As I stared at the sky and saw a couple of stars begin to twinkle, the moon joining in, I realised something very important:
Dante was a fake.
From books, of course, I’d heard about people in the world of kink abusing their power or their position. Together, Shay and Dante had abused one another and the discipline itself. They were messed up. Was it because of love they’d fucked with each other’s heads, or was it because they were both damaged people? Whatever it was, I felt like I’d been an innocent – at eighteen – dragged into the tail end of their vile love affair, forced under his roof in Knightsbridge as a replacement for what he used to have with her. I had been under the misapprehension that he could be changed – when he couldn’t be. I had also fallen for him very quickly but looking back, I wasn’t sure if it was love or escape. I didn’t know.
“God damn it,” I said, a curse I reserved for bad times like this.
Almost silently, I heard him sneak up behind me.
“It’s going to rain again,” he said, taking my hand, trying to coerce me back indoors.
I felt clearer… and freer… now I knew he was a fake. All the time, it had been something wrong with him – not me.
Might I finally get away?
I just needed to be absolutely clear.
I needed more information… to make sure I was giving up on six years of my life for a good reason.
Six years.
“I know it will rain,” I said, “but I’m Irish, I’ve always known it will come. I’ve learnt to live with it when I must.”
He walked around me, trying to stand in my line of vision. I turned the other way, avoiding him, my head lowered so I was staring at the floor, my arms folded so he couldn’t get close.
“I see,” he said.
I don’t think you do.
He’d used me to find nullification – but what had he given me in return?
Jury was out on that one.
I stared at the granny flat, a one-storey cottage sat so solitary with just one light casting a glow around a set of closed curtains. I wondered why Cook was so lonely, so happy to appear aloof – untouchable. What secrets did she know about this place, having spent so many years here, never making friends but watching as the world went by? Did she know the real Shay? Did she know something that could help us?
A part of me wanted to go and interrogate her, while another part of me thought she was another version of Shay – a much older one granted – but perhaps, just another woman saved from a detestable life which meant even a silent life here was better than what she’d had before in the world outside.
I didn’t know… but… Cook seemed the wrong place to look.
Maybe Teddy could tell us more.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said softly.
“All kinds of things,” I said, but the one thing I didn’t say was that my main thought still was…
Dante is a fake and I am getting the fuck out of here.
He didn’t seem to have stopped to consider how he was hurting me over the course of all these years.
He’d kept me locked out.
He’d kept me at a distance.
What was life?
What was the purpose?
If we were asked to wait forever for our own version of a perfect life to begin, would we? Or would we take the now and accept that imperfect it may be, but life in the moment trumped waiting for perfection any day of the fucking week.
I kept my cool with him because a tirade of abuse lingered on the tip of my tongue.
Eventually I simply said, “I’m shocked you’re not kinky.”
“But you aren’t either?”
I hesitated a moment.
I don’t know what I am.
“I’m twenty-five. You were twenty-one when you first came here. You were young then like I am now and I still don’t feel like I know myself completely, not yet.” Because I’ve been locked in a cage for so many years…
“I understand,” he sighed, “I do. You are young. But we both know, you don’t really go in for this stuff either, right? It’s just a bit of fun. It’s not our life. It’s just what we do to forget ourselves.”
To forget yourself you mean.
As the night flowed down over us, like the curtain falling on a theatrical performance, it was strange how it all suddenly became clear to me.
This time, I would have to get away.
I couldn’t let him know.
I had to play my part.
I had to keep him in play.
He could know nothing of my inner thoughts.
“What about Cohésion,” I whispered, in case anyone might be eavesdropping, “what about that? What did it all mean?”
“I told you when we first entered our arrangement,” he took hold of my hands and held them, but I remained looking at the floor, “it was so you could learn.”
“But why… I… let me rephrase this… how did you know about Cohésion?”
“Shay knew everyone in the kink community. I told her I needed somewhere away from Pernox to let off steam and she told me about that place. She knows the owners.”
“Of course.”
“Hey, what is this tone of yours?” He slipped a finger under my chin and raised my eyes to his. He looked so beautiful with the night sky shining in his eyes, but didn’t he see? He’d made me feel like the six years I had dedicated to him were a waste of time.
He wasn’t even who he said he was.
“If you’re not kinky, then what got you hard over the course of all these years?” I asked, outright.
“You,” he said, “and how beautiful you are. Your face alone made me hard the very first time we met.”
I gawped.
“Yes,” he said, nodding, “your dimpled back was very pretty too, but I was embarrassed and a little scared to tell you that just your beauty alone made me so hard, I had to act. You were just a teenager and so young and it felt so wrong. I was older and damaged and I felt… but I was greedy, Ciara. I was so greedy when it came to you and I know that now, I know I was wrong… and I was scared. I was scared Daltrey’s fate would also be yours.”
A tear spilled from my eye. As confused as ever, one minute I was sure he was a demon, and the next he told me something pretty – tugging on my heartstrings.
“Ciara,” he sighed, cupping my face, “before we met, I’d been sort of dead inside and that night, the first night, my body was suddenly alive again and I was hard for the first time in ages, and not just because my body needed release, but because a girl so pretty crossed my path and awakened me, not just with her looks but with her smart mouth and her eyes… something about your eyes…”
He looked deep into my eyes, caressing my eyebrows with both his thumbs.
“Let me kiss you,” he said, imploring me.
I shut my eyes and let him kiss me. At first he pressed his mouth gently to mine and slid his tongue across my bottom lip. His hands holding tight to the sides of my face, he pushed my mouth open with his tongue and slowly teased me until my tongue massaged his in exchange, our mouths sealing shut together.
Lost, I quickly forgot what I was worried about.
This was why I’d stayed for six years…
I wanted him.
I always had.
Our attraction was unmistakable. Other things in our life may have become ominous, but our desire had never been up for question. He’d just refused to let himself act on it for so long. Refused because of guilt? Shame? I wasn’t sure…
I wrapped my arms around his neck and he moved his hands so one was behind my back and the other was in my hair. Breathing heavily through his nostrils, I felt him grow hard inside his jeans, pressed up against me.
I loved him.
I hadn’t been able to stop loving him.
Someone behind us cleared their throat and we pulled apart.
“Roman’s back,” Amber said, “he’s waiting in the dining room and wants you both.”
&nb
sp; “Okay,” he said, and she walked away.
Dante pulled back and gave me a longing look. I shook my head.
I couldn’t think about having sex with him, not right now. Not even if he could make it quick.
“We should talk to him,” I said, and I went on ahead of him, making certain he knew where he stood.
On thin ice.
Fifteen
Dante
I SPENT SOME TIME OUTSIDE waiting for my erection to desist, even knowing Ciara seemed diseased by doubt. Was it because she’d just realised that in life, nothing was ever black and white? Or was it because she would likely never get over the fact that I had kept her waiting six years before telling her that actually, I’d always loved her. I’d just been scared for so long that I would never be enough for her. Even now, I still felt like a wreck of a man. She seemed a mirage some days, a dream even. Maybe I’d kept her at a distance because it seemed safer. Now the illusions were shattering, piece by piece. Would she still love me when we got to the final piece, when all that would be left was a basic human being stood before her, a man just desperate for love. A man scared. A man, who at the end of the day, was as breakable as anyone else. Would she love me even then? Even when she knew I wasn’t much different to anyone else. I felt myself maudlin on and shook off my fears, heading back indoors.
Inside, I found Ciara, Roman and a few other girls laughing as he told them what sounded like the tale of how his grandmother reacted to him coming out. Something like, “About time, too.”
“Don’t mind me,” I shouted and folded my arms, resting against the door lintel.
“Come sit with us. You hungry?” Ciara asked, suddenly bright again, and smiling.
“I am, actually.”
“Sit… I’ll be back.”
I sat opposite Roman and he nodded his head in acknowledgement.
“Okay mate?” I asked, hoping he was.
“Yeah, well, I will be.”
“We all will be,” Georgiana said, her voice sure and clear. Joining us were Tara, Amber and my former domme Jayne, who was as much a part of the furniture as… the furniture.
I heard Ciara’s footsteps behind me and smelt the food she carried. Everyone else had already eaten, going by their empty plates.
“Cook did homemade pizza… and made too much, again. She left it all out for us when she heard Roman was coming, then she scarpered,” Amber explained.
“Comfort food,” Tara said, “we’ll all need a detox tomorrow.”
She put a full pizza down in front of me, thin as a crisp almost, with a cheese and tomato topping, anchovies and rocket leaves.
“Looks great. She can really cook, yeah?” I asked everyone, as I began cutting into my dinner, slightly annoyed everyone was going to watch me eat.
“Really,” Roman agreed, “if you ever do close, let me know and I’ll pinch her.”
I cleared my throat before announcing in an authoritative bellow, “Can you leave us please ladies, we have something private to discuss.” I wanted to get this over with, as quickly as possible.
Everyone stood up to leave except Amber. When I stared hard, she responded, “I know what you do. Shay told me a couple of weeks ago. She seemed to think I suddenly needed to know.”
I shook my head. “Fucking great.”
“She may as well stay, then,” Ciara said.
Once it was just us four, I turned my eyes to Roman.
“So what’s been going on then?” I asked, wanting to get this business over with.
Roman held up his hands, already guilty. I read the truth in his eyes and he reluctantly admitted, “I had no choice–”
“You went to the police?” I barked, despite my mouth being full.
“Listen man, okay? I know about your lack of influence now. Anyway, what can that person do to me, huh? Now that I’m out of the game, now my secret’s no longer a secret, who gives a toss?”
Shaking my head, I garbled, “Go on.”
“I gave them the PO Box details. They’re looking into it. Also,” he paused, “my colleagues were asked to post money to the same box, so the new fixer, so to speak… I mean I’m only saying that because I don’t know what else to call them,” he apologised with his eyes, “but yeah, the new fixer can’t be very careful. Different men, same box. Of course people talk.”
“Did they say it was an actual box or a re-route?” I held my fist back, even though I wanted to punch him.
“They didn’t tell me either way. I just told them I’d been blackmailed and then they asked me about this place… they’d been watching me.”
I spat my food out across the table and almost kamikaze’d a bit of rocket onto Ciara’s head when I stood up in a panic. “What the fuck, mate?”
Taking a napkin to clear up my mess, I was beyond containment.
“Spill, now! Before I spill the insides of your balls. Tell me everything.”
Roman stood with his hands raised in apology. “I told them it’s a spa and I told them my sister’s friend recommended me and I was coming here because I was so stressed out, what with everything going on. I said the reflexology was beginning to work and that if it got out to my coaches and any other members of the team, not to mention the press and all that hoopla, it’d all be a big fucking headache for me because alternative therapies are something normally only administered by the team’s ordinary doctors. But then, I explained, I’d have to tell them the cause of the stress and I didn’t want to. I wanted to try keeping it to myself, but then I said, you know–”
I told him to button it with a gesture in front of my lips, my feet still pacing the floor.
“As if the police don’t suspect something about this place, Dante,” Amber said softly, “but even so, there’s nothing they can do. Half of us here are qualified as beauty therapists. We can prove it.”
I took a deep breath. “Ladies… and gent, listen to me. We’re treading a thin line as it is. As soon as the men that come here for their weekly or twice weekly constitutional find out that the police have been sniffing around, they will begin revoking their memberships immediately. The secrecy of this place, and the anonymity, is what keeps people coming back.”
A headache the size of Texas began expanding the brains inside my head and Ciara held out a drink of water, telling me, “Drink… or else. You need to calm down. It’s not the end of the world.”
“It could mean the end of this place.”
“Yeah, and so what? So what?” she exclaimed. “Big deal. They’ll find somewhere else to go. There has to be loads of places like this in London.”
“None so secret,” Amber told Ciara, an authority on the matter, “trust me.”
“What else do you know, Cornish? Or more aptly, what else have you told the police?”
“Nothing. They did ask me some other questions, but I bullshitted them.”
“They might still have you under surveillance. They’ll certainly know you’ve been back here… again.” I rubbed the back of my head, thinking it all through. “Still, I could go and speak to them… or I could fuck them all up.”
“What?” Ciara whispered.
“Take them down. I’ve done it before. I could do it again.”
“Take them down?” Roman asked, in a worried voice.
“Rip down their firewalls, make them blind. I’ve crashed the Met’s systems before. They learnt not to mess with me again.”
“Yeah, but you’re not the fixer anymore… and you don’t have your equipment.” Ciara was trying to be the voice of reason, but I felt a bit sick about what was actually happening here. I wanted the nonsense to stop.
“Baby, I’m tired of this.”
She took my shoulders and directed me away from the table where the others couldn’t hear us talking. Holding my cheeks, she whispered, “Did you take your pills today?”
“Yeah,” I gulped, “this morning.”
“Do you need more?”
“No, I’m okay. I’m not going mad. I’m just losin
g control of everything and it’s really hard.”
Why was she suddenly so concerned? She’d been so cold outside… now she was acting weird. Was it for the sake of our audience, or was it Ciara trying to lull me into thinking I was already forgiven? I knew deep down I wasn’t.
“I know. I know,” she said softly, stroking my forearm, “look at me Dante.”
I looked into her oval green eyes, lined with a billion lashes, and she smiled with a hint of worry.
“Are you okay?”
“Me? I’m fine!” she exclaimed. “I’m wonderful. Don’t worry about me.”
“Okay.” I didn’t believe her.
“Dante, let’s take your dinner upstairs where you can eat in peace. There’s nothing we can do now. He’s told the police about the PO Box so that’s an end to it. Okay? You need rest. You need to think about getting this place back up and running.”
“You’re right.”
“Okay, wait here.”
She dashed back to the table, picked up my dinner and told Roman, “Amber will see you out. Call us if you hear anything. Promise me?”
“No problem. I should be going. Thank Cook again for the dinner. It was wonderful.”
He gave me a regretful look and an apologetic smile. What a stupid kid, with a stupid amount of money to his name. He didn’t know the half of what I had to do on a daily basis.
I said nothing, though I would have happily smacked him one.
Ciara walked with me back upstairs and locked us inside our room.
Switching a lamp on at the dressing table, she situated me there so I could eat at the only station in the room vaguely resembling a dining table.
“I’ll run the bath.”
“You could run me ten baths baby, I’m still going to be tense now… and tomorrow, then the day after, and the day after that… this never ends.”
“You say that, but you’re the only one refusing to admit it could end, if you wanted it to. We could go today and that’d be an end to it all. We can start again, wherever we want to. You and me, we could go anywhere. We both know a lot of French and you know a bit of Spanish, too. We’d blend in wherever we went.”
“I don’t run from my problems. I did that in the past, it doesn’t work.”
The Fix (Nightlong Series Book 2) Page 14