by Marci Bolden
“You didn’t sign on for this.”
“No, I didn’t. But neither did you. Did you ask that asshole to shoot you in the head? Did you ask to stay in a coma for three months or to wake up and have to spend months in speech and physical therapy?”
“If you want to leave—”
“Don’t—”
“I won’t blame you, and I won’t be angry. I promise, I won’t be angry.”
“Well, you know what, Annie? I’m getting angry.” Tossing the blankets off, he stood and raked his hand through his hair. He paced, trying to tamp down his knee-jerk reaction so he didn’t take his frustration out on her. Finally, he faced her. “We’ve been over this. Before you got shot, we went over this a hundred times. I’m not abandoning you. I’m not like Mallory’s dad. I’m not going to walk away the first time life throws us a curveball. Stop lumping me in with that son of a bitch.”
“This is different—”
“No, it’s not. Goddamn it.” Sighing, he sat back on the bed and looked at her. “I know this isn’t going to be easy. For either one of us. I know we have a rough road ahead. But I’m not going to turn back now. I don’t know what to say or do to make you understand how much I love you. You are everything to me. You and Mallory are my family, Annie. I felt that way long before you ever gave me permission to. I’m not giving up on you, and I wish to hell you’d stop trying to give up on me.”
“I’m not—”
“You are. Every time you tell me that you think I’m going to leave you, that’s you giving up on me. That’s you thinking that I’m not strong enough or that I don’t love you enough, and that hurts me. I’m not leaving you, so stop trying to give me an out.”
“I’m never going to be the same, Marcus. We can pretend that maybe someday, but the truth is, I won’t ever be like I was before.”
He nodded. “I know.”
“And you really can live with that?”
“I really can live with that.” He brushed his hand over her hair. “Honey, the only thing I couldn’t live with was if I’d had to say goodbye to you.”
She blinked a few times before nodding. “I’m trying so hard to make things normal.”
“This is our new normal. We’ve got to take the time to figure out what that means. All of us.”
“I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy, Annie. Things are tough right now, but I’m happy. How are you?”
“Honestly?”
“Honestly.”
“I’m terrified. And frustrated. And…maybe a little lonely.”
“Lonely?”
“I always kept everyone at arm’s length because I didn’t want to be attached if they left me. Now… Now I feel like I make everyone so sad, and I don’t want them to be sad, so it’s better to stay away from them.”
“You don’t make them sad. The situation does. But again, we’ve all just got to start working on accepting and moving forward.”
“I want to wake up and have this all be a dream, but that isn’t going to happen, is it?”
“No. This is our reality. Ours and the family’s. Don’t push them away. Don’t keep them at arm’s length. They’re your family. They love you and want to help you.”
Pulling her knees up, she hugged them and her eyes glazed over in that way that still spooked him.
Finally, she blinked and sighed. “I’m going to call my brothers tomorrow. We’re going to have lunch. Like we used to. And…and if I spill food all over me, then…so be it, right?”
He smiled. “Just…wear a bib.”
She looked at him for a moment before giggling. Leaning forward, she wrapped her arms around his neck. He hugged her to him and kissed her cheek. She leaned back, pressed her lips to his, and rested her forehead to his for a moment before kissing him again. Desire flared through him as Annie leaned back, pulling him with her as she continued to kiss him.
He broke the kiss and sat back enough to look down at her, intending to ask if she was sure she was ready, but his heart seized in his chest. Leaning over her, staring into her eyes, he was suddenly back in that house. He nearly forgot how to breathe until she touched his cheek.
“Marcus?”
He gasped quickly as his lungs kicked back into action. Smiling, he took the fingers lightly brushing his cheek and brought them to his lips. “Come on,” he whispered. “Let’s get some sleep.”
Confusion lit her eyes for a moment, but he looked away, turning his attention to stretching out and turning off the bedside lamp. Once he was settled under the covers, her hand brushed over his chest then slid around him. He closed his eyes and tried not to picture her dead on the floor, but the images assaulted him.
“You okay?” she asked quietly.
He exhaled slowly. “Yeah, of course.” He kissed her head. “Good night, Annie.”
“Yeah,” she said, sounding hurt. “Good night.”
Chapter Fifteen
It had taken Annie nearly a month after her release to decide to go into the office. Now that she was there, she looked around the space where she’d once spent so much time and felt like she didn’t belong. Things had been moved. Her monitor. Her keyboard. Her electronic coffee-warming coaster. The photo of her and Mallory from their vacation several years ago.
Marcus had effectively taken over her space.
“We ran out of office space when we hired Meg and Mallory as agents,” he said from behind her. “Someone had to move in here. It made the most sense for that someone to be me.”
She faked a smile. “Of course.”
He stopped gathering papers for the meeting and looked at her. “You can tell me how offended you are. It’s okay.”
“I was”—where was the pen holder? It was a gift from Matt’s daughters—“hibernating.”
“I will put everything back exactly as it was. I just needed this space to be functional for me while I was in here.”
“Well, I…” Had he changed her chair out for another? “I can’t exactly come back to work yet anyway.” He had. He’d changed her chair. This wasn’t even her office anymore.
He stepped around her desk and picked up the framed photo that was sitting in the space her candy dish used to occupy.
“From the wedding,” he said, showing her the picture.
It wasn’t the one she’d seen before. This image was snapped candidly, when neither was posing. Marcus had his arm around her shoulder, pulling her to him as he laughed. She was smiling, and her cheeks were blushed. He’d likely just said something completely inappropriate that she should have been offended by.
Warmth spread through her chest, and some of her irritation at him for moving her things smoothed over. She grinned. “I like it.”
“Me too.” He looked at the image. “It suits us.”
Her smile faded a bit. “I remember.”
“What?”
“Being here. Before the open house. You kissed me.”
Marcus smiled. “You let me.”
She focused on the flash of a memory, trying to regain more, but it was gone. “I’m never going to remember what he looked like, am I?”
“Probably not.”
“They’ll never catch him.”
He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
She closed her eyes. “After what he did to me…”
Putting his hands on her shoulders, he lightly kissed her forehead. “You’re still with us. We have to focus on that.”
“So you keep saying.”
“Because it’s true.”
Slipping into his arms, she completely disregarded her own rule about keeping romance out of the office. She needed to feel the security of his embrace.
“Hey, boss, I need you to sign off on… Oh, sorry.”
Annie turned and smiled at the young woman who had walked into her office—Marcus’s office. “Hey, Meg.”
“Annie, it’s so good to see you.”
“Thanks for stepping in while I was recovering.” Her smiled faltered when Meg�
�s did.
Meg looked to Marcus, and Annie realized she hadn’t understood her. Her family had gotten adept at translating her apparent gibberish. She’d forgotten that she wasn’t speaking as clearly as she thought.
“Thank you. For helping,” she said more slowly.
Meg’s smile returned. “Of course.” She looked at Marcus again. “If you have time before the meeting, I needed you to sign off on this purchase order.”
Annie creased her brow at Marcus. Since when did agents make purchases?
Marcus took the paper from Meg. “I’ll get to it. Go on in. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Meg left, and Annie took the paper from Marcus, skimming it. “What is all this?”
“Some new marketing materials. Meg and Mallory took this on for me. Remember? Mal designed the new signs. We’re going to get our business cards and website and all that in line with the new look. I’ve been busy, so she and Meg worked on it.” He took the paper from her. “It’s all right, Annie. We’ve spread out the expenses to have the least impact on our immediate budget.”
“That’s great, but…new marketing materials? New signs? New security company? Yet you said sales were down. Spreading the impact out is great, but at the end of the day, where is this money coming from?”
“Paul and I reworked the budget.”
Her mouth fell open a bit. “Even a reworked budget has a limit. The money has to come from somewhere. I don’t want the safety net I’ve built over the years to go to marketing.”
“Annie,” he soothed, “we have to change some things for the security of the staff, as well as to try to get sales up. Yes, it cost more than what you had originally budgeted, but it was necessary.”
“But if sales are down—”
“Hey,” he said calmly, “I’m taking care of it. Don’t worry.” He added the paper to the stack on the corner of his desk.
“No, Marcus. I am worried. I may not remember everything, but I know what my finances were, and there wasn’t room for all these additional expenses. I appreciate you taking care of things while I was gone, but you can’t just do all this without anyone’s permission.”
The muscles in his jaw tightened. “I had Mallory’s and Paul’s permission, Annie. Someone had to manage your business. They agreed that someone was me. I’ve been mindful of the budget in light of the unplanned expenses. That’s why Paul and I reworked things before we made any major purchases. I’m not running your business into the ground, but I am not going to put our staff in a position where they could get hurt. Steps had to be taken.”
“Can I see the new budget? Or do you need to confer with Mallory and Paul first?”
Reaching into a desk drawer, he grabbed a folder and held it out to her with a scowl. “We know how much your company means to you. We were far from reckless with your finances. Paul and I took everything into consideration and came to the same conclusion every time. Safety first. His wife, his sister, his niece. You all work here now. He’s not going to let anything happen to any of you. None of us are going to let anything like that happen again.”
“Marcus,” she said as he stepped around her.
“I need some coffee.”
She sighed heavily. She certainly had a way of screwing things up these days. Her frown deepened when the pages inside the folder fell out and scattered across the floor as she lowered her hand. Easing to her knees, she tried to pick up the papers, but her inability to properly use her fingers made the action nearly impossible.
“Damn it,” she whispered harshly.
“Everything okay?” Dianna asked, kneeling beside Annie and gathering the papers.
A humorless laugh left her. “You thought I was rough around the edges before… Just wait until you get to know me now.”
“Give yourself a break, Annie. You were—”
“Shot. In a coma. Yeah, I know.” She closed her eyes and sighed. “See? That right there. I don’t mean to snap. It just comes out.”
Dianna stood, helping Annie up as she did. “I’m guessing by the way Marcus marched out of here, he got a good snapping, too. Why? What happened?”
“Because I just found out he threw my well-planned budget in a blender.”
She nodded. “He and Paul really scrutinized things. They didn’t just toss your plans aside. They weighed everything and had a lot of discussions over what was best for the agency.”
She took the papers from Dianna. “I know. I know they wouldn’t be careless. It’s just…” She inhaled slowly and looked around. “Everything is different. You guys have a few months of adjustment time on me. I need to catch up.” Sitting in a chair in front of her desk—Marcus’s desk—she dropped the folder on the surface and frowned. “I want my life back, Di, but this”—she gestured toward her head—“won’t let me. I can’t think. I can’t…censor myself.”
“You’re pushing yourself too hard. It’s barely been a month since you’ve been home from the hospital. Nobody expects you to come back to work or to even be your old self. You’ve been through an incredibly traumatic experience.”
“And it takes time and there’s no telling how long or how far I’ll progress. Yes, the therapists tell me this over and over.”
“And it’s still not sinking in, is it?”
Annie smiled sadly. “I always did have a thick skull. Good thing, huh?”
“Yeah, good thing.”
She exhaled heavily. “I just want to pick up the pieces and put them back together, but they’re so broken. I’m so broken.”
“Not broken,” Dianna whispered. “You’re not broken, Annie. Stop thinking of yourself as damaged.”
“I am damaged.”
“No. You’re recovering. You’re surviving.”
“And you’re a goddamned Pollyanna.”
Dianna chuckled. “Someone around here has to look at the bright side. It sure as hell isn’t you.”
“Hard to see the bright side when I’m so easily distracted by the lights that I can’t remember what I was looking for in the first place.”
“So be distracted. Take time to look at the lights. They’re beautiful.”
“Jesus,” Annie sighed, “how does Paul stand your sunshine bullshit?”
Di giggled. “Come on. Staff meeting is about to start.”
She shook her head. “No. I, um, I’m going to pass.”
“You came for the staff meeting.”
“I think… Marcus is… He should just keep doing what he’s doing.”
“Don’t let this beat you, Annie.”
She drew a breath. “I’m not. I’m just going to sit this one out. For now.”
“But—”
“Dianna.” She closed her eyes for a moment before looking at her sister-in-law. “I know you’re trying to help, but I’m feeling completely incompetent at the moment, and walking into a meeting where I have no idea what is going on is just going to make it worse. So no, I’m not going. I need to… I don’t know what I need, but it isn’t sitting in there being reminded that I’ve lost so much. I’ll be ready soon, but that time isn’t now.”
“You know, they don’t need me in there. Why don’t we go—”
“No. Please. I’m fine.”
Dianna’s face sagged a bit. “I don’t want to leave you when you’re so upset.”
“I’m not upset. I’m…facing a very hard truth. I lived for this company for so long, and now…now I have to stand on the outside and let someone else take it, and that hurts. Just one more thing I can’t do.”
Dianna put her hand on Annie’s. “It will take time, but you will get back into the swing of things. You will get back on your feet.”
Annie nodded. “Yeah. Just not today, huh?”
“You two ready?” Marcus asked, sticking his head in the door.
“Go,” Annie whispered. “I’m fine.”
Dianna hesitated a few more seconds before standing. She quietly ushered Marcus from the room, thankfully fielding his questions and stopping hi
m from pressing Annie to go to the meeting. She didn’t need to say again how unprepared she was to attend a staff meeting. Hearing voices filtering from the conference room, she reached for the photo that Marcus had shown her earlier, sighing when she nearly dropped it.
She stared at her image for a long time. That had been a week—just seven days—before her life had changed forever. And that week had probably been one of the happiest of her life. She’d finally stopped running from her feelings. She’d finally stopped being scared of being left and let Marcus in. And then, just like that, it was over.
Her therapists tried to be encouraging. Her family and Marcus kept telling her to give herself more time. Be more patient. She’d even told herself that from time to time, but saying and doing it were two different things. She’d never been patient, and that hadn’t changed.
She wanted her goddamned life back. She wanted her confidence back. She wanted to feel like herself again. She wanted to walk into that conference room and take charge and know that was her place. Know that she belonged there.
Her life had been altered so much, and she hadn’t been there to see it. She was an outsider, and a fairly bewildered one at that. She was tired and frustrated and scared and pissed off, and she couldn’t seem to sort it all out and make sense of it. Everything seemed to jumble up when she tried to work it out. The more she thought about it, the more confusing it became. She didn’t used to stumble like this. She didn’t used to trip up on her own thoughts.
Staring at the image, she rubbed her fingertips over the raised scar on her forehead. One moment. One stupid kid. And everything was different. Nothing would ever be the same.
“Hey,” Paul said gently from the door.
She looked up, puzzled for a moment. “Hi.”
“What’s up?”
She lowered her hand and the picture. “What are you doing here?”
“I was going to take my wife to lunch. I forgot about the staff meeting.”
Annie frowned at him. “Liar. She called you.”
He gave her a slight shrug. “She’s worried about you.”
“And you just dropped everything to run over here?”
He nodded as he sat in the chair next to her. “I did. And before you blame that scar you were fondling, I’d have done the same before that happened. I’d always drop everything and come running for you, Annie. That’s what we do for each other.”