by A. T Brennan
“I need something different. Even when all of this was happening my job was my anchor. It kept me in the city, and it was the reason I didn’t give up. Now that’s gone, and I don’t feel any connection to the city.”
“Are you thinking of moving home?”
“Yeah. My family is here. I miss them, and I want to be with them. I want to see the twins—”
“Twins?”
“Dan and Ellie had twins.” She shifted to look up at him. “I feel so separate from them. I guess it’s time to admit I failed.”
“Failed? How did you fail?”
“I didn’t make it. I left to make my own life, and I’m coming back to my old one.”
“Do you think I failed for never leaving?” he asked, but his voice wasn’t angry.
“No, not at all. You’ve made it here.”
“So why would you making it here be a fail?” He kissed her hair again. “You lived there for a while, and you decided to come home. That’s not a fail.”
She smiled at his words. She’d been feeling like such a failure. It was nice to hear that he just saw her as moving from place to place, not being forced to give up.
She felt his arm tighten around her and made a snap decision. If he rejected her she would be devastated, but she wanted him.
She shifted in his arms so she could slide onto his lap, straddling him as she moved her body up against his.
“Jenna.” He groaned as his hands gripped her hips.
“Clay.” She sighed as she ran her hands through his hair.
He opened his mouth to say something, but she just bent her head and caught his lips under hers, silencing his words with her kiss.
He groaned against her mouth as his hands moved to the small of her back, pulling her even closer. Now there was absolutely no space between them, and she could feel him growing hard against her thigh.
She reached down, wedging her arm between them so she could cup him in her hand. Right now she needed him. She wanted him so badly, and she needed to feel him inside her.
“Jenna.” He grunted softly when she gripped him through his pants.
“I want you, Clay,” she whispered. “I want you, right now.”
He looked as though he was going to say something again. She just gripped him tighter, and he nodded.
She climbed off him and stripped off her pants as he reached into his pocket for his wallet. He pulled out a condom and tossed the wallet on the floor as she knelt in front of him. She undid the button on his jeans and was about to pull down the zipper when he pushed her hands away.
She looked at him and saw the passion and lust in his gaze and waited as he ripped open his pants and pushed them down so he could pull himself free. She watched with hungry eyes as he ripped open the condom and rolled it on.
When he was ready, she stood and climbed over him, reaching down to place him at her opening as she straddled him. She needed him inside her, and she didn’t want to wait.
She cried out softly as she lowered herself onto him, and when he was fully sheathed in her she sighed.
Locking her eyes on his she started to move her hips, sliding over him as she rubbed herself against his pelvis. He just gripped her hips and slid down a little farther on the couch to give them more room.
He felt incredible as he filled her, and the friction was amazing. When he started to guide her hips, pushing and pulling her over him she let her head fall back as she gave herself over to the pleasure.
“Oh yes!” she cried out as she felt her body tighten and pleasure started to ripple through her. “Oh God yes!”
“Fuck.” He stared at her with naked lust in his eyes as he watched her, still pulling her over him.
“Oh fuck!” Her orgasm hit her hard and fast. One moment she was sliding over him and it felt amazing. The next she was overcome with pleasure as her orgasm exploded in her.
She fell against him as she shook and cried out. He just pulled her tight against his body and held her.
When the pleasure passed, he swung them around so she was lying on the couch with him over her. She lifted her legs and wrapped them around his waist as he started to thrust inside her, hard and fast.
“Oh God, Jenna.” He groaned as he looked down at her.
“Yes, Clay!” She could feel his muscles tightening as his pace became erratic. She knew he was close. “Yes,” she encouraged.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, come for me,” she whispered. A moment later he jerked against her, nearly falling on her as he cried out her name.
She held his body against hers as she closed her eyes, basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking. It was true he was a bit heavy on her, but she didn’t want him to move. She wanted this closeness with him as she memorized him.
After a long while he shifted, pulling her up so he could lie on the couch with her nearly on top of him. She rested her head on his chest and smiled when she heard his heartbeat next to her ear.
His arms tightened around her, and she let her eyes flutter closed as she sighed. The sex had been great, but this was what meant the most to her. The intimacy of this moment was what she needed, and it was perfect.
Chapter 20
Hooked
CLAY didn’t know when he fell asleep, but when he woke up he could feel Jenna against him. She was still wrapped up in his arms, and she was breathing deeply. She’d fallen asleep too.
He was torn. Being with her had been amazing, but he couldn’t keep doing this.
It was really the first time she’d taken the lead and shown him how much she wanted him. It was the first time when she’d been the aggressor. He’d loved how open and free and uninhibited she’d been with him.
He didn’t know if it was because he was familiar and they’d been together before, or if it was because she trusted him enough to let go. Either way it had been incredible, but it had to be the last time.
Waking up with her in his arms, holding her as she slept, was perfect. This moment meant more to him than sex. If he couldn’t have this with her, then he had to walk away.
After ten years of bouncing back and forth he was done.
He loved her. There was no way he could deny it anymore. He couldn’t keep being with her without telling her how he felt. He knew it could be the thing that drove her away from him for good, but he had to do it.
He needed her in his life as a partner or not at all. The back and forth was over. This was it.
He felt her stirring in his arms and held her close as she woke up slowly. After a moment she looked up at him, smiling, and he smiled back. He couldn’t be sure, but he thought he saw tenderness and something else in her gaze. Affection maybe?
“I didn’t realize how tired I was.” She rested her head on his shoulder.
“Me either.” He smiled. “This was nice, though, waking up together.”
“It was.” She nodded and blushed softly.
“I should go to the bathroom,” he said regretfully as he noticed he was still wearing the condom. He didn’t know how long he’d slept, but things were very dry down there, and he needed to clean up.
“Of course.” She nodded and started to sit up.
It took a little maneuvering to get them both sitting on the couch again. Before he stood up he gave her a quick kiss and smiled before heading into the bathroom.
He had no idea how he was going to bring things up or how he was going to say it, but he had to find a way.
* * * *
She heard water running and reached down to grab her pants. She suddenly felt very exposed now that she was half naked and alone.
She had no idea what she was doing. She’d just had sex with the man she was in love with, and she hadn’t asked for anything other than an orgasm and some cuddling
After ten years of going back and forth, only seeing each other every few years or so, she was done. She was moving home, and they would be in the same place. She had no idea wha
t he was thinking or what he wanted, but it would be the first time in a decade they would be in close proximity.
Would she be the backup he called when he was horny and out of options? Would she be the convenient lay he would fall back on when he was lonely? Was this it for them?
She knew talking about such heavy things and laying their emotions out had made them both vulnerable. She’d needed comfort when he’d held her, but she hadn’t been seeking comfort when they’d had sex.
They’d both ended fucked-up relationships around the same time. She’d stayed away from men and sex, but she had no idea what he’d been up to. She didn’t know if he was seeing anyone or if he was interested in anyone. All she knew was that she loved him, and he was fond of her.
She sighed as she contemplated pouring herself another glass of wine. It was still early. She wasn’t even feeling a buzz from the first glass. She heard the water turn off and decided against another drink.
For all she knew he’d come out of the bathroom, say something nice, and politely ask her to leave. Hell, he could even have a date to get ready for.
Every doubt she’d ever had about herself came back to her in a flash, and she had to get out of there. She wanted to leave with a good memory. She wanted to take the feeling of waking up next to him with her, not him dismissing her.
She was just about to grab her purse when he came out of the bathroom.
“Jenna?” he asked as he looked at her. “Are you all right?”
“What? Yeah, fine.” She tried to keep her voice light and her face neutral. “Why?”
“You look like you’re about to jump out of your skin.” He moved toward her, but before he could sit with her she jumped up.
“I’m fine.”
“Jenna?”
“I…” Her plan had been to leave. To make up some excuse why she had to go and leave, but as she stood there staring at him she couldn’t seem to make her body move.
“Jen, what is it?” He stepped closer to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “What’s going on with you?”
“I…”
“Come on, sit down and relax. Whatever it is, you can tell me.” He gently guided her so she was sitting on the couch and sat next to her. He didn’t moved to put his arm over her, but he did shift so he was facing her. “What’s going on in your head right now?”
“I can’t explain it.” How could she tell him she needed to leave before he broke her heart? He didn’t even know he was holding it.
“Is it something to do with your ex? Are you afraid—”
“No, I haven’t thought about him since I stopped talking about it.” She shook her head.
“Is it me? Do you regret—”
“Not for a second.” She shook her head a little harder. “No, this has nothing to do with you.”
“Then what?”
“It’s everything,” she lied. “Just a lot of crap in my head, and you caught me in a moment of panic.”
He looked at her as though he wasn’t sure he believed her, but he just nodded.
“You’ll figure it out.” He smiled and leaned back on the couch. “You’re incredibly strong. You’ll bounce back from all of this and be stronger and even more amazing.”
Her breath caught at his words, and she smiled at him. He thought she was amazing?
“You’ll bounce back too.” She leaned back, feeling calmer. He didn’t seem to be in any rush to get her to leave. In fact, he seemed to want her to stay.
“I hope so. Maybe this is just the kick I need to look at my other options.” He sighed. “Maybe I need a change too.”
“Would you ever leave? Move away?” she asked quietly as she looked at him.
“No.” He shook his head. “It might not be the thumping metropolis the city is, but it’s home. I like it here, and I don’t want to leave my Nan.”
“How’s she doing?”
“Hanging on.” He smiled. “She’s really liking the center now. She’s officially dating her beau so she has more family in her life.”
“That’s really great.”
“Yeah. He’s a really nice guy. He has four daughters and two sons, and they have a crap load of kids. They’ve adopted her as their grandmother, so she’s never alone.”
“That has to be a little hard on you, though.”
“A little.” He nodded. “I feel shitty for not being completely happy for her.”
“And you feel a little left out?”
“Yeah, that’s exactly it.”
“What about your mom? Are you still close?”
“Not really.” He sighed. “She’s got her step-kids and her husband. She has the life she should have had.”
“What do you mean?”
“When she had me it put her life on hold. She was thirty-three when I left home. At that age a lot of women have only just started their families, and she was an empty nester.”
“My parents were older when they had me.” She nodded. “They had Dan when Mom was twenty-six and then me when she was thirty-three. To this day I don’t know if I was planned or an accident.”
“I was definitely an accident.” He laughed. “But now she’s in her forties, she’s married to a good guy, and she’s got kids to raise. No one looks at her when she’s out with them.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“When I was a kid she never really was a mother to me in public. My grandparents were the ones who went to parent-teacher interviews, took me to birthday parties, and went to my Little League games. It wasn’t until I was in high school that she started to take a more active role. I know part of it was her age. She was so young, people didn’t take her seriously as a mom. But there was also a part of her that hated how her life was over before she’d really gotten to live it.”
“How do you know that?”
“I heard her, a lot. People tend to forget how walls aren’t soundproof. I overheard a lot of stuff she’d say over the phone.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It is what it is.” He shrugged. “She’s happy and I’m happy for her. I had her when I needed her, now she can be there for them.”
“And your grandma?”
“A few years ago I was worried every call would be the center telling me she was gone. I don’t worry anymore. She got a new start when she found a second family, and that’s kept her alive.”
She put her hand on his and smiled at him. “You’re an amazing guy, you know that?”
“How so?”
“Your heart.” She didn’t know why she was going there, but she had to tell him. “You’re so caring and kind. You’re the best person I know.”
“But you don’t really know me.”
“I think I know you a lot better than most other people in my life,” she said honestly. “I’ve known you since we were eight. We’ve had this crazy thing going on for the past ten years. Is there honestly anyone else in your life you’ve known for twenty years?”
“No, no one even close to that.”
“I’ve seen you in some tough times and some good ones. More tough than good, mind you.” She grinned. “But you’ve never really changed.”
He gripped her hand in his as he shifted to face her. “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, Jen. I mean that.” He hurried on when she started to look away. “It’s not lip service or because you said it first. I’ve always thought so.”
“You have?” She searched his eyes, trying to see if he was lying to her at all.
“Yes, ever since we were kids.”
She smiled as his gaze moved from her eyes to her lips and back again.
She had no idea what any of this meant, but she needed to feel him again. As his eyes returned to her lips, she slid closer on the couch, leaning in slightly as she invited his kiss.
The moment his lips touched hers, she sighed and shifted even closer to him, her arms wrapping around him as she pulled him closer.
As she kissed him she tried to show him how she felt. She poured every emotion she could into the kiss and tried to tell him how much she loved him with her body. She might never get to say the words to him, but she could show him.
“Jenna, wait.” He pulled away from her.
“What? Why?” she asked as she was hit with a wave of self-doubt. After just having sex with her and kissing her like that, he was rejecting her? “You don’t want me?” She started to pull away, but he held her tight.
“No, it’s not that. I want you, Jenna. I want you so fucking bad right now.”
“Then what?”
“I can’t do this if I’m just a lay. I can’t be your backup anymore.” He shook his head as he looked at her. “I can’t be the guy you come to when you need someone. I can’t just be that guy anymore—”
“Clay—”
“I love you, Jenna.” He rushed on. “I’m in love with you, and if you’re just looking for—”
She cut him off with a kiss as her heart swelled and a rush of joy went through her. He loved her?
“Jenna?” he asked when she pulled away.
“You’ve never been a backup, Clay. You’ve never been that guy to me,” she said honestly as she smiled at him. “I love you, Clay. I have for a long time.”
He stared up at her in shock.
“I love you,” she repeated. Now that she’d said it she had to tell him again.
This time when he pulled her up against his body it was in a deep and strong hug. She could hear his heartbeat as she nestled against his strong chest. It wasn’t until she felt him shaking slightly that she grew concerned.
“Clay? What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine.” He pulled away to look at her.
“You’re shaking.”
“Pent-up adrenaline.” He grinned at her. “I was so sure you were going to run out of here screaming that my defenses went up.”