“Goddamn, man. You all right? Fucking heard that shit all the way over here.”
“I’m fine. Fucking leave me alone.” I slam my bedroom door shut, toss all my shit on the floor, and then self medicate with ten Vicodin. I grab a full fifth of vodka before making my way to my bathroom and turning on the shower.
I guzzle the warm vodka past the neck of the bottle, strip, and then take a shower, staying under the warm spray until I feel my pills kick in.
“Fuck this shit. Fuck this whole piece-of-shit life.”
I’m so fucking done, so over it.
I spend the next few weeks out of my fucking mind. I take more Vicodin every day and I chase them with even more vodka.
I never see Annalise, not once… For a whole fucking month.
And either on a Saturday or maybe a Tuesday in the second month without Annalise, I swallowed over seventy Vicodin in six hours.
That was the best fuckin’ day of my goddamn life.
Was also the last day of my goddamn life. Either way…it was a good fucking day.
Annalise
None of this was supposed to happen. None of it. I don’t even know where I let everything go wrong. I was doing good. I… Okay, so I wasn’t doing good, but I was at least on the right path. One without drama. All I had to do was keep to myself and earn enough money in this tiny town to be able move out to one that had a good nursing school so I could to start my real life over.
Where no one knew who Annalise Taylor was, where she came from, or how much she’d messed up everything for so many people.
I’m so far away from that now that I don’t know if I’ll ever get there. And until all this happened, in those two months I’d stayed away from Leo, I worked every night, picked up any extra shifts I could. I was close… I was really so to succeeding in my plan until the night Josh banged on my door, screaming for help in the middle of the night.
A shudder skates up my spine when I think back to that night, when I remember seeing Leo’s lifeless body sprawled out across his bed. It was obvious that he’d been like that for a while. The vomit was dried on the sheets and clumped in his hair.
I was shocked when I found a weak, thready pulse and even more shocked that, three days later, he was still alive. I haven’t left his side once. Josh brought all my clothes and toiletries up to the hospital so I wouldn’t have to leave.
That was almost three months ago.
In the beginning, they—the doctors and nurses—thought that the coma he’d slipped into could be a blessing. It would allow him to physically detox. The emotional detox would still be difficult but less painful than the alternative.
After a month and a half though, their ‘blessing’ talk turned less promising, the prognosis becoming more dire. Now, instead of small smiles and reassuring nods, all I seem to get are sad frowns and subtle head shakes.
Leo’s parents were here the first week, but they had to leave because of their other children’s needs and of course their jobs. I told them I would keep them notified of any change.
But the only change in Leo’s health has been nothing except his increasing weight loss.
I lace my fingers in his and squeeze. I’ve done well holding back the tears, and I give the credit to the constant pulse monitor’s beeping. The drone pattern insanely enough is actually comforting to me. It’s the only comfort I have, that I’ve had for months.
I lay my head on his shoulder and run my fingers through his growing silky dark blond hair. It’s almost as long as the first time I saw him. I love it. “It’s getting long, like when we met. I like it.” I kiss his hollow, gaunt cheek, pulling back when the nurse walks in.
“Well hey, Ms.’Lise. How are you doin’ this morning, angel?”
I smile up at her. “I’m good, Ms. Joyce.” I nod at Leo. “He had a good night. He seemed to rest well. The monitors stayed level and didn’t start acting crazy like they do when he starts twitching on his bad nights. So I’d say I’m good.”
“Woman, I just don’t see how you do it. You know we’ll take care of him even if you leave to get some coffee or, hell, child, some fresh air. Go on, girl. Get outta these four walls for a day or two. He’ll be fine.” She chuckles, “He ain’t goin’ nowhere. I can promise you that.”
“Ms. Joyce, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. There’s nowhere else I have to be. I can’t leave him.” Brushing my fingers through his hair again, I whisper, “None of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t let him leave me before.”
I know it’s the truth, too. How many times did I tell him that I didn’t care if he couldn’t love me? That I would love him enough for the both of us? How many times did I let it slide when he called out for Lil not only in his sleep, but while making love to me?
I walked into our relationship with my eyes wide shut, knowing full well that I was falling in love with a man who could never love me in return. Knowing that I couldn’t leave his side because every other person who told Leo they loved him had left him, time after time.
I knew I had to be the one to break that cycle. Instead, I did what I always do—I failed him.
And I will never fail him again. It will have the entire world calling me a pushover. A moron. A self-destructive idiot. But I could care less. I don’t love them. I love Leo. And even if it kills me, I’ll never leave his side again. Never.
“Ms. ‘Lise, he get his bed bath and linen changed last night?”
“Yes, ma’am. I did it right before we went to bed.”
Ms. Joyce nudged me and pointed towards the door. “Go on and grab you a bite from the cafeteria, love. I’ll do my assessment and be done by the time you get back.”
“Wait, I want to be here when you check his weight.”
Ms. Joyce shakes her head, but I turn around and flip through his chart real quick to scan his daily weight sheet.
Shit! He started out at two hundred and twenty-one pounds. Last week he was one hundred and fifty-four.
“You know knowing doesn’t help you or him, right?”
“Ms. Joyce. Yes, okay, of course I know that. I just… Just please tell me.”
After she hits the buttons on the bed to zero it out then the weigh button, I see the number ‘147’ flash in red. Without saying a word, I turn and walk from Leo’s room.
I feel my mind fold information up that I fully understand the severity of and tuck it away, compartmentalizing it. I can’t think about it today. It doesn’t do me any good at all. I’ll think about it when I come to cross that bridge—if I ever get to that bridge…
I’m sitting in the cafeteria, staring into my coffee when Josh’s little brother Jason’s voice echoes in my mind, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Congrats, man. I know how happy y’all must be. Wow, a little girl, huh?” Jason slaps some tall guy on the shoulder. His hair is black as night. He’s got a smile from ear to ear, and pride is spilling from his pores.
I immediately feel so happy that I’ve gotten to witness this. I don’t know this man, but the small glimpse I get into his life shows that there are good things happening in the world. This glimpse I catch of a man’s happy moment has me smiling before I look back down, embarrassed that I’m leeching off others’ happy moments but thankful I wasn’t caught doing it.
“I know, Jas. I’m telling you, man. If not for her hair, I’d say the only person that had anything to do with making her was Lillian. She looks exactly like her. You been up to see Lil and Bella yet?”
Dread, stark, ice-cold, and hateful dread seizes every molecule of blood in my veins.
“Yeah, she’d love that. We’re in room 349.” The new daddy waves before leaving the cafeteria.
She’s here. In this hospital. She is here, in this hospital, and she’s just had a baby girl.
In this hospital, the same one that Leo has been in a coma in for over three months because of what she continued—continues—to put him through?
I’m out of my seat and running to the nearest restroom before losing
my coffee in a trash bin.
It’s once I look up into the mirror at my reflection, with the water I splashed running down my face, that the tears I’ve held back for so long run down too. None of this was supposed to happen.
Why did he keep going back? Why did he keep shredding himself over and over again by forcing himself to watch her go on and make a happy life for herself?
Probably for the same sick and twisted reason I was hanging on to the man who was doing it.
Leo and I are both self-tormentors, mine initiated by my guilt from being with Shelton and not being smart enough to ask questions, but also for leaving Adam with the hope that I made the right choice. And of course the guilt that has rendered me immobile from doing anything other than sitting at Leo’s side, the guilt of not being able to keep the promises I made him.
Once I’m back to his room, I settle into the same chair I’m always in right next to him. I pick up his lifeless hand, set it in mine, and lay my head down next to him on the bed, letting the sounds of the monitors comfort me. I know that these beeping monitors are better than silence.
I close my eyes, just listening, but my thoughts return, trying to find the exact moment everything went wrong.
But I can’t pinpoint it.
When a man is as broken as Leo is and you find yourself in love with him, there are only two choices you really have. One, let him go, accepting that it will either never be or will forever be too hard to fill the void that was left inside him. Or two, you do what I did. You grab on for dear fucking life, understanding that it will forever be too hard but accepting it and welcoming the challenge.
The one thing that you never do is the exact thing I did the last night we spoke, the night we fought. You never let go after you’ve grabbed on for dear fucking life… Never.
I know that now. I just pray he’ll wake up so I can fix this mess I’ve made.
Annalise
Someone started by trying to nudge me awake and now they’re shaking me. I give up on the happy dream I’m in and wake up, coming face to face with Josh.
“Hey, babe. How’s he doin’?” His head jerks towards Leo.
He had a shit night. He was in and out of jerky movements. At one point, I was sure he was seizing, but the doctor and nurses said it was just spasms. Spasms that they can’t explain though, and that pisses me off. I finish brushing my teeth before changing into some blue jeans and a sweater then walk back out into Leo’s room.
“It was bad, Josh. I think it’s the worst one. Well…you know, since the nights he had in the first month. No one has any answers either. If they do, they aren’t telling me.” I shrug and feel my chin begin to quiver.
The words spill out in a rushed, harsh whisper. “Josh, she’s here…” My tears begin to fall like the flood gates have finally opened up, and there is no stopping them now. “I…I…I saw h-h-her h-h-husband downstairs…”
I feel Josh’s arm wrap around me and let myself absorb the comfort of human contact that I’ve neglected myself for so long. “Shhh… Hey, come on, kid. It’s not all that bad.”
I pull back, scoffing at him. “He’s in a fucking coma, Josh! And she’s down the hall spitting out bundles of black hair and pink!”
“Oh, well… I mean, yeah, if you put it like that, it does seem really shitty. But what I’m saying is, it isn’t her fault, Spar. She has no idea how deep and, quite frankly, insane, sick, twisted, and completely fucked up his feelings for her are. She hasn’t seen him once, Spar. Not once. Did you know that she thinks he just took off and left her four years ago? That’s what she was told, and for four years, that’s all she’s believed.”
I’m so pissed I’m shaking, but I don’t know what or who I’m so angry at. I was doing just fine blaming it on some bitch named Lil I’d never met. That was working very well for me. Then all this happened, Leo OD’d, and I was pissed at him for doing the one thing I always knew he would do.
Now, I can only be pissed at myself. Because I knew. I always knew he wouldn’t stop until it was too late.
“Spar, you can’t hate her. Not when she doesn’t know. So what she spit out a kid? So what? She’s married. It’s Leo that has put Leo where he is, not her.”
“No, I let this happen. I don’t hate her. I just wished she never existed.” I look up at Josh. “That is a terrible thing to say, isn’t it? I’m sorry. But I do.”
“Spar—”
“And stop calling me that! I’m not Spar. Or Sparkle, okay? I hate when you call me that, Josh.”
His hands fly up in mock surrender. “Okay, okay. Won’t happen again.” I look back up at him when his hands grab the tops of both my arms. “‘Lise, he will leave you. The first chance he gets with Lil, he will leave you. You know that, don’t you?”
I nod, and it causes the threatening tears to fall.
“He’ll take everything you have to give. He’ll take and take and take, and when it’s finally time, when he’s able to, he will walk away from you and never look back. He’ll leave you and go to her.”
I close my eyes and feel warm tears slide down my face. I gather in a huge, deep breath before opening my eyes to look back into his. “Josh, I’ve known that from the very beginning. I came to terms with that much longer ago than you’ll ever know. But, that’s my albatross now, isn’t it?”
“You’ll just let him?” This is the first time I’ve seen Josh serious—ever. I’m a little taken aback by his genuine concern. “And when it happens, Annalise, then what? For you I mean. Then what will you do?”
“I’ll walk away. No… I’ll run away. And I’ll never come back.”
A moan from Leo shatters my staring contest with Josh. I’m at his side a split second later, pushing the call bell and brushing his hair back away from his face. “Shh… Hey, I’m here. I’m here. You’re fine, Leo.” His hands are twisting in the sheets, his back is bowing up off the bed, and his neck is contorted at an awkward angle.
Then he begins thrashing, his entire form seizing so bad it shakes, rattling the heavy hospital bed.
“Josh, hand me my pillow off the couch and go find the nurses quickly.” I grab the pillow from him and set it between Leo’s head and the hospital headboard to stop his head from getting injured while his thrashing continues. “Leo, baby, please calm down… Please.”
His eyes pop open and all I see are his midnight blue irises staring into mine right before the whites of his eyes turn red with every tiny vessel that bursts beneath the surface.
“He’s having a goddamn seizure. I don’t have to have a fucking nursing degree to know this is fucking tonic-clonic grand mal seizure, you assholes!”
“Ms. Taylor, step from the room and allow us to do our jobs, or I’ll have to call security. Do you understand me?”
If I could catch my breath, I would kick this bitch. Josh yanks on my hand and I fall out into the hall.
“Come on, Spar. Get that shit out of your head right now. Killing the nurses won’t help you or him. Let’s go outside and smoke.” He leads me out of the hospital’s front sliding doors and over to a bench off to the side before handing me a cigarette. “Here.”
“Thanks.” I usually don’t smoke, but I’ll take anything to curb my swelling anger.
“Oh fuck.” I glance up at Josh to find his face holding a look like he’s seen a ghost. Then my eyes follow his line of vision.
And it happens. I’ve been so damn strong for so damn long. I’ve accepted my failures yet kept trying, kept getting back up. And I kept continuing to be strong.
I know who she is immediately, I don’t need to see the happy daddy I saw in the cafeteria yesterday. I don’t need to see the baby in her arms with the thick black hair. I know instinctively who she is. I’m honestly not surprised by it either.
Maybe it’s because she’s my arch nemesis. Maybe the reason why is because I truly hate her and I know that she has ruined everything.
Whatever the reasons, I’m not shocked when I instantly recognize Lillian. I am shock
ed, however, that once I look, really look, I’m shocked at how sorry I feel for her.
When her eyes are on the baby girl in her arms, I see happiness dance with uncertainty on her face. But when I see the same look that Leo has on his face when he looks at me reflecting on her face when she looks at her husband, a vital part of me breaks.
I feel nothing but sympathy for her, and as I watch her packing a few gift bags in the back seat as her husband gets the baby settled in the car seat, I realize that she is just like me, exactly like Leo. We’re all in the same confusing, shitty world trying to make it, trying to figure out where we belong.
“She’s exactly what I always imagined her to be.” I look over at Josh to see him watching me. “Come on, Joshie. Let’s go check on our guy, ‘kay?”
When we make it up to Leo’s hospital room, it’s very quiet and the room is dark. Josh heads towards the nurses’ station, but I keep walking towards Leo’s room. Once I’ve closed the door, that’s when I notice that it isn’t just quiet… It’s silent.
As soon as I’m at Leo’s side, I’m trying to stifle my sob, my hand clasped over my closed mouth, trying to stop its escape, but it’s no use. It still echoes off the bare hospital walls.
His blue-on-red eyes shoot to mine, huge, fat tears leaking from the sides of them. “‘Leeth?”
I fall to my knees at the side of his bed and begin running my trembling hands over any accessible skin I can find. “Shh… Don’t, Leo. Don’t speak. I’m here. I’m here and I’m never leaving again, baby. I swear.”
The tension in his body leaves once his mind seems to process what I’ve said to him. His eyes flutter shut and he releases a huge sigh. I keep petting his hair, his face… I just keep petting him…anywhere I can.
“Leo, look at me, please…” I can’t stay strong any longer. I fall to pieces right there at his side. “Please… I’ve waited for months to see your beautiful eyes again. Please, Leo.”
His eyes open. They’re still heavy and hooded, but they’re open.
“Hey, I’ve missed you.” My words are barely a whisper, and I feel my face crumbling, so I lie my head down next to his. “I thought I’d really lost you this time. I was so scared.”
Holding Her in Madness Page 14