Customer: Oh, I was looking for a bookstore with a café.
Bookseller: If you want a cup of tea, there’s a café four doors down.
Customer: Could I take some books there with me to look through and browse? And then bring them back?
(A man walks around the store, carrying a plastic bag stuffed with Nike jackets)
Man (to a customer): Would you like to buy a Nike jacket?
Customer: Erm, no.
Man: (to another customer): Can I interest you in a Nike jacket? Genuine Nike.
Bookseller: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Man: I was just seeing if anyone would like to buy a jacket.
Bookseller: Please don’t bother my customers.
Man: But it’s a store … they’re here to buy things.
Customer: Do you do gift wrap?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we don’t, sorry.
Customer: I tell you what; I’ll run to the store across the road and buy some wrapping paper. Then I’ll bring it back and you can wrap the book up for me, ok? You’re a bookstore, for Christ’s sake, you’re here to offer me a service.
Customer: Wow, you have a whole bookcase of Enid Blyton books?
Bookseller: Yep, we do. Famous Five, Secret Seven, Five Find Outers, Noddy—all of it there.
Customer: I loved the Famous Five when I was younger.
Bookseller: Yes, they were fun.
Customer: I’m so glad you think so. I know that there are a lot of people who say that Anne, from The Famous Five, was stupid and that she shouldn’t have just been doing the “girly” things, and that it was offensive.
Bookseller: Well…
Customer: I think all this political correctness has just gone way too far. I mean, who cares that Enid Blyton openly said that a woman should be the one to do the cooking and the cleaning? So she should.
Bookseller: Well—
Customer: —and then there are those who complain about the Noddy picture books, you know?
Bookseller: Hmmm.
Customer: Well, I say that a bit of racism never hurt anyone.
Bookseller: …
Customer: Everything in moderation, don’t you agree?
Bookseller: Your book will arrive in a few days. What’s your phone number?
Customer: Oh, er, I can’t remember it.
Bookseller: Ok. How would you like us to contact you when your book gets here?
Customer: Could you send me a postcard?
Bookseller: …What’s your address?
Customer: Oh. I’m not sure. Is it important?
Julia Sheng
Pegasus Books, Berkeley and Oakland, CA
(Customer brings The Lord of the Rings trilogy to the counter)
Customer: I am Legolas and I need to spread the word about The Lord of The Rings. I need to have this book for free.
Bookseller: No, I’m sorry, I can’t give you the book for free.
Customer’s friend: You have failed your quest!
Christopher Miya
Pegasus Books, Berkeley and Oakland, CA
Customer: What’s your name?
Bookseller: Jen.
Customer: Hmmm. I don’t like that name. Is it ok if I call you something else?
Customer (holding up a magazine from the Sixties): It says on the front cover that this magazine was supposed to come with half a jigsaw puzzle, but you don’t have the jigsaw puzzle. Does that mean I can have the magazine for free?
Customer: Do you have security cameras in here?
Bookseller: Yes.
Customer: Oh. (Customer slides a book out from inside his jacket and places it back on the shelf)
Bookseller: Hi, can I help you?
Customer: I don’t give a damn about books—they bore me.
Bookseller: I’m not sure you’re in the right place, then.
Customer: No, I am. I just wanted to ask what specific color you painted your bookshelves. I love this color. I mean, the right color can make books look more appealing, can’t it?
Bookseller: Can it?
Customer: And the smell of the paint takes away the smell of the books, too. Which is also a plus.
Customer: I’ve got a while before my bus. Are you and any of the other customers interested in playing cards?
Customer: Hi. I’m looking for a stuffed animal.
Bookseller: I’m afraid we don’t really have any of those. We do have some books for babies, though. They’re over here.
Customer: Er, it’s for a B-A-B-Y. What’s wrong with you? Babies can’t read!
Anonymous
Customer: Have you read every single book in here?
Bookseller: No, I can’t say I have.
Customer: Well you’re not very good at your job, are you?
Man (bursting through the bookstore door): Hey! Could you keep it down? We’re trying to film something outside.
Bookseller: … I’m not making any noise.
Man: Well, it looked like you were about to.
Bookseller: … It’s just me and the books here; we’re not going to have a raucous party.
Man: Yeah, well… just make sure you don’t.
Customer: I’ve forgotten my glasses, could you read the beginning of this book to me to see if I like it?
Customer: You must get so much time to read, just sitting here surrounded by books.
Bookseller: What is it you do?
Customer: Me? I work in a clothes store.
Bookseller: Well, you must get so much time to try clothes on, just standing there, surrounded by clothes.
(On putting the key in the door of the bookstore to open up in the morning, a customer comes up)
Bookseller: Excuse me, sorry, I’m afraid I’m not open yet. If you could wait two seconds and I’ll get the boxes out of the way and put the lights on.
Customer: Oh, don’t worry, I’ll only be a second. (Barges past into bookstore)
(Bookseller puts the book the customer has bought into a paper bag)
Customer: Don’t you have a plastic bag? I’m sick of all this recycling nonsense. It’s not doing any of us any good.
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookstore.
Customer: Hi there. If I buy a book and pay for it over the phone, could you bring it over the road to my house? I just live round the corner.
Bookseller: Are you unable to leave your house?
Customer: Well, no… but it’s raining.
Customer: You don’t have a very good selection of books.
Bookseller: We’ve got over ten thousand books.
Customer: Well, you don’t have the book I’ve written! (storms out)
Customer: Do you have the time?
Bookseller: Yes. It’s just after four o’clock.
Customer: No, it isn’t.
Customer: Who do I speak to about me selling you some books?
Bookseller: That would be me.
Customer: Where’s your boss? Is he not here?
Bookseller: The owner of the store isn’t here, she’s at home.
Customer: And who’s her boss? What’s his name?
Bookseller: She is the boss.
Customer: Oh. Well, you’re all modern, aren’t you?
(Customer is scraping his shoe along one of the display tables)
Bookseller: Sir, please don’t do that; you’re making the table dirty.
Customer: But where else do you expect me to scrape this gum off my shoe?
Anonymous
Customer: Do you have any jobs available?
Bookseller: Have you worked in a bookstore before?
Customer: No.
Bookseller: I take it you enjoy reading?
Customer: No, I don’t read at all.
Bookseller: So… why do you want to work here?
Customer: Well, I don’t really. It’s just that I’ve moved into an apartment up the street, and I’d like a job within walking distance.
(Customer is doi
ng push-ups in the middle of the bookstore. Lying beside him is an exercise book)
Bookseller: Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?
Customer: I don’t see why I can’t practice the exercises first, before buying the book!
Anonymous
Customer: I’ve got a lot of books that I want to look through, so I’ve ordered a pizza to eat while I do that. Should I have them deliver it straight to the second floor, or should I meet them at the front desk?
Anonymous
Customer: Can I just take this book to the restaurant next door and read it while I’m eating my lunch?
Barbara Pope
The Mulberry Bush Book Store, Parksville, BC
Man: Do you have a restroom?
Bookseller: No, I’m afraid we don’t.
Man: Well, then, I’m peeing right here. (He does so)
Anonymous
Customer: Is your mother around?
Bookseller: … I run this bookstore.
Customer: Oh. Sorry.
(Customer’s phone rings)
Other Customer: Will you turn that off? There are laws about cell phones in bookstores, you know!
Customer: You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever really read a whole book before…
Customer: Do you have Harry Potter book seven, part two?
Bookseller: Book seven is just one volume.
Customer: But the movie has two parts, so there must be a second book. They don’t just make movies from nothing!
Gabe Konrád
Bay Leaf Used & Rare Books, Sand Lake, MI
Customer: We’ve got so many books at home that we’ve had to start recycling them.
Bookseller: You mean you’re taking them to thrift store?
Customer: No, I mean we’ve actually started recycling them. You know, putting them out with the trash.
Bookseller: …
(Customer walks in and leaves the door wide open)
Other customer: Could you close that door behind you?
Customer: I’m just paying for this book, and then I’m leaving again. I’ll only be two seconds.
Other customer: You’ve already been in here ten seconds and now it’s freezing in here.
Customer: That’s because you’re blocking my way to the register!
Other Customer: Just close the bloody door. Where are your manners? This is a bookstore!
Customer: You wouldn’t believe this woman. She reads like a bird!
Llalan Fowler
Main Street Books, Mansfield, OH
(Woman throws a piece of paper down on the desk)
Woman: I need these books.
Bookseller: I’m sorry, I can’t make out this handwriting.
Woman: I can’t read it either, my daughter wrote it. Just search for it.
Bookseller: I can’t search for it if I don’t know what it is.
Woman: Just guess!
Bookseller: Ma’am, the only word I can make out on here is “bitch.”
Anonymous
ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?
Customer: Hi, I’d like to return this book, please.
Bookseller: Do you have the receipt?
Customer: Here.
Bookseller: Erm, you bought this book at Borders.
Customer: Yes.
Bookseller: … I’m afraid we’re not Borders.
Customer: But you’re a bookstore.
Bookseller: Yes, but we’re not Borders.
Customer: You’re all part of the same chain.
Bookseller: No, sorry, we’re an independent bookstore.
Customer: ….
Bookseller: Put it this way, you wouldn’t buy clothes at Urban Outfitters and take them back to Gap, would you?
Customer: Well, no, because they’re different stores.
Bookseller: Exactly.
Customer: … I’d like to speak to your manager.
Customer (to her friend): What’s this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?
Customer: Are all of your books for sale, or just some of them?
(A couple enter and start to browse new hardcover fiction titles. The man picks up Philip Roth’s The Plot Against America)
Man: I’ve been looking for this.
Woman: What’s that, honey?
Man: It’s this book about what would happen if Charles Lindbergh had become president instead of FDR.
Woman: Oh. Who won that election, again? I can’t remember.
Man: Uh…. Roosevelt.
Woman: Really?
Meaghan Beasley
Island Bookstore, Corolla, NC
Customer: You know that film, Coraline?
Bookseller: Yes, indeed.
Customer: My daughter loves it. Are they going to make it into a book?
Customer: Is this book edible?
Bookseller: … No.
Customer: Do you run story time for children?
Bookseller: Yes, we do. It’s on a Tuesday, for toddlers.
Customer: Great, the day care up the road is so expensive, and I’ve been dying to have a few hours to go shopping, and maybe get my nails done.
Bookseller: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you have to supervise your child at story time.
Customer: Why?
Bookseller: … because we’re not a day care center.
Customer: Doesn’t it bother you, being surrounded by books all day? I think I’d be paranoid they were all going to jump off the shelves and kill me.
Bookseller: …
Customer: Could I bring my entire antique watch collection in to show you?
Marilyn Brooks
Battenkill Books, Cambridge, NY
Customer: Where is your section on bat books—to build a bat house?
Barbara Pope
The Mulberry Bush Book Store, Parksville, BC
Customer: Can you mail books to the jail?
Bookseller: Sure
Customer: Do you have a list of all your true crime books?
Cathy Allard
BayShore Books, Oconto, WI
Customer: Will you be open so I can buy the new Harry Potter book?
Bookseller: Yep, we’re having a midnight opening.
Customer: Great. What time?
Customer: I’ve always thought I’d like to open up my own bookstore.
Bookseller: Oh, really?
Customer: Yes, definitely. There’s just something about it, you know? I just think it must be ever so relaxing.
Customer: Who is the author of the Shakespeare plays?
Sheryl Cotleur
Book Passage, Corte Madera, CA
Customer: Excuse me, do you have any signed copies of Shakespeare plays?
Bookseller: Er… do you mean signed by the people who performed the play?
Customer: No, I mean signed by William Shakespeare.
Bookseller: …
Person: Hi, I’m looking for a Mr. Patrick.
Bookseller: No one of that name works here, sorry.
Person: But does he live here?
Bookseller: … No one lives here; we’re a bookstore.
Person: Are you sure?
Customer: Hi, if I buy a book, read it, and bring it back, can I exchange it for another book?
Bookseller: No… because then we wouldn’t make any money.
Customer: Oh.
Pizza Delivery Man (on entering the store with a large pile of pizzas and seeing the bookseller, the only person in the bookstore): Hi, did you order fifteen pizzas?
(One bright Saturday afternoon)
Customer (walks up to counter): Are you open on Saturdays?
Christopher Sheedy
Re: Reading, Toronto, ON
(Phone rings)
Bookseller: Hello, Ripping Yarns Bookstore.
Man: Hello, is that Ripping Yarns?
Bookseller: Yes, it is.
Man: The bookstore?
Bookseller: … Yes.
Man: Are you there?
Bookse
ller: How do you mean?
Man: I mean, are you at the store now?
Bookseller: Erm… yes, you just rang the number for the bookstore and I answered your call.
Customer: Do you sell iPod chargers?
Bookseller: … No.
Customer: Why?
Man: Hi, I was wondering if I could ask you about a book I’m writing.
Bookseller: Sure.
Man: Well, it’s here. (He produces “book”—a series of things stuck into a pad of paper)
Bookseller: Right, what’s the premise?
Man: It’s a children’s book. See, I’ve been taking pictures of stuff and my friend has been writing poems to go alongside it.
Bookseller: Ok. Are you a professional photographer?
Man: No, I’ve just been taking photos of things on my cell phone. They’re pretty good though, yeah?
Bookseller: Erm, well they’re a little blurry.
Man: Oh, that just makes them unique.
Customer: And your friend, has he had poems published elsewhere?
Man: Nope, he doesn’t believe in that kind of stuff.
Bookseller: Ok… so, what’s your next step?
Man: To get it published.
Bookseller: What’s your plan of action?
Man: Just send it off to publishers.
Bookseller: Which one?
Man: Any old one. All of them. It ain’t hard, is it?
Bookseller: With all due respect, it is rather hard.
Man: Well our friends think it’s a fantastic idea. And I don’t think it can be hard—there are books everywhere these days—just look at this store!
Bookseller: Well, yes, but we are a bookstore.
Customer: So, you sell children’s books?
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores Page 4