by Sue Brown
Sam felt the crunch of the gravel beneath his boots. A few steps and they were back onto grass and dirt. They were approaching the cliff edge. The wind was much stronger here, and Sam struggled to keep his feet. He didn’t realise Gabriel had stopped until he ran into his back. Gabriel turned and put an arm around Sam, clamping him to his side, and Sam leaned into him, his heart thumping from nerves but also from Gabriel’s proximity.
They stood for what seemed an eternity. Sam peered out across the bay, but he couldn’t see anything but a dark void, no lights breaking the nothingness. If it hadn’t been for the harsh noise of the crashing waves, he would have thought he was in a black hole. A wet black hole. Gabriel bent and his warm breath ghosted across Sam’s cold ear.
“Let’s go.”
“Thank God,” Sam muttered.
Going back was easier. The wind and rain were at their back. Gabriel forced open the cottage door and hauled Sam inside.
The silence was almost as deafening as the noise outside. Sam took a breath, ready to rip into Gabriel, only to be halted in his tracks when Gabriel started to laugh.
Sam stared at him. “What the hell?”
Gabriel clutched on to the door frame and laughed harder. He was a sight, his dark curls plastered to his skin, his coat dripping puddles around his boots.
Sam folded his arms and waited for Gabriel to share the joke.
“At least,” Gabriel heaved, “you’ll be able to take your own clothes off this time.”
That was the joke? That was what Gabriel was having hysterics over?
“Are you sure you didn’t get dropped on your head?” Sam asked sourly.
He tried to unzip his coat, but his ice-cold fingers refused to cooperate. After watching him struggle for a few minutes, Gabriel quit laughing like a hyena and came over, pushed Sam’s useless fingers away, and unzipped the coat. Sam felt as though he were a kid being undressed by his dad. Gabriel pushed the coat off his shoulders, and Sam gratefully got rid of it, shivering as his wet hair dripped down his neck.
“I’ll hang the coats up in the utility room and get a couple of towels,” Gabriel said. “Sit down, and I’ll take your boots off.”
“I can manage,” Sam groused.
Gabriel ignored him and headed into the utility room.
Sam had managed to untie the knot of the laces on one boot when Gabriel returned and dropped a towel on his head.
“What the—?” Sam spluttered as it obscured his view.
When he could see again, the angry words died away. Gabriel knelt at his feet, worried the other knot until it loosened, and then, with a bit of tugging, he managed to pull off his boots. Sam watched him, longing to run his fingers through the rain-swept dark curls.
Gabriel sat back with a satisfied huff and smiled at Sam. “You should go and have a shower. I’ll make us hot chocolate.”
Sam shivered, and while he wanted to shout at Gabriel, the thought of being warm and dry while he did it was intensely appealing.
Gabriel stood and pulled Sam to his feet. “Off you go.” He took Sam’s towel from him and used it to roughly dry his own hair. It stood up like a mane, and Sam smiled. “That’s better,” Gabriel said. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever smile at me again.”
Sam growled and headed to his bedroom to pick up dry clothes, this time an old T-shirt of Gabriel’s and joggers borrowed from Toby. He was getting tired of wearing other people’s clothes. Then he huffed and told himself to get over it. If Gabriel hadn’t saved him, he’d be fish food at the bottom of the bay, and no one would know where he’d gone.
The shower was hot and the water plentiful. The cottage had a combi boiler so he could have as long a shower as he wanted. But he reminded himself Gabriel needed to get warm too, and he got out when the cold had finally seeped from his bones.
He redressed, roughly combed his damp hair, and went in search of hot chocolate.
Unaware of Sam’s presence in the doorway, Gabriel stood at the kitchen window, a mug wrapped in both hands. He wore a pensive look—not the sorrowful expression that he wore when he thought about Jenny and Michael, but something else. Sam wondered what he was thinking about. Rain lashed the window, and Gabriel jumped, startled from his thoughts. He turned and saw Sam in the doorway.
Sam pretended he hadn’t been watching him and sniffed appreciatively at the fragrant chocolate intermingled with the red wine sauce from dinner. “That smells good.”
Gabriel pointed to a cup topped with whipped cream and marshmallows. “It’s all yours.”
“What were you thinking about?” Sam asked before he could stop himself.
Gabriel sighed and ran his hand through his hair. It was still damp from the rain. “I was thinking that Toby might be right.”
Sam blinked. That was the last thing he expected to hear. “Toby is right about what?”
“That I need to rejoin the world again. I can’t stay here forever.”
“Are you ready to rejoin the world?” Sam kept his tone light, not wanting to spook Gabriel.
“Not yet,” Gabriel admitted, and Sam’s heart sank. “But being a hermit and spending all my days on the cliffs isn’t helping me either. I was thinking about seeing a counsellor. Toby’s been trying to get me to see one since the funerals.”
“I think….” Sam paused to pick his words carefully. “I think you need to know someone is on your side, someone outside of your family. Someone who isn’t Toby,” he added just to make it clear. He was relieved when Gabriel laughed instead of getting offended.
“That’s exactly what Toby said.” Gabriel leaned against the kitchen counter and smiled at him. “I think he just wants me to offload on someone else’s shoulders rather than him.”
“Toby would listen to you until the end of days if that’s what you needed, but he’s sensible enough to know you need something more than he can provide.”
Gabriel gave a rumbling chuckle. “At least a counsellor wouldn’t tell me to fuck off.”
Sam joined in with the laughter and then took a long swallow of his chocolate. Smooth and sugar slid down the back of his throat. “This is good.”
“Is it? Jenny was a real snob about chocolate.” Gabriel gave a wry smile. “You must get sick of me talking about ‘Jenny this’ and ‘Jenny that.’”
Sam shook his head. “I don’t mind. It makes her more real to me. She’s not some mythical being, but a person, a woman who loved you and her family.”
“She loved us, and now she’s gone.”
“But you and Toby and Damien keep her alive.”
“Maybe too much.” Gabriel shook his head and forced a smile. “I’m going to have that shower, and then I think I’ll crash for the night. I’m exhausted.”
Sam nodded, not wanting to push Gabriel when he obviously had some hard thinking to do. “I’ll clear up the coffee table and damp down the fire. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Gabriel nodded, walked past, and then stopped and turned to face Sam. “Thank you,” he murmured.
Sam looked up at him. “What for?”
“For making me realise there’s life again.”
“You’re welcome,” Sam whispered.
He closed his eyes as Gabriel brushed his lips in the gentlest of kisses. Then he was gone, soft footsteps out of the kitchen, and Sam was alone.
“You’re welcome,” Sam whispered again.
IF SAM had a nightmare, he didn’t remember it in the morning. He woke up to bright sunshine and the sound of seagulls squabbling noisily outside the window. As he scratched his armpit and decided what to do next, he watched the plane that hung overhead bob gently in a draft. A fierce rap on the door made him jump.
“Hi Sam, are you awake?” Gabriel asked.
“I am now,” Sam said dryly.
“Sorry.”
Gabriel didn’t sound sorry, but he did offer Sam a cup of tea, a bacon sandwich, and a promise of sitting on the rock before all the tourists arrived for the day.
Sam ha
d been there long enough to appreciate the quiet time before the world woke up, so he said he would be there soon.
“Okay.”
Footsteps faded away, and Sam squinted at the clock on the bedside table. 6.20 a.m. What the hell?
“Some people like sleeping,” he yelled.
“Stupid people,” Gabriel yelled back.
By the time he emerged dressed in the T-shirt and joggers from the previous night, Gabriel and breakfast had vanished, presumably to the rock. Sam’s stomach growled at the smell of bacon.
Gabriel was on the rock, his legs crossed, and for once, not looking outwards. He was talking to Toby, who from his clothing and bright-red face, had been out running.
“Morning Toby,” Sam said as he sat down next to Gabriel.
“Morning sunshine. He won’t let me eat your bacon sandwich.”
“Go home and get your own,” Gabriel growled.
Sam rolled his eyes and handed half of his sandwich to Toby, who crowed and bit into it.
Gabriel glowered at Sam. “What did you do that for? He’ll be unbearable now.”
“I’m always unbearable,” Toby said smugly. “At least someone loves me.”
“Yeah, and he’s at home.”
Toby winked at Sam and strolled away, chomping noisily on his sandwich. Sam picked up his half and ate it before Toby came back to claim it.
“There’s more bacon in the fridge,” Gabriel said.
Sam smiled at him. “Thanks.”
The bay was beautiful, all white-capped waves in an iridescent green. In the early morning sunlight, it looked almost magical. It was a world of blues and yellows, the faded green of summer all shiny after the previous night’s storm. He would miss this when he left, and he was grateful to Gabriel for sharing it with him. He leaned against Gabriel’s shoulder, pleased when Gabriel didn’t move away.
They stayed where they were until the sun was higher in the sky and the sound of kids laughing and shouting brought a tension to Gabriel’s shoulders.
“Let’s go inside,” Sam suggested.
Gabriel nodded jerkily, and they got to their feet. Sam brushed sand off Gabriel’s arse, provoking a snort from him.
“Thanks,” he said.
“You could do the same for me,” Sam suggested and stuck out his arse just as two young kids ran towards them. “Hold that thought,” he said.
Gabriel quirked a smile and flexed his hand as though he were doing just that. “I’ll do that.”
Sam gathered up the mugs and strolled towards the cottage with a smile, dodging another family with an old-fashioned pram with the tiniest baby Sam had ever seen. He couldn’t imagine taking care of anything or anyone that small. “What was Michael like as a baby?”
“Loud,” Gabriel said, and he sounded more amused than sad. “He spent the first four months of his life crying. Jenny started to think she was doing something wrong.”
“What changed?” Sam asked.
“Solid food. Jenny’s mum said he was hungry. Everyone told us it was too early, that babies shouldn’t have solid food until they were six months old, including Toby. But Jenny’s mum insisted Michael was hungry and fed him baby rice. It’s like wallpaper paste. He gobbled it up. We saw the first smile on his face that wasn’t wind. The problem we had then was preventing Jenny’s mum from overfeeding him.”
“So she was right? He was just hungry?”
Gabriel gave a wistful smile. “It seems so. He was always happy with a spoon in his hand and dinner in his hair.”
It was at times like this that Sam felt very alienated from Gabriel. He couldn’t remember whether he’d ever wanted kids or not, but somehow he didn’t think so. He was young and maybe he would change his mind. He looked over his shoulder at the young couple walking close together pushing the pram. They were a family.
He looked at Gabriel. How did he live, watching the happy families day after day? The force of what Gabriel had lost hit Sam like a blow to the gut.
A hand landed on Sam’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Sam. Breathe.” Gabriel’s voice was gruff.
Sam looked at him with wide eyes, not even trying to hide his freak-out. “How can you cope?”
Gabriel shrugged. “The alternative is walking off the cliff.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” Sam snapped.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I—I don’t know.” Sam stormed ahead, ashamed of his anger at Gabriel when it was Gabriel who’d suffered the horrible loss.
Gabriel stopped him as they reached the cottage. “Stop. Why are you so upset?”
Sam glared at him. Then he deflated like a pricked balloon. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”
He blew on strands of hair covering his face, and Gabriel pushed them back and tucked them behind his ear.
“I hated seeing families for months. It tore me up inside. But life goes on, Sam. They didn’t know my pain, and what could I do? My family is gone. That’s not their problem.”
Sam licked his dry lips. The salt air had left them chapped and cracking. “You’re so brave.”
“No, I’m not. Just putting one foot in front of the other day after day.”
Sam ached at the dark pain in Gabriel’s eyes. He longed to take it away, to enfold Gabriel in his arms and hold him until the pain subsided. “I wish I could help.”
“You are a revelation,” Gabriel murmured.
“I am?”
Gabriel nodded, and a shy smile lit up his face. Sam was entranced.
“I didn’t want you to stay, but Toby insisted, and I thought, it’s just for one night. And you made my house a home again. It’s been so empty since Jenny….”
“I know.” Sam filled in the sad silence.
“I know it’s been just a few days, but I feel alive again in a way I haven’t for months.”
“I was so scared when I woke up and I didn’t know who I was or where I was. I’m still scared, but you’re here.” Sam felt as though they were in a cocoon. He could hear the laughter and shouts of people around them, overlaid by the shrillness of a crying baby. But none of that was important. There was just him and Gabriel, sunlight dappled through the trees, baring their souls to each other. “Gabriel.”
He reached up to cup Gabriel’s jaw.
“Don’t.”
Chapter 11—Gabriel
SAM FROZE.
Seconds ticked by, and neither of them drew breath. Then Gabriel licked his lips.
“I’m sorry.” He wanted Sam’s mouth on his even as he blurted out, “I can’t.” The hitch of his breath betrayed him even in his refusal. He wrapped his hands around Sam’s biceps intending to wrench him away.
“Gabriel.”
He stilled as Sam whispered his name with such longing that it stopped Gabriel’s world.
“It’s okay,” Sam assured him.
No, it wasn’t okay. He shouldn’t be feeling like this. This wasn’t… this wasn’t… he didn’t….
Sam’s kiss in the rain had taken him by surprise. But this was a slow lead in and gave his brain time to think. Too much time.
Sam was so still Gabriel wasn’t even sure he was breathing. Gabriel knew if he walked away, Sam wouldn’t follow him. It was Gabriel’s decision, and he hated that.
He licked his lips. “Jenny….”
“I know.”
But he didn’t know. How could he when Gabriel didn’t know himself?
Sam brushed away a stray tear from his cheek that Gabriel hadn’t even known was there. “You’re not ready for this.”
For me.
Gabriel heard the words even if they were unspoken. He ran his hands through his hair. “It’s too soon.”
Sam nodded, and the kindness in his expression made Gabriel feel worse than before. “I understand.”
“Jenny….” Fuck! He needed to be able to say more than just her name.
“She was your life.”
Sam was killing him with his understanding. If he’d been ang
ry, Gabriel would have had something to rail against.
“She was,” Gabriel agreed, “but she’s gone, and so is Michael.”
“You need more time.”
“Stop!” The force of his exclamation took Gabriel as much by surprise as Sam. He placed one finger over Sam’s mouth and felt the soft, dry lips beneath his fingertip. “Just listen.” Sam nodded, wide-eyed above his closed mouth. “Okay.” Gabriel paused as he struggled to find the right words. “I never found their bodies. Jenny’s and Michael’s, I mean. I know they’re dead. I feel it here.” He took his hand from Sam’s mouth and placed it over his heart. He heard Sam’s indrawn breath and nodded. “I prayed for a long time for their bodies to be returned to me, but now… I just want them to be at peace together.”
“You look out for them every day on the clifftop,” Sam said, barely above a whisper.
Gabriel shook his head. “I know they’re not coming back. I just feel closer to them there.”
“I’m sorry for trying to kiss you again. It was wrong.”
Gabriel did what Sam had intended to do. He cupped Sam’s jaw and stroked his thumb along the bristles. He needed Sam to stop feeling guilty and listen. “Since Jenny died, I’ve not looked at another woman or man. You know that. I’ve barely been out of the house or talked to anyone. Then suddenly you come into my life, delivered by a storm, for Christ’s sake, and my emotions are all over the place. I don’t know what to think or do or say. You still haven’t got your memory back. You could be married, for all I know.” He saw Sam’s stricken expression and knew the same thing had occurred to him. “I can’t kiss another man’s lover. I’m not made that way.”
“I know.”
“I need time, and you need to regain more of your memory.”
“I don’t feel like I’m married, if that helps.”
Gabriel gave a wry smile. “I need more proof than that. To fall for you and then to lose you after losing Jenny…. It would be too much.”
He saw the understanding dawn in Sam’s eyes. Then Sam took a step back out of Gabriel’s hands, and Gabriel felt the loss even as he felt the relief. He didn’t want to admit even to himself that he already had tumbled head over heels for Sam.