by Ann, Jewel E
“I have season tickets to Cage’s games. I want you to go to them … all of them.”
She squeezed his hands back. So. Very. Tight. “K.”
“And I want you to make sure he stays out of trouble. I know that’s a tall order for you.”
Jillian smiled.
“When?”
“When?” he questioned.
“When are you leaving?”
His chest expanded slowly. He inhaled a deep breath, the kind that gave one courage. “I’m going back with them tomorrow.”
She held her breath. She held everything completely together—absolutely still.
“Jillian?”
“Hmm?”
He rolled over and pulled her into his arms. The desperation in their embrace crushed something inside her. Something that could never be repaired.
“I need you to be okay with this. You are the strongest person I have ever met, and I’ve met some really strong people. If you can’t do this, I won’t be able to either.”
That strength he referred to had become her greatest weakness. A burden—a curse.
“Tell me you’ll be okay.”
A little girl’s voice—the one she heard when Claire died, the one that wept for her parents, and the one that whispered goodbye to her heart in argyle socks—it screamed so loud.
I’m not okay. I’m not strong. I’m not anything you think I am!
“I’ll be okay,” she whispered.
*
Cage James Monaghan came into the world at six fifty-five in the evening on August third. It was the only time Brooke had seen AJ cry. He held his son in his arms and promised to give him everything.
AJ added father to his list of failures in life, but Cage never did. While he loved his mother, he wanted to be with his father the hero. It was bittersweet trying to live up to the rock star status Cage had bestowed upon him. The gifted son of the fucked-up war veteran grew up to be a good man, a hard working student, and an amazing quarterback. All despite AJ’s influence.
The packed stadium roared to life as the sun made a brief appearance to say everything would be okay. Cage would be okay.
AJ didn’t keep track of the score. He watched his boy light up the field, his ex-wife cheer on their son, his parents beam with pride every time Cage completed a pass, and the deflated woman who took so much more than he ever imagined he had to give.
Jillian clapped when the crowd clapped and stared at the field the entire time. He heard her every word that morning. Felt the depths of her grief—saw the vacant look in her eyes. Every day he saw deeper into her heart … into her past. In such a short amount of time the things he hated most about her turned into the things he couldn’t imagine living without.
If she ever stopped getting the mail in her boots and panties, it would be the greatest crime ever at Peaceful Woods. The sex toy consultant with a Harley—that was Jillian. That was the woman he loved. That was the woman he fucked like his life depended on it. Somehow he knew the last image he would ever have would be of her.
“Good game, huh?” His dad rested a firm hand on AJ’s shoulder as the team walked off the field, celebrating their first victory.
AJ nodded. The time came for him to rob all of that happiness from Cage, tearing his world apart before saying goodbye, forever.
Everyone met up for dinner. The bar and grill bulged to capacity with rowdy victory partying. AJ didn’t rush anything. He gave his family time to share a meal, laugh, and celebrate. After the last bite, final beer, and check paid, his parents went home with Brooke’s husband, their girls, and Jillian. AJ and Brooke drove back to Cage’s place, and they ended his world as he knew it. Their two-hundred pound grown son sobbed like a little boy in his daddy’s arms. A Band-Aid, kiss, and sucker couldn’t fix it. Nothing could fix the ugliest part of life that knocked on AJ’s door.
Cage promised to come visit the first weekend he had off. He also promised AJ that he wasn’t dying. His son held the same optimism Char and Brooke clung to. That he could have. AJ wouldn’t take that from any of them. After all, what’s left when all hope is gone?
*
Jillian. That’s who remained when all hope faded into darkness. After the drive home with Brooke, he took a long shower. He closed his eyes and let his tears mix with the water and soap that he massaged through his hair. He cried for the boy who loved him so unconditionally, the father to the grandchildren he would never meet, the man who would do things so much bigger, so much better than AJ ever could.
“I’m so … very … sorry.”
He knew she’d come. She was his real. The keeper of his past. The defender of his honor. The breath he needed to get to the next one.
“Why?” His voice broke as he turned and fell to his knees at her feet.
She ran her hands through his hair as he hugged her waist. “I’ve had too many opportunities to contemplate death. I think it’s different for everyone, but for me … when my time comes, I won’t ask any questions. I’ll simply say thank you.” Her words fell upon him, soft and steady.
He looked up at her and after a long moment, he nodded. Then he dried them off and led her to his bedroom.
“Jill—”
She pressed her finger to his lips as he sat on the bed before her. “Show me.”
He nodded again and then he showed her. When he filled her, he rushed nothing. There was no hurry. All they had was now. Their hands caressed for a final lasting memory. Their lips said goodbye over and over. Their tears released the anger … the unfairness of it all. Then with a final thrust, he spilled into her with an angry grunt. The kind that said fuck you world. Fuck you cancer. Fuck you PTSD.
He fell asleep in her arms and woke beside a note.
Thank you. ~J
“Good bye, Jillian Knight,” he whispered, folding the note.
Chapter Twelve
It rained for almost forty-eight hours straight, a few weeks too late for the brown lawns and cracked fields to make a comeback with fall just over the horizon. Even the residents of Peaceful Woods agreed to stop watering the lawns and simply succumb to the inevitable.
Ryn received a message from AJ that he no longer needed her services. He thanked her for all the years she worked for him and promised to write her a glowing recommendation to keep on file for future clients. She didn’t call him back. The message was brief, melancholy, and a little haunting. The For Sale sign in his yard explained the termination of services, but it took her by surprise, given his relationship with Jillian.
After a mad dash in the rain to the Knight’s front door, she paused to take a few deep breaths. She hadn’t seen or talked to Jackson since he took her home Friday night. She invited him in, but he insisted it wasn’t a good idea until she took care of the needed “preparations.” Her face flushed every possible shade of red, and that’s when he kissed her—the complete opposite of a chaste kiss. It held so much promise, leaving no confusion as to his intentions … his plans for her.
It took a full twenty-four hours to wipe the smile off her face. In a moment of insanity, she trimmed her girly parts then shaved them bare for the first time ever. It certainly made her look younger—like ten—at least in the pubic region. Sadly, she failed to consider the side effects. The worst being red bumps and itching. Dogs with fleas didn’t scratch as much as she had been scratching down below. Lotion and body oil failed to provide relief. As long as she didn’t touch the area or rub against anything she was fine.
“Ryn.” Jackson dragged her name into two long syllables, like a jungle cat purring it.
“Mr. Knight.” She squeezed past him, making sure their bodies didn’t touch.
“Mr. Knight, huh?”
“Yes. I’m working … for you. It might be a good idea to keep things professional while I’m here.”
“That sounds like a terrible idea.” He towered behind her, bending down to kiss the back of her neck.
A flush of heat spread along her skin in spite of the shiver his touch evoke
d. “So … why is AJ selling his place?”
“Because he’s dying.”
Ryn turned toward the scratchy voice. Jillian emerged from her bedroom resembling something like roadkill.
“Welcome back, Sis.”
She brushed past him, wearing her panties and a shrunken red tank top, hair matted to her blotchy face. Although they were siblings, it was still a little awkward for Ryn.
“What do you mean he’s dying?” she asked in a small voice.
Jillian opened the refrigerator door. Jackson looked at her with a mild frown before moving his focus back to Ryn.
“He has a cancerous tumor in his brain, so he’s moving back to Portland with his parents. Treatment doesn’t look promising.”
A sting of emotion pricked the corners of her eyes. Ryn rarely saw AJ, but there was something about being in his home around his personal belongings that lent a sense of familiarity, a feeling that she knew him better than she really did.
“Jillian … I’m so sorry.” Ryn rested her hand on her chest, maybe to comfort her own heart, maybe because she felt the pain in Jillian’s.
Grabbing two things from the refrigerator Jillian placed them on the counter and stared at them: a bottle of Heineken and a juice box. Jackson opened the beer and dumped its contents down the drain. Jillian had no reaction. He inserted the bendy straw into the juice box and placed it in her hands.
“You’ve got this,” he said to her with a whisper of sympathy as he kissed the top of her head.
Ryn fell hard for Jackson, the way someone slips at the top of a steep hill and tumbles to the bottom, gaining speed and momentum the whole way down. She tried to stop it, but the force—his gravitational pull—was too strong. With each passing second her heart fell for that man … the one who loved his sister so completely.
Jillian looked at Ryn. A sad smile worked its way to her lips. “I’m going to pull it together soon, and then we’ll start planning the wedding.” She brushed past her with a zombie’s gait, straight to the bedroom and shut the door.
With wide eyes, she looked at Jackson.
“What?” He shrugged while biting back his shit-eating grin.
“You told her we’re getting married?”
“I may have mentioned it.”
“It’s a game, a-a ridiculous joke … some sort of twisted improv.” Her hands flailed in the air.
The dramatic emphasis to her point didn’t faze him. Narrowing his eyes, he rubbed his chin. “I’m sensing some sort of apprehension from you.”
“Apprehension? We’ve known each other for two seconds!”
“True.” He nodded. “But they’ve been the best two seconds of my life. I want more … more seconds with you.”
Flip flop. Head-over-heels. Tumbling down.
“I need to get to work, Mr. Knight.”
He killed her every time with his sexy grin. Backing her against the wall, he cradled her face and kissed her unconscious. Every time—a total blackout.
The white tape on the bridge of his black glasses came into focus first when she opened her eyes. “I’ve been meaning to ask … Why are your glasses taped together?”
He released her face, straightening to his full height. “Because Jillian busted them.”
“Why don’t you get a new pair?”
“Because Jillian would stop rolling her eyes every time she saw me.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Yes.” His gaze melted over her body. Then he traced her lips with the pad of his index finger, trailing it slowly over her chin, down her neck, making a straight line to her breast. Stopping on her nipple, he circled once, bringing it to an embarrassingly hard peak before he grinned.
Smug bastard.
“Get to work, Miss Middleton.”
With an overload of confidence, he strode away. A few seconds later she heard the back door to the garage shut. Finally, she could breathe again. His inappropriate touch matched his look. Everything about Jackson screamed inappropriate, dirty, and sinful. Two questions bubbled in her mind: why did she let him touch her like that, and why did he stop?
“I’m going to Lilith’s.”
Ryn jumped at the sound of Jillian’s voice. “Sorry, you startled me.” She hoped it would explain her red face and the light beading of sweat along her brow.
“Where’s Jackson?” Jillian asked, pulling her wet blond hair into a pony tail as she slipped on her red rain boots.
Ryn took a deep swallow, gathering her senses. “Uh … the garage, I think.”
Jillian nodded. Opening the front door, she stopped and looked back at Ryn. “He likes you.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure he’s liked a lot of women.”
Jillian shook her head. “Truth?”
Ryn squinted a bit. Did she want the truth? After a few seconds, she nodded.
“My brother has fucked a lot of women, but I don’t think he liked any of them. He liked sex. Period.”
The door closed behind her leaving Ryn with a lot to think about.
*
As expected, Lilith waited for Jillian with a patient smile and eager ears. Dodge didn’t say a word when she walked through the door. He just gave her a hug and a sad smile before leaving.
“He’s not good with emotions.”
Jillian nodded at Lilith. “There’s really nothing to say.”
“There’s everything to say, dear. You let him go.”
Jillian plopped down on the couch. “I did,” she replied with a deep sigh. “It was never going to work out anyway. The guy refused to take me on a real date … one with cloth napkins.”
Lilith smiled. “You’re an amazing woman.”
“Well I don’t feel so amazing right now.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
Jillian closed her eyes. “Yes, you can just listen.”
*
Day
“Dammit, Jones!”
Jessica jumped out of bed, leaving a mattress covered in tangled sheets and a collapsed wall of pillows, but no Luke. Then it registered, the angry voice came from the other room.
“What’s going on?” she asked as Jones ran to her. Picking him up, she kissed his head.
Luke had a murderous look on his face as he scrubbed the floor on all fours, wearing a T-shirt and pajama bottoms. “I took your dog outside, but he refused to do his business, instead deciding to hold it until we came back up here.”
She giggled, setting Jones down. He ran into his kennel as if he’d been sent to jail. Luke put the soiled paper towels in a plastic bag and washed his hands.
“Are you laughing at this situation?” The look he shot her over his shoulder would have killed a lesser woman.
“I can’t even count how many times I’ve yelled ‘Dammit, Jones,’ but never at the dog.”
Luke dried his hands. “I’m not laughing.”
“Of course you’re not.” She bit her lips together.
He grabbed her arm and yanked her into his chest, stealing her breath. Then he turned them around and lifted her onto the counter. She ran her hands through the sexiest unkept hair ever.
“You woke up alive,” she reminded him with a beaming smile.
Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he mumbled, “Indeed, I did.” With a smooth, swift stroke he pulled her tank top off, returning his mouth to the sensitive skin of her neck. His hands cupped her breasts with firm pressure. “In fact…” his hands slid down and he curled his fingers around her panties, working them under her backside and down her legs “…I’ve never felt so alive.”
“Luke,” she whispered with an impatient need, grabbing the hem of his shirt.
He helped her by pulling it off and sliding down his pants. No underwear. She smiled. He smirked and it was so damn sexy.
The hiss of his breath filled the room as she stroked him. He rested his hands on her legs and closed his eyes, letting his chin drop to his chest.
“So I’m moving in?” He was steel in her h
and, a pinch-me moment to think that she, fucked-up-in-the-head Jessica, had such a visceral effect on him.
Gripping her ass, he tugged her to the edge of the counter then pushed her legs apart. Looking into her eyes he promised her forever before his lips spoke the actual words. “I’m never letting you go.”
She shivered as he slid inside her, claiming her lips with his, her hair with his hands, and her soul with every beat of his heart.
*
“I’m driving.” Jessica punched as much confidence into her demand as possible when Luke picked her up to meet her family for dinner. They decided to wait until he met her parents before they jumped into cohabitation.
“Get in, babe.” He shook his head as she went to open his door, but not before he slammed down the lock.
The scowl on her face held great promise of a beating later that night. She reined in her stubbornness and got in the passenger side, but only because they were going to dinner with her parents.
“If I didn’t love you so damn much, I’d hate you for being so possessive and selfish. You have four siblings. How is it you don’t know how to share?”
Luke smiled as he pulled away from the curb.
They were the last to arrive, only because her parents and Jude arrived early. It was no surprise they wanted to interrogate her brother to see what he knew about the man she deemed worthy of meeting her parents. Jessica’s secret was safe, although Jude was not happy that her brilliant therapist had crossed all ethical lines with her.
“Hey!” She released Luke’s hand to hug her parents as all three stood to greet them.
“This is a mistake,” Jude warned in her ear when she hugged him.
“Shut it.” She batted her eyes at him, feigning innocence. “Mom and Dad…” she gave Jude a barely-detectable scowl “…and Jude, this is Luke Jones, my … boyfriend.” She said it like a question as she looked up at Luke with a bit of apprehension. Boyfriend seemed so childish for a distinguished psychiatrist.
He kept his eyes and friendly smile focused on her family, so she assumed the label was okay.
“Luke, these are my parents, Grant and Sunny, and my brother, Jude.”