by Lena Prodan
The drink wouldn't go down my throat. The muscles of my neck were tight. I tried to swallow the water in my mouth, but I couldn't. I put my cloth napkin up to my mouth and spat it all out, and then tried to take a breath.
It was like that time I almost drowned—tried to drown—only that time, instead of refusing to let me breathe in water, my throat wouldn't let me have air.
I coughed harder, covering my heated face with the napkin. In cotillion, they never discussed the polite way to suffocate. My lips burned. I tried not to let Eric's parents hear me fighting for breath. I thought maybe I could stagger to the bathroom.
Eric popped a shrimp in his mouth and grinned at me, but his smile slid away and he got a weird look on his face.
I shook my head, begging him not to rat me out.
"Fuck!"
"Eric!” His mom was shocked.
He was out of his chair, reaching for me. “She's choking!"
I expected it to hurt as I fell forward into the table, but before my face hit the edge, the universe jolted to a stop.
I'll never know if it was real or not, but I could have sworn Pop paced outside the doorway of a white room, scowling and mumbling.
I tried to beg the nurse not to invite him past the threshold, but something hard was in my throat and I couldn't talk.
She nodded and said, “Come on in."
"You just had to make a scene in front of all those officers,” he said through clenched teeth. “Idiot."
[Back to Table of Contents]
Chapter 17
Friday night following the shrimp incident, Sean, Eric and I tried to escape from the foyer of Eric's duplex, but his mom wouldn't stop fussing over me.
"Are you sure you're okay to go?” she asked.
Talking hurt like a son of a bitch, so I nodded. Mom and Pop didn't say anything when I left the house. Why did Eric's Mom have to make a fuss?
"We need to get going,” Sean said. He reached for the door.
"I can't believe I made you eat that shrimp!” she blurted.
I winced. If I'd known I'd go into anaphylactic shock from eating it, I wouldn't have put it in my mouth.
She looked so sad, so guilty, as she twisted her fingers. “First the Christmas tree, and now this. How can you forgive me? Your lips were blue! I thought you were dead. Good thing that nurse was having dinner at the club.” Then she ambushed me, dragging me close into her arms. It wasn't one of those stiff body, pat-pat, let-me-go-NOW hugs my parents gave me, but a real mom hug, all encompassing, rocking, with soothing circles across my back.
I glared at Eric.
"Mom, you're making us late!"
She reluctantly released me.
Sean yanked open the door. I bolted after him.
When we got to Amanda's apartment building, Eric leaned over the steering wheel and squinted at the burly men standing by a motorcycle outside. “Are you sure?"
"Don't stare at them! They'll come over."
"I'm not looking. Get her quick."
The drug dealer in the Charlie Daniels Band t-shirt paused with his beer halfway to his mouth when I got out of Eric's car, only his eyes moving to track me. The skin on my back tightened, as if protecting against their silent stares when I passed across the dead strip of lawn.
Amanda flashed a smile when she opened the door. “Hi! Just a second.” She disappeared into the bedroom.
The couch creaked when I leaned against it, so I sat on the end of the pullout bed and watched TV. Amanda went into the bathroom. I smoothed the rumpled sheet and tried to figure out which side of the mattress was Amanda's. Both pillows smelled like cigarette smoke.
"Okay. Let's go."
She'd put on makeup. Too bad. It made her look like all the other grit girls—a smear of green on her eyelids, wet pink oozing over her lips, eyelashes stiff. For some reason, she'd put on a short skirt with rows of ruffles, pink leg warmers, and a pair of short white boots. She was going to freeze her ass off.
When I held the car door open for Amanda, Eric snapped, “What took so long?” He had sisters. He should have known what girls were like.
At the theater, the guys bought their own movie tickets, but when I got up to the window, I held up two fingers. The night was going to kill my stash of lawn mowing earnings, but Amanda's quiet thank you made it worth it.
Inside the lobby, Amanda leaned against a pinball machine while Sean played. With the last of my money, I got a huge tub of popcorn and a drink big enough for us to share. Then I bought some red licorice, just in case.
* * * *
Seating inside the theater was like one of those logic puzzles from an IQ test.
1) There were four seats in a row at a movie theater.
2) I wanted to sit in the back alone with Amanda.
3) Eric wanted to sit next to Sean, probably also alone in the back row, in the dark.
4) Sean wanted someone to sit between him and Eric.
5) Amanda pretended not to care, but she tilted her head and tried to catch Sean's eye with flirty glances.
How should they be seated so that each gets their heart's desire?
Logic puzzles were in the same category as math to me, so I made a command decision and took the fourth seat from the aisle, leaving them to work the rest of it out. Sean sat between Eric and Amanda, but leaned toward Amanda through the movie.
* * * *
When the movie was over, Amanda and Sean walked out of the theater together. They repeated dialog from every scene. I was surprised how much of the movie they remembered. My mind left the theater and went somewhere else during that hour, to dreams of when we wouldn't need the boys, of sitting close in a dark theater, my arm brushing against hers, maybe holding her hand.
I cringed as Amanda and Sean tried to talk over each other, drawing disapproving glares from adults in the parking lot. I thought the movie was okay, but I was used to porn flicks at the drive-in, so nothing about it shocked me enough to seem funny. Eric seemed to feel the same way. He stalked beside me, silent.
"Red vine?” I offered him one from the pack.
He ripped the licorice with his front teeth and glared at Amanda.
Amanda clutched Sean's arm.
I glanced around. We were far enough away from everyone that we could talk in private, and Sean and Amanda weren't paying attention to us anyway, but I still lowered my voice. “Sean's into you. I swear. He kissed you, remember. But I want some time to figure out if Amanda likes me the way I like her."
"Looks like she's into boys."
It felt as if raw streaks ran down the inside of my throat, as if it were ripping apart every time I spoke. Still, I waved his thoughts away, dismissing them. “Everyone wants to fuck Sean. That doesn't count. Look at her. I mean, ignore the makeup and clothes. She's—you know—like me."
"Hmmm."
Amanda blew on her cupped hands and shivered. “Hey, it's freezing out here! Hurry up and unlock the door."
Eric gave me an unreadable look, his eyes weary, before jogging over to his dad's car.
[Back to Table of Contents]
Chapter 18
For weeks, I begged Amanda to come along on our church group's next hiking trip.
"I'll borrow gear for you. I have a lot of stuff that I don't use anymore."
"It isn't that."
"You'll have fun,” I told her. “It's great."
She finally said, “Okay, okay. I'll go. Now quit talking about it."
* * * *
Early Saturday morning, as we waited in the gravel parking lot at the trailhead, I rocked up on my toes and bounced. Even my car sickness couldn't kill my mood.
The herbal scent of the woods made me want to plunge ahead, but everyone else moved in slow motion. They perched on their packs or leaned against the cars while the chaplain and his wife finished their coffee.
"This part is boring,” I warned Amanda, “but once we get started, you'll see how great it is."
"Oh, sure. What's the great part? The dirt,
or the bugs?” She tugged at the shoulder straps of the backpack. Most of the heavy stuff was in my pack, but she couldn't seem to get used to the weight.
"You won't have to cook. You don't even have to set up a tent. All you have to do is walk.” I stepped closer to adjust the straps for her.
On the ride to the trail, we'd been squished together in the back seat of the car. Where her legs had pressed against mine was strangely cool. I brushed my hand over it several times, trying to calm my hyper-aware nerve endings.
She squinted at the stand of saplings at the edge of the parking lot. “How far?"
"Eight miles, but not all at once. We can rest when you get tired.” I ran my hand under the shoulder strap, smoothing a twist. “Is that better?"
Her boney shoulders hunched. “I guess."
Sean dusted off the seat of his jeans and bent down for his pack. Amanda held her breath as he put his arms through the straps, exposing his belly button and a dark trail of hair that disappeared into his jeans.
The chaplain dropped his paper cup into the metal drum by the park map. “Okay, everyone, let's go."
People groaned and took their time getting to their feet. Impatient, I set out on the shady dirt path. Crusty patches of snow remained under the pines.
Most of the trails we'd taken before were long, but easy. Ohio didn't have any real mountains, but the terrain close to the border with West Virginia was pretty rugged. We only had a few months left to get into shape for our big trip and each time we went out, we had to meet a bigger challenge.
My plan was to let the others move ahead of us so that Amanda and I could be alone on the trail. Amanda didn't get it. She walked with Sean for a while, and then with the other girls. Out of pity, or maybe because Sean wouldn't stay with him, Eric trudged along with me.
A couple hours in, we paused as a group before a steep vertical climb. It was probably only thirty feet before the trail leveled off again, but the earth was scraped raw, exposing roots and boulders. Climbing it was rough, sweaty work even in the cool spring air. When I got to the top, every breath was sharp.
Amanda was one of the last to make the climb. I peeled off my pack and went to offer her my hand for the last couple feet. She glared at me and let the chaplain yank her up.
Maybe a hard trial wasn't the best way to introduce her to hiking, but I knew once she got to camp and had a chance to take in the beauty of the woods, she'd be happy that she came along.
After that last climb, the trail leveled off. We passed through a high meadow where the snow melt ran clear in wide streams over new grass. The air smelled sweet, like hay.
Past the meadow, we were back into the woods again. One at a time, we crossed over a small waterfall. A fallen tree was the bridge. It was wide, but the bark was slippery and the log curved, so we had to be careful. Each of us walked slowly and used our arms to balance like tightrope walkers. Amanda's face went white when she looked down, and for a moment I thought she'd turn back. I held my breath and willed her across. She finally made it over, but half an hour later she still looked shaken.
* * * *
Our campsite was a large clearing with a fire pit. As we came off the trail, the chaplain's wife assigned our duties. Sean and I exchanged gleeful grins as last two stragglers wandered into camp and got stuck on KP.
Amanda had an excuse, since she'd never gone camping before, but the other girls acted every time as if pitching the tent were simply beyond them. I put it up myself while they gossiped.
"If you're not doing anything, go gather kindling for the fire,” the chaplain told them.
Suddenly, everyone knew how to thread the tent poles through the canvas loops.
There wasn't much else for me to do after that. Since there was no water at the campsite, the boys had to hike back to the waterfall and fill pots. Someone else got the fire going.
"So, what? We just sit around?” Amanda asked.
"Yeah. Just rest. They'll start cooking dinner soon."
"I'm starved."
"Food tastes so much better cooked over a campfire.” I found a long stick and poked at the fire.
Amanda made a face. “If you like the flavor of smoke."
"I love it! Weeks after we get home, I can still smell it on my jacket."
"Great."
I grinned out at the forest around us. “Isn't it?"
"I'm missing Dallas."
How could she even think of TV? “You can watch the rerun."
Amanda set her plate of chili mac on the ground by her feet. “But next week, I won't know what's going on. I hate missing episodes."
One of the other girls nodded. “I made Mom swear to tape it for me."
"We don't have a VCR,” Amanda told her.
"You have to get one. I tape General Hospital every day and watch it as soon as I get home from school."
"All My Children is better,” another girl said.
They debated the various daytime shows. Once upon a time, I'd been hooked on Dark Shadows, but Mom caught me watching it and from then on I wasn't allowed to turn on the TV during the day. Normally, I didn't care, but it pissed me off that I couldn't join in the conversation with Amanda.
Eric left Sean and came to sit beside me. “How's it going?"
I whispered, “I think she's getting to like this."
Eric watched Amanda for a bit. “Hmmm."
Amanda turned away from her conversation and leaned toward me. She cast a furtive glance around the campfire. “I've been holding it all day. Where can I go?"
"Follow me.” I picked up a flashlight and lead her to a narrow trail. Away from the fire, it was cold. We zipped our jackets. Amanda hugged her arms tight around her body. “If you're cold, put on another layer."
"I'm already wearing everything I packed except my nightgown."
"Nightgown? You won't need that here. We sleep in our clothes."
"I don't like that."
"You're going to freeze in regular pjs,” I warned her. “We can switch sleeping bags. My new one is much warmer. Okay?"
In the dark, even easy trails seemed treacherous, so we took our time on the short walk. I didn't mind. It was time alone with her.
Amanda stumbled. “How far is it?"
"Not much more."
"This is stupid. Why is it so far from the camp?"
That seemed self-explanatory, but I let her discover the answer for herself.
"Oh, what's that smell ... You're kidding!"
I shone a light on the latrine door.
"No way."
I grinned. “We're lucky. Some hikes, we don't even have this."
"So, what? You don't go the entire time you're in the woods?"
"You take a little shovel, go behind a tree, dig a hole..."
"That's disgusting."
"You've been squatting to pee all day."
She snatched the flashlight from my hand. “Totally disgusting.” The latrine door slammed shut. Beams of light shone out the screened gaps near the roof, and I was in the dark.
* * * *
When we turned in for the night, Amanda couldn't get comfortable. “Things are poking me."
I had hoped we could have our own two-person tent, but we were stuck sleeping with the rest of the girls. They grumbled as I pulled the foam pad from under my sleeping bag and gave it to Amanda. “Here, you can have mine too."
She put it under her sleeping bag and lay back down.
"How's that?” I asked.
She grumbled and wriggled. “There's a reason why beds were invented."
"There's nothing better than being out in the woods. Did you notice all the stars?"
"I could have seen it at home."
"Not if you were watching TV. I love it here.” I sat cross-legged on top of my sleeping bag. “Can't you feel it?” My mind raced around, trying to fit words to the feelings welling up and spilling out of me. “There's so much more here."
Amanda gasped and flicked a tiny moth off her forearm. “Oh yeah, so much
more.” She turned her back to me and yanked the sleeping bag up to her ears.
I had a vision of the perfect future for us. After I went to law school and helped her get the money her father owed her, we'd buy a couple acres somewhere in the mountains. We'd build a cabin and live off the land. Yeah, that sounded good. I wasn't up to hunting, but I could fish. We'd farm just enough to feed ourselves. Before the industrial age, everyone lived like that. If they could, we could too. I could figure it out. I'd find books to show me how. I'd do all the work. She wouldn't have to do anything.
Maybe we'd talk Eric and Sean into living with us. Away from the rest of the world, we could live the way we wanted to, our own little family. I could love Amanda and Eric, and fuck Sean when Eric didn't need him. Maybe Sean wouldn't mind that I didn't love him, at least not the way I loved the others. It'd be just sex between us, but it would be better that way. I hoped Amanda would understand the way I was about boys.
I laughed at myself. A short, quiet bark while I shook my head. I kept forgetting that craving boys was supposed to be the normal thing. I was always getting that turned around.
As everyone fell into fitful sleep, I spooned as close to Amanda as I dared, breathed in the sharp girl-sweat smell of her, and dreamed of lush mountain glens.
[Back to Table of Contents]
Chapter 19
My guidance counselor had a small office past the low wood divider that kept students separated from the school administrators. I didn't visit her often. Guidance was for planning the future, and I never expected to live past high school. It was beginning to look as if I might, so I figured I'd better drop by and see if she had any ideas.
I had to move a bunch of files to sit down. “Where would you like these?"
Even though the clutter in her office seemed disorganized, she must have had a system, because she pulled her fingers through her unkempt curls until she decided on the right stack. “They go here. So, what's up? You've chosen your school by now, right?” Her eyebrows furrowed.
"Pop got a job at University. They're giving me full tuition as part of his benefits package."
She relaxed. “That's a fine school. Have you chosen your major?"
"Pop told me I have to major in computer science."