The ball itself was an unusual event these days. The Imperial family had canceled all formal social occasions due to the war, with the exception of this one. And there was no way of knowing when they would give another. The Czar was coming home from the front for it, and everyone was happy he was going to be there.
“Won't your wife come at least to this one?” Danina asked Nikolai cautiously when they spoke of it the day before the ball, but he shook his head and looked annoyed. At one time he would have told Marie how rude it was of her to refuse their invitation, but this time he really didn't mind, for reasons that were obvious to Danina. She had already told herself that she would dance with him once or twice, if he asked her, but it would mean nothing. The revelation that had been made to her two weeks before seemed to have receded into the mists since then. They were once again just friends, and nothing more alarming.
“Of course not,” was all Nikolai said in answer to her question. “She detests balls … or anything that does not involve horses.” And then he changed the subject, and he smiled when he said that Alexei had said she looked “pretty good” in the dress his mother had lent her. But “pretty good” did not in anyway prepare Nikolai for the way Danina looked when she emerged from her bedroom in the white satin and gold brocade gown trimmed in ermine. She looked like a young queen, with her hair piled on her head in a little crown of loose curls, and the pearl earrings that were the only thing she had of her mother's. She was glad she had thought to bring them with her.
She took Nikolai's breath away, as he looked at her, and for a long moment he said nothing. There were tears in his eyes, and he only prayed she would not see them.
“Do I look all right?” she asked nervously, as she would have to one of her brothers.
“I don't even know what to tell you. I have never seen anyone look as beautiful as you do.”
“You're silly,” she smiled shyly at him, “but thank you. It's a lovely dress, isn't it?”
“On you, it is.” Her waist was the size of a small child's, her bosom revealed just enough, without being vulgar or offensive. Nothing about her could have offended, and in his tails, he seemed the perfect escort for her as he led her off to the party at the Catherine Palace. The Catherine Palace was on the grounds of Tsarskoe Selo as well. It was far grander and more ornate than the Alexander Palace, where they lived. And the Czarina preferred to use it only for state occasions, although at the moment, part of it was being used to nurse the wounded soldiers. The palace had been redone by Catherine the Great, and was originally designed by Rostrelli, and the brilliant gold roof made it look extremely formal and opulent as they approached it.
But even among all the glittering gowns and jewels and visiting royalty, Danina caused a noticeable sensation. Everyone wanted to know who she was, where she was from, and where she had been hiding. And several dashing young noblemen were convinced she was a princess. Her regal bearing and the graceful way she moved caught everyone's attention. And as soon as she saw her, Danina was quick to thank the Czarina discreetly for the dress she was wearing.
“You must keep the gown, my dear. None of us will ever be able to wear it as you do.” And Danina could see instantly that she meant it, and was even more touched by her continuing generosity and kindness.
The dinner for four hundred guests was in the Silver Room. The gentlemen withdrew for a short while after that to the famous Amber Room, and then the entire party moved into the Great Gallery for dancing. It was an exquisite evening. And Danina had more energy than she'd had since she'd been ill. She was excited just to be there. It was a night she wanted to remember, in every impeccable detail, forever.
And when Nikolai led her onto the dance floor, she felt her heart give a little flutter, but not for an instant did she allow herself to think of what he had said to her two weeks before. That chapter in their lives was already over. All they had between them now, or so she told herself, was camaraderie and friendship. But the look in his eyes as he swept her around the floor gracefully in a waltz told an entirely different story. He looked unbearably proud of her, and his gentle touch as he held her as close as he dared would have told her all he couldn't say, if she had let it. Even the Czar mentioned something to his wife when they were dancing.
“I'm afraid Nikolai is smitten with our young visitor from the ballet,” he said by way of observation, without criticism or comment.
“I don't think so, my dear.” The Czarina denied it. She had seen them together frequently, and saw nothing unseemly in their friendship, or behavior.
“It's a shame he's married to that dreadful Englishwoman,” he said, and the Czarina smiled in answer. She wasn't fond of her either.
“I think he's only concerned with Danina's health,” she said firmly, far more naive than her husband.
“She looks lovely in that dress she's wearing. Is it one of yours?” The Czarina was wearing a red velvet gown that was spectacular, with a full set of his mother's rubies, which became her remarkably. She was a beautiful woman, and he loved her dearly. They were both happy he was home again, and at least able to forget the war for a few brief moments.
“It's Olga's actually, but it looks so pretty on Danina, I told her to keep it.”
“She has a lovely figure.” He smiled down at his wife then, no longer interested in talking about their guest. “But so do you, my love. I think Mama's rubies look extremely well on you.”
“Thank you,” she said with a smile, and eventually they left the floor and circulated among their guests. It was a most successful party. And Nikolai and Danina danced half the night away. It was hard to believe she'd ever been ill, and she certainly didn't feel it as she danced with him. It was after midnight when he finally urged her to sit down for a while and rest, before she wore herself out completely. She was having such a good time, she didn't want to stop dancing for a minute.
He brought her a glass of champagne, and smiled as he handed it to her. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bluer than ever, and her bosom tantalizing and creamy. He had to force himself to look away for a moment. But when he looked at her again, he found he couldn't resist her, and moments later, he was dancing with her again, and she looked happier and lovelier than ever.
“I feel like a dismal failure as the guardian of your health,” he confessed as they danced another waltz, looking as though they had danced together forever. The only time he had ever danced with his wife was at their wedding. “I should be forcing you to go home and rest, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm afraid you're going to be exhausted to the point of feeling ill tomorrow.”
“It will have been worth it,” she said, laughing up at him with the sound that enchanted him unbearably. Just as she did, he wanted the night to go on forever.
It was after three when they finally left, and they were among the last to leave, after Danina had thanked the Czar and Czarina profusely. It had been an unforgettable evening, and they thanked her warmly for coming and, like Nikolai, voiced the hope that she hadn't done herself any damage by dancing so much and staying so long, when perhaps she should have been resting.
“I will stay in bed all day tomorrow,” she promised, and the Czarina urged her to do it. It would be a shame if she fell ill again because of the party.
But she was still in high spirits as they went back to her cottage. It was a lovely night, with a sky filled with stars, fresh snow on the ground, and all she could remember now was the endless dancing. Several people had asked her to dance, and she had danced with them willingly, but most of the evening she had spent in Nikolai's arms, and had to admit she preferred it. She was still chatting happily about all of it as they walked into her cottage, and he helped her take the ermine cape off. And just as he had all night, he couldn't help staring at her, and how beautiful she was in all her finery. More so than any other woman he'd seen all evening.
“Would you like something to drink?” she asked him easily, she was too excited to sleep, and she hated to have it end now. And he ha
d much the same feeling, as he poured himself a glass of brandy, and they went to sit in front of the fire the maids had left for them, and to talk about the evening. She surprised him by sitting at his feet in the splendid gown, and leaning her head against him. She was thinking about the evening, and was smiling into the fire dreamily, as he gently stroked her hair, and felt the sheer pleasure of having her lean against him.
“I will never forget this night,” she said quietly, happy to just be there with him, not wanting anything more than she could have from him.
“Nor will I,” he said, touching her long graceful arm with his hand, and then resting it on her shoulder. She felt so delicate and looked so fragile, and as she turned to look up at him she was smiling. “I'm so happy when I'm with you, Danina,” he confessed, afraid to go too far again, and offend her. But it was so hard not to tell her how he felt about her.
“So am I, Nikolai. We have been very lucky to find each other,” she said, and meant it, not intending to tease him, but merely to celebrate their friendship. But she was making it more difficult for him than ever.
“You make me dream again,” he said sadly, holding his brandy, “of things I gave up years ago.” At thirty-nine, he felt as though he had a lifetime behind him. A lifetime of lost hopes, and shattered illusions and disappointment. And now, in her, he saw the dream again, and yet he couldn't have it with her. “I love being with you.” And then, feeling too far away from her, he slipped onto the floor next to her, and they sat side by side looking into the fire, at their dreams, as he put an arm around her. “I never want to hurt you, Danina,” he said gently. “I want you to always be happy.”
“I am happy here,” she said honestly, and she had been happy at the ballet. She had never really known unhappiness, only endless discipline and great devotion to what she'd been doing. Hers was a life of passion. And then she turned to look at him, and saw that there were tears in his eyes, as there had been earlier when he first saw her that night, but this time she saw them clearly, the first time she hadn't been as certain. “Are you sad, Nikolai?” She felt sorry for him. She knew his life wasn't easy for him. Although she chose not to acknowledge it, she knew how desperately unhappy he was at home, with a woman who didn't love him.
“A little bit perhaps … but mostly very happy to be here with you.”
“You deserve more than that,” she said quietly, realizing that he asked very little of her, and gave of his heart completely. She felt unfair to him suddenly. She had silenced him for her own purposes, so she would not be uncomfortable, but she had forced him to deny his feelings. “You deserve great happiness for all the kind things you do. You give so much to so many … and to me,” she added softly.
“It's easy to give to you. I only wish I had more to give you. Life is cruel sometimes, isn't it? You find precisely what you want … too late to have it.”
“Perhaps it isn't,” she said in a whisper, feeling drawn to him as she had never been to any man, except him, when he had kissed her. He didn't dare ask her what she meant, but only looked at her, and her eyes were beckoning him with an openness and love for him that was so evident, he could not mistake their invitation.
“I don't want to hurt you … or upset you. … I love you too much to do that,” he said, trying to hold back all that he felt for her, for her sake.
“I love you, Nikolai,” she said simply, and without hesitating this time, or fearing anything, he took her gently in his arms and kissed her, and it was all that they had each dreamed of. They were ready for it this time, it did not take them by surprise, or frighten them, and this time it was what they both wanted.
They kissed for a long time in front of the fire, and he held her in his arms, until the fire began to dim and she began to shiver, with the chill and their excitement. She knew that she was his now.
“Come … you will catch a cold, my love. I'll put you to bed, and go,” he whispered in the last glow of the fire, and then he led her to her bedroom. “Shall I help you out of the dress?” It looked complicated and she couldn't manage it alone, and with a small smile she nodded. She would have had to sleep in it without one of the maids to help her undo it.
She looked like a child as he gently lifted the dress away from her, standing there with her lithe, thin, youthful dancer's body, and her eyes were huge as she looked at him with something innocent and longing. “It's too late for you to go home,” she whispered cautiously, not sure what to say to him, or how to begin it. She had never done this before, and couldn't imagine it now. But she also could no longer imagine not being with him.
“What are you saying to me?” he whispered back in the chill of the early morning, looking worried.
“Stay with me. We don't have to do anything we don't want to. I just want you here with me.” He belonged there, and she knew it, just as he did.
“Oh, Danina,” he said softly, knowing that it was the beginning of a new life, and the end of an old one. For both of them, it was a moment filled with promise and decision. “I want so much to be here with you.” It was all he had wanted since the moment he met her, even more so since she had come here. And he realized now this was why he had done everything he could to bring her to this cottage, to be near him.
They undressed carefully, and a moment later were in her huge comfortable bed, snuggled deep under the covers, and as she glanced up at him in the darkness, she giggled, and sounded like a schoolgirl.
“Why are you laughing, silly girl?” he asked, still whispering, as though someone could hear them. But there was no one there at that hour. They were entirely alone, with their secrets and their love for each other.
“It just seems funny. … I was so afraid of what I felt for you … and of what I knew of your feelings, and now here we are, like two naughty children.”
“Not naughty children, my love … happy ones … maybe we have a right to this after all … perhaps it was meant to be. My destiny, and yours. Danina, I have never loved any woman as I love you.” And with that, he kissed her quietly and firmly, and her passion rose with his, as he taught her all she had never known and never dreamed of, and never thought of finding with him. But it was all there, waiting for her, the gifts, the grace, the love they had each longed for. And as she slept in his arms at last, he held her close and smiled at the generosity of the gods for giving her to him.
“Good night, my love,” he whispered gratefully, and fell fast asleep beside her.
Chapter 5
The secret they shared grew between them like a field of wildflowers in summer. He came to see her every day, as he had before, but now he stayed much longer, while still managing to perform his duties at the palace. And at night, when he had completed what he had to do there, he returned to her, and slept with her. He had told his wife that they needed him at night now to stay with Alexei. And she seemed to have no interest, and no objection.
Danina was thrilled to have him. He taught her things that bound her to him, and they gave their hearts and souls to each other. They told each other everything, and had no secrets from each other. Their hopes, their dreams, their childhood fears, and the only real terror they shared was that they might one day lose each other. They had not yet sorted out what would happen when she left there. Because they both knew that eventually she'd have to. And after that, they would have to do something about their future. But he had said nothing to his wife yet.
They just wanted to enjoy what they had, for now, before they caused any major explosions. And once their happiness became real to them, February flew past them like an express train, and March along with it. She had been there for three months, when she finally began talking, with regret, of returning to the ballet. She couldn't begin to imagine how she would do it. And even Madame Markova had been asking her pointedly about when she planned to return for classes and training. It was going to take her months to get back what she had lost in her months of illness. Compared to her grueling daily routine at the ballet, the modest exercises she'd done he
re meant nothing. Even with her daily exercise, it was no way near enough for the ballet. And finally, with regret, she promised to return to St. Petersburg at the end of April. But the thought of leaving Nikolai was almost more than she could bear now.
They spoke of it seriously late one afternoon, three weeks before she was scheduled to leave him. He thought it was time for him to speak to Marie, and suggest that she return to England, with the children. The deception had to end now. But he was not yet sure what Danina wanted to do about the ballet. She had her own choices to make on that subject.
“What do you think Marie will say when you tell her?”
“I think she'll be relieved,” he said honestly. He was sure of that, but not as sure that she would agree to divorce him. He preferred not to tell her about Danina if he could help it. There were more than enough reasons to end it with his wife, without complicating matters further.
“And the boys? Will she let you see them?” She looked worried, this was all she had tormented herself about before they began their affair, and why she had hesitated to do so. But they could never have stopped themselves. That had been a fantasy. She knew that clearly now. This was real, and they would never have been able to deny it.
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