by Duncan Ball
‘It’s a swimming machine for dogs.’
‘But dogs all know how to swim from the moment they’re born.’
‘All of them except Selby,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Selby has never been able to swim a stroke.’
‘So you’ve invented this for Selby, have you?’
‘Exactly! We just strap Selby on top of it, put it in the water, turn it on, and off he’ll go, dog-paddling away like a normal pooch. It should be a wonderful experience for Selby. He may even get a taste for swimming and then learn how to do it on his own.’
‘What do you call it? Did you give it one of those long funny names you think up like a Canine Aquatic Propulsion Simulation Instructing Zoom Equilibrator?’
‘Goodness, no,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘That would spell CAPSIZE. And capsize means to tip over and sink. This invention could never tip over — or sink. Well, I hope not, anyway. I call it my Paddle-Pup because it paddles and it’s for pups.’
‘I wish Dr Trifle would just let me be a happy not-normal non-dog-paddling dog,’ Selby thought. ‘Besides, I don’t trust that Paddle-Pup thing. Something always goes wrong with his inventions. In fact, if he tries to put me on it I’ll have to bark and growl and bare my teeth till he has to let me go.’
Dr Trifle lifted Selby onto the invention and began strapping his legs to its mechanical legs.
‘Now it’s time to bark and growl and bare my teeth,’ Selby thought. ‘But I can’t bring myself to do it. The Trifles are such wonderful people. They’re always so good to me. They never even raise their voices at me. How can I be nasty to them? Oh, well, I may as well go along with this Paddle-Pup business. I only hope the flamin’ thing floats.’
Dr Trifle carried the invention into the water with Selby on it.
‘Phew! It does float,’ Selby thought. ‘Hey, this is okay. And the water feels great — it’s so lovely and cool on my legs.’
Dr Trifle reached down under the water and switched the machine on. Suddenly all four legs began making short sharp dog-paddling strokes. In a minute Selby was moving slowly through the water.
‘This is great!’ Selby thought as the Paddle-Pup made its way out towards the middle of the lake. ‘It’s slow, but that’s okay with me.’
‘Aren’t you afraid that the Paddle-Pup will get away?’ Mrs Trifle said, bending down and chipping a hole into the hard earth with her garden trowel.
‘It’s a tiny lake,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Where could it go?’
‘What if it suddenly stops? What if the battery conks out?’
‘I’d just swim out and pull him to shore. You worry too much — Selby’s perfectly safe.’
For the next half hour Selby sat on the machine as it paddled around slowly. He quickly learned that he could lean to make the Paddle-Pup turn.
On the shore nearby he watched the Trifles struggling to dig holes in the rock-hard ground. The sweat poured off them and every now and then they groaned and straightened up, stretching their sore backs and stiff legs.
‘They’ll never get all of those plants in the ground in time,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s such slow work. Hmmm, speaking of slow, I’m getting a bit tired of piddle-paddling around at low speed on this Paddle-Pup. I wonder if I can crank it up a bit? There must be a speed thingy somewhere — but where would it be? Maybe it’s underwater.’
Selby held his breath, put his head underwater, and then opened his eyes.
‘There it is,’ he thought as he managed to work one paw out of its strap. He pulled the speed lever back with his paw and felt the Paddle-Pup speed up. ‘Wow! Suddenly I don’t feel like a dog anymore — I’m a one-dog speed boat! I’m a canine cabin cruiser! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! This is fantastic!’
The Trifles looked on in horror as Selby began tearing around the lake. First he went straight towards them and then he leaned to one side and the Paddle-Pup turned at the last minute and went around in circles.
‘Look, I can even do a figure eight!’ Selby thought. ‘Which is really just the S in Selby only connected up. Maybe I can do one of those loopy loop things like I’ve seen on that TV channel.’
Selby leaned this way and that as he tore around and around the little lake.
‘Ooops! The Trifles will think the Paddle-Pup’s out of control,’ he thought. ‘I’d better slow down again before I give them heart attacks.’
Selby put his paw on the speed lever to push it forward again and slow the Paddle-Pup down but the force of the moving water pushed his paw back in the other direction.
‘Uh-oh! The faster it goes, the faster the water makes it go! I can’t slow down! I can only speed up! Help!’
Now Selby was going around so fast that his waves were crashing on the shore.
‘I can’t do this any longer,’ he screamed in his brain. ‘This dog-paddling dodo could explode! My only chance is to run it up on the shore! Here goes!’
Selby tore out of the water and right past the terrified Trifles, the little metal legs of the Paddle-Pup pounding away at the hard ground like four jackhammers.
‘This thing is even faster on land than it is in the water!’ Selby thought. ‘It’s not stopping! I’ve got to grab the speed lever and push it forward.’
Selby reached for the speed lever but now the machine bounced and bobbed and jumped and rattled so furiously that he couldn’t keep his paw still.
‘I can’t grab it!’
Around and around the shore Selby tore, sending Dr and Mrs Trifle diving into the water to get out of his way. He sped uphill and downhill and even round-and-round hill, through trees and bushes.
‘Help me, please!’ Selby screamed out loud. ‘This runaway robot’s going to kill me! Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp!’
Suddenly the Paddle-Pup tore over a hump and straight into a clump of thick bushes where it came to a sudden stop.
‘What a strange noise the engine was making there at the end,’ Dr Trifle said as he and Mrs Trifle ran out of the water. ‘It sounded like a person calling for help.’
‘Never mind about that. Thank goodness the battery finally ran out of electricity,’ Mrs Trifle said, cuddling the trembling dog. ‘Poor baby. You must have had a terrible fright. It’s a horrible nasty awful invention, isn’t it?’
‘Are you kidding?!’ Dr Trifle exclaimed as he looked back towards the lake. ‘This horrible invention isn’t so horrible after all. It just saved us a lot of work.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Look at all those neat little holes it made in the ground. They’re perfect to put the plants in. Selby did most of our work for us in just a few seconds.’
‘Why so he did. Good boy, Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said, releasing the straps and letting Selby climb off the machine.
‘There’s only one problem,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘And what might that be?’
‘There still aren’t enough holes. We need about fifty more,’ Dr Trifle explained. ‘We could do them ourselves but the Paddle-Pup could do them more quickly.’
‘What are we going to do?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘The Paddle-Pup’s battery is flat.’
‘Thank goodness for that,’ Selby thought.
‘I’ve got a brilliant idea!’ Dr Trifle said, snapping his fingers the way he did when he got brilliant ideas. ‘We’ll use the spare battery from the car! Quick, grab Selby and strap him on again. We can run him around the shore a couple more times.’
‘Not on your life!’ Selby thought. ‘I’m not going back on that rattle trap for all the plants in the world!’
‘Goodness!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘What’s got into him? He’s barking and growling and baring his teeth at us! I’ve never seen him act like this before.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Selby thought as he jumped free and broke into a run, ‘but there are times when even a faithful loving dog just has to say no. If they want that maniac metal monster to punch some more holes then they can ride it themselves!’
SELBY’S SURPRISE
‘Do you remember my clever little two-part plan?’
Mrs Trifle asked Dr Trifle.
‘Plan? Who, me?’ said Dr Trifle as he looked up from his workbench.
‘You know, the one about Jetty’s birthday.’
‘Oh, that clever little two-part plan. No, I’ve completely forgotten.’
‘Today’s her birthday and part one of the plan is me taking her out to a restaurant. Billy is away on a camp but Willy will be coming here if you don’t mind looking after him.’
‘Will he?’ Dr Trifle asked looking back at his latest invention.
‘Yes, Willy. Are you going deaf or something?’
‘No, I said “will he?”, not Willy. Will he be coming to stay?’
‘Just for the night. Is that okay with you?’
‘I don’t mind but the last time he was here he used some disgraceful language. I warned him once but when it happened again, I had to give him a good spanking. Also, I don’t like the way he treats Selby. He can be rather rough, you know.’
‘Jetty says that he’s not like that anymore. She says he’s grown up a lot recently. He doesn’t use naughty words and I’m sure he’ll be good to Selby.’
‘Grown up, schmown up,’ Selby thought. ‘That little monster won’t be grown up when he’s ninety! He may grow taller but he’ll never ever grow up!’
‘I don’t mind looking after him if he behaves himself,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Good. Now I’d better get to work on part two of my clever little plan. I’ve got a lot of Jetty’s friends to ring.’
‘And I’m outta here,’ Selby thought as he crept out to the back yard and crawled into his favourite hiding bush.
Selby lay there in the dark.
‘I can’t keep from thinking terrible thoughts about Willy. I know it’s not nice — but I can’t help myself.’
Just then Selby heard Aunt Jetty’s voice. A few minutes later he heard the two women drive away and there was a terrifying stillness in the air.
‘I don’t like this,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s too quiet. It’s like the calm before the storm. I know that kid is around here somewhere and I know he’ll be after me. I wonder what he’s up to?’
Suddenly Selby heard the crackle of breaking branches and there was Willy only a leg’s length away. Selby got ready to run.
‘Don’t run away,’ Willy pleaded. ‘I won’t hurt you. Please, I wanna be your friend.’
‘Friend?’ Selby thought. ‘Did he say friend? Who is this kid trying to kid?’
‘I won’t hurt you anymore. Shake hands with Willy. I know you can talk but I won’t tell nobody. Come on, doggy. Be my friend.’
‘This has got to be a trick,’ Selby thought, looking around for hidden cameras or tape recorders that would catch him talking.
‘Please,’ Willy said putting his hand out further.
‘Back off, brat!’ Selby whispered. ‘One step closer and I’m out of here and over the back fence. You won’t see me again!’
Willy pulled his hand back. Selby could see tears forming in the boy’s eyes.
‘Don’t be mean to me,’ Willy whimpered.
‘What’s wrong with this kid?’ Selby wondered. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it. Suddenly the monster has turned to mush.’
‘I’m sorry,’ the boy blubbered.
‘What are you up to?’ Selby asked out loud. ‘What’s your game this time?’
‘Do you want to play a game?’Willy asked.
‘No, I mean what’s your angle? What’s your pitch? You’re trying to trap me into giving away my secret gift of the gab — I know you are.’
‘No, no, cross my heart,’ Willy said crossing his heart with his finger. ‘I’m not gonna be bad to you.’
‘Why don’t I believe you?’ Selby said.
‘It’s true,’Willy whined. ‘I’ll be good.’
Selby could hear Dr Trifle’s footsteps approaching.
‘Willy?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Didn’t I warn you not to lay a hand on Selby?’
‘I’m not doing anything,’ Willy said, bursting into tears again. ‘I’m not gonna hurt him, honest. He’s a good little doggie.’
‘Yes, he is,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What’s wrong, Willy? Why are you crying?’
‘I’m not gonna be bad!’Willy burst out.
‘Okay, Willy. Would you like a nice cool drink?’
‘No thank you, Dr Trifle,’ Willy sniffled.
‘Suit yourself, Willy. Now I’d better go and make dinner.’
Selby watched as Dr Trifle went back into the house.
‘See?’ Willy said. ‘I didn’t tell him you can talk. I didn’t tell him your secret or anything.’
‘No, you didn’t,’ Selby admitted. ‘Of course he wouldn’t have believed you — but that’s never stopped you in the past.’
‘Shake hands and we’ll be friends,’ Willy said, putting out his hand.
‘You’re going to grab me, aren’t you?’ Selby said. ‘You’ve got a trick up your sleeve.’
Willy began to cry again so Selby reached out slowly and let Willy shake his paw. Then Selby pulled his paw back.
‘Maybe Willy has grown up,’ he thought.
‘Now we’re friends,’ Willy said.
‘So you’re not going to call me names anymore?’
‘Names? What names?’
‘Let’s see now, I think I remember “poo-poo stink-face doggy”. And then there was —’
‘No! No more names,’ Willy interrupted.
‘Okay, I’ll try to forget about the past,’ Selby said. ‘It won’t be easy but I’ll work on it.’
‘Can I just sit here with you?’ Willy asked, wiping his eyes.
‘Sure, why not?’ Selby sighed. ‘But this is the strangest thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t know what to think. Suddenly the whole world seems like a different place — a nicer place. It’s going to take some getting used to.’
‘Whaddaya mean?’
‘Never mind, kid. I’ll explain it when you’re older.’
And so it was that Selby and Willy sat in the darkness talking and talking until the stars came out. When Dr Trifle called, Willy went inside to eat dinner but then he came back for more talk. Finally Dr Trifle called him again.
‘Willy? Time for bed.’
‘Okay, Dr Trifle, coming.’
But once again Willy burst into tears.
‘Now what’s wrong?’ Selby asked.
‘I forgot Selby,’ Willy whimpered.
‘What do you mean, you forgot me? I’m right here.’
‘No, my teddy Selby.’
‘Your teddy bear is named Selby?’
‘Yes, I named him after you.’
‘Oh, that’s sweet,’ Selby said.
‘But I left him at home,’ Willy said. ‘And now I won’t be able to sleep. I need my teddy or I can’t sleep.’
‘Maybe you could ask Dr Trifle to pop over to your house and pick him up for you?’
‘No. He’s too busy. I don’t want to ask him.’
‘Well that’s very considerate of you,’ Selby said.
‘He’s right on the floor in my bedroom,’ Willy said looking at Selby with big wide teary eyes.
‘Hang on, kid. If you think I’m going to go over there to get your teddy then you’ve got another think coming.’
‘Please,’ Willy pleaded. ‘Nobody’s at home.’
‘I know,’ Selby said. ‘Your brother’s away and your mother’s in a restaurant with Mrs Trifle. But I’m still not going.’
‘The door is open. You just go in.’
‘No way, Willy! I’m glad we’re friends now but this is asking too much.’
‘You were mean to me, too,’ Willy reminded him. ‘You did lots of mean things.’
‘Only because you deserved it. I never ever started it.’
‘Okay,’ Willy sniffed. ‘Goodnight, Selby.’
Selby watched as Willy went back into the house.
‘I do feel sorry for the kid,’ Selby admitted. ‘He really has grown up — and he wants to be
my friend. It must have taken a lot of guts to come right out and say it.’
Selby lay there as a light rain began to fall.
‘This is awful,’ he thought. ‘Now I feel guilty about being nasty to Willy. It’s true that I did get him into heaps of trouble. Maybe I should go and get his teddy bear for him. If I don’t the poor kid will probably lie awake all night.’
It began to rain harder and, just as Selby was about to go indoors, he made the decision.
‘Okay, so I’ll pop over to his house and get the teddy bear. It’ll only take a few minutes. I’ll take some shortcuts through people’s yards so Mrs Trifle won’t see me on the road if she’s driving home.’
Selby climbed over the back fence and dashed from yard to yard and down two back lanes towards Aunt Jetty’s house, splashing his way through mud puddles along the way.
‘Yuck,’ he muttered. ‘I’m going to be filthy by the time I get there.’
Minutes later Selby found himself in front of Aunt Jetty’s house. He walked quietly down the path, wiped the mud off his feet on the doormat and got ready to go in.
‘Good. Mrs Trifle hasn’t brought her home yet,’ he thought as he looked at the darkened house. ‘Well, here goes. I only hope I can find that teddy bear in the dark because I’m not going to risk turning on lights.’
Selby reached up, turned the handle slowly with two paws and opened the door very quietly before slipping inside.
‘I’ll just stand here a minute till my eyes get used to the dark,’ he said out loud. ‘Hmmm, I wonder where that bedroom is.’
Suddenly Selby sensed something strange. As his eyes adjusted to the dark he saw shapes around him moving slightly. Then suddenly the lights went on and Selby was surrounded by people wearing paper party hats and throwing streamers.
‘Surprise! Surprise! Happy birthday!’ they all cheered and then they suddenly went silent at the sight of Selby.
Selby froze.
‘Oh, no!’ he screamed in his brain. ‘I’ve walked into a surprise birthday party for Aunt Jetty! That was the “part two” that Mrs Trifle was talking about and the reason for all those phone calls! Mrs Trifle took her to a restaurant and then she must be going to bring her back here to be surprised! That little brat Willy knew this! He set me up! Now everyone’s seen me opening a door and they even heard me talk! Now they know I’m not just an ordinary non-talking non-door-opening dog! What am I going to do? Oh well, when in doubt run for it!’