by Robert Bevan
He raised his hand over the bar, pointing down toward the mess. His fingers twisted around each other, which looked extremely painful for a split-second, until his hand turned into a miniature whirlwind at the end of his arm. He lowered it onto the bar, sweeping up all of the beer, broken glass, and the salt he hadn’t bothered cleaning up before. He lowered his swirling hand under the bar. When he raised it again, it was a normal hand, holding a tray with three new glasses.
Tim, Julian, and Cooper applauded while Bazuul filled their new glasses.
While Tim sucked the foam off the top of his fresh glass, Bazuul waved one hand over the other, producing four more silver spoons spread out like a fan. “Can I offer you good people a taste of the pukka puk—”
“Whaaaa!” cried Gabruk from what must have been close to the top of the cavern stairs. “Oh! Ooh! Ah! Eee! Ugh! Oh! Ow! Ugh! Ooooh!” Each exclamation was nearer than the last. The final one sounded like it was just beyond the pukka pukka tree. “Oh, my head. I’m okay.” His breathing was labored. “I’m okay. I just need a moment to –”
NEIGH!
THUNK!
“Oomph!”
SMACK!
Thud.
Silence.
Julian’s face turned pale. “Oh no.” He, Cooper, and Tim hurried around the tree with Dave waddling behind.
“Fuck,” said Tim. The scene didn’t leave a whole lot to the imagination. Gabruk sat on the floor against the wall, his head slumped forward. His chest was caved in with a hole about the size of a hoof, and there was a splatter of blood on the wall, smearing down from where the back of the dwarf’s head hit the wall down to where he now sat.
Julian pulled on his ears. “Everybody knows you’re not supposed to stand behind a horse. They spook easily!”
Tim glared at him. “Just get the goddamn horse out of –” The horse disappeared. “What happened? Did I do that?”
Julian shook his head. “The spell duration timed out.”
“Thanks, horse,” said Tim. “Perfect timing, asshole. Dave! Where the hell are –”
“I’m right here!” Dave put his palm on the top of Gabruk’s head. “I heal thee. I heal thee!” He shook his head. “Sorry, guys. He’s gone.”
Felicia started screaming from back near the bar. Her voice was fast and excited, and clearly very upset, but she was too far away for Tim to be able to make out what she was saying.
Julian shivered in spite of the sweat beading on his brow. “What are we going to tell Felicia?” he whispered. “I just killed her fiancé!”
“It’s not all your fault,” said Dave.
“That’s right,” said Cooper. “Dave fucked up his healing spell too.”
Dave glared up at Cooper. “I was talking about you, asshole. Look at his boot.”
Cooper looked down at Julian’s boots. “Um… Sweet boots, Julian. What are those? Deer leather?”
“Not Julian’s!” said Dave. “Look at Gabruk’s boot. Recognize anything?” Everyone looked at Gabruk’s boots. The bottom of his left boot was smeared with greenish-brown shit. “He slipped in your shit-puddle. That’s what sent him bouncing down the stairs.”
Felicia’s screaming subsided as suddenly as it had started.
Tim patted down Gabruk’s pockets. “Man, he’d be pissed to know that’s what did him in.”
“What are you doing?” asked Julian.
“I’m looting his corpse.”
“Doesn’t that seem… I don’t know… kind of –”
“This is Caverns and Creatures. That’s just what you do when someone dies.” He pulled a small brass bell out of the front pocket of the dead dwarf’s overalls. “Three wishes, and he doesn’t have a goddamn cent on him.” He pocketed the bell.
“May I have his eyes, then?” asked Ravenus, perched on a branch of the pukka pukka tree.
“No!” snapped Julian.
They walked back around the tree as solemnly as if they were walking toward their own executions.
Felicia was passed out on the floor.
Bazuul grinned at them from behind the bar. “Why so glum, chums?”
Julian stepped forward. “I’m sorry. Gabruk–”
“—took a nasty tumble down the stairs,” said Dave. “I patched him up. He’ll be okay, but he’s going to take a little nap for a while.”
“Super!” said Bazuul. “Who’s up for another round?”
“We are!” said Dave, more enthusiastically than he’d ever said anything as long as Tim had known him.
“Dude,” said Tim out of the corner of his mouth. “Now may not be the best time –”
“I have an idea,” said Dave, less convincingly, out of the corner of his mouth.
Bazuul didn’t seem to pick up on their secret conversation. He lined up their glasses and spilled beer into them, as well as all over the bar.
“Hey!” said Dave, once the beers had been poured. “You know what I’d like to see right now?”
“Your mom’s hairy balls?” suggested Cooper.
Bazuul sprayed the whole bar with beer from his nose and mouth.
Dave sucked in his pride and continued. “I’d like to see Bazuul and Cooper arm-wrestle. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
“Yeah,” said Tim.
“Woo-hoo,” said Julian.
Bazuul flexed his huge arms. “What do you say, half-orc?”
“Uh… sure.” Cooper put his elbow on the bar and held open his hand.
As soon as Bazuul locked hands with Cooper, Dave grabbed Julian’s arm, pulled him down, and started feverishly whispering in his ear.
When Dave had said what he had to say, Julian straightened up. “I don’t think that’s going to work. I mean, he’s drunk, but he’s not that drunk.”
“He might be!”
“Excuse me, Mr. Bazuul?” said Julian.
Bazuul and Cooper were surprisingly evenly matched, their joined hands trembling above the bar.
“Yes?” said Bazuul. His voice was strained.
“What happened to Felicia?”
“She… had… some kind of… panic attack.” The tendons in Bazuul’s neck were taut as he spoke. “‘Where am I? Who are you? Why am I wearing this?’Crazy drunk talk. She’s kind of a lightweight for a dwarf. I cast a Sleep spell on her.”
Dave pulled Julian down to his level again. “He doesn’t even understand why Felicia snapped out of her trance. He is that drunk!”
“I’m… really… angry!” said Cooper. His body hulked out in Barbarian Rage, and the tide of arm-battle started to swing his way.
“That’s cheating!” said Bazuul.
“No, it isn’t!”
“Then neither is this!” Bazuul’s arm morphed into a gigantic black tentacle, with which he threw Cooper into the pukka pukka tree, knocking the whole thing over and revealing the dead dwarf.
“Ow!” cried Cooper, struggling in the branches. “Fuck, that hurt!”
Dave looked up at Julian. “Hurry up!”
“Ventriloquism,” Julian whispered. He cleared his throat and cupped his hand around the side of his mouth. When he spoke next, in a pretty terrible Gabruk impersonation, his voice came from Gabruk’s dead body. “Oh, Bazuul! I’m ready to make my third wish!”
Bazuul floated over the bar and toward Gabruk’s body. “Very well, master. State your wish. Try to make it an easy one. I’ve had a lot to drink.”
“I wish to be alive!”
Bazuul rubbed his chin. “Hmph. I think that’s a first for me. There’s something weird about that, but I can’t quite put my finger on… Ah, whatever. A wish is a wish.” He snapped his fingers. “Your wish is granted!”
Gabruk’s sternum crunched back into shape and the hoof dent disappeared as he raised his head and sucked in a deep, wheezy breath of air. As he exhaled, his head slumped forward again, but his chest was moving. He was alive, but unconscious.
Bazuul shrugged. “He wished to be alive, not awake.” He began to rummage through Gabruk’s pockets while Dave and
Julian returned to their drinks. Coming up empty, he searched more frantically.
Tim didn’t know why a djinn, who could conjure up anything he wanted with the snap of his fingers, was so hell-bent on squeezing every last copper piece out of a dwarf’s clothes, but he admired his thoroughness. When Bazuul magicked Gabruk’s clothes off and started shaking them vigorously, leaving the unconscious dwarf naked on the floor, Tim decided enough was enough.
“Don’t bother, man,”he said, taking the bell out of his pocket. “I cleaned him out earlier. He didn’t have anything on him but this stupid bell.” He gave it a little jingle.
Bazuul turned around and looked at Tim like he was made of spiders. “No!”
“What’s wrong?” said Tim. “What’d I do?”
The djinn narrowed his eyes, then smiled. “Nothing. I was thinking of something else. It’s the drink. Let’s carry on then, shall we?”
Tim shrugged. “Sounds good to me.”
“I’ll admit when I’m wrong,” Julian said to Dave. “That was a good idea you had. Cheers.” He raised his glass.
“Hmph,” said Dave, abandoning his fake enthusiasm. He listlessly clinked his glass against Julian’s. “Cheers.”
“What’s wrong with you, man? I was paying you a compliment.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Dave gulped back the last of his beer. “I’m a dwarf. This stuff might as well be water. I wish we were drinking stonepiss.”
Bazuul grinned in a way that made the hairs on the back of Tim’s neck stand up. “Your wish is granted. You were drinking stonepiss.” He snapped his fingers.
Tim’s stomach began to churn. “What? What’s going on?” Thoughts raced around inside his booze-addled brain. The bell binds the djinn? I rang the bell. Why did Dave get a wish? Holy shit! All that beer I drank is turning into hard liquor inside me. He knew he didn’t have much time to present an argument, and that Bazuul wasn’t likely to care, but he had to try. “Subjunctive!” he cried. “SUBJUNCTIVE! SUB-BLAAUUUUURRRRRGGGGGHHH” Vomit spewed out of him like his mouth was a busted fire hydrant.
Julian was next, followed by Cooper. The three of them hosed down everything in sight with puke you could fuel a jet with.
“Hey guys,” said Dave. “Maybe you should take it easy on the *hiccup* sauce.”
Tim wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but it came out as “BLAAUUUURRRRGGGGHHH”. Julian and Cooper offered similar retorts.
When Tim’s guts had given all they had to give, a wave of darkness washed over him, from which he feared he may never return.
*
Tim returned, but immediately wished he hadn’t. He woke up with a headache he wouldn’t wish on Hitler. Every heartbeat pounded inside his head like one of those big-ass marching band drums. And then there was the sucking and slurping, like two dire slugs fucking inside his ear canal.
“What the fuck is that noise?” said Tim, opening his eyes. Two hairy beasts were wrestling on the sofa, one with red hair and the other with black. No, that wasn’t quite right. It was Dave and Felicia, and they were naked.
“Oh my god.” Tim turned away and tried to throw up. He was past empty. He heaved and heaved, but not even a tendril of spit escaped his lips. “Dave!” he groaned. “What the fuck did you do?”
“How about some privacy, huh?” said Dave, and resumed his walrus mating ritual.
How long had Tim been out? He looked around for something to anchor his mind. Cooper and Julian were still passed out on the floor. Julian’s foot was close enough to grab without moving, so Tim gave it a wiggle.
“Julian? Julian, are you okay?”
“Please don’t do that, sir,” said Ravenus from up on top of the bar. “My master doesn’t feel well.” He staggered to the edge of the bar. “Rise and shine, sir. We must get you hydrat—” He fell off the bar like a bag of rocks.
“Nnnngggg,” said Julian, then resumed sleeping. He was alive. That was good enough.
Now to check on Cooper. Tim couldn’t risk looking at Cooper without getting Dave and Felicia in this field of vision, so he – Dave and Felicia. How did…? He didn’t! He did.
“Dave, you selfish son of a bitch!”
Dave stopped slurping. “What?”
“You used another wish, didn’t you? On that fucking she-bear!”
“Hey, man. Watch your mouth. I’m a dwarf now. I don’t subscribe to the same ideals of beauty as you do.”
“Don’t get on your fucking soapbox with me. What about that sermon you gave Gabruk? You just mind-roofied his girl right after he did.”
“Uh-uh,” said Dave. “This is different. She loves me, and I love her.”
“Are you even listening to yourself? She doesn’t love you. She’s just in another wish trance, and you’re drunk as fuck.”
“I’m telling you, man. I didn’t use a wish!”
“Bullshit,” said Tim, pulling the bell out of his pocket. “I’ll settle this right now.Bazuul!” He rang the bell.
“Unnnnnggggghhhh,” said Cooper. “My head! Knock that shit off.”
“Hello, master,” said Bazuul, who appeared above Tim. His tone was different somehow, more businesslike. “And how are we feeling this morning?”
“Like shit,” said Tim. “Hey, listen. Dave claims he didn’t use a wish to get in Felicia’s pants over there, and I claim he’s a fucking liar. Can you tell us who’s right?”
“Of course I can,” said Bazuul. He raised his eyebrows. “Do you wish to know the answer?”
“Why the fuck would I have asked the question if I didn’t want to – Hang on a minute. Are you trying to trick me into blowing our last wish?”
Bazuul raised his palms innocently. “No trickery intended. I was simply stating the terms of the bargain. You may have the truth, but it will cost you a wish.”
Tim sat up. “It’s just a question, dude. When did you turn into a huge dick? I thought we were cool.”
“I thought so, too,” said Bazuul. “Right up until you decided to enslave me.”
“Listen, dude. I didn’t know about the bell! Oh, and that reminds me. Why does Dave get to make wishes when I’m the one who jingled the bell?”
Bazuul folded his arms. “You all had your parts to play in the ruse, and so you may split the three wishes among yourselves however you see fit.”
“What ruse?”
“It was very clever, I’ll grant you that. The half-orc defecates all over the top of the stairs, providing a nice frozen, slippery surface. The sorcerer’s horse is conveniently left at the bottom of the stairs. The dwarf gets me good and drunk.”
“You offered us the beer!”
“And the sneaky rogue swipes the bell away. Tell me, Tim. How long have you been planning this?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? The four of us couldn’t plan a goddamn barbecue without winding up on eight different terrorist watch lists. Do you realize how much planning what you’re proposing would take? Do we look like criminal masterminds to you?”
“Your bumbling idiots act is all part of the ruse. It is very convincing.”
“It’s no act, friend. We are the genuine article. Think about this. If we’re so smart, why would we blow our first wish nearly killing ourselves with alcohol poisoning?”
“Even geniuses make the occasional mistake. I merely took advantage of your friend’s slip of the tongue.”
“Speaking of slippin’ the tongue,” said Tim. “How about our second wish? You think the four of us all cooked up this master plan so that Dave could fuck Paul Prudhomme on your sofa?”
“I’m warning you, Tim!” said Dave. “One more crack about Felicia, and I’ll come over there and kick your ass!”
“Yeah, just put some clothes on first.”
“Sir!” said Ravenus, hopping on Julian’s chest. “You’d better wake up, sir. I don’t understand exactly what’s going on, but there could be trouble afoot.”
“Jesus,” said Cooper. “Could somebody shut that fucking bird up? I’m trying to sleep.
”
“Felicia!” cried Gabruk, having finally woken up. He either didn’t realize he was still naked, or he didn’t care. He had enough body hair so that it almost didn't matter. The tip of his dick was barely visible, peeking out from the thick salt-and-pepper crotch forest of pubes. “What have they done to you, my love?”
Tim sighed. “Fuck.”
“I’ll never love you, Gabruk!” said Felicia. “Not after what you’ve done to me!”
“Whatever they told you, my dear, it’s a damned lie!”
“Is it?” asked Dave. “Explain how she got here, then, if not for you wishing her here and dressing her up like your own personal whore!”
“At least when she was my whore, she was dressed!”
Tim and Bazuul exchanged a glance and a grimace.
Dave’s helmet flew across the room and hit Gabruk in the chest. Tim wasn’t sure whether it was Dave or Felicia who threw it, but it pushed the confrontation from run-of-the-mill drunk, naked, fat people fighting to full on Jerry Springer.
“I’ll kill you!” shouted Gabruk, nakedly waddle-running between Tim andBazuul. He tackled and straddled Dave’s nakedness, and they tried to strangle each other while Felicia nakedly pulled Gabruk’s hair.
“Didn’t you say you aren’t allowed to let harm come to those who command you?” Tim asked Bazuul.
Bazuul shrugged. “I removed all of your weapons when you arrived. I don’t foresee any serious harm coming to Dave. Are you honestly telling me you don’t want to watch this?”
“Not at all,” said Tim. “In fact, do you know what might make it even better?”
Bazuul looked at Tim inquisitively.
“Throw a Grease spell on the floor.”
“Hmm…”Bazuul nodded slowly. “I think I like where this is going.” He snapped his fingers.
Felicia’s feet slipped out from under her, and all of her weight came down on Gabruk, who found himself sandwiched between his rival and his former lover.
“Get off of me!” Dave croaked as he toppled the sandwich, sending Felicia across the floor on her belly like a fat hairy penguin on a Slip ‘N Slide.
Bazuul looked down at Tim. “Would you like to… um… grab a beer maybe?”