by A. T Brennan
It had felt so incredible, so much better than when she was alone. It was the combination of his hand pleasuring her and his body over hers. He’d wanted to make her feel good, and she’d felt connected to him.
The sex hadn’t been all that great. It had really hurt at first, and it had been over by the time she’d started to feel the beginning of pleasure, but that didn’t bother her. She might devour romance novels and binge watch romantic movies, but she wasn’t an idiot. She’d never thought her first time would be some sweeping and all-consuming pleasure fest. She hadn’t expected fireworks and endless orgasms. She’d expected pain and for it to feel weird.
She hoped it would get better over time. Maybe one day she’d be able to experience something close to fireworks and endless orgasms, but she knew it would be a long time before she would ever want to have sex again. When she did she would be doubling up on birth control until she made the decision to try to get pregnant on purpose.
She knew she had options, but she couldn’t make up her mind as to which one to do. Her rational mind told her having an abortion was the best for everyone. She was too young. She was completely unstable, and there was no way she could be a mother. She wasn’t ready and she was terrified of being pregnant and actually having to give birth.
Her emotional brain told her she had to keep it. She had to tell her parents, and she had to not only have it but raise it. She wouldn’t be the first eighteen-year-old to have a baby and she wouldn’t be the last.
Her common sense told her adoption was the way to go. She would be giving the baby a chance to have a better life with a family who wanted it. But the thought of giving up her baby was so surreal she couldn’t imagine actually being able to go through with it.
A week after she’d found out, she’d gone to the drug store and bought prenatal vitamins and had hidden them in an old piggy bank in her room. She went online and checked out what she was supposed to do to make sure she was being healthy and was more surprised with the lists of don’ts she found.
She wasn’t a big drinker and she didn’t smoke, but there were so many things she wasn’t supposed to eat, be around, or expose herself to. It seemed like the more research she did the more confused she became.
Three weeks after her grad ceremony she realized she couldn’t go through with an abortion. She didn’t fault anyone who chose that route, and she was grateful she had the option. She just couldn’t do it.
As hard as it would be, adoption was the best choice for her. Two weeks before she was supposed to leave for school, she made an appointment with her doctor to talk about if it was even possible to be pregnant and in school, or if she would have to drop out for the year.
She still hadn’t told anyone. She was just over two months along. The symptoms were only just starting to show, so she knew she could hide it for a while.
Her doctor had been very understanding and had given her hope. As long as she took care of herself and kept up with her medical appointments, and stayed away from the partying and the drinking, then he saw no reason she couldn’t go to school pregnant.
He did recommend she only go for the first semester. Based on her dates he estimated her due date would be February twenty-eighth, and she would need more support than she would be able to get at school.
He’d examined her and ordered STI tests for her. She might have been a virgin, but Clay hadn’t been, and the doctor wanted to make sure she hadn’t been passed anything from him. She hadn’t even thought of that. She’d been so wrapped up with getting pregnant she hadn’t thought about how he could have given her something else.
That thought had caused a whole new cascade of worry and doubt, and she’d had one more thing to add to her list of things clogging up her mind.
He also scheduled an ultrasound.
She didn’t know how she felt about the ultrasound. She wanted to see it, to make sure everything was fine, but she was scared. She was afraid of what seeing it would do to her, and how it would become real.
Right now her only confirmation was the half-dozen pregnancy tests she’d taken in the first week. Other than a few mornings where her stomach felt more sour than sick, very tender breasts, and days where she was absolutely exhausted, she was symptom free. Her stomach looked the same and her body felt the same. She could still tell herself the tests had been wrong and the symptoms were something unrelated.
Seeing the ultrasound would change everything, and she didn’t know if she was ready.
* * * *
Clay felt as though he was lost.
He’d finished high school. He’d managed to mostly keep out of trouble. And he’d done what he could to help at home and not be a complete dick to his family.
Everyone was leaving for school, and he felt as though he was the only one who was staying in town. He didn’t have too much to do in order to prepare for school. His program was a year of class time, and then he was looking at a three-year apprenticeship for basic qualifications and five for advanced level certification.
He’d been accepted into the program, and he was pretty sure he could get through the classes with no problem. He might not have graduated at the top of his class, but he wasn’t an idiot.
He’d found his classes in high school boring, so he’d never bothered to apply himself. He didn’t really study; he didn’t always do homework; and he didn’t always go to class, but that didn’t mean he didn’t understand what he was being taught. His math grades were excellent. Even without studying it was easy to get good grades in math, at least for him.
He’d done his work in class, done the homework he’d wanted to do, and then aced the tests. He knew it was that grade that had gotten him into his program, because it certainly wasn’t his English grades. He hated classes where you could be sort of right but also be kind of wrong. He liked black-and-white answers, not gray areas where it was all about interpretation and presenting arguments. He liked facts and he liked numbers. He didn’t like reading a poem about a sheep and then discussing how it wasn’t about sheep at all, but about the state of the world in the post-war era.
He had no patience or time for those kinds of things, so it was good he wanted to work with his hands and work in a trade that required a lot of dexterity and logical thinking. He was already getting some training under his belt.
Unlike most of the kids at his school, he had to work to help support himself. His grandparents were pensioners, but his grandfather still did contract work from time to time to bring in extra money because his mother barely made enough to support herself.
He’d started working in junior high, as soon as he could legally get hired, and he’d been at his current job for two years. He worked the counter at a tire and lube shop, and he’d worked it out with his boss that he could move into one of their apprentice spots when he graduated. He didn’t make a ton of money and he worked a lot of weekend and evening hours, but he liked his job. He enjoyed being around cars. He liked the guys at the shop, and he was already learning about the trade. Several of the older guys had started showing him basics when they’d found out he was going to go to school. He also liked how working gave him a little bit of freedom, and it gave him an escape from being home. He’d never been into sports and wasn’t into clubs or activities. If he wasn’t hanging out with his friends, then he was at home. Going to work was an escape from everything. It was really the only time he could escape.
He hadn’t seen Jenna since that night in his car.
He still felt badly. She might have said everything was cool between them, but he wasn’t sure she’d been telling him the truth. She’d seemed off as he’d driven her home, and it seemed to go beyond being angry at him or processing what he’d told her. She seemed afraid of something, as though something was wearing her down.
He didn’t know what to do. He could call her and try to talk to her again, but he didn’t think she’d want to talk to him. He wouldn’t if he was her. They didn’t have any mutual frien
ds, so he couldn’t casually ask about her. He had no idea if she worked, so he couldn’t accidentally meet up with her at her job to see how she was.
He’d really fucked up. He’d half expected a call telling him she was pregnant. She hadn’t said anything that night in his car, and she hadn’t tried to call him since, so he had to assume everything was fine.
He knew the odds were low, but he’d spent almost a month in a constant state of panic. For the first two weeks after their grad, he’d almost had a panic attack every time the phone had rung, and for the two weeks following he’d still jumped whenever he heard the ringer go off.
After more than two months he figured she would have told him if there was anything to tell. She would know, and she would have told him.
A part of him wanted to see her one more time. Just to make sure she was fine, and so their last meeting could at least be a little positive. But he didn’t know how she would take that. He might want to see her, but he would bet money she didn’t want to see him.
It was time to put it behind him and move on. He’d made a mistake. He’d given in to the overwhelming desire he’d felt for her in the moment, and he hadn’t taken a chance to even pause.
He’d always found her interesting, and when she’d literally flown into his arms on the stairs he’d been shocked, and a little amused. As they’d talked in the bedroom he’d remembered how they’d been friends when they were kids. He’d really started to look at her as she’d been talking about not knowing what she wanted to do with her life. She’d been captivating, and he’d wanted her.
He’d lost himself with her. He’d started running his hand up her leg, wanting to tease her and to see her squirm a little. He’d wanted to play with her a bit and maybe kiss her before going back to the party. Then she’d looked at him with passion-glazed eyes, her perfect lips parted as she’d gasped. He’d wanted more than a kiss.
He knew he’d moved way too fast. He hadn’t been thinking straight, and he’d wanted to be inside her so badly he’d rushed things. He could only imagine how much he’d hurt her when he’d entered her. He’d moved so fast and hard he hadn’t had a chance to feel if anything was different. He hadn’t felt her hymen break, and he should have. He’d felt it before.
The sex for him had been incredible. Being with her had been amazing. Being inside her had been heaven. He’d been consumed by her, and he’d completely given in to the moment and everything he was experiencing, which was different for him.
Something always made him hold back. He didn’t know if it was because of what happened when he was sixteen or if he just had a perpetual need to be in control of things. Even when he would mess around with someone he would hold back and keep tight control over himself.
He’d been with Tanya for a year, and he’d never even been able to let go with her, not once in all that time. Jenna had looked at him a certain way, and he’d been lost in her. He’d connected with her on a level that went beyond the physical. For the first time in his life he’d opened up completely with someone, and he’d done it without a second thought.
He had no idea what it meant, but the moment was gone and it would never happen again. She was going to move on with her life, forget all about him. He would try to forget about her.
* * * *
Jenna had a plan.
It had taken her up until the day before her parents were going to drive her to school to figure out what and how she was going to tell them.
She would tell them tonight over dinner. She would tell them about her plan to go to school for the first semester and then come home in the second. She’d already started researching adoption agencies, and she was ready to start contacting them.
She was going to go back to school for a spring/summer session to make up for the semester she would miss and then continue on in the fall so she could graduate on time. The student medical center would take over her prenatal care, and she qualified for a single room. She just had to wait until she got to the residence to apply for one of their emergency/reserve rooms.
She knew the only thing wrong with her plan was the fact that she wasn’t telling Clay. He deserved to know, he had a right to know, and she was sure she was breaking not only etiquette, but maybe even some laws by not telling him.
The thought of telling him now was too much, so she was going to tell him when she came back after her first semester. It was cowardly and it wasn’t right to keep it from him for so long, but it was the only way she could keep her sanity right now. She knew the baby was half his and he had rights, but she had to stick to her plan in order to make it through the day.
Her parents were going to be crushed, and they were going to be devastated. She’d always been their good girl, and she’d never done anything wrong. Her brother was the fuckup. Now she was the one who’d done the ultimate fuckup.
She was grateful both her parents were working. It was barely noon, and she was pacing the floors, trying to calm down and find a way to keep her nerves at bay so she could talk to them.
One thing she was really looking forward to was not having to pretend anymore. She was so tired of half-truths and feeling isolated and alone. It would be a huge relief to finally be able to talk to someone and let someone in. Keeping everything to herself was slowly tearing her apart, and she needed someone to lean on. She needed her mother.
When she’d gone to the ultrasound alone and seen the tiny little heartbeat she’d been terrified and in awe at the same time. That moment had been life altering for her, and she’d been alone. She was still a kid herself, and she needed her mother more than any other time in her life.
Her plan was in place. There were a dozen different things that could go wrong and everything hinged on her parents being able to come to terms with her plan and supporting it.
She was feeling off. She wasn’t quite sure what was wrong, but she felt a little strange. She was a little lightheaded, a little off balance, and her stomach hurt. It wasn’t the usual sour feeling she’d been experiencing, and it wasn’t like nausea. It was almost like a very gentle stomach cramp.
She hadn’t eaten anything other than some crackers and cheese, so she was probably hungry. And she’d forgotten to take her vitamin. She would get a drink of water, get something to eat, and sit down. Then she would feel better, and she would be that much closer to all of the lies being over.
She made it to the kitchen door when she was hit with a very strong cramp, and it wasn’t in her stomach. It was lower. It was deep inside her, almost like a very sharp period cramp. But it couldn’t be.
Her stomach flipped over, and she was suddenly overcome with the urge to vomit. She hadn’t been sick yet so it was only a matter of time before it happened.
She fought the feeling and rushed down the hall to the bathroom. She made it a second before she was sick and managed to get over the toilet in time.
It wasn’t until she was leaning back that she felt another strong cramp. A sharp, knifelike pain and then something wet against her thigh.
Her mind went numb as her body cramped again, and she looked down at her tan shorts and saw something that made her body go cold.
There was blood on her shorts.
The numbness overtook her, and she started to move on autopilot, out of instinct rather than choice. She got up and pulled down her shorts and sat on the toilet. She was aware of what was happening on one level, but she blocked it out and let her body do what it was naturally going to do.
She didn’t know how long she sat on the toilet, but when the pain stopped it was a bit longer before the shock started to fade enough for her to focus. She didn’t need to look into the toilet, and she didn’t want to.
She’d miscarried. She knew it, she’d felt it, and she didn’t need to see it.
* * * *
It had taken her a long time to start to deal with what had happened. She’d taken a long shower, had thrown out her ruined clothes, and had cleaned up the best she could.
She knew she should go to a doctor, but she couldn’t bring herself to go.
She knew what had happened. It was over and she knew there was nothing that could be done. There was no point in going to the ER because they would tell her exactly what she already knew.
Instead she needed to focus on the facts. She wasn’t pregnant anymore. She hadn’t told anyone so there was no one she had to tell about the miscarriage. She didn’t need to tell her parents. She didn’t need to come home after the first semester, and she never needed to see Clay again. He never needed to know and she would never tell anyone.
She needed to forget the past few months, and she needed to stop thinking about it. She didn’t know why it had happened. She knew she’d always wonder if she should have done something differently or if it was her fault, but at that moment she needed to look at things in a detached way.
Her life had been reset. She was in the exact place she would have been in this moment if she and Clay had never hooked up. She was going to go to school. She was going to leave this town behind her and start over. She was done with her life here, and she was going to make a new one for herself.
And she was going to do it alone.
Chapter 5
Spring Break
2008—College
“YOU know, Jen, you must really be the worst person ever.”
“Fuck off, Dan.”
“Two years away and you still can’t make any friends.”
“Shut up.”
“Loser.” Her brother just grinned at her from across the living room.
“Like you’re one to talk,” she shot back, rolling her eyes at his obnoxious face.
“What? I have friends.”
“So do I.”
“Then what the hell are you going on about?”