My heart clenches, I can’t stop the tears that are now falling from my eyes. A smaller framed fish tailed surf board. It stands about 3 feet taller than Lyon, big enough for him to control easily, but also will be perfect for when he grows. Its slick never waxed surfaced gleams at us. I stand up from the couch to walking over to see the detail up close. There is a lion in the middle of the board; big and beautiful with a mane that looks like it is blowing in the breeze. The colors of the lion fit perfectly into the yellow orange color lacquer of the board. There are two massive wings sprouting from the lions back, and as I get closer, I notice something small written towards the bottom of each of the wings. My hand flies over my mouth as I read “Momma” on the first wing and “Dada” on the second. I can’t help it; I absolutely loose it and start to bawl.
Deacon would have loved how this board turned out. It’s perfect.
Lyon, the ever lovable kid, turns around and grabs Zep, and drags him to where I am. I look at both of them to see we are all crying as Lyon stops in front of me. He wrapped one arm around my waist; another around Zep’s and brings us together in a group hug. I reach out and grasp onto them both as they cling to me and each other, we just let it all out. We release all our pent-up emotions we have been clinging onto.
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper as I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my cardigan. Zep looks down and rustles Lyon’s hair.
“Happy birthday buddy.”
Lyon grabs us back in a hug again and happily announces through his sniffles once more, “best birthday ever.” I look up at Zep and smile. When he sees my expression, his shoulders relax, looking as if I took the weight of the world off of him. He gives me a gentle, emotion filled smile.
“Aunt Dill can I go show it to everyone,” He begs me.
“Sure, just be careful!” We watch him struggling to walk with the board, laughing when he has problems getting it out the door. I shake my head. Once he’s made it I turn to speak to Zep.
“Listen I owe you an apology.” I start to say, but he shakes his head.
“No, I owe you and Lyon both a massive one, but right now is not the time to have this talk. I just wanted to give you something too.” He reaches in his pocket searching for something. I frown.
What on earth could he want to give me?
He pulls his hand out with his fist closed and looks back up at me. He hesitates for a little while, rubbing his neck with his other hand. Taking a deep breath before he says, “I know we have a lot we need to talk about Dillon, but right now I want you to have this.” He places something metal and small in my hand but wraps my fingers around it closing them into a fist. “Just do me a favor and don’t open your hand until I’m outside.” Unable to speak, I nod at him and watch him as he walks back outside.
I stare at the door where he’s walked out for a good five minutes trying to come to terms with everything that just happened.
Maybe Zep is back for good this time?
I try not to hope, but I can’t help it. It just feels like maybe I have my friend back. I blink then look down at my hand, still clasped rightly around whatever he has given me. Feeling a little worried and nervous about what’s inside.
What if it is changes everything?
I try to gather my feelings that are all over the place, knowing that what he has given me is going evoke more from me. Silly as it sounds, I close my eyes while I open my hand.
My hand starts to shake. I know prolonging it is making things worse. So, I take a deep breath, then another, and another and somehow find the will power to open my eyes. I look down slowly.
Tears come again; this time in pain for finally knowing what he has been struggling with. I collapse on the sofa, unable to stay upright any longer. Big tears drip down my chin but I barely notice.
He’s been struggling too. He’s been hurting. I wish he would have come to me. I blink down at the item in my hand a small token that says, ‘One Month Sober.’ I cling to it like it is a diamond, knowing that by giving it to me, he is letting me know he is here, he is back, and he is trying. I no longer have to hope for it anymore.
I will cherish this token forever.
***
Zephyr
As soon as I make it outside, I make eye contact with Flint, excusing myself silently to find a place in the yard where I can be alone, well at least to a section where noisy little children aren’t over flowing. I have semi privacy, standing behind a big palm tree. I’m grateful Flint understood my look. Leaning back against the tree, I groan; hitting the back of my head on it a few times. That was a lot harder than I thought it would be and that’s saying something considering I’ve been shitting myself all day over it.
I close my eyes, still able to see Dillon and Lyon’s sad, tearful, but appreciative faces when they read the names on the board. Then Dillon’s confused look when I gave her the chip. I know finishing that board is a long way from putting things right, because let’s face it, with what I have done, nothing can put it right. But I truly hope we can start to heal and move on. Especially since the drink is no longer dictating my life, though that’s not to say I don’t crave one right now. I sigh, rubbing my face with my hand.
What is she thinking right now? She must have seen the chip. Is she disgusted in me because I’m an alcoholic?
“I’m an alcoholic.” I mutter quietly to myself swallowing past the thick thump in my throat. It’s a lot harder saying out loud then I thought it would be. I jump as loud raucous laughter comes from the far end of the yard; I poke my head around the tree, seeing Lyon in his Batman cape getting chased by the other kids, while Connor gives out pointers. I shake my head.
Con will never grow up.
Another laugh catches my attention, I zero in on it. Dillon is with Flint, he’s put a big pile of cake on her plate. Although she’s laughing, her eyes still look sad. I hate that I have put that there. I watch the way she interacts with the others, the way she briefly touches Tucker, the way she playfully shakes her head at Connor’s antics. How Everett is quite but manages to make a lame joke just to see her smile, while watching her every move. Flint how he always makes sure she is doing ok, and sneaks convert glances her way when she isn’t looking. I frown at that.
Warm fuzzy feelings start to develop; a feeling of rightness starts to take hold. And then it hits me.
I don’t need to be jealous anymore. I will be part of it. If only I allow myself to. And I really do think Dillon doesn’t hate me anymore.
I smile at my realisation. I start to walk towards them but my phone starts to vibrate in my back pocket of my jeans. I stop to take the phone out, I unlock my phone to see I have a text message I open it up, my smile drops.
Thomas Upper East US Mikro: New Jersey has just been hit bad. We are currently experiencing an outbreak of tornados ranging from F2 to F4 along with multiple storm cells that are predicted to produce more. There has already been a flood outbreak for all over the upper east side of the States due to amount of rain this storm system is producing. We have been unable to control it despite our best efforts. We are calling for all reinforcements. We need every one here now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“You just discover a way to work around it and find comfort in what you can.” - Dillon
Dillon
I wring my hands together nervously; I don’t know what to say. Sweat gathers on the back of my neck from the tension. I’m almost tempted to take off my cardigan since I’m starting to feel hot, suffocated.
This is a moment I’ve been waiting on for a while. It feels like there is a lead ball in the back of my throat and I am unable to swallow it. I try to a couple of times, but it seems like it’s there to stay. I’m hoping it will slide down and find a place on my vocal chords, so it will give me an excuse not to start this conversation for a little while longer. I start to fan my face with my hand. Unable to gather my thoughts coherently and put them into words, my chest starts to rise and fall, picking up pace. I can’t seem to get enough a
ir; I’m having a mild freak out.
It seems silly, since talking to him should be like second nature to me.
I turn around, trying to gather my emotions, I can’t let him see me fall apart when I have been working so hard to stay put together. I desperately need him to see how hard I’ve been trying.
I take a few deep breaths in and out, calming my unyielding train of thoughts and focus on the most prominent ones; the ones that need to be said. I try to gather my courage to turn back around and face him head on.
You got this Dill; everything is going to be okay. It’s just a talk, so turn around and start talking. He knows everything about you, and you know he will never judge you. I close my eyes for one last deep inhale and turn around. My hands are shaking as I run my fingers through my hair. I have been trying to hold it together all morning, knowing what was coming today. When I open eyes I look down, collapsing onto my knees, landing on soft grass.
I can’t do this, I just can’t! Tears prickle behind my eyes. Where would I even start?
“I don’t know what to say.” I blurt out as tears start to leak from my eyes, trailing down my cheeks. I start to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth, trying to regulate my sporadic breathing. I shift from sitting on my jean clad knees to sitting on my butt in the cold damp earth.
“Listen, I know you’re not here anymore, like in this world, but your body is right in there,” I look up talking towards the sky as I point down towards the direction of a sectioned off piece of grass that is supporting a white marble tombstone.
“I know it seems silly, but I still feel like half of me is buried right there with you. I miss you Deacon, I miss you more than you know.” I choke out as the tears start to fall faster. I get back up on my knees and crawl over to pick up the flower arrangements I have brought for both of their graves. The ones I promptly dropped when I finally made it this close to their resting place. I inspect each bouquet, thankful they have not received a significant amount of damage, and then I get back to my feet.
It is a little easier to move around their graves since I have started talking, so I walk over to my bag and grab some more things. Some might find it silly, the way I want to be here, want to talk to him, but those people just don’t quite understand. Most, when attending a funeral of a friend or someone they knew, will comprehend that there is a process to grieving. What people don’t realize is that when everyone is gone back to their cozy little homes and their happy little lives where their love ones are still alive, the people who have lost someone are finally able to then let their façade down. The grieving turns into a part of life. You will always miss them as you start to move on with life. Always wishing they are there with you in every monumental change you experience. You find yourself picking up the phone to call them just to hear their voice, and it’s always like a bucket of ice, cold water is poured over your head when it sinks in once again that you can’t. This cycle is never ending, the pain is always there, it truly never goes away even in years to come, but you just learn to deal with it better. You learn to adapt. You just discover a way to work around it and find comfort in what you can.
Right now, I’m working towards finding a bit more comfort.
This is the first time I have actually made it to their grave site since the funeral. Sure, I have been here plenty of times over the last ten months, but not once have I made it out of the car and all the way here. I never felt I could, I have been feeling like I am drowning in my misery, only able to keep my head a float for just long enough to be functional in life and there for Lyon.
That all changed when the guys entered my life. I don’t know when or how, but it did.
After Lyon’s party Zephyr gathered everyone around and filled us in on the crisis that has started happening in upper east portion of the United States. To say we were a little shocked is an understatement. I have noticed there has been some serious weather tragedy happening, but before being clued in on the Mikro ways I would have never thought to actually pay attention besides feeling bad for the loss of life. I would have never known there was something I could do to help prevent it, so as the guys started to plan their trip to leave, I started to demand I come along. Hell, I am their Manipulator after all.
I would have kept demanding if Everett never pointed a few things out. First, I have yet to make an alliance, something I feel really bad about, but it’s something we obviously need to establish first. Because two, I have yet to tame my hold over each of the elements, because I have not formed said alliance. Lastly, none of the guys feel like this is the safest situation to drag Lyon into, and I agree. So, when Everett, Zephyr, and Tucker left yesterday morning, I’ve been tasked with finishing up some studies on the history of the Mikroelementry life and was told we would start back establishing an alliance upon their return. At about five this morning, I received a text from them that they had made it, and the force and impact of what has happened is devastating.
Connor and Tucker have stayed behind because they are going on an annual trip, something that they do like clockwork or so Everett explained to me. When I asked where they go, he couldn’t answer me, even he doesn’t know. I find that odd since he knows practically everything.
This morning before I left to come here, Connor had been the one to take the news the hardest. He’s been torn between where he should be; since his elemental connection is to water. Seeing him distraught is something new to me. I gave him a hug and told them I would put off coming here till later, but Flint urged me out the door and told me everything would be okay.
I kneel, wiping away some dirt that has been covering the base of the tomb stones and set out each of the articles I have brought to decorate them. After I get everything set up, I step back and actually take in the site. The white tombstones now have Hawaiian leis laid over them, I have set up pictures, which Everett has helped me reinforce so they are all water proof. They are of all of me and Deacon; some are of Rissa, Deacon, and Lyon; and a few of Lyon from this year. In the empty dark brass flower holder, I have set in the small lavender bouquets that I brought inside. I smile looking at it, feeling like even though I don’t have a lot of words to say out loud, I’m sure they both get what I am sharing with them and understand what I want to say.
“I am sorry it took me this long to come visit you that will change from now on. I just wanted you to know that we still talk about you all the time. Lyon is doing amazing, and I am sure you can see for yourself as you watch down over us. Most of all, we love you and miss you horribly.” I wipe my nose on my cardigan as I start to get emotional again. “Deacon, I will do you proud, not with only raising Lyon but also stepping in to take your role as the Mikroelementy. I was a little hurt when I found out you knew, I felt betrayed, but I understand now. You only wanted to protect me as you always have done. I love you.”
I hear car doors slamming as I start to gather up the bags I have brought everything in. It’s time for me to get home so that Flint and Connor can leave. I’m just grateful they had offered to watch him for me to take these few moments for myself.
“Aunt Dill!” I startle, surprised, as I twist around to see Lyon and Flint walking up the small foot path to where I’m standing. Lyon is carrying two bouquets and Flint has a bag filled to the brim with things trailing behind him. Lyon is smiling from ear to ear. I freeze; stopping half way from grabbing an empty wrapper. I have yet to bring him here yet, opting to keep his parents memories alive with talking about them until he is ready. I don’t know how he is going to respond to it. I fix on a smile anyway and quickly finish up putting things away.
“Hey buddy, what are you doing here?” I ask, kneeling in front of him, tucking some of his hair under his navy-blue beanie.
“I asked Flint where you were going and he told me you were coming to visit momma and dada and bring them stuff, so I told him I wanted to come as well.” He beams in pride as he walks around me to look properly at his parent’s grave site. I stand up hesitantly, wiping grass aw
ay from my jeans, waiting out his next response.
“Hi Dada!” He smiles as he puts a beautiful arrangement in the flower holder on the other side to mine, and then walks to his mother’s tombstone.
“Hi Momma!” He chirps again while repeating what he had just done. The tension in my shoulders begins to relax as he keeps smiling.
“He really did want to come and visit. I didn’t think it would be right to deny him of that.” Flint says as he hands a plastic bag over to me. I take it and look up him, smiling a tear filled smile.
“No, I agree with you, thank you for bringing him. Care to join us for a bit?” I secretly hope he would, because it would be nice to have someone else here just in case I start falling apart again. He places his warm hand on my shoulder, pulling me in for a side hug, bending his head to rest on top of mine.
He murmurs, “I wish I could, but Connor and I need to be leaving. Our flight leaves in a couple of hours.” I sigh knowing it was a whim on him staying, but I know he needs to leave.
“Where are you guys going again?” I haven’t asked yet, and I hope he would at least answer me. I’m already stressing out with the other three being away knowing they are putting themselves at risk, and not knowing where these two will be; I can’t even think on how I’ll worry when they leave.
“Not yet Dillon, like you, we all have our own skeletons in our closet. When the time is right I will tell you.” He squeezes me even tighter and I nod my head that I have heard him and will accept what he said. “Just know this,” my ears perk up again when he continues to talk, “Just like you, I too, have an urge to go and reconnect with what I have lost.” Even though what he just said makes absolutely no sense to me, I slide my arm around his trim waist and hug him back, breathing in his scent.
Controlling the Elements (The Manipulator Series Book 1) Page 25