My fingers ran through my hair and I nodded. “High...”
“Welcome home,” she said.
“It’s not home. I’m just stopping in before leaving again.”
She shrugged. “Home is always home. Even when you don’t want it to be. And Logan?” she said, slightly rocking back and forth on her heels.
“Yeah?”
She didn’t say anything else, but I heard her loud and clear.
I missed you too, High.
Chapter Seventeen
Logan
I dropped my duffle bag on Kellan and Erika’s front porch before knocking. My stomach knotted, not knowing how it’d be seeing both of them after so long. Time had a way of changing people, and I wondered how much it had changed them. I let a few more seconds pass before building up the courage to knock.
When the door opened, a weighted sigh left me. Kellan gave me his big brother grin seconds before pulling me tight into a hug. “Your train was supposed to get in yesterday. You get lost, brother?”
I laughed. “I took the long way.”
“All right, let me look at you.” He stood back, crossed his arms, and chuckled. “You look buff or something. You legit left town as Peter Parker and came back as Spiderman.”
“Those radioactive spiders in Iowa aren’t fucking around man. And look at you!” I jokingly punched at his gut. “You look like a peanut. Maybe now I can kick your ass instead of vice versa.”
“Ha, don’t count on it. Still deep conditioning your hair like a woman, I see,” he said, messing up my perfect hair.
“Envy is one of the seven deadly sins, brother.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he snickered. Damn. It was good to see him. He looked just as great as he always did. You never realized how much you could miss a person until they were standing right in front of you after so long.
“Kellan, who’s at the door?” Erika said, walking out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel. When she saw me, shock filled her up. “What are you doing here?”
“Good to see you too, Erika.”
“What are you doing here?” she asked again.
My eyes darted from Kellan to Erika, and back to Kellan. “I’m starting to wonder the same thing. What’s going on, Kel? I ran into Alyssa earlier and—”
“You ran into Alyssa?!” Erika exclaimed. It was funny…how little I missed her overly dramatic self.
“That’s what I just said. Anyway, and she said the wedding wasn’t this weekend?”
“Next month,” she corrected. “It’s next month. Why do you have a duffle bag with you?”
“Uh, I was told I would be staying with you two? For the wedding that doesn’t seem to be happening.”
“It’s next month!” she echoed once more. “It’s next month. I didn’t even know you were coming. Staying with us?” She started itching at her neck, her pale skin growing red with irritation. She looked so much like her sister, yet their personalities were so different that they could’ve been strangers. “Babe, can I talk to you in the bedroom for a minute?”
I stepped forward to follow her, making Kellan smirk as Erika growled with annoyance. “Oh? Sorry. When you said babe I assumed you were talking to me. But now I see it was directed toward my brother. My bad.”
Kellan chuckled. “Don’t be a dick.”
“Can’t help it. I have one, so I am one.”
The two hurried into the bedroom where the door slammed. I sat down on the sofa and right as I reached into my pocket, the bedroom door flew open.
“Logan?” Erika said.
“Yes?”
“Don’t touch anything.”
I tossed my hands up in defeat, and she reentered the bedroom, with another loud slam.
“I cannot believe you didn’t tell me he was coming, Kellan!” echoed through the house, and I couldn’t help but chuckle. Even though I had no clue why I was currently back in the town that created all of my demons, it always felt like home to get under Erika’s skin.
Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my pack of cigarettes, and then lit one with my lighter. Glancing around the house, I was reminded of how much of a neat freak Erika was, and I couldn’t for a second understand how Kellan could put up with her. I was certain each day was filled with nagging.
When ashes began to form at the end of the cigarette, I panicked, knowing Erika would freak out if I got any on her probably overpriced coffee table. I hurried toward the dining room table that was set as if there were a big dinner party taking place, and grabbed a saucer, dropping the ashes onto that. I took the saucer back to the sofa, and relaxed a bit.
“Kellan, I just…we are already under so much stress. You have so much going on, with work. I’m working on my master’s degree. Plus, we are trying to tie everything together for the wedding. Do you think having Logan here is a good idea?” she asked him, as I listened through the thin walls.
“He’s my brother.”
“You’re… We… I don’t know if this is a good idea.”
“He’s my brother.”
“But you know how he is. He’ll drag you into his crazy life, he always does.”
“Erika, he’s clean. He’s been clean for years now.” I could hear the irritation in Kellan’s voice, and a bit of disappointment overtook me. He was always one of the few to actually believe in me ever getting clean. Him and Alyssa. Everyone else considered me a lost cause.
Her voice held the same kind of aggression. “Or so he says. Seriously, how many times have we heard that from him? You have this need to parent him and your mom. You aren’t in charge of their lives, babe. And you’re not Logan’s father. Gosh, he’s not even your full brother! He’s your half-brother.”
I heard a loud slam, and my gut tightened up. Standing from the sofa, I was seconds away from going to check on them. The saucer full of ashes stayed in my grip as I walked toward the bedroom, yet I paused when I heard Kellan’s voice.
“If you ever say something like that again, I will walk out of this place and have a hard time looking back. Yeah, Logan has fucked up in the past. He’s burned bridges between you, and tons of other people. To many, he’s unforgiveable. But he’s my brother. None of that ‘half’ shit. One hundred percent, he’s my brother. I will look after him, and I will never give up on him. I will never burn that bridge, Erika. So if that bothers you, well, that’s probably going to be an issue.”
Their voices lowered, and I had to listen very closely to hear Erika apologize, followed by the exchanges of I love yous, and more apologies.
When the door opened, I stood with my cigarette hanging between my lips. The two stared at me, shocked to see me so nearby. “Listen, you guys,” I started.
“Are you smoking in the house?” Erika gasped, ripping the cigarette from between my lips. “And are you putting ashes on my good china?!” she whined, snatching the saucer from my hands. “Oh my gosh. My mom is going to be here in a few hours and now the place smells like smoke!”
Erika’s mom. The only person on the earth who was more dramatic and annoying than Erika herself. How was Alyssa related to these people?
She hurried over to the sink, where she drowned my cigarette, sending it through the garbage disposal. She muttered to herself as she began to scrub the plate over and over again.
An awkward silence took over the room, as Kellan and I stared at his fiancée, who seemed to be level five hundred crazy that day.
“So…” Kellan said, rocking back and forth. “Want to go check out Jacob’s restaurant?” he asked.
“Yup,” I replied, faster than the speed of light. Jacob was an old friend who I hadn’t spoken to since I snapped on him about his porn collection. I wasn’t certain how the reunion would go, but I was hopeful that it would be better than the reunification with Erika.
We hurried out of the door before Erika could grow any angrier.
“You think she’s still not over me almost burning down her last apartment?” I asked, with a smirk on my face.
“Oh, she’s definitely not over you almost burning down her apartment,” Kellan laughed.
“Give me a break. It was a mistake.”
“That cost her four thousand dollars, yeah. An expensive mistake. But she’ll get over it, no worries.”
“Kellan, why am I here?”
Before he could reply, the front door opened. “You can stay in one of the guestrooms,” Erika said, nodding toward Kellan. Her eyes locked with mine, and she seemed calmer than before. Maybe the intense cleaning session balanced out her mojo. “I’ll put your bag in there.”
“Thanks, Erika. It means a lot to me,” I replied.
“We’ll be back in time for dinner,” Kellan said, kissing her cheek.
“We?” she asked, her voice heightening with concern.
“We,” he said, pointing toward himself and me. She tried her best not to cringe, but she definitely cringed.
“Oh, wonderful. I’ll just, somehow, make the meatloaf big enough for four instead of three people. And I’ll set an extra placemat.” I could feel her annoyance floating in the air, but she smiled and slowly walked back inside and shut the door.
“I think she and I are officially best friends,” I laughed.
“The bestest of friends,” he agreed. “Speaking of… How was it seeing Alyssa?”
“Fine,” I lied. “I just plan on avoiding her the best I can.”
“Good,” he said, walking down the front porch. “It’s probably for the best that those feelings from the past are gone, huh? Maybe you can forgive, forget, and both move on now.”
“Yeah. I felt nothing being around her actually. So, that’s good.” That was the truth, too. And by ‘truth’ I meant the ugliest lie. I remembered the words Alyssa said earlier at the diner.
“Home is always home. Even when you don’t want it to be.”
After all of the time that passed, after all of the distance, Alyssa Marie Walters still somehow felt like home to me.
I wasn’t certain how to handle that fact, which was exactly why I needed a one-way ticket away from True Falls, Wisconsin.
Fast.
Chapter Eighteen
Alyssa
“On a scale of one to ten, how long did you know Logan was in town before you figured to call me? One being you had no clue, ten being, ‘I secretly hate my sister,’” I asked Erika through the phone, juggling my keys as I tried to get into my house. Ever since Logan and I crossed paths at the restaurant, my nerves had been shot. I couldn’t think straight, I felt nauseous, I felt anger…I felt…relief?
A big part of me sometimes doubted that Logan was still alive, even though Kellan would give me updates every now and then.
“Trust me, I had no clue,” Erika said. I finally opened my front door and within seconds, I was flopped on my sofa. “Kellan sent out an S.O.S. for him I guess. It’s a mess. He’s supposed to be staying with us for a while.”
“A while?” I asked, perking up. “How long is a while? Is he there now?” I debated walking over to her house just to see his face. Just to make sure he was real.
“Aly,” she scolded, her voice sounding a lot like Mom’s when she’d discipline us as kids. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t go back down that road. Logan Silverstone is out of your life. And I think it’s best if we keep it that way.”
How is he supposed to stay out of my life if he’s literally blocks away from me, staying with my sister?
“I was just curious, Erika. Seriously.” I paused, listening to the noise coming through the phone. She was rearranging her whole house; I just knew it. I could hear her pushing the furniture around. Whenever Erika was nervous or upset, she always rearranged things, or accidentally broke items, which she would quickly run to the store to replace. It was a weird quirk about her, but I left a boy a message each day for almost five years—everyone had their weird quirks. “Wow, he must have really gotten under your skin,” I said, pulling out a tube of lipstick and applying it over and over again. “I can hear you moving things around.”
“Can you blame me? It’s like the ghost of Christmas past showing up and saying, ‘Oh? Are you under some stress? Well, let me come screw things up a little more for you.’”
“How many plates have you broken so far?”
“Only one, thankfully,” she sighed. “I had extras in the storage closet though.” Of course she did. She was always ready for almost any kind of incident. “He was smoking and leaving ashes on my saucer, Alyssa! Who does that?”
I snickered. “Better than on your five hundred dollar coffee table.”
“Do you think that’s funny?”
A little.
“No, it’s not funny. Sorry. Look, I’m sure after a few days, things will get back to normal. You probably won’t even know that Logan’s there.”
“Do you think he’s still using?” she whispered through the phone. “Kellan’s in denial, but I don’t know. I think this is a terrible, terrible idea. The timing couldn’t be worse.”
“He looked good,” I said, walking to my bathroom, staring in the mirror at my messy lips with too much ruby red color to them. I picked up a wet wipe and started wiping the lipstick away, thinking about Logan’s eyes that reminded me so much of yesterday. “He actually looked really great. Healthy.”
“You don’t worry, though? That he’ll relapse? Being back in this place where all of his trouble started can’t be good.”
“I think that we shouldn’t overthink everything. One day at a time. One broken plate at a time, Erika.”
She snickered. “Are you sure you don’t want to come over to join us for dinner? Mom will be here to greet Logan.”
Oh no. Poor Logan.
My mom was far from his biggest fan. And the last time Logan saw her, he called her a belittling monster.
“As much as I would love to be a part of that train wreck, I think I’ll have to pass.” Seeing Logan earlier made my mind dizzy. I wasn’t certain that I could’ve handled seeing him again. Even if a big part of my heart wanted to stare at him, just to make sure he was real. “Anyway, have fun tonight, and text me all of the disastrous details.”
“Will do. And Alyssa?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t fall back down the Logan rabbit hole. No good comes from that.”
“I won’t. And Erika?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t break a freaking lamp.”
“Deal.”
***
I pulled out the box.
The box that was supposed to be destroyed years ago. The box that Erika thought I got rid of because I let him go after the million voice messages I’d left him. But it was packed under my mattress, with all of our memories inside.
I took off the lid and went through all of the photos of us from when we were younger. I lifted the pressed daisy from when he first kissed me. I pulled out the teddy bear he stole from the amusement park when the guy cheated me out of the main prize.
The ticket stubs from the movies we went to.
The birthday cards he always handmade me.
His lighter.
“Why did you have to do this to me?” I whispered, lifting the red hoodie that he gave to me the first time we hung out. I smelled it, and could almost still smell the cigarette smoke traces that he left in the fabric. “Why did you have to come back?”
In the bottom of the box was a framed silver fork. I closed my eyes as I held it in my hands. I sat in the pile of memories until it was time to pack up the box and put it back under my bed.
I’d get rid of them one day, I was certain of it.
Just not today.
Chapter Nineteen
Logan
I was amazed when we walked into Jacob’s restaurant, Bro’s Bistro. It was so cool to see how Jacob turned his life around. When we were younger, we used to smoke weed and joke about how we both wanted to be chefs and to own restaurants. It was cool to see his dream live in action.
> “Well I’ll be damned! Look what the cat dragged in,” Jacob exclaimed from behind the large bar. “Logan Silverstone. I didn’t ever think I’d see you back in these parts of town.” His hair was buzzed short and he had that same big, goofy smile that he always showcased in the past.
I smiled. “It’s been a long time, man, that’s for sure.”
“You look good,” he said, hurrying over to me, giving me a bear hug. “Healthy.”
“Trying man. Trying. This place is amazing, Jacob.”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s still early,” he said. “I’ll get a bit of a rush closer to seven or eight. And tomorrow is open mic night, where you’ll find your brother performing.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “Seriously? I haven’t heard you play the guitar and sing in a long ass time, Kellan.”
“Yeah. I’m trying to go back to the things I love, ya know? Life is too short to not do what makes you happy.”
“That’s the truth. This place is real cool though, Jacob. It’s not every day that someone has a dream and makes it come true,” I said as he walked me through the whole place, showing me everything. “You’re doing it, though. You’re living your dream.”
“Trying to,” he laughed. “Turns out running your own restaurant is really fucking hard.”
“Just thinking about it is tiring.”
“Rumor has it you got your culinary degree while you’ve been in Iowa?” he asked, leading Kellan and I to the bar.
“I did indeed. I didn’t think I could, but…” Alyssa always knew. “But I did it.”
He smiled wide. “Shit. That’s awesome man. Who would’ve thought two fucked up kids like us would’ve made it to college? What can I get you two? Beer? Girly martinis?” Jacob asked, wiping down the bar.
“I’ll have a water,” Kellan said.
I laughed. “Still the wild party animal that I knew you to be, brother. I’ll have a Bud Light,” I told Jacob.
Kellan arched a brow. “I see you’re just as wild and crazy as I am.”
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