebrows raised.
"Just eat your bacon and let me take care of stuff!" James smirked. He winked at Owen, more alertly this time, and then turned back to Sarah. "Are you feeling okay today?"
"I'm a little crampy," Sarah admitted. "But otherwise okay." Her period had not yet started, and she knew it was possible that the IVF had worked. She’d taken a home pregnancy test and they’d run one at the lab as well. They were both positive, but her hCG numbers were low. She refused to get excited about it or say the word "pregnant" until... Well, she hadn't decided until what yet, but she wasn't ready. Dr. Kapoor wanted to have a look to determine exactly what was going on. She suspected he thought the low numbers were due to a miscarriage in process.
She began feeling light-headed and dizzy on the walk from the car into Dr. Kapoor's office. She fell a little behind James and Owen, but didn't mention it to them. I'm probably dehydrated, she theorized. She
was supposed to drink a huge bottle of water before her ultrasound, but she generally ignored those orders because her bladder always seemed to fill up quite nicely without any extra fluid consumption. Sure enough, she felt the tingling in her lower abdomen as soon as she took her seat in the waiting room, but she knew she'd have to hold off on getting relief.
She began to brace herself for what the ultrasound would reveal. Preparing herself for a negative result just seemed easier. She had convinced herself since the miscarriage that she didn't want to start over again with motherhood. Forty is too old to start over, she had decided. If this round failed, she was going to tell James she didn't want to go through the retrieval process again. He was going to be heartbroken, but they'd already been at this over six months, and she wasn’t getting any younger.
The ultrasound technician asked if Owen wanted to accompany them back to the exam room. James and Sarah looked at each other and then at Owen, who shrugged. "Well, we don't really know what kind of news to expect today," Sarah explained.
Owen straightened his back, making himself two full inches taller. He was just about his mother’s height of five feet, five inches, much to her dismay. "Mom, I can handle it, no matter what it is," he promised.
"Yeah, let him come, Sarah. Maybe he'll want to be a doctor someday? Could be a good experience for him," James suggested.
The party followed Janet the ultrasound tech back to the familiar station where Sarah was ushered into the adjoining bathroom to put on a gown.
"So what would happen if you did an ultrasound on me?" Owen questioned Janet.
"We'd be able to see your insides?" she laughed. "What did you think would happen?"
Sarah made herself comfortable on the exam table with the sheet draped over her thighs like she had a million times. Janet arranged the sheet and her gown so as only to expose her lower abdomen and then squirted the cold ultrasound gel in a puddle just below her navel. She brought the transducer to her skin and gently began to roll it around. Sarah's organs came into view on the screen. Owen was fascinated, leaning forward in his chair so that it was just about to tip over. "What's that?"
Janet began to narrate the view on the screen for Owen’s benefit. "Those are your mom's ovaries, and this is her uterus," she said, stopping the transducer in
that spot.
"Eww," Owen said.
"What do you mean, 'ewww?'" James chuckled. "That was your home for nine months!"
Sarah was quiet and unamused by their playful banter. The darkened room was spinning around a focal point on the ceiling. She closed her eyes, feeling nauseated by the vertigo that seemed to have snatched ahold of her.
"I think I see a sac," Janet said, studying a dark spot, "but it's toward the back and you have a slightly tilted uterus. I might have to use the transvaginal to get a better look."
"Okay," was all Sarah could say, not mustering any emotion.
"Did you know it's my mom's birthday today?" Owen piped up.
Janet scanned her chart. "Why it is! The big 4-0, that's great, Sarah. Happy birthday! Now go empty your bladder and let's try the transvaginal.”
Sarah did as instructed but seemed to be in a daze. She overheard Janet asking James if she was okay. James mumbled something in response that wasn't quite intelligible. I can't believe they're talking about me behind my back, she thought. And I don't know why I'm in such a foul humor, but I am just not feeling this.
"I'm fine," she informed her concerned audience as she exited the bathroom. "Just fine." She unceremoniously resumed her position on the table.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. McAllister --"
"Doctor," Owen corrected her.
"Doctor, right. I'm sorry, Dr. McAllister, you just don't seem like your usual self today. I'm concerned, that's all."
"It's fine," Sarah replied, forcing a smile. "You may start the exam when you're ready." She felt the cold lube on the transducer touch the lips of her sex and watched as the image on the screen transformed again. White, gray, moving hills and valleys appeared, an alien-looking landscape. And then: a round black expanse.
Janet changed the angle slightly, and then a small white ellipse with a flickering center appeared in the dark abyss.
"Is that what I think it is?" Owen asked, his eyes huge, round, and glued to the screen.
"Sure is!" Janet smiled. She measured the ellipse from top to bottom. "I wasn't sure we would be able to see a heartbeat today, but there it is. You're measuring five weeks, four days, which is just perfect. Gives you a due date of right before Thanksgiving.”
"Amazing," James said, half in a whisper and half in his voice.
Sarah was silent.
"I'm going to make sure there’s not a twin!" Janet announced and began to move the transducer again. After a few moments she said, "Looks like just one." Sarah thought Janet had caught herself before adding the words "this time,” realizing just before the words slipped off her tongue that it would be an insensitive thing to say considering the loss of their twins. But Sarah had already added those words in her mind. She couldn't help it.
Walking out of the doctor's office, Sarah thought she should feel all sorts of things: elation, trepidation, anticipation. But in all honesty, she felt one singular thing and that was numb. She pushed the entire experience out of her mind temporarily. "So where are we going?" she asked James as they reached the car.
He stopped in his tracks, the smile that had been plastered on his face since the ultrasound suddenly vanishing. He motioned for Owen to get in the car. "What is your problem, Sarah? Just tell me what it is because I want to know if the rest of this day is going to be ruined."
"It's my birthday. It should be however I want it to be," Sarah snapped back, knowing it was a selfish sentiment but not finding herself able to care.
"For fuck's sake, Sarah, I've gone to a lot of trouble to make some pretty special birthday arrangements for you -- and you're being an ungrateful bitch!"
She began to burst into tears as soon as the "B Word" came out of his mouth. James's expression softened as he began to feel guilty for yelling at his wife, who was obviously overwhelmed with the simultaneous and competing emotions of turning forty and just learning of her pregnancy. He pulled her into his em
brace and felt her go limp in his arms.
"I didn't ask you for anything special," Sarah whimpered, her face buried in the crook between his neck and shoulder.
"I know, but you deserve it.” He planted a soft kiss on her forehead. “You deserve so much! You have so many people who love you and want to celebrate with you. Will you please just get in the car and let me do my thing?" He kissed her on the cheek and then backed away, leaving her standing in the parking lot with tear-stained cheeks.
She hesitated, thinking she might protest, but instead she shook her head and kept her feet firmly planted on the pavement. He's trying to make up for his infidelity, she realized. He rarely ever planned anything for the two of them, being more of a spontaneous person. The fact that he’s planned something means he’s been ruminating about his guilt and wants to alleviate it.
He solemnly swore that he and Vanessa hadn’t done anything but have lunch together. She still questioned his honesty and had nearly called the woman to hear her version of events, but she was convinced they’d coordinated their stories. She thought back to that day that she had boldly texted Vanessa, the day of the embryo transfer. She had never responded, and then Sarah felt too ashamed of her actions to tell James what she had done. Maybe I copied down the wrong number, she theorized.
When he returned from that particular work trip, he had promised to put Vanessa aside - as well as any other prospects - until they finished therapy. He deleted his profile on the dating site as well. But it's easy enough to make a new one, she thought. A few keystrokes and he could be back in business, and he could do a lot more to obscure his identity too. If he wanted to do it completely on the down low, she had no doubt he would succeed.
Why did she feel so threatened by him wanting to be with another woman? She had read all the studies, the books, so much anthropological and biological research about men’s propensity for infidelity, even when they were happy and in love with their partners. Research showed that males who strayed were rewarded, evolutionarily speaking. How could she mitigate millions of years of evolution? How could she circumvent a natural and biological urge?
James finally rolled down the window, looking exasperated. “Are you getting in?”
Sarah moved like a zombie to the passenger side of the car and slipped inside, barely getting her legs all the way in before she swung the door shut. She wasn’t paying attention to where he was driving. No matter what she thought about at any given moment, it seemed to be off topic. I should be thinking about this pregnancy, she realized, hesitating to use the word “baby.” That morning she wasn’t ready to use the word “pregnant.” She couldn’t deny her state any longer, so now she hesitated to use the word “baby.” Because nothing was guaranteed.
Owen was clearly not in on James’s surprise. His eyes were glued to the passing scenery as he tried to discern their destination. “Are we going to the airport?” he asked.
James looked into the backseat with a glare. He didn’t need to use any words. But Sarah was still in her own little world.
It eventually became evident that their car was not going to the airport. “Oh, we’re going to Timbuktu!” Owen finally cheered when the actual destination sunk in. It was one of his favorite restaurants, and was, in fact, only minutes from the airport.
Sarah looked at James as if it was a strange choice, but she shrugged and got out of the car. She followed her husband and Owen into the restaurant, wishing she could shake the apathy that had settled over her like a shroud of storm clouds.
Then she spotted her sun and solar system all aligned at a large table in the back. Her heart started to pound as she realized that James had assembled all of her favorite people around that table. She had not been able to enjoy the company of her family and friends over the holidays due to her devastating grief, and now, here were their smiling faces and open arms, ready to embrace her and usher her into her forties with all the grace and love they could bestow upon her.
She looked from face to face, from her mother, to Rachel, to her brother Adam and her daughter. Abigail. Once she, James, and Owen joined the table, she felt like all the missing pieces of her heart had been glued back together. For that one brief instant, she forgot about the babies she had lost and rejoiced in the present, in the abundance and wealth that had been afforded to her.
“Oh, we’re missing Dale, Jack, Brandon and Mia,” she noted, naming off everyone’s significant others.
“They’re missing you too,” Kathy spoke up. “Dale sends his best, and I know Jack and Brandon do as well.”
“Mia couldn’t miss any school,” Abby explained.
“Oh my god, you’re missing school to be here, aren’t you?!” Sarah laughed, finally sinking in that it was several weeks past Spring Break.
“I’ll be okay, Mom. I planned ahead, don’t worry!” Abby patted her mother’s arm. “I really needed some family time. I missed you guys so much!” She looked over to Adam who winked. He had been the one, along with James, who had conspired to make this reunion possible.
“I don’t know what to say except that I’m overwhelmed with emotion today.” She looked around the table again at her loved ones. “James and I just found out we’re expecting again!”
The sound of tentative cheers went up from around the circle. “That’s awesome!” Adam bellowed.
“I knew it!” Kathy winked.
“Yay!” Abby exclaimed.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen this time around,” Sarah continued. “I know I’ve had a rough time dealing with the outcome of our last try, and I want to apologize to everyone for not being myself. I especially want to apologize to James for putting up with me moping around the house all the time. I’m finally starting to feel a little more like myself – even though I have a ways to go. I know I need to be positive to give this pregnancy the best shot at success. But I know that no matter what happens, you will all be there for me, and I cannot tell you how much that means to me.
“When I was younger, I used to think forty meant you were old and you’d have your life figured out and settled. But the older I get, the more I realize you never feel like things are figured out and settled. Life is a constant state of flux and you have to adapt. If you don’t adapt, you just grow bitter and resentful.
“I’ve had to adapt to some pretty big changes in my life through the years, whether it was my dad leaving when I was little, becoming a mother at such a young age, going through my divorce, or riding the roller coaster that James and I were on when we first started out. I am embarking on another huge change now, one of becoming a mother all over again. I know I will adapt to that too, even though it seems so foreign and strange to me right now.
“Thank you to everyone for riding out these changes with me. And I know I’ve done the same for each of you when you’ve faced your own upheavals and strife. That’s what family is, you know; it’s the people who ride the roller coaster with you. Family is the constant in your world when everything else is in flux. You have all been constants, and I hope I can always be that for you as well. I love you all!”
***
It wasn’t until the next morning that Abby had a chance to speak to her mother alone. James had gone off to work, and Owen had stayed overnight with Tom at Rachel and Jack’s house. Adam was still asleep in the guest room. Abby blearily rubbed her eyes as she waited for the coffee to finish brewing.
Sarah finished loading the dishwasher with the plates from birthday cake the night before. Don’t do the dishes on your birthday! they had all admonished her. But I didn’t see anyone offering to do them for me. I guess it’s okay for me to do them as long as it’s the day after my birthday. Her internal dialogue was so loud and snarky, she barely noticed Abby stumbling into the kitchen.
“Hey, Mom,” she said, taking a seat at the oak table, mug in front of her on the plaid placemat, eagerly waiting to be filled.
“Since when do you drink coffee?” Sarah laughed, already knowing the answer.
Abby executed one of her classic eye rolls, for old time’s sake. “Kinda goes with the college student territory,” she smiled.
“So what happened?” Sarah asked. “I didn’t get a chance to talk to you last night, but you said something about how you really needed your family right now.”
Abby looked down at the white porcelain mug. It said “Mrs.” in bold black letters on one side, but they were crossed out. Written over “Mrs.” in fuchsia script, was the title “Dr.” Abby had gotten the mug for Sarah at Christmas right after she and James were married. She wondered if someday she would be eligible for a mug that said “Dr.” or even “Mrs.” for that matter. The jury was out.
“I talked to my dad about Mia,” Abby revealed.
“I take it that didn’t go so well?”
Abby slowly shook her head. She noticed the coffee had stopped dripping into the carafe, so she carried her mug to the counter, filling it up and getting another from the cabinet for her mother.
“Oh, I can’t drink coffee,” Sarah reminded Abby, her tone of disappointment evident.
“That’s right. Oh, so you made this just for me! Thank you!”
“And Adam, but yes,” Sarah replied. “So what did your dad say?”
“Oh, the usual. The ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’ bullshit. I walked out. Haven’t heard from him since.”
Sarah hated her children being hurt, physically or emotionally. A few years ago when Abby had wanted so badly to contact her father and Sarah resisted, this was why. I had a feeling she would end up getting hurt, Sarah remembered. I didn’t think it would be like this. I didn’t think he’d ever want a relationship with her. But somehow this is worse: building a relationship with her only to reject her when she reveals who she genuinely is.
“I’ll be okay, but I really feel bad for my sisters,” Abby said. “I was getting close with them, and now they have to deal with that awful girlfriend of their dad’s and I’m not going to be there. And they’ll probably think I abandoned them.”
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